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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want my bf to go on holiday

157 replies

clairelouwho · 04/03/2023 01:04

For context to not drip-feed: We've been together nearly 2 years, but known each other for over 20 years as friends. We're both in our mid-30s. I live alone in my own home, and he still lives at home with his parents. He regularly has family holidays to Florida with his parents, sister, brother and brother's fiancé. The last holiday was May 2022.

Yesterday, I found out that they're planning a trip in late 2025. It's assumed, I think, by his family that DP will be going. It was mentioned if I would also be going, but due to living alone and CoL, it's unlikely I'd ever be able to afford to go there as it's pricey (especially where they want to stay).

It resulted in a massive argument. I've been talking to him for a number of months now about progressing in our relationship i.e. him moving in, trying to conceive, marriage, etc. I mentioned to him that I felt that plans for him to go on holiday would put a block on us TTC and mean that we wouldn't be able to until after the holiday, by which time, I'll be close to 39.

He has said he's conflicted and feels pulled in multiple directions. It's clear to me that he wants to go and is waiting for the green light from me to go ahead and do it. I feel stuck. Trapped. If I say no, that I'd rather he didn't and focused on moving in with me and building our family/life together, I'm a controlling bitch and that's not what I want to be. If we were in our mid-20s, I'd tell him to book up and enjoy himself.

If I say, go ahead, I run the risk of missing out on what I want because he won't want to TTC before he's been on his holiday. When I've tried to explain this to DP, all I get is, "We're not ready for baby," which I know, right this second, we aren't, but I was hoping we'd be taking steps towards getting ready not looking at things that are going to definitely delay it.

I've got a real fear that if I hold off much longer, I'm never going to be able to have a child of my own and whilst I'd be okay with that if I knew I'd done everything that I could to try-including TTC as soon as possible to give best possible chance-I want to do everything that I can. I was really hoping we could have been moving in together-but if he's busy planning expensive holidays, I worry his head is in a different place entirely.

I just don't feel like he views us as a couple who make joint decisions and considers me in his decisions. Perhaps it's made worse by the fact that he never suggests us going on a couple's holiday to Spain or somewhere-it's always me who suggests-and I always get lukewarm responses (as I suspect Florida is the only holiday and place he wants to go on as he doesn't like beach holidays) so I've given up.

I just don't know if I'm BU expecting that a man in his mid-30s would be looking to settle down, move in and have children. He says he wants children and wants to be with me, but then seems surprised when I point out reality and complains of pressure.

I apologise for the essay-I just wanted to get it all out so I don't drip feed.

OP posts:

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 04/03/2023 02:48

clairelouwho · 04/03/2023 02:31

Thank you all for your responses.

It's definitely not just the holiday-I think that's just the trigger point that has raised some questions for me regarding his priorities.

I am actually happy for him to go on holiday with his family. He went last year in May to Florida with his family and I was perfectly happy for that, just as I expect that he would be happy if I did the same. This isn't about being ridiculously controlling-because I'm not.

It's more about the fact that I feel that it highlights a disparity between our priorities. If he was making plans to move in with me and TTC, given my narrowing window of opportunity, I'd be happy for him to make plans to go on holiday alongside that. It's the fact that he digs his heels in and either refuses to talk about it-he often skirts around the issue and then complains that he feels uncomfortable talking about babies and stuff. Or, he complains about pressure and us not being ready-which he conveniently ignores the fact that I'm trying to develop a plan for us to be ready.

I do worry that going on such an expensive holiday will naturally put a hold on things for us. We're not loaded, by any means and if he were to move in, his ability to afford the holiday would diminish unless I subsidised it by paying more towards the bills. Naturally that would impact or could impact a financial ability/desire to afford a child as well.

Look back at what you just posted. You are the only one taking about making actual plans for a future together. In your own words he refuses to talk about it, skirts the issue, complains about feeling pressured or isn't "comfortable" talking about babies.

Do you really want to have to hound someone into making a commitment to you? Do you think that bodes well for your future together?

You can move on, you can wait and see if he changes his mind someday... just be clear-headed about it.

Appleblum · 04/03/2023 02:51

You are confounding 2 very separate issues.

It should be totally fine for him to go on a family holiday even if you're ttc. I mean how long would the holiday be for, 2 weeks?

Progressing your relationship to moving in together, having a baby, etc is a separate issue that you need to discuss properly. Honestly he doesn't sound ready from what you've said. On the other hand though, from his point of view, it's early 2023 and you're discouraging him from planning a holiday with his family in 2025 because you'll be having babies sounds like a lot of pressure and a bit bonkers.

