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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have abandoned them

558 replies

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:31

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 05/03/2023 07:43

At 9 and 11 they were well able to sit and drink a hot chocolate given that they knew you were only next door. I am a retired SW and would have no issue with this. Just let her try and report you. She will be given short shrift for not being home for them in the first place.

Seashor · 05/03/2023 07:43

She was clearly trying to fuck you over and it didn’t work, that’s what she is annoyed about. As someone said up thread, you didn’t abandon her children, she did.

fajitaaaa · 05/03/2023 07:43

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:41

No special needs and I put they are 9 and 11. They are allowed to go to where this Costa is on their own with friends, their mum drops them off where I was meeting her.

And I couldn’t take them to the appointment, or I would have to save myself money on their expensive order.

She has form for expecting me to sort the childcare and kicking off if I don’t, she seems to expect it from me more than their Dad for some reason.

Show quote history

If she leaves them there herself then she's just talking out her arse.

No more favours from you. She's on her own with them.

AllOfThemWitches · 05/03/2023 07:44

I have an 11yo and would leave him in Costa for a short period of time, definitely.

autienotnaughty · 05/03/2023 07:44

What's your dh say? It sounds like you were set up to fail. I would have taken them to appointment and had them wait in reception or something. It's a good job you checked they were still there. You we're responsible for the children and you made a judgement call which (I assume) kids were fine with. If she doesn't want you to have that responsibility on her watch she needs to be there on time.

GoodChat · 05/03/2023 07:45

You're not the problem. She is. Those poor kids were probably worried. It's a good job you went back.

Twizbe · 05/03/2023 07:45

If mum allows them to go there on their own then it's reasonable for you to leave them there for 30 mins.

My guess is mum was deliberately late assuming you'd have missed your appointment. When she realised the plan hadn't worked she got angry.

Have your partner talk to her. Whatever happened there's no reason to plaster your private medical history all over social media.

Twentynone21 · 05/03/2023 07:45

What you did is not against the law & the police are not going to be the slightest bit interested & I’m not sure what she thinks school is going to do. The only thing to consider is, did you put the children at risk? Are they mature enough to be left for half an hour? The DSC messaged their mum to let her know where they would be but she prioritised chatting to a friend. What is your DP doing to address the situation?

Badbudgeter · 05/03/2023 07:46

I think it’s fine. It’s her fault regardless. They were left for half an hour with a hot chocolate. I’d do this with my 10/12 yo when I go to the hairdresser and sell it as a treat! You were next door and eldest had a phone I’m assuming she could call you if there was an issue.

I wouldn’t engage at all. Don’t do her any favours in future.

DarkForces · 05/03/2023 07:47

AllOfThemWitches · 05/03/2023 07:44

I have an 11yo and would leave him in Costa for a short period of time, definitely.

Me too. I'm surprised by the reaction on this thread to giving a child who's year 6/7 a smidgeon of freedom.

ThinWomansBrain · 05/03/2023 07:47

I don't think I'd have hung around after finding them still in costa after my appointment, would have taken them home again.

Standbyguest · 05/03/2023 07:48

Op your update makes it even more ridiculous - she drops them off at this Costa on their own anyway?? So what's her problem exactly?

JMSA · 05/03/2023 07:48

You're fine, OP. But their mother is a total bitch.

EmptyPlaces · 05/03/2023 07:48

YANBU. They’re 11 & 9, not 5 & 3.

Shes the one who abandoned them by not being on time. Twat.

mistermagpie · 05/03/2023 07:49

I don't think what you did was illegal or anything, so nobody is going to care about that. But I wouldn't have done it.

I think 11 and 9 is too young to be left unattended in a coffee shop for an unknown amount of time generally (she might have had an accident or something, you had no way of knowing when or if she would actually turn up), but I would be doubly cautious because they aren't your kids and this outcome would always have been a possibility.

