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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not want my bf to go on holiday

157 replies

clairelouwho · 04/03/2023 01:04

For context to not drip-feed: We've been together nearly 2 years, but known each other for over 20 years as friends. We're both in our mid-30s. I live alone in my own home, and he still lives at home with his parents. He regularly has family holidays to Florida with his parents, sister, brother and brother's fiancé. The last holiday was May 2022.

Yesterday, I found out that they're planning a trip in late 2025. It's assumed, I think, by his family that DP will be going. It was mentioned if I would also be going, but due to living alone and CoL, it's unlikely I'd ever be able to afford to go there as it's pricey (especially where they want to stay).

It resulted in a massive argument. I've been talking to him for a number of months now about progressing in our relationship i.e. him moving in, trying to conceive, marriage, etc. I mentioned to him that I felt that plans for him to go on holiday would put a block on us TTC and mean that we wouldn't be able to until after the holiday, by which time, I'll be close to 39.

He has said he's conflicted and feels pulled in multiple directions. It's clear to me that he wants to go and is waiting for the green light from me to go ahead and do it. I feel stuck. Trapped. If I say no, that I'd rather he didn't and focused on moving in with me and building our family/life together, I'm a controlling bitch and that's not what I want to be. If we were in our mid-20s, I'd tell him to book up and enjoy himself.

If I say, go ahead, I run the risk of missing out on what I want because he won't want to TTC before he's been on his holiday. When I've tried to explain this to DP, all I get is, "We're not ready for baby," which I know, right this second, we aren't, but I was hoping we'd be taking steps towards getting ready not looking at things that are going to definitely delay it.

I've got a real fear that if I hold off much longer, I'm never going to be able to have a child of my own and whilst I'd be okay with that if I knew I'd done everything that I could to try-including TTC as soon as possible to give best possible chance-I want to do everything that I can. I was really hoping we could have been moving in together-but if he's busy planning expensive holidays, I worry his head is in a different place entirely.

I just don't feel like he views us as a couple who make joint decisions and considers me in his decisions. Perhaps it's made worse by the fact that he never suggests us going on a couple's holiday to Spain or somewhere-it's always me who suggests-and I always get lukewarm responses (as I suspect Florida is the only holiday and place he wants to go on as he doesn't like beach holidays) so I've given up.

I just don't know if I'm BU expecting that a man in his mid-30s would be looking to settle down, move in and have children. He says he wants children and wants to be with me, but then seems surprised when I point out reality and complains of pressure.

I apologise for the essay-I just wanted to get it all out so I don't drip feed.

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 04/03/2023 07:55

I think I worry that it'll influence how much he wants to bother with progressing us and building a family with me.

Im sorry to say I think you’ve got this the wrong way round, OP. Its not the holiday that would hold him back from progressing the relationship with you. It’s evidence of the fact that he isn’t taking things seriously or ready to move to the next stage or thinking about a long term future.

I know it’s hard but you need to separate your dream to have a baby from this guy, who is clearly immature and working to his own timeline. The sad thing is, he may well be ready to settle down in ten years time and have a baby with a younger woman. I think you need to have a serious talk with him about where the relationship is going because it sounds like you want different things.

Zofloraqueen27 · 04/03/2023 08:02

I do really mean this kindly but why on earth are you even thinking of having a baby with a man who clearly does not want to even live with you? IF he wanted to be with you and live in your home he would do it. Do you really want your child to have a father like this?

Itsallok · 04/03/2023 08:05

I think the OP has run for the hills - from this thread not the boyfriend. Unfortunately. The truth can be an uncomfortable. OP, wherever you are, you are worth more than this.

follyfoot37 · 04/03/2023 08:07

You come across as desperately wanting a baby, not necessarily a father to go with it.
2025 for the holiday? If you move in together in the next 6 months you have several months of 2023, and all of 2024 to concive. And so what if you are pregnant or you've actually got your baby when he goes on holiday? You will have what you want, and remember thousands of women everyday cope with being pregnant/mother without a partner

ChubbyMorticia · 04/03/2023 08:07

You’re incompatible. You want a child, he wants to continue to live as one.

KatherineJaneway · 04/03/2023 08:09

Sorry OP, but what you want and what he wants is not compatible.

You want a baby, he doesn't. You want him to move in and create a family, he already has this at home with his parents and they are clearly his priority. If you want a child, it will not be with him.

drpet49 · 04/03/2023 08:09

musingsinmidlife · 04/03/2023 02:37

Seems you mostly see him as a baby daddy. He is your ticket to motherhood.

I am not sure you like him or actually want to be with him. Your focus is on how he needs to live his life in a way where he is there to create the child you want when you want.

Yes this is the impression I get too.

Thatenough · 04/03/2023 08:11

A 35yr old man (mid 30s) still living at home with his parents is a red flag. Especially when he has a girlfriend of 2yrs who wants to live together. You've been talking about it for months and getting nowhere.

If this was a guy who had been living at home and now has a huge fat deposit for a house and was looking at getting on the property market - different, but doesn't sound like this is the case?

A mid 30s woman who has that much of an issue with their bf booking a holiday 2 yrs away because of 'just incase' and 'what if' while obsessing about TTC and trying to control and plan the next 5yrs - is also a red flag. You are putting on too much pressure.

Ultimately why are you taking yourself off the daring market for this man child?

Leave the relationship and work on yourself.

