To have abandoned them

[Iyjd]

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

Of course 9 & 11 is perfectly old enough to sit in Costa for 30 minutes. It's old enough for them to play out with friends etc. She is batshit fucking crazy and I think I'd give 101 a call.

🙄
you asked for a decision based on my own experience
you got it
what is wrong with you
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

But OP didn't make the decision for 'someone else's kids' all alone, the kids DAD said it was fine

@category12 why are you ignoring the dad part? The dad said it's fine. That counts as parental approval/consent.

Didn't see that she'd agreed it with the dad.

@category12 you also missed the party that she couldn't take them to the appointment.

Part not party

Missed a lot 😁

YANBU.

She was at fault. Sounded like she deliberately wanted you to miss your appointment.

Let her contact the police and SS. They will laugh her out of the shop. She won't do it anyway, it's an empty threat designed to panic you.

You were in a tricky situation and had to make an impulse decision. Only you know whether you feel the children were sensible and mature enough to be left for that length of time. Personally my ds1 is 8 and I wouldn't have an issue with leaving him for half an hour in a coffee shop with a sensible 11 year old, as a one off.

I say this as an ex wife

Yes, but that's the mum making the decision about risk.

Again, I'd make that decision for my own children, not someone else's.

Well their dad said it was fine. So why is it the OPs responsibility to take when a parent agreed it because the other decided she did t like it?

Yabu to have left them at that age.

Tbh surprised a teacher did that.

WTF?!?!???!

Because....?

That is an outside parties behaviour, neither me or DP are responsible for her behaviour and have no way of controlling it. We ignore this behaviour from her, hence why I already had her blocked. I wouldn’t judge my relationship with DP and say I deserve better based on a jealous, spiteful person that isn’t part of our relationship.

No, what I asked was what age it is OK to leave children on their own in circumstances like these. You didn't answer that.

i have a 12 & an 8 year old & for the past year my oldest has been allowed to go shopping & to costa etc with her friends (i drop her off & pick her up) but i wouldn’t leave her with her sister yet, especially if i was going to an appointment so wouldn’t be available if they needed me. I also wouldn’t leave her without a phone (does the 11 year old have one?) & as i wouldn’t do it with my own children i’m going to say yabu doing it with someone elses in your care. However, as you had made arrangements with their mum, she knew where you would be and when and hadn’t called to update you on where she was the fact they sat so long on their own is down to her. I’d have taken them with me

I think you need breath here - Just think about it - you saved her a 40 min drive there and 40 min drive back - that’s a good chunk of the day and still she was late and gossiping!

She could’ve said no, I’ll collect, she could have been on time, she could’ve called and apologized for being late, she could have spoke to you and said send them to Tesco or have them wait in Costa, they’ll be fine - She did none of those things.

What she did was find fault with anyone else’s behaviour and didn’t even reflect on her own.

Yes the older one had a phone and had messaged her mum to say where they were..
Op couldn’t take them with her
Their mum allows them to go to the same place with their friends
Their dad was happy with the arrangement

Why is she in the wrong?

Hi OP,

You didn't do anything wrong, and I am sorry to hear that you are being bullied on social media. You waited beyond the agreed time, left the kids in a place they knew and went to your app believing they would be picked up in minutes. AND went back to check and stayed with them when you found them still alone.

One of the girls texted her Mum to say where they were before you left and their Mum could have texted back then to say she would be late, but didnt. Later she said this was just because was just chatting.

Keep your cool, and don't react, clearly she will use it as ammo against you. Keep calm and let her show herself up.

Both have phones. You wouldn’t do it with your own but she would and has in the past, their Dad was also aware of what I was doing and was fine with it, so based on that it seems that higher standards are expected from me than their actual parents? Their Mum was about 5 minutes walk away also and had been informed where they were, she was about 20 seconds in the car. If I hadn’t gone to the appointment and had waited where we agreed I would have been sat there for about 45 minutes whilst she prioritised a chat in Tesco.

An 8 year old is year 3/4, the 9 year old is 10 in a couple of weeks so I would say that is a big difference. Their Mum has dropped them off and driven home in the past which is further than I was, I was next door and it would have taken me about 40 seconds to get there if I needed to, I had my phone on me too so could have been easily contacted, I could see the Main Street out of the window.

I couldn’t take them with me, since covid nobody has been allowed to take additional people in, but even prior to that they had a no children rule. A friend in the past tried to take her sleeping baby and they refused to do the appointment.

Seen up date. They too young I'm afraid to be left especially the year 3...I have a year 2 child. No way. Mum in wrong by not being there but you are for not taking them to appointment with you.

She's not Y3! How can you read 10 pages of a thread and have a Y2 child yourself and not realise that a nearly 10 year old must be in Y5? This was made clear pages and pages ago.

You might have seen it but obviously didn't read it. Year 5. Not year 3.

Regardless of the situation, I would never have left someone else’s children in a coffee shop by themselves,

Even with the permission of the parent who was responsible for them at the time ? and knowing that it was something the other parent did, so not a new thing for the children ?

Would you also turn up 45 minutes late to collect your children, if you were only 400m down the road ? Or would you pootle about Tesco and have a good old long chat with your friend as the Mother did in this scenario ?

For those saying she should have taken the children to the appointment-
what do you think the mother’s reaction would have been had she arrived and her children weren’t there?
I think she would have lost her mind!
OP left them(with their father’s permission) for what should have been 5 minutes.
It sounds to me like the mother is unhappy with the divorce and her ex moving on and is taking it out on the SM and children.
I’d be willing to bet that in the next few years the children move to live full time with dad and SM where they are not used as pawns in their mother’s attacks.