AIBU to ask for alternatives to toxic old MN

[FannyBawz]

I’ve been here 15 years and just find it all so nasty and toxic a lot of the time. The witty responses have gradually been replaced by snidey bitchiness much of the time, honestly it’s so depressing. People get jumped on all the time for asking for support.

Thats before we get to the way that womens rights are treated plus the whole sex forum fiasco.

and sorry I am fed up with having dildos waved at me every time I sign on.

Nobody seems to give a shit really at MNHQ and they have a like it or lump it mentality to valid concerns.

I know I don’t have to stay here and So does anybody have any recommendations for other forums? I see a new one called FemVox has been set up and it looks promising.

what else is out there?

I have just joined too, and managed to nab the username I wanted on here but it was already taken! I am hoping that the slightly unappealing name will keep the site a bit smaller.

Well my mistake & I apologise, I worded it wrong. Either ones that think they’re far superior, OR menopausal OR don’t get jokes etc..

I was told the 'fuck off' when I started a thread because I was concerned about a cyclone that had hit New Zealand. Apparently I was an awful person because the disaster wasn't big enough and had not killed enough people to be taken seriously. It was incredibly sad to be treated that way.

@TheySeeMeRowling (LOVE the username) I don't want to search because I find the posts quite upsetting but there are many. Many many many. One recently where a nice lady was saying her husband wants sex more than her and gets sulky and abusive if she doesn't "give" him it and loads of people suggesting sex therapy.

I was shocked by a thread recently where the OP was in late pregnancy and considering giving up her child. She had asked for advice and one of the first posts was along the lines of "why have you started a thread, you should Google all this". I mean, what is the point of posting bitchy comments like that to a person who is obviously feeling vulnerable? Why don't these people just scroll past instead of pouring vitriol?

There are plenty of unpleasant posts from mothers.

And MNHQ have consistently made it clear that women who don't have children are welcome to post.

Still can’t find femvox. I just get loads of
bands when l search it. I’ve looked on Safari and Chrome☹️

Not only that but those replies stopped me posting about something similar (I'm in an abusive relationship, don't think that poster was) when I really needed support yesterday. I was (am) feeling broken and I couldn't face the sort of responses she'd had. I always know the internet can be a tough place, but Mumsnet didn't used to attack women for normal life situations women find themselves in.

I can't be the only one who has held back from posting after seeing things like that (wasn't the first time I'd held back).

So when MNHQ say posts aren't in the spirit of the site, I'm confused by what that spirit is.

Have been on here for a long time, namechanging constantly.

Recently I have noticed a fair amount of disguised racism, and occasionally I want to take myself off to the Brown MN board. But then I think, why should I confine myself to a sub-forum?

Also noticed so many MRAs and Not all Men apologists. The worst was when Emma Pattison was killed. A positive flood of posters rushing to minimise male violence, and share how lovely their husbands or sons were.

All that said, I think MN is an incredible place with incredible wisdom and support, and the vast majority of posters are hugely kind and empathetic. Will never leave. I do avoid posting on AIBU. I post on Chat.

Oh, that's OK then. As long as it's made clear that the menopausal ones are distinct from the "lovely, helpful ones, normal ones, witty ones, don’t get too offended ones".

I mean, if that's what you truly believe about women in the menopause then I guess you have a right to say it. But you shouldn't say offensive and ignorant things if you're not prepared for people to find them offensive and ignorant.

All those of you complaining about nasty posts/posters - do you report them? Because Mumsnet is not a pre-moderated site. That means that unless you report the post/poster, the moderating team don't see it.

I have now made it clear.

Ye, @StarDolphins - you've made it clear that menopausal women are in your second group - the one made of women who aren't lovely!

There are 2 groups of Mumsnet users imo…

lovely, helpful ones, normal ones, witty ones, don’t get too offended ones.

The ones that think they’re far superior, are menopausal, don’t get jokes, have to be warned ‘it’s lighthearted’, unhappy in their lives ones.

Just by shoving OR in there doesn't make any difference to the meaning of what you have said.

I, too, take issue with being lumped in the second group!

Yes I have. I've been given a suspension though for "troll hunting" though for doing so.

Come on, be honest all. We can all name the repeat nasty types usernames can't we? But they are MN old girls so seem to be OK to carry on, perhaps because they push the narrative and keep the site going?

I also think Premium is a bit pointless. I always wonder if this allows people who pay to slide past the usual "not in the spirit" I'm sure HQ will say no but it does feel that way.

^^ This is so upsetting and the crux of the matter. I'm really sorry daretodenim that you are going through this. You should be able to post for support and be treated respectfully and it's utterly crap that owing to the nasty behaviour of others, you have to hold back. I hope Mumsnet HQ see your post and takes this issue seriously.

I have already explained this & apologised for how I worded it (with it still renaming my opinion) please read my previous post. I really don’t want to keep explaining when I already have.

Or…carry on taking issue with what stranger on the internet post.

There’s lots of user names l recognise🫣

Im going too. Been on MN since 2006. But it’s just hard work a lot if the time. Then it was just fun. I don’t remember anyone calling each other cunts.

Thanks for sending me the link 👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻

There’s much low level anxiety and depression amongst the UK population at the moment. The cost of living crisis, debt, shortages, climate angst etc have instigated lot of glass half empty thinking. Also anyone can join Mumsnet, including misogynists, incels, etc, who regulate the level of nasty material they post so it isn’t bad enough to be deleted, but it doesn’t create a supportive environment.

There probably are now better fora out there. But my advice is to just get off the internet and get outside. Connect with people in real life. That’s what I’ll be doing today.

Oh, I will miss your Style and Beauty posts. That part is still fun?

I think I have missed all the posts shaming women in bad relationships or in bad marriages. I do often think people are too quick to cry ' LTB" when it is sometimes impossible for women to do that as soon as posters would like them to.

Good luck. I don’t bother with other forums but enjoy

The members on this forum do seem to struggle with stomaching dissent.

I see this thread about 'how toxic MumsNet is" has started to degenerate into the usual pedantic clusterfuck of "no, what you actually meant when you wrote your post was ...", accusing the OP of ulteria motives and saying it's all the fault of men and women without kids. Yeah, not toxic at all.

I've been to a lot of forums in the past and this place is honestly one of the nastiest I've come across, especially with how people treat those in quite often significant emotional need.There's no way to block or ignore people and it's very rare that there's any long term consequences for abusive posters. I've also noticed it tends to be quite often "the usual suspects" who come in and snipe and then act all indignant when they're called out about it. There's a couple here already. People shouldn't have to "just don't engage" or "hide the AIBU thread".

I'm bookmarking this thread as I find this place toxic and I'd like to find something more supportive. There are a few forums out there with a zero abuse policy, but sadly this isn't one of them. The lack of any "ignore" functionality means you can't even moderate yourself and are expected to "just not read" the nasty stuff.

And yes, there are some helpful and thoughtful people here. It needs more of them and less of the nasty bastards who should be called out, IP blocked and binned.

@daretodenim I wouldn’t seek support here. Regarding relationships, Mumsnet is excellent at spotting and defining abuse. People posting here are knowledgeable and experienced in the subject. If it’s clarification you’re seeking then yep, Mumsnet can and will provide that.

If it’s a genuine understanding of your position within that scenario you’re hoping for, you’ll be lucky.

Baffled by the dildo waving OP mentions!

She's talking about the Whisperer. There were multiple threads about it when it started appearing in Active.