Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my bf to go on holiday

157 replies

clairelouwho · 04/03/2023 01:04

For context to not drip-feed: We've been together nearly 2 years, but known each other for over 20 years as friends. We're both in our mid-30s. I live alone in my own home, and he still lives at home with his parents. He regularly has family holidays to Florida with his parents, sister, brother and brother's fiancé. The last holiday was May 2022.

Yesterday, I found out that they're planning a trip in late 2025. It's assumed, I think, by his family that DP will be going. It was mentioned if I would also be going, but due to living alone and CoL, it's unlikely I'd ever be able to afford to go there as it's pricey (especially where they want to stay).

It resulted in a massive argument. I've been talking to him for a number of months now about progressing in our relationship i.e. him moving in, trying to conceive, marriage, etc. I mentioned to him that I felt that plans for him to go on holiday would put a block on us TTC and mean that we wouldn't be able to until after the holiday, by which time, I'll be close to 39.

He has said he's conflicted and feels pulled in multiple directions. It's clear to me that he wants to go and is waiting for the green light from me to go ahead and do it. I feel stuck. Trapped. If I say no, that I'd rather he didn't and focused on moving in with me and building our family/life together, I'm a controlling bitch and that's not what I want to be. If we were in our mid-20s, I'd tell him to book up and enjoy himself.

If I say, go ahead, I run the risk of missing out on what I want because he won't want to TTC before he's been on his holiday. When I've tried to explain this to DP, all I get is, "We're not ready for baby," which I know, right this second, we aren't, but I was hoping we'd be taking steps towards getting ready not looking at things that are going to definitely delay it.

I've got a real fear that if I hold off much longer, I'm never going to be able to have a child of my own and whilst I'd be okay with that if I knew I'd done everything that I could to try-including TTC as soon as possible to give best possible chance-I want to do everything that I can. I was really hoping we could have been moving in together-but if he's busy planning expensive holidays, I worry his head is in a different place entirely.

I just don't feel like he views us as a couple who make joint decisions and considers me in his decisions. Perhaps it's made worse by the fact that he never suggests us going on a couple's holiday to Spain or somewhere-it's always me who suggests-and I always get lukewarm responses (as I suspect Florida is the only holiday and place he wants to go on as he doesn't like beach holidays) so I've given up.

I just don't know if I'm BU expecting that a man in his mid-30s would be looking to settle down, move in and have children. He says he wants children and wants to be with me, but then seems surprised when I point out reality and complains of pressure.

I apologise for the essay-I just wanted to get it all out so I don't drip feed.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 04/03/2023 06:17

Why does he still live at home? Do they actually book the holiday this far in advance, what happens if their circumstances change so they couldn’t go and it wouldn’t be covered by travel insurance

Itsallok · 04/03/2023 06:18

Shoxfordian · 04/03/2023 06:10

He’s not acting like an adult or a partner to you op- he’s like a teenager still living at his parents house and going on family holidays- hope they buy him some Mickey Mouse ears in Disneyland. Stop all the ttc, don’t move in, you’re wasting your time here

Ok, I laughed vastly hard at that! I had vision of a 30-something holding each parents hand (for the poster who was concerned about my misogyny) skipping along with his Micky Mouse ears. So deeply sexy (not).

MissMarplesbag · 04/03/2023 06:24

Split up because you're both incompatible and don't inflict separated parents on any future children.

You would both benefit from therapy as you sound controlling and he seems like a 16 Yr old.

Donnashair · 04/03/2023 06:25

@clairelouwho i don’t want to sound cruel. But you are holding onto this man as you see him as your last chance to have a baby. The life he wants and is happy with, is not the same as what you want and would be happy with.

He is planning a holiday without when you, ideally, want to be pregnant or have had a baby. And you don’t want to be with someone who holidays without his partner and child.

You are sticking with him, even though you know (deep down) the relationship isn’t right. And it’s a bad idea to bring a child into that. You would be best cutting your losses now and finding someone you are compatible with

piedbeauty · 04/03/2023 06:28

He still lives at home in his 30s and prefers to go on holiday with his family. That's what he wants to do. If he wanted to live with you or go on holiday with you, he would.

Time for you to decide what you want too.

Jimboscott0115 · 04/03/2023 06:29

Can I be really blunt OP?

