To have abandoned them

[Iyjd]

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

I think the more critical posters need to remember that OP didn't think that the children would be waiting for so long. She expected their Mum to turn up any minute. If their Mum had called her to say she would be delayed for so long, then she probably would have taken them along to her appointment.

If she is harrassing you and making threats regards your job and social services I would contact the police. Get you friend to screenshot her abhorrent comments and posts online as it constitutes malicious communications.

Is this an official and legal arrangement or one your DH and her came up with? Personally I would be seeing a solicitor, she abandoned her responsibility to her children when she decided to act like a selfish idiot in an attempt to make you miss your appointment.

Did you meet your DH after they split? Because it feels like she blames you and is doing anything to undermine you.

This

I absolutely would never have left children that age alone in a coffee shop and tbh as somebody who works with children I'm shocked you did. Why on earth would you offer to do favours for this vile woman in the first place???

Awful behaviour from the mum. At least now the majority, if not all, of her Facebook friends know her to be an utter cow.

As others have said, as she allows the kids to go there alone she doesn’t have a leg to stand on. You had to make a decision (under pressure) and will have used the prescient of them having been there alone previously to help you come to that decision.

I agree with people who think that this was a deliberate attempt to sabotage your appointment and she is annoyed it failed. I did wonder, both because of her reaction and the context you gave, whether it was fertility related and whether she knew this.

That young!! Nine and eleven, in a coffee shop next door to the OP! I’m a teacher and many 11 year olds I know meet up for a trip to town and lunch in a coffee shop. You are being ridiculous!

How is that better than sitting down next-door at a table with a nice hot chocolate and a cake?

OP, I would have done the same as you. I'd expect 9 and 11 year olds to be more than capable of looking after themselves for half an hour.

Don’t react to her awful behaviour other than to refuse to help her out next time. You’ve done nothing wrong and her public references to your fertility are appalling and showing her up.

There are 9 year olds in Year 5.

You did the most sensible think you could have done. You put two children old enough to behave in a safe environment with you not far away. Not only that, both children had been in the Costa without adults previously so it's a place they know well. Thank goodness you didn't leave them in the car in a hidden car park. They were happy, entertained and presumably they had a hot chocolate and bun each. Don't let the mother's actions affect how good as a parent you are to them. But I'd avoid any reason to meet her from now on. She is triggered by you. The fact she was late due to chatting in Tesco is outrageous. She could at the very least phoned to let you know she was running late. Heck she could have phoned her daughters. Which a responsible parent would have done.

Can I ask why? As this seems like such a bizzare reaction to me. I have a 19th at old with SEN and would leave him at a table with his 11yr old cousin whilst I popped next door for half hour.

Your appt was at 10.15, you came out and sat with them until she arrived at 10.45, so it was less than half an hour that they were alone. No issue.
As a PP pointed out, one of the DSC text their mother to say where they were and the mother prioritised chatting to her friend in Tesco. If she was actually worried, she’d have left Tesco like a shot. It was a deliberate attempt to ruin your plans.

Well now you know never to do her any favours again!

She sounds pretty unhinged from the get go - from childishly trying to sabotage your appointment to her ridiculous reaction given she'd let two 9 year old's go themself before.

It's fine at their age. 9 potentially a little on the young side but you do do things sooner when you have an older sibling to do them with. I was roaming the street on bikes, going in and out of corner shops at that age. Sitting in a staffed Costa is really not a drama.

One thing I will say is I think it was pretty foolish to offer in the first place with so little time to spare, that could have easily have gone wrong even with someone you trusted well. But that doesn't make you unreasonable.

I have 2 kids, also 9 and 11. They get the bus to the cinema 6 miles away by themselves and I pick them up.

When I was a kid, it was totally normal to go out by ourselves at that age. In the real world, it really is normal. Primary kids all walk down to coffee shops after school around here to get themselves something to eat before going home or parents picking them up.

9 and 11 is plenty old enough.

Remember OP, there was a thread about this recently and half the posters were saying they wouldnt even leave their 15 year olds alone in a coffee shop. Mumsnet is really bloody weird and not af all representative of actual real life parenting.

This had disaster written all over it. She's clearly a nutter, not sure why you'd do her a favour or cut it so close to your appointment, relying on her to be on time.

