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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have abandoned them

558 replies

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:31

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

OP posts:
Bleese · 05/03/2023 07:56

Icedlatteplease · 05/03/2023 07:42

Nope way way too young to be left on their own in Costa. Whilst she shouldn't have been late you left yourself wide open to a proper shit storm. If anything had happened to them the consequences would have been diabolical for you. I'm amazed as a teacher you even vaguely thought that was OK.

Yy to them waiting in the waiting room of your appointment.

Way, way too young? Seriously? So at what age would they be old enough? I'm a teacher and I think it's fine too if they're Y5 and Y7. In fact I'd fine it concerning if a Y7 couldn't sit in Costa by themselves. They should be able to get a bus to Costa by themselves at that age for goodness sake (in other circumstances, I know that's not the point here).

Original poster
Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:56

Twizbe · 05/03/2023 07:45

If mum allows them to go there on their own then it's reasonable for you to leave them there for 30 mins.

My guess is mum was deliberately late assuming you'd have missed your appointment. When she realised the plan hadn't worked she got angry.

Have your partner talk to her. Whatever happened there's no reason to plaster your private medical history all over social media.

Well I’ve since found out that the 9 year old has been with her 9 year old friend. I’m not sure how that is more acceptable than her 11 year old sister. Both are really mature. The appointment is strict about no +1s coming in so that wasn’t an option, and I didn’t want to leave them in the car because it would be in a back car park with nobody around which felt risky, and my alarm goes off when I walk away because it locks automatically.

DP tried to talk to her but she was just shouting and screaming so he has had to block her until she calms down, it was a constant stream of calls.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 05/03/2023 07:56

GoodChat · 05/03/2023 07:54

To sit at a table with a drink for half an hour?

Show quote history

To be fair a 9 year old is y4, they aren’t even allowed to talk home from school alone at that age (well not at our school anyway). But left with the elder one it’s not so bad. She sounds difficult OP, I probably wouldn’t have left them in Costa either but I don’t think it’s a shocking horrible thing to do.

quokka5 · 05/03/2023 07:57

If she leaves them there herself she hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 07:57

GoodChat · 05/03/2023 07:54

To sit at a table with a drink for half an hour?

Show quote history

No I wouldn’t. Not my children, not my decision to make as to whether they can be left unaccompanied at Costa at the age of 9. But if I had no guidance either way from the parent, I would assume no I should no do that.

Original poster
Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:57

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 07:55

No she was late. Not good. But she wasn’t the one that left them alone in a coffee shop. That was the OP.

What if a parent was late collecting from nursery and the staff put the children on the side of the street, locked up and went home? Would you consider that entirely the parents fault too, I doubt it.

Show quote history

Not many 9 and 11 year olds go to the nurseries round here, in fact I would put money on none going.

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 05/03/2023 07:58

The mother abandoned them as she was "chatting in Tesco".

I have two of similar age... they would think a hot chocolate in Costa alone would be fantastic.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/03/2023 07:58

Well the solution is to never drive them anywhere or look after them on your own again.

Actually I hope that she calms down and that your DH talks to her and gets her to take down the unkind messages and also talk to her about what to do in the future. He can tell get that if he and she can’t agree then you will just not be involved in their childcare arrangements. I suspect if she was meeting a friend to collect the DC then she would have messaged to say she was running late and suggested the same solution you came up with

Original poster
Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:58

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 07:57

No I wouldn’t. Not my children, not my decision to make as to whether they can be left unaccompanied at Costa at the age of 9. But if I had no guidance either way from the parent, I would assume no I should no do that.

Show quote history

DP is their parent and was fine with it.

She has also allowed them to do it before and was fine with it.

OP posts:
Youremyshininglight · 05/03/2023 07:58

Mine are this age and often pop up to birds on their own for coffee and cake. I'm really surprised at how many said they wouldn't. But if the mum leaches them there, also presumably walking from where she drops them off, its fine also did the father know/ give permission? As the parent if that's the case she really has no leg to stand on.

dizzygirl1 · 05/03/2023 07:59

You did the right thing. Its ridiculous to say they couldn't be in Costa for half an hour alone. Especially considering they had at least 1 phone and had contacted the mum. If she was so concerned then she'd have left her chat with a friend and turned up for her kids.
Unfortunately there are very strange ex wife's and dealing with them and DSC can be difficult and a SM is never correct (I've been both).
As a pp says I'd be alerting work - not because you did anything wrong but bitching on social media can be related to you.
I'd also be getting dp to do drop offs etc and him to talk to her about what's she's said.

