AIBU to not want my bf to go on holiday

[clairelouwho]

For context to not drip-feed: We've been together nearly 2 years, but known each other for over 20 years as friends. We're both in our mid-30s. I live alone in my own home, and he still lives at home with his parents. He regularly has family holidays to Florida with his parents, sister, brother and brother's fiancé. The last holiday was May 2022.

Yesterday, I found out that they're planning a trip in late 2025. It's assumed, I think, by his family that DP will be going. It was mentioned if I would also be going, but due to living alone and CoL, it's unlikely I'd ever be able to afford to go there as it's pricey (especially where they want to stay).

It resulted in a massive argument. I've been talking to him for a number of months now about progressing in our relationship i.e. him moving in, trying to conceive, marriage, etc. I mentioned to him that I felt that plans for him to go on holiday would put a block on us TTC and mean that we wouldn't be able to until after the holiday, by which time, I'll be close to 39.

He has said he's conflicted and feels pulled in multiple directions. It's clear to me that he wants to go and is waiting for the green light from me to go ahead and do it. I feel stuck. Trapped. If I say no, that I'd rather he didn't and focused on moving in with me and building our family/life together, I'm a controlling bitch and that's not what I want to be. If we were in our mid-20s, I'd tell him to book up and enjoy himself.

If I say, go ahead, I run the risk of missing out on what I want because he won't want to TTC before he's been on his holiday. When I've tried to explain this to DP, all I get is, "We're not ready for baby," which I know, right this second, we aren't, but I was hoping we'd be taking steps towards getting ready not looking at things that are going to definitely delay it.

I've got a real fear that if I hold off much longer, I'm never going to be able to have a child of my own and whilst I'd be okay with that if I knew I'd done everything that I could to try-including TTC as soon as possible to give best possible chance-I want to do everything that I can. I was really hoping we could have been moving in together-but if he's busy planning expensive holidays, I worry his head is in a different place entirely.

I just don't feel like he views us as a couple who make joint decisions and considers me in his decisions. Perhaps it's made worse by the fact that he never suggests us going on a couple's holiday to Spain or somewhere-it's always me who suggests-and I always get lukewarm responses (as I suspect Florida is the only holiday and place he wants to go on as he doesn't like beach holidays) so I've given up.

I just don't know if I'm BU expecting that a man in his mid-30s would be looking to settle down, move in and have children. He says he wants children and wants to be with me, but then seems surprised when I point out reality and complains of pressure.

I apologise for the essay-I just wanted to get it all out so I don't drip feed.

Honestly don’t waste another 6 months of your precious fertile years giving him deadlines. He’s made it very clear that his priorities are not the same as yours, I think you need to accept that and move on.

Has he ever lived anywhere other than with his parents? Living away for university? Living with a friend or girlfriend? If he's got to his mid-30s without ever having moved out at all, that would be a red flag and a turn off for me.

You're both in your mid-30s and you've been dating for 2 years... if he is not interested in moving in with you and actively participating in making that happen, you're flogging a dead horse. And you should not TTC without living with him first, that would be madness. (Of course unplanned pregnancies happen but you shouldn't plan a pregnancy when not living together.)

You still have time to move on and meet someone else or go it alone, but you don't have time to waste any more of it with him. I think you should end it I'm afraid.

Has he always lived with his parents or has he lived alone or with a partner previously?

whilst many people in thirties have to live with their parents for financial reasons, I would have thought a large number of people his age would at least want to move out from their parents’ house.

If you can afford to live on you own, that surely demonstrates to him that he can afford to live with you and share the bills.

I’m afraid I suspect it’s more that he doesn’t want to move out than he can’t afford it. Personally I would end the relationship as you aren’t both at the same stage and want different things.

YABVU

If my partner who I don’t even live with or have kids with, tried telling me I can’t pre-book a holiday with my family then it would be over.

I think this entire relationship is nuts!

You keep talking about TTC but you don’t even live together yet!

When you do eventually start living together you obviously aren’t going to start TTC straight away as you need to know that you actually get on.
Living together is when you know whether your relationship is going to work long term or not.

Chances are you will not be TTC by then anyway and if things do progress then why not just wait TTC until after the holiday.

For now, forget about TTC.
Make a plan about when you are going to move in together.

This with a million bells. Please, please stop wasting your time.

I'd imagine I'd want us to pay for and go on a family holiday together and costs be covered by both of us (even if it meant going somewhere we could both afford or him putting in more as part of a partnership) we were that committed that we were trying for a baby not have him swanning off on his own for family holidays that exclude me as part of that family.

