To have abandoned them

[Iyjd]

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

They might get approached by a weirdo, or by someone they know but who isn't trustworthy, they might get bored and wander off somewhere - it doesn't take 30 minutes to drink hot chocolate.

I just think, it makes more sense to take the kids with you to the appointment than it does to leave them on their own.

Plus it's the kids that are left feeling low priority by both late mum and OP not wanting them with her. OP takes them with her and they feel a priority, and mum is inconvenienced by having to wait until OP brings them back.

Leaving them is creating a risk - it's not a huge one, but it is one. If OP had come back and the kids were gone, she would have assumed their mum had collected them, right? And the mum might have assumed OP had them with her, so time before discovery they were missing would be stretched.

9/10 is just the age to love going to mcdonalds etc with a friend to feel "grown up". 11yos make their way to school alone! They would be bored sat in a corridor/the car. Much nicer in Costa!

She's not right at all. She was late . She knew the kids were alone in costa or intentionally ignored their messages (which is even worse) and she was still late. She lets them go there by themselves herself.

If none of that was the case, yes she could be annoyed. That's just it. Annoyed, not hurl threats and abuse and OP and the dad. Not spout rubbish and put OP's private medical information all over FB.

But this all could happen on their walk/bus to school? Arguably costa seems much safer with plenty other adults around no doubt on a busy weekend morning.

That was in response to category going on about potential weirdo approaching them or other nonsense.

I completely agree with@Quveas .

What exactly is the risk when leaving a sensible 9 and 11 year old in a public space to wait with a drink? I honestly can't think of a realistic negative situation that would occur. What are you all worried about? Kidnap? Them walking off and getting lost in the town they frequently visit? It seems ridiculous how we have such low expectations of what children can do. And how sad that as a society we don't feel able to trust others to look out for our kids.

And as a teacher, so many parents are happy to give their young child a phone with unrestricted Internet access (where actual harm could easily occur) but won't let them walk to school. I think it's bizarre and depressing.

It's not nonsense - it does happen.

Of course it's low risk, but I wouldn't make those sorts of decisions about risk with someone else's kids.

Well potentially these things could happen on the way to school. Do you not let your 11 year old make their own way to school? Or do you equip them with the skills / strategies to manage risk?

I wouldn't expect a well behaved child to wander off. If the op has them for the amount of time she says she does, then I would think she would have a pretty good measure on what their behaviour is like.

If a stranger is harassing the children, then they tell a member of staff.

i would always tell children not to go off with anyone, even if they know them. But really, the likelihood of the op having someone like this in her life, in the coffee shop, at that moment in time, to lure the children away? It's not very realistic is it.

It doesn't take 30 mins to drink hot chocolate no, but they do have a purpose to be there, to wait for their parent. They are together. Not alone.

The children had a phone so they can contact sm to say mum has picked them up. Likewise sm can ring them. And presumably the op would have rang mum to make sure they had been collected.

If the children hadn't been there, then sm would have been aware of it, because mum would be in contact looking for them.

Even in libraries and swimming, children 8 plus are allowed to go on their own.

I think you're massively over inflating the risk here.

She KNEW you had an appointment so being late "because she got chatting in Tesco " was inexcusable.

She's completely OTT; given that you are a teacher her public comments are completely irresponsible and unacceptab;e and your DH must get a grip on this immediately.

I'd tell him that in the light of her comments you will not be hosting his children in your home again, as such false accusations are a serious threat to your career and reputation. Weekends with DSD are POFF until he and his ex get those comments taken down.

Although to not host the kids wouldnt be fair on them. It's not their fault their mother is an arse.

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

Of course it was fine. There mother knew where they were and you expected her to arrive any minute as she had agreed .

So your partner is annoyed at YOU being upset your name is plastered across social media, your private fertility business and your professional ability being questioned?

Well he's just great🙄.

Is he extremely dim or just selfish?

Your relationship bar must be sadly very low that this is all you expect from life.

You deserve so much better than this Jeremy Kyle set up.

I've said it's low risk.

I would make that decision about perceived risk for my own kids.

I wouldn't make it for stepkids or a friend's kids.

@category12 except the children's mother is more than happy to take that "risk" herself when she sends them out with friends and the children's father was also ok with it and gave OP permission.

And yet thousands of parents leave their children of that age to travel to school on public transport every day. So you can't seriously say that OP was wrong.

Yes, but that's the mum making the decision about risk.

Again, I'd make that decision for my own children, not someone else's.

This mother already allows the same children to go to that coffee shop on their own. So what the hell right has she to be angry?

She’s totally out of order OP. In future do as little as possible to have contact with her personally and certainly don’t do her any favors.

OP did know the length of the wait - at most 30 minutes till she came back. She was next door, the children had a phone, she could get to them within a very short time if she needed to.

How can she be right to be annoyed when she's in the habit of leaving them there on their own herself?

It's higher risk to cross the road with the same children, let alone to drive with them in a car. Are those all risks you would never contemplate taking? Even if you knew that the parents in question were regularly in the habit of doing both?

He isn’t annoyed at me in the slightest? He has comforted me by reminding me I have done nothing wrong and not to let her ridiculous behaviour impact the rest of my weekend. Whenever DP sees her “friends” around they are always very quick to try and update him on her unhinged behaviour, so as much as the posts were nasty, I doubt very much people will believe her words. This is probably the 6th weekend we’ve had a Sunday to ourselves of our entire relationship and he wants us to enjoy it.

I would avoid automatic man hating comments because it makes people lose respect for what you are actually saying. I don’t have a “Jeremy Kyle lifestyle”. I have a partner with an ex that we are unfortunately stuck with.

The usual shite of op being useful for free childcare when it suits.

Never ever make her life easier again op.

21 pages of the same arguments back and forth, and I can't believe nobody's even tried to say the OP was unreasonable to give the girls CHOCOLATE MILK. That's poison within poison, don't you know? They should have had artisanal filtered water. Of course.

I believe cake was also mentioned. Well, that's just evil.

😉

You said he "told you off" and that reads as being given out to, to me.

I am no man hater.
Blessed with a wonderful husband of 30 years, and two great sons.

What you have written about her behaviour is not normal behaviour by a long shot, screaming abuse and bile on SM being spewed, IS Jeremy Kyle behaviour in MY book.

Either way, I wish you the best.
You do deserve better that this.