Itsallok · 04/03/2023 02:55

I cant believe you are ignoring the fact that this man is a mid-30s man who STILL LIVES WITH MUMMY. Pathetic. And unless there is some drip feed has only ever lived with Mummy. These men are not a good bet to go from mummy to husband/father. ITS NOT THE HOLIDAY!

garlictwist · 04/03/2023 03:02

What's him going on holiday with his family got to do with moving in and ttc? I don't get it. I don't see the issue with him going away with them without you at all. Plus it's like two years away!

Boxe · 04/03/2023 03:06

That old adage, “if he wanted to, he would” always rings true.

The problem here is that you have a boyfriend who is a man-child and you’re trying to turn him into a dedicated partner. He doesn’t live independently so what makes you think he’s the type who will make a good husband and father? He can’t/won’t support himself, and you want to lumber a baby with a dad like that?

It’s like you’re at diametrically opposite ends of a long scale. You have a boyfriend who appears to have no more ambition in life than to go away with his parents in 2.5yrs time, and you’re trying to “sell” him a life with you where your control him to the extent that he’s a sperm-producer who can only go away if you’re happy that the timing suits you.

Throw him back, and stop wasting your fertile years.

Oh, and don’t be shocked if he gets into a new relationship and is married with a baby on the way pretty quickly. His type often do that.

WeepingSomnambulist · 04/03/2023 03:07

You've got a couple issues here.

Issue 1, you are totally the unreasonable one. What on earth does a holiday in 2 years time have to do with you TTC? You skip a month or 2 so he isnt abroad on your due date, fhats all. He can go on holiday with a pregnant partner at home. He can even go on holiday with a young child at home if it falls that way as long as he was a fully engage and committed partner and parent outside of that. You're being ridiculous acting like a holiday in 2 years means you cant conceive until after it. Utter nonsense and an excuse to control him.

However, issue 2 makes the first one moot. He doesnt want kids. He doesnt want to settle down. He doesnt want to grow up and pay his own way. He might want kids eventually, but it wont be in time for you. He can wait. You cant. You also cant force him into it. If you want kids and you're pushing 40 then he isnt the right guy. He doesnt want them now or anytime soon.

wheelywheelynice · 04/03/2023 03:07

He feels uncomfortable talking about babies?
He doesn't want babies or a life committed to you, so leave him with mummy and find a man who wants what you want.
Don't waste any more of your precious time on him.

WeepingSomnambulist · 04/03/2023 03:11

Itsallok · 04/03/2023 02:55

He lives with both his parents, not just his mum. And you're saying mum like it is somehow her fault alone, like she is a problem to be blamed.

He also lives with his dad. The automatic desire to focus on the mum, in a negative way, needs to stop. Your misogyny is showing.

WeepingSomnambulist · 04/03/2023 03:12

wheelywheelynice · 04/03/2023 03:07

And another one.
Why didnt you say, "leave him with daddy," instead?

HamBone · 04/03/2023 03:29

This holiday plan has simply been a wake-up call for you, hasn’t it, OP. It’s a horrible shock, but the reality is that he doesn’t really want to commit to you and have a family together.

If he did, he’d be getting on with it, making plans to live together and TTC (and still go to Florida at some point, the holiday isn’t the issue). But he’s not.

Honestly OP, I’d dump him and move on with your life. 💐

Itsallok · 04/03/2023 03:45

WeepingSomnambulist · 04/03/2023 03:11

He lives with both his parents, not just his mum. And you're saying mum like it is somehow her fault alone, like she is a problem to be blamed.

He also lives with his dad. The automatic desire to focus on the mum, in a negative way, needs to stop. Your misogyny is showing.

Show quote history

Yeah, that's what it is. They stay at home so they can be with Dad. Whatever. I'm not blaming his mother at all - she isn't the issue. But hey put mummy and daddy in there if it makes you feel better

Woke bullshit doesn't change the fact that reading MN alone will tell you how many pathetic men there are out there unable to be adults. And its very rarely to do with Daddy

honeypancake · 04/03/2023 03:49

YABU. The guy is only going away for a couple of weeks in 2025, and told you in advance. You are overthinking it big time . Agree to take next steps together , TTC soon, move in and see what happens. What's wrong with taking one or two separate holidays away with family ? You do sound controlling!

Itsallok · 04/03/2023 04:01

honeypancake · 04/03/2023 03:49

Have you read the whole thread - he isnt agreeing to the other things fully.

