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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have abandoned them

558 replies

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:31

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 05/03/2023 08:06

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:57

Not many 9 and 11 year olds go to the nurseries round here, in fact I would put money on none going.

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I think you are deliberately missing the point. That when you are I charge of children, you remain in charge until another adult takes over. Regardless of whether they are late or not. Did you want opinions or did you just want to be told it is fine?

Bettyboop3 · 05/03/2023 08:06

Ceryneianhind · 05/03/2023 07:33

You've missed put the most important details

How old are they and how many of them and are there any special needs??

No you just didn't read it properly. They are 9 & 12 as it quite clearly said.

Iheartmysmart · 05/03/2023 08:06

Crikey, I do seriously worry how some children are going to cope if they are never allowed to be out of their parents sight at age 11. I was collecting my younger sister from school at that age, going home and cooking dinner for the family as both my parents worked!

ProtestantsHateAbba · 05/03/2023 08:06

As long as the children were happy to be left at their ages there really isn’t a problem, I wouldn’t mind in that situation. In fact, my eldest was going to Costa with just her friends and no adults from year 6 so the girls were 10/11.

The girl’s mother is kicking off because, as someone said upthread, she intended to make you miss your appointment and you didn’t. It’s a control thing with bullies like that. I’m really sorry she’s said such vile things to you. I hope she calms down soon so you and your partner can see the girls with no hassle.

Bettyboop3 · 05/03/2023 08:07

Bettyboop3 · 05/03/2023 08:06

No you just didn't read it properly. They are 9 & 12 as it quite clearly said.

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9 & 11, sausage fingers!!

GoldilockMom · 05/03/2023 08:07

Mum should’ve contacted you when she knew she was late and had a back up plan. Clearly wherever plans she had for that day weren’t that important.
I would keep the screen shot of her abuse for reference and you can use it later if necessary. Ask the friend to report the post.

A coffee shop treat is a big thing to kids this age and they absolutely love it! Many parents do allow their children the freedom to go for coffee and hang round with their friends - it’s not unusual.

Kissedbyfire1 · 05/03/2023 08:07

Twizbe · 05/03/2023 08:03

Very good point that the eldest texted her mum to say they were waiting for her and she ignored that and didn't break off her chat to be there on time.

This is the important bit. Clearly the intent was for the OP to miss her appointment as others have said (and lose money, and be inconvenienced). I’m interested to know what the appointment was because I think that also might be key if the girls’ DM knew.

Coffeellama · 05/03/2023 08:07

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 08:06

I think you are deliberately missing the point. That when you are I charge of children, you remain in charge until another adult takes over. Regardless of whether they are late or not. Did you want opinions or did you just want to be told it is fine?

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She wanted opinions that were relevant and made sense. These kids are not at all close to nursery age and OP isn’t a paid service. At what age does your stupid nursery comparison end? 15 and 17? Adulthood?

LittleBearPad · 05/03/2023 08:07

Well you won’t go out of your way to help her again OP, and you’d be right to.

Regardless of whether they were ok to be left (youngest year 5, with a phone and only next door to you seems ok to me) her behaviour has been appalling and hypocritical. Your DP can deal with it though.

Ylvamoon · 05/03/2023 08:08

For all OP knew, the mum could have picked them up within 5 minutes.

So yes, leaving a 9 & 11 year old in costa with a stash of goodies and means to contact an adult was ok.
It's on the mum for not turning up on time and not contacting OP to inform her about the delay.

Wootothewho · 05/03/2023 08:08

I have two daughters exactly that age and wouldn’t have an issue with them sitting in a costa on their own, they would probably find it a bit of a treat. Poor kids were probably more freaked out at their mother failing to turn up at the time she had agreed. YANBU

Cakeandcardio · 05/03/2023 08:08

I think the point is that SHE abandoned them. Her time isn't more important than yours. Don't worry about it. I'm a teacher too. Just laugh her off as your work won't care. Honestly social services are stretched enough without having to deal with this attention seeking loon!

YukoandHiro · 05/03/2023 08:10

Honestly worth the money to send her a cease and desist letter from a solicitor for defamation.
Most people don't realise that what you put on Facebook is protected by exactly the same legal rules as what you print in a newspaper/broadcast on tv.

