AIBU to not want my bf to go on holiday

[clairelouwho]

For context to not drip-feed: We've been together nearly 2 years, but known each other for over 20 years as friends. We're both in our mid-30s. I live alone in my own home, and he still lives at home with his parents. He regularly has family holidays to Florida with his parents, sister, brother and brother's fiancé. The last holiday was May 2022.

Yesterday, I found out that they're planning a trip in late 2025. It's assumed, I think, by his family that DP will be going. It was mentioned if I would also be going, but due to living alone and CoL, it's unlikely I'd ever be able to afford to go there as it's pricey (especially where they want to stay).

It resulted in a massive argument. I've been talking to him for a number of months now about progressing in our relationship i.e. him moving in, trying to conceive, marriage, etc. I mentioned to him that I felt that plans for him to go on holiday would put a block on us TTC and mean that we wouldn't be able to until after the holiday, by which time, I'll be close to 39.

He has said he's conflicted and feels pulled in multiple directions. It's clear to me that he wants to go and is waiting for the green light from me to go ahead and do it. I feel stuck. Trapped. If I say no, that I'd rather he didn't and focused on moving in with me and building our family/life together, I'm a controlling bitch and that's not what I want to be. If we were in our mid-20s, I'd tell him to book up and enjoy himself.

If I say, go ahead, I run the risk of missing out on what I want because he won't want to TTC before he's been on his holiday. When I've tried to explain this to DP, all I get is, "We're not ready for baby," which I know, right this second, we aren't, but I was hoping we'd be taking steps towards getting ready not looking at things that are going to definitely delay it.

I've got a real fear that if I hold off much longer, I'm never going to be able to have a child of my own and whilst I'd be okay with that if I knew I'd done everything that I could to try-including TTC as soon as possible to give best possible chance-I want to do everything that I can. I was really hoping we could have been moving in together-but if he's busy planning expensive holidays, I worry his head is in a different place entirely.

I just don't feel like he views us as a couple who make joint decisions and considers me in his decisions. Perhaps it's made worse by the fact that he never suggests us going on a couple's holiday to Spain or somewhere-it's always me who suggests-and I always get lukewarm responses (as I suspect Florida is the only holiday and place he wants to go on as he doesn't like beach holidays) so I've given up.

I just don't know if I'm BU expecting that a man in his mid-30s would be looking to settle down, move in and have children. He says he wants children and wants to be with me, but then seems surprised when I point out reality and complains of pressure.

I apologise for the essay-I just wanted to get it all out so I don't drip feed.

I don’t think he’s ready to leave his life at all and be an actual adult.
Sounds like he’s got it cushty at his parents house. Family holidays and minimal responsibilities. It’s up to you whether you want to continue this relationship and wait around for whenever he’s ready. But I know what I’d be doing

I'm a bit confused. What does the holiday have to do with anything and why aren't you able to ttc before then ? I mean I'd understand skipping a month ttc in late 2024/early 2025 so that you can make sure the birth doesn't happen at the same time as the holiday but that aside ?

And also who on earth plans their holidays two years in advance ?

As for saying "we're not ready" what does he say if you reply "well, I'd like to get ready, and a clear time frame. What can we both do so this happens by 2024 at the latest ?"

Honestly, it sounds like he doesn't actually want kids (or at least not with you) but he's stringing you along because he doesn't want to be single.

If you're serious about wanting kids I would give him a time frame by which it needs to happen. Make it sooner rather than later (like 3-6months) as if he's stringing you along and refuses to commit you'll need time to either find another partner or use donor sperm.

In relation to the holiday, it's possible that we could TTC before then, but it wouldn't be practical for him to up and leave to go on holiday if he has a young child or a pregnant partner at home. I think it also signifies where his head is in terms of priorities. It'd be difficult for him to move in if he wants to go on an expensive holiday as once he's living with me and paying half or close to, he'll have less disposable income.

I think I worry that it'll influence how much he wants to bother with progressing us and building a family with me. I do suspect that you're right. I will need to set a clear time frame (I have stated I'd like to start TTC this year) and if he doesn't go along with it, then I have my answer.

I think you're flogging a dead horse here, ttc and no plans to live together? get rid and don't waste anymore of your precious time with this so called man.