You should have dropped them at the house so that you had control over time, or just left the mum to it.

Her reaction is appalling. But to be completely honest I wouldn't have left them though, just my opinion.

Not at age almost 10 and 11, you don't. Hundreds of 11 year olds travel on public transport to school on their own every day.

Did you miss the part where OP explained the exact same two DCs are allowed to walk to that exact same coffee shop by their mother?

Whe DS was about that age we occasionally had very tight margins for collecting him from school. If it was cold we'd give him a fiver in advance and tell him if Dad's not there after 10 minutes go to Costa and get a hot chocolate, Dad will meet you there. I think on at least one occasion he raced round to Costa as soon as the bell went, like a greyhound coming out the trap, and treated a couple of friends to hot chocolate while he was at it. His Dad arrived within 5 minutes of school coming out and DS was already dug in with his pals, waving at Dad through the window, Dad stood outside helpless with his bike. Happy days.

I can't believe all these 'I'd never leave children that young'

When I was 11 I was getting the bus to our nearest city with my friends on a Saturday. We'd be out all day with no mobiles and likely just a tenner to spend.

I had to be on a set bus home so my parents could give me a lift back to the village but my other friends would just walk home from the bus station.

I live in London now and I'd have no issue with my kids walking to our local Costa when they're 11 and 9. Or leaving them there while I popped to other shops nearby.

For a start, I don’t think you did anything wrong OP. My dd was taking a bus by herself to go to a swimming class at that age. Sitting in a costa for 30 mins with a phone waiting for a parent is ok.

And then even if the mum had been worried, her reaction is very extreme and a bit concerning. A “reasonable” person would first apologise for being late i.e. creating this situation in the first place and then maybe have a conversation with you or your dp if she wanted a different solution.

Putting nasty messages on facebook - and particularly about you not being able to have children - is completely excessive and must be very upsetting for you. She is bullying you as another poster said. How does your dp and your dsc react to this? I think you need to get some boundaries in place - all contact through your dp - and stop giving her the opportunity to bully you.

They were never going to be ‘alone’ for longer than the appt, 30 mins. Even in the unlikely event of the OP AND their mother having accidents, they had a phone.

You were expecting her to turn up any minute so trying to do the most practical sensible thing that wouldnt inconvenience her. She obviously was being an inconsiderate cow and deliberately messing you around. Then disappointed to find out you didnt miss your appointment! I think 7 and 9 in costa for a few minutes when you were expecting her to arrive any second was reasonable. However, as a teacher, working on the job you probably wouldnt have left pupils in the expectation the parent was arriving to pick them up. However, you were not working as a teacher but doing a favour so I think what you did was fine. With hindsight I am sure you would have taken them with you to your appointment and inconvenienced the stupid cow! No doubt next time you wont be doing this lady any favours.

Depends on whether you have a difficult ex and what your job is!!

In the end you can be prosecuted for child neglect if by leaving them alone you put them at risk. I wouldn’t want to put myself at that risk especially if I was in a job where a clean DBS was essential. Real worst case scenario and the youngest decided to go off with someone they really shouldn't, you would be the last one in care of the child. I Just wouldn’t put myself in that situation.

If you have a difficult ex you don't put yourself in situations where it's bloody obvious the ex will have an excuse to kick off

Do I think it's right? Absolutely not. I think kids are babied and if it was down to the capacity of NT children then they should be entirely fine in that scenario. But I would not want to be the last adult in charge of kids in that situation, especially kids where I don't have sole judgement over these matters.

Don't get me wrong the ex is an idiot, especially as she has done it herself, and I totally believe it was planned at the OP was going to miss her appointment.

But just cos the ex is an idiot sometimes you have to box smart

I'm a SW and what you did was fine.

I do feel for you. I used to be a step mum and had an ex put twisted polls up on fb around things that didn't happen in my house as she said they did/ranty statuses and threats to tell my job 'what I'm really like'.

What is your dh to protect you from this?

She sounds like a dick who tried to make you miss your appointment and I wouldn’t do her a favour again.

However, I wouldn’t have left the children alone without speaking to her and checking she was nearly there. You were responsible for them until another adult took over