Original poster
Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:59

Coffeellama · 05/03/2023 07:56

To be fair a 9 year old is y4, they aren’t even allowed to talk home from school alone at that age (well not at our school anyway). But left with the elder one it’s not so bad. She sounds difficult OP, I probably wouldn’t have left them in Costa either but I don’t think it’s a shocking horrible thing to do.

Show quote history

She’s year 5 and 10 this month.

OP posts:
Twizbe · 05/03/2023 07:59

@Aprilx nursery would be for children under 5.... very different to a child of 11 who could be making their own way to and from school at that age.

So could the 9 year old if a year 5.

Crispymandm · 05/03/2023 08:00

I think it depends on the children, some 9 and 11 year olds I wouldn’t trust alone and some I would. If these girls are generally responsible and aware of dangers, and also allowed to say, walk to local places alone then I would let them. I would have probably asked them to text me and keep me updated while at my appointment.

The girls mum sounds vile op , but you did nothing illegal so I doubt the police will be interested. To put sensitive information about you on Facebook is sick in my opinion. I wouldn’t be doing any drop offs from now on. Hope you’re ok .

GoodChat · 05/03/2023 08:00

@Aprilx they weren't unaccompanied - they were with their older sister

Coffeellama · 05/03/2023 08:01

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:59

She’s year 5 and 10 this month.

Show quote history

Fair enough, it’s obviously not possible to no from your OP. Is the other one y6 or y7? Doesn’t make a difference to me (i still wouldn’t have left them in Costa, it’s just personal parenting choices) but I’m curious.

Twizbe · 05/03/2023 08:01

Youremyshininglight · 05/03/2023 07:58

Mine are this age and often pop up to birds on their own for coffee and cake. I'm really surprised at how many said they wouldn't. But if the mum leaches them there, also presumably walking from where she drops them off, its fine also did the father know/ give permission? As the parent if that's the case she really has no leg to stand on.

Massive derail here but I'm jealous you live close to a Birds.

SomeMoreGinPlease · 05/03/2023 08:02

If mum has let them go to Costa on their own before, then she really is talking out of her arse here. What a sad, bitter woman she is. Seems obvious she has a problem with you and is just trying to shit stir.

Twizbe · 05/03/2023 08:03

Very good point that the eldest texted her mum to say they were waiting for her and she ignored that and didn't break off her chat to be there on time.

WinterMusings · 05/03/2023 08:03

@Iyjd

9&11 is plenty old enough to sit in Costa with a drink for half an hour. Irrespective of the fact she lets them go there by themselves anyway.

jesus, it's not like you 'abandoned' them 🙄🙄at the top of a disused mine!

her behaviour is utterly ridiculous & nasty.

it's probably not the best move, but I'd have to respond!!

she's a nasty bitch.

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 05/03/2023 08:03

whataboutnow · 05/03/2023 07:38

Could you not have taken the children to your appointment and had them wait in the waiting room. As you were back with them before 10 45 presumably it was a fairly short appointment. Personally I would not have left them in a coffee shop

That’s what I would have done and texted her to let her know. Trickier as they aren’t your DC so you need to be more careful and ex is likely to be looking for any excuse to criticise.

MargaritMargo · 05/03/2023 08:04

Based on the fact that they go to costa on their own and it’s a common thing for them, YANBU to leave them there.

I do think it totally depends on the kids, it seems these ones were fine.

My step kids not so much.

Her reaction is disgusting, if she had a problem with it she should have called and discussed.

Also, who even puts statuses on fb anymore?

Ignore the daft cow, but going forward don’t put yourself in a position where she can take advantage of your time and energy

Buildingthefuture · 05/03/2023 08:05

You did nothing wrong and her posting about you all over social media is just plain nasty. She sounds like a horrid, spiteful woman. I’m sorry op xx

MumUndone · 05/03/2023 08:05

She's a twat. Don't do her any more favours.

Emmamoo89 · 05/03/2023 08:05

Yanbu x

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