To have abandoned them

[Iyjd]

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

I think OP has had a really hard time here.

She was on time but needed to leave for an appointment. That was prepaid.

She left the 2 children, aged 9 & 11, with a hot drink in a place that is familiar to them already from visiting without adults.

She came back to check on them once her appointment was over. They were still fine.

She waited with them until their DM arrived.

At that age, I would have had no hesitation in leaving Dd (now 17). In fact, at age 10.5 (5th class in school) we were already working up in stages to her coming home alone from after school club. When a bullying issue raised its head in school that school couldn't deal with so Dd came home at 3 or 4 pm after her sports activities and got a snack/did her homework/relaxed until I got in at 6 from just over age 11.

You teach the DCs how to deal with things, what's expected of them, how to respond to different things that might happen - and then you give them their independence.

Or else you end up coming on here in later years to say that your 40 year old dc won't leave home, won't clean up, expects their laundry done, spends all their money on clothes and entertainment and that you need your life back!

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of leaving them in a Costa they are familiar with for a short amount of time (personally I don't see the issue and presumably they knew how to contact you if need be), their mum has breached your data protection in sharing your private medical details about your infertility on a public forum. I'd be going ballistic at her for that and would report her to Facebook for a privacy violation so she has to take it down.

I wouldn’t leave mine that young alone in Costa but that’s because of a job I did which involved child safety back in the day

but if their mum does.

Aprilx Are you really comparing a 9year old and 11 year old to a pre school 4 year old

By 9 years old Dd was getting herself into central London each day via the tube network like a lot of other children her age.

Most 11 year olds at senior school get themselves to and from school without adult supervision.

Might be a shocker but they also hang out in cafes and fast food places on their own.

By putting this on SM, there will be people posting about how dreadful it is what you did.
There will be many more paying lip service and thinking she is being ridiculous.

Unless she has never left the 9 year old on their own or let her go anywhere with someone under the age of 12 then she needs to look at her own hypocrisy.

There will be her flying monkeys who will agree with everything she says but there will be those who think she is quite ridiculous.

The mother knew of the appointment. What did she think would happen when she was chatting with her friend knowing she was going to be late.
Where exactly did she think her children would be.
She is either thoughtless, or controlling, thinking op would miss her appointment or she really couldn’t give a crap about her children apart from the way having children makes her appear.

Why does she never have her dc at weekends?

I don't think you are being unreasonable the situation was of her own making. Last time I would be doing any favours for her again.

Like others have said I would probably give a heads up to your school about the negative comments online.

I would suggest that if it was for an appt that could be easily re-arranged or where the children could easily attend then this would make a difference. Alternatively a medical appt would be a different scenario. Many would think this does make a material difference. If someone is posting on mm for an opinion then at least include all facts.

Personally I'd be looking to sue her for defamation. This is the kind of shot DHs ex did.

I'd tell the lazy cunt she owes you for the hot chocolates OP, but then I enjoy a ruck.

She’s a twat trying to prove a point. She chose to chat to a friend instead of picking her children up, knowing that you would be late for your appointment.

You were doing her a favour. Don’t make that mistake again. 💐

I would suggest that if it was for an appt that could be easily re-arranged or where the children could easily attend then this would make a difference. Alternatively a medical appt would be a different scenario. Many would think this does make a material difference. If someone is posting on mm for an opinion then at least include all facts.

OP said whatever it was was important to her, she couldn't rearrange it without losing her money, and she couldn't take the children or she would have done.

We don't really need to know exactly what it was when we know the above, she's answered all your questions.

Yanbu. If you can’t be trusted to care for them, that’s no problem - no more lunch prep, taxiing or babysitting for you. See how she likes giving up some of her child-free weekends.

I would not have left a 9 and 11 year old in a coffee shop unless I had heard from the adult taking over and been reassured they were on the way and could tell the children what time the adult would be arriving. I would also factor in the length of the wait to my decision to leave them so I would want to know how long they would be waiting if I left them.

If I'd been able to reach their mum and she'd said fine I'll be at Costa in 15 mins - fine I would have left them.

None of that is to take away from the fact that the girls mother behaved appalling.

But I think YABU to have left them like that - I would have cancelled my appointment.

And I would have contacted the mum after to explain that she had right royally inconvenienced me by being late and I would not make such arrangements with her again.

And you had the permission of one of their parents.

Yes, OP was so obviously in the right that it isn't even the issue here. The question now is to what extent the DSCs mum needs to be made to regret her actions.

Given that their Mum allows them there alone and their Dad was happy with the arrangements - then you were fine. I agree with pp who said that their Mum was deliberately late so you would miss your appointment and was put out that she hadn't messed up your plans.

I would not do her any more favours, given that she is so unhappy with your care and leave it to your DP and ex. As my dear MIL would have said "she has pi**Ed on her chips".

My 11yo is always in Costa with his friends. I’d have no problem with a 9 (10 this month) and 11yo hanging out with a hot choc for 30mins.

You did the mum a huge favour here, sounds like she messed you around on purpose turning up and smirking. What a cow, she put her kids in this position not you.

My kids have a step parent and I just wouldn’t ever disgrace myself or use my kids like this. What a weirdo.

@Callmenat she'd already paid for the appointment. You can't cancel an appointment 5 minutes before the scheduled time and expect anyone to consider you a customer in future.

Completely fine at 9&11 years old

What you did was perfectly reasonable. Their mother is a absolute cunt though.

I would be doing her no more favours. I'd also screenshot her Facebook posts and contact the police - harassment and defamation.

She sounds batshit. Why do people act like this??!

I would bet money on this horrible woman having turned up late on purpose.

Are you sure your timings are correct because driving to your appointment, parking and going into costas and getting drinks in 5 minutes seems unlikely? And you back out of your appointment and with them in less than 30 minutes?
I think they’re too young to be in costas alone, I’d have rung your partner to come pick them up at the least since you had no idea where mum was. She is in the wrong and has to take responsibility rather than putting it on you though

It wasn’t ideal but the mum knew how long you could provide childcare for and she abandoned them by not being there. This is in her imo.

Somehow I doubt the mum will be this concerned. After all if the op really was such a danger, no mum in her right mind would entrust the care of the dc to the op again. 🤔

After the James Bulger murder there were laws/legalisation bought in about unaccompanied children and it was applied over zealously by many security guards. It did become illegal to take your children somewhere, then leave them

Genuine question - what laws and legislation? Or do you mean guidance?

Yes ages after. She had an affair and her new partner was living with her before I met him, but they had split not long after and she’s not had anything longer than a year since so I think I think there is some jealousy that our lives are stable and the children have openly said they want to live with us, although we’ve taken that with a pinch of salt because it isn’t a fair comparison, they are with us during the “fun times” of weekends and school holidays and not the boring days of school.