What will he do once you have the baby? Say sorry we're going somewhere you can't afford but I can afford to go and either take our child or leave it at home with you? That's not a committed partnership.

So many issues here(OK, 5!):

Firstly, it's weird to want to block a holiday in 2 years time due to TTC. If one of you had the flu and didn't feel like sex, it could easily be 2 weeks of not TTC.

Secondly, you aren't living together, and yet you (and from what you have said, it is just you) are going to be trying for a baby. How about living together first, in case either of you struggle with the reality of living together? Or do you imagine your life post baby with you both in separate homes?

Thirdly, you've been together for 2 years now, and while you say that you couldn't afford to go, do you actually want to go - it's not clear if you have ever been asked/it's been made clear that you are welcome to come along - I note that someone's fiancee also attends, so it's not as if it is only blood family. I do think that is weird if not. We do a family Florida holiday every 3-4 years, my son's partner came the last time, and I paid for her because it would be really twatty to say "I'll pay for son to come but not you". Next one is planned in a couple of years and I've already started mentioning to family that my niece has been with her BF for a year or 2, and that we should extend the invitation to him.
Obviously it's different if the idea of going to Florida is really not to your taste.

Fourthly, I can't imagine going on a holiday that my OH would like, but couldn't afford, and not helping them with paying - not necessarily all, but saying that you would pay for flight and tickets, maybe acommodation (I wouldn't charge if they don't have to book any extra rooms i.e. if your partner would normally have a room to himself, you would be sharing with him vs if he shared with a brother/cousin and so an extra room was needed), and ask them to put in for food/fuel and bring their own spending money.

Finally your comment about if you say no, you are a controlling bitch. Is that what he has said to you (if so, that's really worrying as he ought to be able to discuss this without abuse), or is it something that you think you will feel like?

I do not see a problem with him going on holiday if he wants. You did say that you could go, so why not start saving now. Your relationship actually doesn't sound like you are a couple in the true sense of the word. Time for you both to sit down and discuss if your "relationship" is working and if not go your separate ways. Far better to discuss than give ultimatums

he doesn't want to move in the direction that I want us to as a couple. The fact that he struggles to discuss what I think are reasonable topics at our age to talk about tells me everything.

I think you are coming to your own conclusions here.

You've known him for 20 years so it feels very safe and comfortable. But that is not the same as being in a relationship for that time.

I've no problem with people who live with their parents, but usually, it turns out it is so that they can save money to become more independent which is fair enough. It sounds as if he's living with his parents but no other plans. But you are talking about subsidising him to live with you? You shouldn't have to do that. Another pp said you could end up becoming his mother figure. I agree. He's not bothering to make plans because plans require making choices and it sounds as if he just can't do that.

I think that saying to him move in with me within six months or its over ... is a kind of pressure although you do have very good reasons for it. The problem is that you don't really know what he thinks about anything because he simply won't discuss it.

So I think saying my plan is you move in etc... is pointless. It should be more... asking him to tell you what his plans are..what does he want for his career, if he hasn't any .. if he doesn't why not? What is it he wants for the next 2 years, or 5 years?

I think perhaps if you could get him to open up ... it might make him think or at least it might make it easier for you to make a decision. But it's time for him to show his cards. You shouldn't have to argue to get a bit of honesty.

I would find this enormously frustrating. It's so important to you but he keeps prevaricating. Will he be like this about other important issues in the future. Would he be like this towards his children as a dad? Only you can estimate this. If he does move in, agrees to TTC, but carries on the way he is now unable to discuss important issues without claiming he's being pressured - how would you feel about that then?

He’s allowed to not be ready for serious commitment and to prefer living with his parents.
You are allowed to decide you won’t wait for him. Doesn’t sound like you’re on the same page at all.

Has he always lived with his parents?

If so, I would be very wary of trying to force a man in his mid 30s who has not had a serious relationship before into one.

If it's a temporary-ish thing following a relationship breakup or whatever then I'd wonder if there is something going on making him wary of taking next steps with you. Does he have kids?

The holiday is not the issue. If it is usual for his family to go away together in 2 years, he wants to go and has invited you then he should be able to plan to go. It doesn't impact on your ttc apart from potentially avoiding a couple of months so you would not be heavily pregnant or with a newborn. Of course he could go on a longstanding holiday for a couple of weeks "leaving" a pregnant partner at home. I don't understand the issue. If you don't want to go as financially that's not your priority that is fine too.

The issue is him avoiding talking about the future while you are planning babies.

Have a talk and see if you are on the same page.

If not, then call it.