I would have no problems,with the holiday but if you ate having that much trouble with him in your eyes why on earth would you want a, his with him?

I am sorry if Iam meant to go 'he is being totally unreasonable everything should stop so you can have a baby' but that is not what I think

Having a baby with some is making them a father, would this be fair on your child if you think this way? It's not about you but the child

Sorry OP don’t think he’s ready. And possibly too tied to the apron strings to ever be (for the foreseeable). Don’t take it as you’re not good enough for him to choose you - he’s just not willing to commit & not who you should be with.

TTC aside it's weird he is planning a holiday without you his partner for two years time. I also agree sounds like he hasn't grown up.

Even if he still wanted to go to Florida, I would have thought he would have been trying to talk you into coming with him.

A holiday in 2025 should have no bearing on you TTC, if he has a tradition of going on holiday with his family maybe you have to accept that. If you did go on to have a baby I'm sure you could manage for a week or two, if your serious about him you may have to suck it up!

I think YABU. It's 2.5 years away. I personally would put the money aside each month and go with them. But I'd never get in his way of going should he want to go. Just because you say no doesn't mean he should.

OP, you don't live together, he quite clearly isn't interested in having a baby, at least not with you. You like different things and have different priorities. Let him go on his holiday, while you go and find someone new. Stop wasting your time.

I think it is a bit unreasonable of you to say he can't go on a 2 week holiday with his family. I'm also not sure why a holiday in late 2025 would stop you ttc before then. If you conceive and have a baby then you could cope with a baby while he is away - millions of single parents do it all of the time.

Cut your losses, you both want different things. Neither of you is wrong, just not suited to each other.

It doesn't sound like having a baby with you is a priority for him at this point in his life. And you really, really do not want to have a baby with a man who is conflicted about becoming a father. You and your future baby deserve better than that.

This business about trips to Florida and TTC around travel dates is just noise. You two are not on the same page. Accept that and make your choices from there.

He says he wants children and wants to be with me, but then seems surprised when I point out reality and complains of pressure.

that's really your problem in a nutshell. He's not being realistic.

Avoiding TTC due to a holiday is ridiculous since you can't know how long it will take and I agree your biological clock is ticking.
It sounds like he is not yet ready to be independent and set up home and start a family yet.

He lives with his parents and goes on holiday with family as if he's still in his 20s, when he has a partner and could be going on holiday with you or inviting you along.

If he really wanted children with you - he would be investing in your relationship together and having children would be more important than a holiday to Florida.

Complaining of pressure is the same as saying I don't see this happening for quite some time. You have every right to discuss it because your window of opportunity to have children is narrowing. I think its quite selfish of him to not get that this is a real life issue for you and to brush it aside.

Its fair enough if he is not ready yet but he should say so and give you the chance to make your decisions - not string you along until you are into your 40s using a holiday as an excuse. This is your future. How can that matter less than a holiday to Florida?

If he keeps shutting down reasonable discussion of the future and saying its pressure then he's just not ready and perhaps never will be.
If he wanted to do it - the idea of pressure wouldn't come into it.
You have to ask yourself if he can't even contemplate your Pov what kind of life partner or father would he make if he's more bothered about this holiday?
I think if he can't be honest with you, you have to take matters into your own hands and consider your options.

Hi, OP -

Do you see yourself bringing up the baby alone, with visits from your BF? Nothing wrong with that, but it isn’t easy. I ask because it’s already March and if you envisage any other lifestyle I don’t think it is realistic to plan to TTC this year with a man still living with his parents.

Moving in together is a big adjustment, particularly for a guy who has been catered to by his parents into his 30s. If you want to live as a happy family of three, you need to work out how to be a couple first. IMO he isn’t in a huge hurry to leave the family home.

Having said that, I also don’t understand why a holiday in roughly 2.5 years prevents you from TTC now. Other things, yes.

This man does not want to be in a committed relationship, and he does not want to have children. I doubt with anyone, not just you, so don’t feel too bad on that front.

He’s telling you these things loud and clear - but you’re either not hearing, or not listening.

He’s prioritising a holiday that’s two years away - with his family?! - over ANY sort of future with you.

I’m sorry, OP. He’s not that into you. If you decide to hang around for his scraps (and I urge you to treat yourself better than that), I can cast iron guarantee that you will get to the end of 2025, he’ll be back from holiday, and he still will not be ready.

