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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have abandoned them

558 replies

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:31

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 05/03/2023 12:00

Cocobutt · 05/03/2023 11:49

Nobody's saying that, they're saying she's in the right because it's fine to leave children of this age in Costa. Bit presumptuous to say she needs to apologise when the majority agree she's done nothing wrong.

If this was their dad who left them in a coffee shop so he can go to an appointment he would be the worst person in the world.

Most MNers fall over themselves to agree with the OP if she is a woman or step parent.

If OP had posted that a babysitter or teacher had left her kids in a coffee shop then no one would be saying that it was ok.

No he wouldn't, what in Earth are you basing that on?

Hardly anyone has even mentioned that she's a step parent, and the mother is also a woman so it's got nothing to do with that.

People are quite clearly and explicitly talking about the rights and wrongs of children that age being allowed to do things independently. Dismissing that with "you're just saying that because she's a woman/step mum" is totally baseless and unhelpful. The many people on here talking about this being age appropriate quite obviously would still be saying that.

Xol · 05/03/2023 12:01

I must say, if a FB friend of mine was gloating over another woman's infertility, I would call them out on it - and then block them. The ex may find this one bites her on the bum.

44PumpLane · 05/03/2023 12:01

YANBU OP.....never ever offer to do this woman a favour ever again.

She was late on purpose and is only pissed off that her plan to inconvenience you had failed.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 05/03/2023 12:02

As a general rule I don't entrust very precious things into the kindness of strangers if there is a viable alternative

As a general rule, I'm on time to pick up my child and if I was running late I would at least have the decency to let the person with them know.

Xol · 05/03/2023 12:03

Thekirit · 05/03/2023 11:15

YABU
whilst in your care
they are in your care
Whilst her excuse for being late was really unreasonable
That doesn't mean you can leave them on their own.
If the appointment was important then, much like any carer, you should have taken them with you.

So at what age do you think children can be left on their own?

Why is it OK for their parents, in whose care they are, to leave the children in the café on their own, but not for OP to do so with the agreement of their father?

Xol · 05/03/2023 12:04

Viviennemary · 05/03/2023 11:19

Of course you shouldn't have just dumped them in a coffee shop. No wonder their mother was furious.

No wonder she was furious when she does the same? And OP didn't just dump them. She was next door and came back within 30 minutes.

Vloader23 · 05/03/2023 12:07

If the Costa is in an area they are familiar with and the kids are comfortable with being left I think it's ok. Reality is an 11 year old will often be travelling across town to secondary school so really not a problem, and if mature enough to look after their sibling then fine.

Not your fault their mother was late. Clearly she's unhappy with this so she will not ask you to help out in future - double win.

Xol · 05/03/2023 12:07

kimcho · 05/03/2023 11:49

I wouldn't have left 11&9 yo in a coffee shop to go to my appointment. Although, DCs would definitely prefer to be in a coffee shop with hot chocolate, I would have taken them with me to the appointment and asked them to stay at the reception/waiting area. Plenty of mothers do this when they have no alternatives.

What if there is no reception/waiting area?

Thekirit · 05/03/2023 12:08

Xol · 05/03/2023 12:03

So at what age do you think children can be left on their own?

Why is it OK for their parents, in whose care they are, to leave the children in the café on their own, but not for OP to do so with the agreement of their father?

Show quote history

When I had younger ones I did try to find out what age is OK to leave them on there own
Surprisingly there is no legal age
Theres some sort of understanding in the legal system it’s 12, but it has no basis in science or the law.

So I can’t answer that I’m afraid.
In my opinion, which is what OP is seeking from MNs, they should not have been left.

TheBigWangTheory · 05/03/2023 12:10

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 08:06

I think you are deliberately missing the point. That when you are I charge of children, you remain in charge until another adult takes over. Regardless of whether they are late or not. Did you want opinions or did you just want to be told it is fine?

Show quote history

No, you're missing the point. Children are anything up to 18 years old, you do not need to hand over to another adult like you do with small kids.

Have any opinion you want, but at least try and make it make some sense/

Wishihadanalgorithm · 05/03/2023 12:10

No good turn goes unpunished as the saying goes.

Do this woman no favours ever again.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 05/03/2023 12:10

She was spoiling for a fight and excuses to berate you. No more childcare favours and your dp can deal with them.

WiIson · 05/03/2023 12:11

I think this was fine. Particularly as the Costa is one that the children are used to going to by themselves. She sounds like a nasty piece of work. Although if she reports you then she will have to report herself too. Social services wouldn't be interested in this.

Xol · 05/03/2023 12:14

Cocobutt · 05/03/2023 11:49

Nobody's saying that, they're saying she's in the right because it's fine to leave children of this age in Costa. Bit presumptuous to say she needs to apologise when the majority agree she's done nothing wrong.

If this was their dad who left them in a coffee shop so he can go to an appointment he would be the worst person in the world.