The holiday isn't the issue here at all and anything to do with 2025 impacting TTC from now is just a bit silly.

The issue is what about your relationship even makes you think TTC is going to happen with this guy? He's mid 30s, lives with his parents and won't commit to anything with you (holidays, moving in etc) and who's idea of a great holiday is going away with his mum and dad - what makes you think he'd want kids? His actions certainly don't.

Think about my description above and what you'd think of him if it was someone else posting about him, or a work colleague talking about him. You wouldn't encourage them to try and have a kid with this bloke would you?

LlynTegid · 04/03/2023 06:30

From what you describe you seem to have differences in your outlook that would make me question the relationship in your shoes. It is not a crime to be single.

A holiday with family is not per se a bad thing, especially if it is with some who might not be able enough to travel in a few years time, but this does not seem the case from what you describe.

MavisMcMinty · 04/03/2023 06:31

“Late 2025” - that’s the best part of 3 years away, OP. Plenty of time for you to save up and go with them, plenty of time to TTC, have a baby, take it with you or stay at home on your own for 2 weeks to look after it.

As you know, leaving TTC until you’re 39 will probably make it harder/less likely, so I can see no good reason why you’d have to wait until after this holiday, it seems a very extreme response.

FaceLikeASlappedArse1985 · 04/03/2023 06:34

If you can’t afford one fortnight in Florida, how do you think you’ll be able to afford to support a child for at least 18 years?

Toddlerteaplease · 04/03/2023 06:37

OnaBegonia · 04/03/2023 01:26

I think you're flogging a dead horse here, ttc and no plans to live together? get rid and don't waste anymore of your precious time with this so called man.

I agree. He still lives with his parents. You've never lived together. This is not a great idea. If he was mid 20's I could understand it. But he's mid 30's.

Bedofroses2 · 04/03/2023 06:56

I don't think a family holiday should or would have any bearing on whether you have a child.
You are using the holiday to get him to make a decision about something tangible, from which you can infer he doesn't want to have kids, because he won't come out and tell you he doesn't want a baby with you. If he won't even enter into a conversation about babies, there is little to no chance you would be pregnant or having a baby with him by then anyway. It doesn't seem like he's ready to move out of his parents' house either. The holiday is neither here nor there.
Dump him and find someone who does want a family with you

Truthseeker456 · 04/03/2023 06:59

Sorry but you need to get a grip. He is allowed to holiday with his family. Minimal impact in ttc.

Lcb123 · 04/03/2023 07:06

I think you need to set this holiday aside and actually discuss your long term future. TTC and the holiday are a bit irrelevant really in the bigger picture. Why would it matter if you were pregnant or had a baby you could take it with you. Or he can go alone with his family. Planning a holiday for 2 years away is mad to me.

furryfrontbottom · 04/03/2023 07:06

The holiday is a red herring. The problem is that he does not want to have a child with you and you need to decide which you want most-him or a child.

Joeylove88 · 04/03/2023 07:12

clairelouwho · 04/03/2023 02:31

Thank you all for your responses.

It's definitely not just the holiday-I think that's just the trigger point that has raised some questions for me regarding his priorities.

I am actually happy for him to go on holiday with his family. He went last year in May to Florida with his family and I was perfectly happy for that, just as I expect that he would be happy if I did the same. This isn't about being ridiculously controlling-because I'm not.

It's more about the fact that I feel that it highlights a disparity between our priorities. If he was making plans to move in with me and TTC, given my narrowing window of opportunity, I'd be happy for him to make plans to go on holiday alongside that. It's the fact that he digs his heels in and either refuses to talk about it-he often skirts around the issue and then complains that he feels uncomfortable talking about babies and stuff. Or, he complains about pressure and us not being ready-which he conveniently ignores the fact that I'm trying to develop a plan for us to be ready.

I do worry that going on such an expensive holiday will naturally put a hold on things for us. We're not loaded, by any means and if he were to move in, his ability to afford the holiday would diminish unless I subsidised it by paying more towards the bills. Naturally that would impact or could impact a financial ability/desire to afford a child as well.

He is definitely clearly not wanting to commit to actually doing all of the things you have spoken about. Take it from someone who was in the same situation that it just gets worse as time goes on and the only way to stop it is to decide to do better for yourself and realise it's no longer worth forcing a relationship especially when it comes to something as important as having children. If that is truly your dream then please don't waste any more time in this relationship otherwise you may look back one day with pain and regret when it's too late!