A holiday two years away... with his family?

Stop controlling him OP. You don't even live together. If you are pregnant he can still go.

You're being a bit odd and it sounds like a lot of pressure.

Neither of you are on the same page here op.
sorry to say but you are better looking for a partner who wants what you do because he doesn't.You could waste the next one,two,three years trying to wait patiently but he might not change by then.
you want a husband,baby,home life,he wants freedom,holidays and no babies.
if you can decide you don't want children or to set up home with an equal partner then stay with him.I say equal because of he's going from his mum's to yours he might possibly expect you to look after him at first.😂
hard decision so good luck

MN default answer - split up.
Then rush into a relationship with a man you probably don’t even know that well, who will give you a baby in the next year or two? Especially when you actually like your current BF and he really hasn’t done anything wrong - except dare to still live with parents and want a Florida holiday. Great idea!

Two years together really isn’t that long. I think it’s a good idea to have a chat about moving in together soon. Then save together for a wonderful holiday and let nature take its course along the way in terms of conversations about the next steps and babies.

Now if he responds no chance to moving in and babies and he doesn’t want you on his holiday, well, then you can worry.

I had a feeling you would come back and say you will give it six months. But at your ages and after two years, he really should know by now and not need six more months. He could move into yours next weekend if he really wanted to. It just doesn’t seem like he does want to.

I think you should have a final discussion with him, but if it goes the same way as your previous attempts, you need to stop flogging this. You do have time still, to get the marriage and the family you want, but you are not mid 20s and you can’t afford to waste another six months.

I'd be putting the decision on him. When is he going to commit, that includes moving in, ttc, I'd also sort out finances too as it's a good idea to sort this before he moves in. What will his contribution be to the houses financially, marriage, maternity leave, who pays what, work when a baby arrives etc. then if he does commit to you, he can decide if he wants to go on the holiday or not. If a baby comes along around the time of the holiday, ask him what he intends to do, stay or go on the holiday. Rather than you marking his decision, let his answers give YOU the info about if YOU want to commit to him

Will his parents pay for the holiday? If not it's unlikely he'll be able to afford to go if he moves in.

Some women cant travel at all during the pregnancy,i have to stay 30min travel from the hospital during the whole pregnancy.

I think its quite sensible not to plan abroad holidays when pregnancy is in the plans.

If he agrees to doing that and moving in and TTC

Agrees?

If he agrees?

You shouldn’t have to make this future faker agree to move in and consider children! He won’t even talk about it as it makes him ‘uncomfortable’.

He’s mid 30s. He lives at home. He goes to Disneyland with his mum and dad. He won’t move in with you and it’s been two years.

I really think you need to face the sad truth in front of you.

Op you're seeing a bloke who's approaching middle age who still lives with his parents. Who has no desire to move out and adult but likes you to get laid with?

How many of your fertile years are you going to waste on this person? The holiday is the least of your problems

I wouldn’t ask him to move in within six months, OP, I’d ask him to move in right now. If he’s in love with you, he’ll jump at the chance. You’ve been together for two years, he knows you well, there’s no reason to delay.

if he does, I’m afraid you have your answer.

YABU

You are not even living together so not that committed. Trying to control his future leisure plans in these circumstances is odd. Same for determining your tic plans.

Sort out the relationship first. Or not.

This is so dumb. Of course he could go on a bloody holiday if you're pregnant or you've had a baby. For gods sake.

Thanks for your ever so insightful input

I've read all of your responses and I think you've come to the conclusion I feel is correct.

I'm really sorry you're getting so many over the top negative responses here. You sound perfectly patient and normal. Maybe people are fixating on the holiday because that's what's in the title, but it's clear from your actual posts it's so much more than that.

FWIW, OP, it's definitely an "it's not you, it's him" situation. He sounds like the sort of mid-30s man who is quite happy with life as it is right now (well subsidised by his parents. I assume he's not using this time to save up for someplace to live etc?) I actually am not opposed to people living with parents in their adulthood; I moved back in with my father from my mid to late 20's and not only was it helpful but we both really enjoyed it.

I digress. He's in his mid-30's and he's figuratively clamping his hands over his ears and going LA LA LA when you mention settling down and babies. You've said yourself you thought a man would be ready to settle down at his age; yes, but then there's a whole lot of men who wait until their in their mid to late 40's and realise it, and end up online dating fishing for women 15 years younger than they are.

At this rate, if he does 'give in' and TTC with you, from your own description he's going to be a resentful baby about it, which you are not going to need on top of having an actual baby.

You probably need to prepare for the worst here.