Most MNers fall over themselves to agree with the OP if she is a woman or step parent.

If OP had posted that a babysitter or teacher had left her kids in a coffee shop then no one would be saying that it was ok.

Unfortunately your point falls flat on its face, because their dad agreed to this. So if people wanted to use this as an opportunity to bash men, they could very easily - but strangely they haven't. Probably because they are parents themselves and/or live in the real world where rising 10s and 11 year olds go out on their own regularly without any problems.

As for your perception that most MNers agree with step parents, either you haven't been on MN long or you haven't been paying attention. Usually MNers tear step parents apart.

If I felt I needed a babysitter for a child of 11 on a weekend morning, I'd be questioning my parenting.

Xol · 05/03/2023 12:18

Thekirit · 05/03/2023 12:08

When I had younger ones I did try to find out what age is OK to leave them on there own
Surprisingly there is no legal age
Theres some sort of understanding in the legal system it’s 12, but it has no basis in science or the law.

So I can’t answer that I’m afraid.
In my opinion, which is what OP is seeking from MNs, they should not have been left.

Show quote history

But if you can say that children of this age should not have been left, you must have some sort of opinion on when it is OK to leave them? Presumably you made some sort of decision in relation to your own children? It's not a matter of the law, it's a matter of what you regard as good parenting. Most people take the view that at this age children should be beginning to be independent, and that refusing to allow it is potentially quite harmful to them.

Thekirit · 05/03/2023 12:25

Xol · 05/03/2023 12:18

But if you can say that children of this age should not have been left, you must have some sort of opinion on when it is OK to leave them? Presumably you made some sort of decision in relation to your own children? It's not a matter of the law, it's a matter of what you regard as good parenting. Most people take the view that at this age children should be beginning to be independent, and that refusing to allow it is potentially quite harmful to them.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t have left my own children at that age at home or in a public place on their own.

Teateaandmoretea · 05/03/2023 12:25

She’s just trying to cause trouble.

Don’t do her any other favours.

NevieSticks · 05/03/2023 12:27

@Iyjd

  1. next time let her pick them up or
  2. next time let your DP do it
  3. you will never win with a woman like this. She is jealous that her partner has moved on and will do everything she can to try to affect your plans and insinuate her presence into your domestic situation.
  4. don't engage with her stupidity and ignore ( they run out of steam then)
  5. as to all the disputes about the ages of the children at 11 I was travelling to High School on my own, never mind sitting in a bloody Costa. Don't engage.

I know it is difficult not to engage but we have been there and it really is the best.

Teateaandmoretea · 05/03/2023 12:27

I wouldn’t have left my own children at that age at home or in a public place on their own.

Arguably then you didn’t prepare them properly for independence. But what you did is largely irrelevant as that’s your choice. Most people would let a 9 and 11 year go to the park on their own for example.

nixon1976 · 05/03/2023 12:33

Of course it's OK to leave a 9 and 11 year old in a safe coffee shop for half an hour, a coffee shop they are already allowed to go into on their own with friends.

The 11 year old will get herself to school, and the 9 year old won't be far behind.

But the point is, the mother already ALLOWS them to go there on their own.

Thekirit · 05/03/2023 12:36

Teateaandmoretea · 05/03/2023 12:27

I wouldn’t have left my own children at that age at home or in a public place on their own.

Arguably then you didn’t prepare them properly for independence. But what you did is largely irrelevant as that’s your choice. Most people would let a 9 and 11 year go to the park on their own for example.

Exactly
My choice, my opinion.
But isn’t that the point of MN for OP to get others opinion!!

being rude in your first line is just rude.
But I’ll ask them all when they’re back from University if they think our parental choices impacted on their ability to be independent.

kimcho · 05/03/2023 12:40

Xol: 'What if there is no reception/waiting area?'*

  • There aren't many places without reception/waiting area imo. All the DRs, hairdressers, nail technicians, car showrooms, etc, have waiting areas. I have 9&11yo and would take them almost anywhere if I had to. To leave 2 children unsupervised in a coffee shop was irresponsible. Their mother has the right to be angry. At herself, too, as she was late collecting them.
Callmenat · 05/03/2023 12:47

What actually was the appointment for?

skyeisthelimit · 05/03/2023 12:49

OP, YANBU. She was late, possibily deliberatly because she knew that you had an appointment. You put them in the Costa next to where you were, they knew where you were if they needed you. Their dad was OK with it and he has exactly the same parental rights as she does.

It sounds like she deliberately wants to cause trouble for you. I doubt very much that SS are going to be interested in 2 kids being left in a coffee shop. If they are, then they will also have to investigate the mother, if she has let them go there on their own with friends.

In future get your DP to deal with all dropoffs etc and don't do her any more favours.

GoodChat · 05/03/2023 12:51

Callmenat · 05/03/2023 12:47

What actually was the appointment for?

That's absolutely none of your business and is completely irrelevant.

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