Poppyblush · 04/03/2023 07:14

He’s just not into you that much. He’s happy with life now and doesn't want to be changing it. What you want and what he wants are two very different things.

MumOf2workOptions · 04/03/2023 07:15

@clairelouwho
If he wanted to live with you and commit he would be doing and it sounds like he's not at the same stage as you
You've known him 20 years been together 2 years and you aren't even living together
I'd just ask him outright what he wants and if he won't commit to you get rid and don't waste any more of your childbearing years in this man child.

notthisagainforest · 04/03/2023 07:19

I think your plans are different to his. Does he even want to move in and why do you want someone who's not got their own place by late 30s. His not really grown up has he ? Would he even handle parenthood ?

SallyWD · 04/03/2023 07:22

I find this all a bit odd. I personally would have absolutely no problem with my DH going away with family. As long as I wasn't giving birth that week or shortly before it would be fine. I actually encourage my DH to go away with his family without me sometimes because I see a lot of them and just like to be alone sometimes.
I think the holiday is irrelevant, I really do. The issue is that you're mid 30s, wanting a baby yet living apart. He's telling you he's not ready and doesn't know if or when he will be. THAT'S the issue! Stop focusing on the holiday which is neither here nor there. He needs to be honest about his intentions for the future otherwise you're wasting your last few years of fertility on him.

Hbh17 · 04/03/2023 07:30

You seem very hung up on moving in and having a baby. It might come across as quite smothering if your partner just wants a more relaxed life without all these major plans. It would be perfectly possible for him to go on the holiday, even of you had a child by then. But you seem to be more interested in the potential baby than you are in him.

Teeturtle · 04/03/2023 07:30

The holiday is not the issue here, it shouldn’t really be the thread title. It makes no sense to say you can’t TTC until 2025 because of a planned holiday.

You shouldn’t TTC with this man though, because you aren’t living together, you seem to have forgotten the marriage step and he simply isn’t interested.

You still have time to meet somebody else, get married and start a family, so long as you don’t waste much more time on this man.

greenfingers39 · 04/03/2023 07:31

You're volunteering to take on a manchild directly from his mummy. This, I have learned, is a huge mistake. I'd never live with someone that's never lived independently again. Match that with his clear lack of prioritization around breaking away from them to start his own life... it's a no from me. Fine going on hols with them once he's settled down but this just indicated he's no intention to. He'll maybe move in and have a baby, but then want to resume business as usual with his new 'mummy'. No thank you.

autienotnaughty · 04/03/2023 07:31

Going on holiday shouldn't be a problem but The holiday is potentially an issue from a financial perspective if you don't have the spare cash. I remember when my dh and I had been together a year or so he was getting a new car and was considering a brand new 50k car on ten year payment plan. I was 30 at the time. I pointed out that if we stayed together we would be getting married and having kids in that time frame. He got a 10k car instead, I didn't pressure him i just pointed out the long term effects of his decision.

Your partner isn't ready to settle down, he's also not ready to plan to settle down currently. You need to decide if you are ok with that. If you are not then it would be better to move on.

rookiemere · 04/03/2023 07:32

He doesn't see the relationship the same way you do unfortunately.

Most men know that if they are starting a relationship with a mid thirties woman the timelines have to be compressed if DCs are being discussed. DH talked about it quite soon into our relationship.

Unfortunately your BF doesn't see or understand the time pressure. TBH I would back off at this point. Tell him if he wants to move in with you then he needs to be showing some signs of wanting it.

Instead he's Peter Pan the perennial adult DC, still going on trips to Disney with his DPs.

Bloopsie · 04/03/2023 07:36

Hbh17 · 04/03/2023 07:30

You seem very hung up on moving in and having a baby. It might come across as quite smothering if your partner just wants a more relaxed life without all these major plans. It would be perfectly possible for him to go on the holiday, even of you had a child by then. But you seem to be more interested in the potential baby than you are in him.

Who could blame her, she will be 39 in few years and all her bf plans for for is a Disneyland trip from his mums basement lol. I think it would send any woman into panic mode who is 34+

Swipe left for the next trending thread