Undertheoldlindentree · 05/03/2023 08:11

Sorry, I wouldn't have left them and would have explained the unplanned circumstances to the person/company the appointment was with. Then hoped they could stand in the corridor or waiting room as it sounds a very short appointment.

Stepuptowardsinfinity · 05/03/2023 08:11

You did nothing wrong. 9 and 11 are fine to sit in a coffee shop. You were set up to fail by their mum unfortunately and I'm afraid on here you will get some smothering mothers shouting that you were unreasonable to leave them at that age. Step mums are always in the wrong here even if the actual mum is being an arse, like she was in your case.

TokyoSushi · 05/03/2023 08:11

Mine are 9 & 11 (Yr 5 & 7 summer birthdays) they are very sensible and grown up, they would have been absolutely fine. Completely depends on the DC.

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 05/03/2023 08:11

Hope this has made you rethink any favours you do for her in future, OP! What a mega bitch. Next time she wants you to do something for her tell her you can't as wouldnt want to put her children in any danger.

I would never have any contact with her ever again after her disgusting Facebook post.

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 05/03/2023 08:11

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 05/03/2023 08:03

That’s what I would have done and texted her to let her know. Trickier as they aren’t your DC so you need to be more careful and ex is likely to be looking for any excuse to criticise.

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I’ve changed my mind on this one, having seen your updates.

The 9 year old is 10 this month and her mum has left her alone there with another 9 year old in the past? In that case and given that the appointment was only 30 mins, YANBU (but ex clearly wants to make things difficult for you so watch out for her more in future).

Lemonyfuckit · 05/03/2023 08:11

Username721 · 05/03/2023 07:38

She probably smirked at you because she assumed she’d made you miss your appointment. When she later found out you’d gone anyway, that’s why she’s kicked off.

I’d have done the same as you, OP. She’s their mother.

This definitely re the smirking and the saying how she got chatting to a friend.

I don't know whether I would have left them in the coffee shop or not, probably depends on whether they're sensible and what the area is like, but sounds like they are sensible. Either way it's entirely her fault, and she sounds like a very nasty piece of work.

How come you and your DP have them all weekend every weekend? - is there a way to cut down on that? Because she sounds like the type of person who finds it very convenient to have someone else look after her children every weekend, so maybe it's time to reduce that.

RichardsGear · 05/03/2023 08:13

I work in a public building and there are signs all over saying children age 8 and under need to be accompanied by an adult. 9 and 11 is plenty old enough to sit for half an hour in a cafe scenario. The SM is a horrible bitch, frankly, and I'd be happy to let her carry on making a fool of herself the way she is. No way would I be doing anything to make her life easier in future though.

PortiasBiscuit · 05/03/2023 08:13

My girls used to go off shopping for twenty minutes on their own on Saturday morning whilst I sat in Costa. I did it deliberately, to start to teach them a bit of common sense before they started secondary school.

Lemonyfuckit · 05/03/2023 08:13

Oh well if they're allowed to go to where this Costa is with friends then even more reason why it was fine.

EmptyPlaces · 05/03/2023 08:13

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 07:55

No she was late. Not good. But she wasn’t the one that left them alone in a coffee shop. That was the OP.

What if a parent was late collecting from nursery and the staff put the children on the side of the street, locked up and went home? Would you consider that entirely the parents fault too, I doubt it.

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That’s a false equivalence and you know it, or you’re thick.

Original poster
Iyjd · 05/03/2023 08:14

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 08:06

I think you are deliberately missing the point. That when you are I charge of children, you remain in charge until another adult takes over. Regardless of whether they are late or not. Did you want opinions or did you just want to be told it is fine?

Show quote history

But leaving a 4 year old is a completely different scenario so not a comparison. They walk down this road every single day to school, they walk around it on their own with their friends during the time they are in their mums care. Their Dad also said it was fine when I checked with him.

I did want opinions but actually now a couple of people have reassured me with specific comments I feel better, the ex SW for example and then someone pointed out it wasn’t illegal.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 05/03/2023 08:14

It’s fine. They’re plenty old enough to sit in Costa for half an hour. They had phones and they knew where you were. I don’t see a problem.