No doubt about it, she's behaved awfully here and technically you didn't do anything 'wrong', but unfortunately I think you made a poor choice.

BlackFlyChardonnay · 05/03/2023 07:50

That their mother let's them go to Costa just with friends is quite an important bit of background to miss out, unless the friends are old enough to be responsible.

Assuming she let's them go with other 9/10/11 year olds, then she's clearly just trying to get at you.

Can your dh diffuse things?

fajitaaaa · 05/03/2023 07:51

mistermagpie · 05/03/2023 07:49

I don't think what you did was illegal or anything, so nobody is going to care about that. But I wouldn't have done it.

I think 11 and 9 is too young to be left unattended in a coffee shop for an unknown amount of time generally (she might have had an accident or something, you had no way of knowing when or if she would actually turn up), but I would be doubly cautious because they aren't your kids and this outcome would always have been a possibility.

No doubt about it, she's behaved awfully here and technically you didn't do anything 'wrong', but unfortunately I think you made a poor choice.

It wasn't an unknown amount of time though. OP went back after her appointment. So it was appointment length of time.

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 07:51

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:41

No special needs and I put they are 9 and 11. They are allowed to go to where this Costa is on their own with friends, their mum drops them off where I was meeting her.

And I couldn’t take them to the appointment, or I would have to save myself money on their expensive order.

She has form for expecting me to sort the childcare and kicking off if I don’t, she seems to expect it from me more than their Dad for some reason.

Show quote history

She didn’t expect you to do this though, she was happy to pick them up, you volunteered to do this. You also only allowed ten minutes for any kind of delay. Of course she should not have been late, but that nevertheless made you the adult in charge by default. If I were charge of somebody else’s children I would not have abandoned them in a public space. If something had happened after you left then there can you imagine the fall out.

MichelleScarn · 05/03/2023 07:52

Standbyguest · 05/03/2023 07:48

Op your update makes it even more ridiculous - she drops them off at this Costa on their own anyway?? So what's her problem exactly?

Probably that her plan to ruin OPs day didn't work! She sounds raging!

yepmelady · 05/03/2023 07:52

I probably wouldn't have left them. they would have sat outside my appointment in your situation, waiting room or whatever was available. But I also don't think leaving them in Costa is terrible, and would bet when she complains to police/ social services they will not be interested ( actually they will roll their eyes and do nothing). Don't do any more favours for her though.

autienotnaughty · 05/03/2023 07:52

I certainly wouldn't worry about the police or ss but you might want to give your work a heads up if it's on social media. Your not friends on social media? If you name is linked I'd delete the link and make sure your accounts are private.

tacoxx · 05/03/2023 07:53

I feel for you, she sounds a nightmare, but def wouldn't have left them alone in Costa, 9 year old definitely too young.

GoodChat · 05/03/2023 07:54

tacoxx · 05/03/2023 07:53

I feel for you, she sounds a nightmare, but def wouldn't have left them alone in Costa, 9 year old definitely too young.

To sit at a table with a drink for half an hour?

mistermagpie · 05/03/2023 07:55

"It wasn't an unknown amount of time though. OP went back after her appointment. So it was appointment length of time."

Well yes, but we all know that appointments don't always run on time do they? Or the OP could have got delayed herself some other way.

That said, I've just read the update that the children are allowed to go to the Costa by themselves by the mother anyway, so in that context the OP was definitely not in the wrong.

Also, just to say - my problem isn't with the 11 year old being given a bit of freedom, it's the fact that they are being made responsible for the 9 year old.

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 07:55

EmptyPlaces · 05/03/2023 07:48

YANBU. They’re 11 & 9, not 5 & 3.

Shes the one who abandoned them by not being on time. Twat.

No she was late. Not good. But she wasn’t the one that left them alone in a coffee shop. That was the OP.

What if a parent was late collecting from nursery and the staff put the children on the side of the street, locked up and went home? Would you consider that entirely the parents fault too, I doubt it.