VioletPickles · 04/03/2023 04:02

I’m not sure a two week holiday will have that much impact on his finances over two years? Unless hes very low income. Could he not put a bit aside each month for the holiday and still be able to plan moving in with you?

Although having said that it doesn’t seem like he wants to.

Ragwort · 04/03/2023 04:21

He just doesn't sound like a mature adult, still living at home in his 30s, no initiative to buy/rent a place of his own and very focussed on his family holidays - there's nothing wrong with that but it's very clear you are poles apart in ambition and priorities.

Bloopsie · 04/03/2023 04:26

By the sounds of it he dosent want a baby and to move out of his mums basement.

I think you need to have a serious think if its worth missing out on the kids,you can do marriage anytime but getting pregnant is a different game all together, after 35 its tick tock tick tock, especially if yoy decide yoy want to have more than one child.

Nimbostratus100 · 04/03/2023 04:29

I don't understand at all, you have been invited on this holiday and don't want to go, fair enough, but why should he not go?

What if you were pregnant or had a child by then? I don't get why that would stop him going on holiday.

I really don't see why you should try and stop someone planning a family holiday in a couple of years, I really cant see any problem with this at all

This makes no sense to me at all. In fact, someone this close to their family, I would see as a point in their favour!

landbeforegrime · 04/03/2023 04:33

time is not on your side. he is not making plans about moving forward with you and starting a family. he may never feel it's the right time, or when he does it may be too late. is he worth waiting for and to see if he essentially changes his mind? it doesn't sound like it. move on. and honestly think about freezing your eggs, especially if you think you want more than one child.

Indecisivebynature · 04/03/2023 05:14

From your description I would’ve said he was in his early 20’s!

His life sounds great! Carefree, I’m guessing very low living costs as he still lives with parents, plenty of disposable cash and a steady virtually commitment free girlfriend who provides regular sex. He has a very comfortable life and doesn’t sound like he wants to change it at the moment.

I think it’s ridiculous you’re considering putting all plans on hold until after a holiday! It’s a holiday! That’s all! And it’s two years away! If you were mid 20’s it would be fine but not mid 30’s.

i think the holiday is a red herring, it’s an excuse for delaying moving in/ttc/moving your relationship forward.

My worry would be if you did send him off on his family holiday and put your wishes on hold for two years, what happens then? What if he has plans for another holiday after that? I don’t think he’s ready to leave the comfort and ease of his parents house amd doesn’t want to be a proper grown up!

AgentJohnson · 04/03/2023 05:40

The man you want to ‘progress’ a relationship with, doesn’t, well not at the speed you want to. He doesn’t share your sense of urgency and moreover, doesn’t sound like he wants the responsibility of all that comes with being an independent adult.

You knowing this man for over twenty years counts for nothing because you’ve only been in a relationship with him for two. This is who he is and at it sounds like you’re trying to mould him into something he isn’t or at best, something he isn’t ready for.

Children are a huge commitment, trying to have them with someone who deep down doesn’t want the responsibility is a fast track to being a single parent. I’ve been there and looking back my Ex just went along with things, which ultimately ended with him being an absent father.

GoodChat · 04/03/2023 05:42

He lives with his parents - how would affording a holiday be so difficult for him?

And if he moved in with you it'd massively reduce your outgoings so I don't know how it'd be unaffordable for you either.

Money seems to be the excuse when really it's everything else.

canfor · 04/03/2023 05:45

Objective outsider here. He's still living like he's in his 20s. Kids and settling down are on the horizon for him. He doesn't want to speed that up for your sake.

Sounds as though he is stringing you along a bit, you'll potentially end up childless and in you late forties then he'll decide it's time to have kids and find a younger model, or you'll be a single parent watching him still behave like a kid....choose your destiny, maybe better off splitting now?

Jooliusreezer · 04/03/2023 06:02

Oh my god, he’s mid thirties, still lives at home and his parents still take him on holiday to Orlando?

He’s a fucking child.

He won’t move in, he won’t have a child (if he does he flee back home to mummy every time it’s ‘hard’) and he won’t progress the relationship.

Google sunk cost fallacy and cut your losses.

Shoxfordian · 04/03/2023 06:10

He’s not acting like an adult or a partner to you op- he’s like a teenager still living at his parents house and going on family holidays- hope they buy him some Mickey Mouse ears in Disneyland. Stop all the ttc, don’t move in, you’re wasting your time here

Roseshavethorns · 04/03/2023 06:16

You say that YOU want to progress to living together not we.
It sounds like he is happy with the status quo. I think you really need to find out what he actually wants and make a joint informed decision regarding your future.
The holiday is irrelevant at the moment.

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