Thatenough · 04/03/2023 08:11

Dating* market

Blanca87 · 04/03/2023 08:13

Sorry but I couldn’t shag a grown man that goes on holiday to Florida with his mum and dad never mind concede having children with him.

passionpackaged · 04/03/2023 08:14

@clairelouwho You are answering all your own questions. You and he have different priorities, and given your age, I wouldn't waste a single minute more on this one. End it, and find someone who's a decent person and who actually wants to get married and have children. You don't have to be madly in love with them - just heading in the same direction.

The fact that he's still living with his parents in his 30s is a massive red flag on its own.

Prinnny · 04/03/2023 08:16

Oh, and don’t be shocked if he gets into a new relationship and is married with a baby on the way pretty quickly. His type often do that

This! He’s just not arsed about you. Get rid and give yourself a chance with someone else, he’s not your one.

Pansypotter123 · 04/03/2023 08:17

Can you afford a baby on your own, as this is the reality if you do conceive with him.

Do you own/mortgage your house or is it rented?

FarmGirl78 · 04/03/2023 08:20

Is there a reason you aren't living together yet?

I'd be exploring that question before I was discussing TTC.

Poscapen · 04/03/2023 08:28

I think he's very happy with his life as it is now and not ready to make commitments. That's fine, it's his choice.
Of course he can go on holiday with his family in 2025! If you were married, had shared finances then maybe it would be different and you should both be able to go, but you aren't, you don't even live together.
I think you should stop thinking about rushing to conceive and first consider, if you're not particularly well off, how you would manage if you end up a single parent. That's what will happen if you push on with TTC with someone who really isn't ready for that. How unfair on the child?
Bearing in mind all the threads here where women who had children with partners and are now facing the fact that they are splitting and have no security - wouldn't it be an idea to get married before getting pregnant? It doesn't have to cost the earth and is the two of you making a real commitment to each other. I think he wouldn't want to do that and at that point you should stop planning a baby and decide whether this is the right man for you.

Testina · 04/03/2023 08:29

“Or, he complains about pressure and us not being ready-which he conveniently ignores the fact that I'm trying to develop a plan for us to be ready.”

How does one “plan” to be ready?

You’re mid 30s, been together 2 years but have been friends for 20.
I’d say that’s enough time to know whether you want to live with someone.
He prefers his life with his parents than living with you.
Whether that’s purely finances or freedom too, who knows?
But I’d cut him off for that.
I’d understand not being sure about having a baby after 2 years - and that sucks for your age, but that’s not his fault.
But at this point not even wanting to live together?
Nope. Fuck that.

Florida is a red herring. You could be saving hard as a couple now, even with plans to take your toddler in late 2025. That’s how far away it is.

Womblemumma · 04/03/2023 08:32

This guy is a man child that still wants to live with mummy. End this, move on - let’s be honest the holiday is just a token issue in this scenario.

VanillaSox · 04/03/2023 08:32

Agree that the holiday isn't the issue re but it throws into stark relief that her v will l plan ahead for a holiday (who plans holidays 2 years a head except old people going on cruises? ) but he didn't want to have a baby -his life is fine as it is. Please dont have a baby with him without being married.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/03/2023 08:35

He has two mothers doesn't he? He sounds incredibly immature. Why on earth
would you want a baby with a man who still lives with his mum?

MzHz · 04/03/2023 08:38

I agree with @Jadviga ”Honestly, it sounds like he doesn't actually want kids (or at least not with you) but he's stringing you along because he doesn't want to be single.”

he isn’t into you or being an adult in any way.

now @clairelouwho i know for a fact that he’s not the only bloke out there, you’re settling for this man child reject and you know he’s really not all that. He IS NOT THE ONE. You’re not even The One for him! This is car crash about to happen. DO NOT SADDLE YOURSELF WITH THIS IDIOT FOR LIFE.

let him go asap, get him gone and find someone else. You still have time. You really do, but you’d be an idiot to stay with him. He won’t ever change and you won’t ever be happy.

JMSA · 04/03/2023 08:38

You're being really needy and unreasonable. Sounds like you only want him for baby-making too!
And it's your choice not to join them on the holiday.
It has only been 2 years - give the guy a break.

Daisybee6 · 04/03/2023 08:50

complains that he feels uncomfortable talking about babies and stuff

He doesn't want children with you op. If he can't even talk about it, it's not going to happen.

Thoughtful2355 · 04/03/2023 08:50

Im sorry but you sound batshit, even if you have a child he can still go on holiday with his family, in fact why dont you all go when the time comes if you can.

Im sure you will be able to care for a child by yourself IF you have one and if you dont think you can then i wouldnt be having one as most relationships end after having children and most men are useless dads and partners when children are involved.

Ponoka7 · 04/03/2023 08:51

JMSA · 04/03/2023 08:38

You're being really needy and unreasonable. Sounds like you only want him for baby-making too!
And it's your choice not to join them on the holiday.
It has only been 2 years - give the guy a break.

Wanting to know were you stand isn't being needy.

""It's the fact that he digs his heels in and either refuses to talk about it-he often skirts around the issue and then complains that he feels uncomfortable talking about babies and stuff. Or, he complains about pressure and us not being ready-which he conveniently ignores the fact that I'm trying to develop a plan for us to be ready.""

He doesn't want to stop shagging you and having an escape places away from the family home. He doesn't want the future that you want. Finish it, don't waste anymore years with him. You'll be in your 40's and he'll be off with someone who he does want a life with.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/03/2023 08:55

You have different priorities for the future and he would be a terrible father. Don’t inflict him upon a child.

Dump him and look into other options.
If you stay with him I predict that you will never have a child as he will continue to mess you around until it’s too late