You deserve better - I hope this thread helps the scales fall from your eyes sooner, rather than later.

I don't understand previous comments at all..
Why on earth can't he go on a holiday with his family?
He could totally be away when you're pregnant and likewise you could manage by yourself with a baby for a little while..
I think you're being completely unreasonable trying to stop him from going and living his life and it sounds ridiculously controlling..
It's obviously something that's important to him, it sounds like a lovely tradition, why on earth wouldn't you just accept it..
When something is important to my partner I support and encourage it..
What if they were travelling for a family wedding? Would you still not want him to go?
He can be your partner and still live his life.. He's not like he's talking about moving abroad or buying a house with his siblings, it's a holiday!!

Its not the holiday as such. But this is a man in his mid-30s who lives with mummy. Enough said. You have more financial stability and you want a future with him. He isnt adult enough to be in that space. Otherwise he would not be living with mummy and making no other plans other than a holiday with mummy. But he no doubt likes the regular sex and the time in your adult apartment. Cut your losses. I would.

Of course he can go on holiday with his family. I thought this was going to be a lads holiday to Las Vegas or Amsterdam you were falling out about.

Re ttc and all the rest, it’s so shite women are lumbered with effectively a deadline and men are not. I don’t have any advice except maybe look at previous similar posts and what they did. I don’t know how you get reluctant men over the line or if you should even try. I think possibly saying you’ll give it another 6 months but if the relationships not progressed then you’re moving on. If within that time he uses the cost of the holiday as an excuse not to move in etc then I’d put him in the bin, he can’t expect your relationship to go on hold for over 2 years for a holiday (btw it’s stuff like being unhappy about him going on a family holiday that might make him unsure about progressing the relationship himself?!).

He's a man child. Forget about holidays as that's a very temporary issue. Decide what you want long term.

Thank you all for your responses.

It's definitely not just the holiday-I think that's just the trigger point that has raised some questions for me regarding his priorities.

I am actually happy for him to go on holiday with his family. He went last year in May to Florida with his family and I was perfectly happy for that, just as I expect that he would be happy if I did the same. This isn't about being ridiculously controlling-because I'm not.

It's more about the fact that I feel that it highlights a disparity between our priorities. If he was making plans to move in with me and TTC, given my narrowing window of opportunity, I'd be happy for him to make plans to go on holiday alongside that. It's the fact that he digs his heels in and either refuses to talk about it-he often skirts around the issue and then complains that he feels uncomfortable talking about babies and stuff. Or, he complains about pressure and us not being ready-which he conveniently ignores the fact that I'm trying to develop a plan for us to be ready.

I do worry that going on such an expensive holiday will naturally put a hold on things for us. We're not loaded, by any means and if he were to move in, his ability to afford the holiday would diminish unless I subsidised it by paying more towards the bills. Naturally that would impact or could impact a financial ability/desire to afford a child as well.

‘I just don't feel like he views us as a couple who make joint decisions and considers me in his decisions.’ @clairelouwho he doesn’t and you don’t. He is happy enough dating you but he is mid 30s and to be blunt he’s not that interested in a long term future with you. Call it quits now and start looking for someone who wants the same things as you at the same time.

Seems you mostly see him as a baby daddy. He is your ticket to motherhood.

I am not sure you like him or actually want to be with him. Your focus is on how he needs to live his life in a way where he is there to create the child you want when you want.

Save up and go with them. It’s a fabulous place. I spent a lot of time canoeing at Wekiva Springs just last week, and snorkelling Rock Springs. I go quite often and I can’t wait to go back.

In the meantime plan TTC. Does it matter if you take a baby in two years time? Why wait? I’ve been taking my son his whole life. We’ve had amazing experiences.

Unless your BF is actively stalling things with you, using this holiday as an excuse (in which case that warrants its own discussion) just enjoy life together and plan and do.

You’re right that there are some very expensive places to stay in Florida, but there are also some very reasonable places too. Would you and your partner have to stay with the rest of the family at the Grand Floridian or wherever it is they are looking to stay? Couldn’t you stay nearby at a cheaper resort?

I don’t really see a big issue with this one, but then I wouldn’t turn down a Florida holiday either so perhaps I’m just biased.

I thought this too. Even still, OP, babydads can be shit.