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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want my bf to go on holiday

157 replies

clairelouwho · 04/03/2023 01:04

For context to not drip-feed: We've been together nearly 2 years, but known each other for over 20 years as friends. We're both in our mid-30s. I live alone in my own home, and he still lives at home with his parents. He regularly has family holidays to Florida with his parents, sister, brother and brother's fiancé. The last holiday was May 2022.

Yesterday, I found out that they're planning a trip in late 2025. It's assumed, I think, by his family that DP will be going. It was mentioned if I would also be going, but due to living alone and CoL, it's unlikely I'd ever be able to afford to go there as it's pricey (especially where they want to stay).

It resulted in a massive argument. I've been talking to him for a number of months now about progressing in our relationship i.e. him moving in, trying to conceive, marriage, etc. I mentioned to him that I felt that plans for him to go on holiday would put a block on us TTC and mean that we wouldn't be able to until after the holiday, by which time, I'll be close to 39.

He has said he's conflicted and feels pulled in multiple directions. It's clear to me that he wants to go and is waiting for the green light from me to go ahead and do it. I feel stuck. Trapped. If I say no, that I'd rather he didn't and focused on moving in with me and building our family/life together, I'm a controlling bitch and that's not what I want to be. If we were in our mid-20s, I'd tell him to book up and enjoy himself.

If I say, go ahead, I run the risk of missing out on what I want because he won't want to TTC before he's been on his holiday. When I've tried to explain this to DP, all I get is, "We're not ready for baby," which I know, right this second, we aren't, but I was hoping we'd be taking steps towards getting ready not looking at things that are going to definitely delay it.

I've got a real fear that if I hold off much longer, I'm never going to be able to have a child of my own and whilst I'd be okay with that if I knew I'd done everything that I could to try-including TTC as soon as possible to give best possible chance-I want to do everything that I can. I was really hoping we could have been moving in together-but if he's busy planning expensive holidays, I worry his head is in a different place entirely.

I just don't feel like he views us as a couple who make joint decisions and considers me in his decisions. Perhaps it's made worse by the fact that he never suggests us going on a couple's holiday to Spain or somewhere-it's always me who suggests-and I always get lukewarm responses (as I suspect Florida is the only holiday and place he wants to go on as he doesn't like beach holidays) so I've given up.

I just don't know if I'm BU expecting that a man in his mid-30s would be looking to settle down, move in and have children. He says he wants children and wants to be with me, but then seems surprised when I point out reality and complains of pressure.

I apologise for the essay-I just wanted to get it all out so I don't drip feed.

OP posts:

Emmamoo89 · 04/03/2023 08:56

Yabu

aSofaNearYou · 04/03/2023 08:58

This is a bit of a strange one and I think you are both being a bit unreasonable.

I think your attitude about the holiday is odd. Even if it would be too expensive if he was living with you and paying rent, he'd have already paid for it so that shouldn't matter, unless you're saying you want to move in with him right now and he's choosing the holiday instead. And it shouldn't make the slightest bit of difference to TTC, I think it's odd that your mind would jump to thinking you need to delay having children for years because he's going on one holiday. It almost makes it sound like you're procrastinating as much as he is, or at least over planning. There won't be a perfect time to have a child and if the only block is one holiday which could be nowhere close to a birth, then you're doing fine.

That aside, you paint a picture of him generally dragging his feet and for that I don't think you're being unreasonable. At his age I'd be wanting to get a move on, and you don't have years to waste. I would nail down a concrete plan with him, and if it feels like you're having to nag him into making a life with you, just ditch him.

Allshallbewell2021 · 04/03/2023 08:59

OP you have my real sympathy; it feels very scary when you want to start a family and are feeling that panic of the pressure of time.
I think some partners go from where he is to being a loving and supportive dad but also he is still being parented quite a bit it seems. It is hard to know someone's parenting potential until you have seen them living independently. Starting a family can be really rugged financially, physically, psychologically - it would be good to know that he has flown the nest so that you've seen how robust he is.
I wonder if that is unkind of me? But you don't want to have kids with someone isn't up for it and up to it if you can avoid it. The holiday seems to be symbolic of his not having become independent.

N27 · 04/03/2023 09:02

I don’t think he’s the partner you want him to be. If he can’t even talk about babies, then he’s definitely not ready for having one. And as a couple I would say you’re definitely both not ready to consider until you’ve lived with each other for a good 6 months at least. He’s lived at home all his life, I doubt he’ll skip the independent part and go straight to being a great dad. You’ll end up with a baby and a man child until he goes running home to his parents because it’s all too hard and he’s not allowed on fancy holidays anymore!

as it stands now regarding the specific holiday issue…you are living seperate lives with seperate finances so it’s his money and his decision.

all the other stuff….I think you need to run a mile

HeadacheEarthquake · 04/03/2023 09:02

This is mental.

Save up to go with them?

If he has no outgoings he could pay for you?

Have a baby before then?

Why hasn't he moved in with you, saving you money and making it much easier to, you know, DTD and conceive?

Why does you having a kid stop him going on holiday?

This sounds more difficult than it needs to be.

Original poster

clairelouwho · 04/03/2023 09:09

Thank you all for your responses and taking the time to respond. I've just been trying to catch up.

I don't just view him as a "baby maker" and not remotely sure where that has come from. It's unreasonable to expect a person to post every single aspect of their relationship. However, children are a key component of what I want from life-and as such, I don't think it's unreasonable to put it as a priority, especially at my age.

We get along brilliantly outside of all of this. We share very similar personalities-and interests and by and large, we rarely argue with each other. I just kind of wish we'd come together when we were younger, so that we had the time to simply enjoy each other as a couple first and do all the things like the big Florida holiday, and experience that before settling down and having kids. It just hasn't panned out like that. I love him completely and that's why it hurts to think that we simply may not work out.

I could afford to go on holiday with them, if we economised a little-but it's not the main priority for me at the moment. I do get that if we did TTC and have a baby/I was pregnant-so long as I wasn't ready to drop when he went-he could still go on the holiday and thinking about it a little more in depth, that would be fine and it'd be more working out the logistics should that situation occur.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 04/03/2023 09:09

You are massively wasting your time with this one. He is so clearly not that into you, or even interested in being an actual adult for that matter. If you want marriage and a family, you should be running for the hills.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/03/2023 09:09

If I say, go ahead, I run the risk of missing out on what I want because he won't want to TTC before he's been on his holiday

Oh OP. It wasn't necessary to read beyond this to see what you Future Faker's up to.

So your b/f, who still lives at home, is prioritising an expensive family holiday which you cannot afford to attend, over moving in with you & getting married.

It's so important to him that he wants you to wait until 2025 & you are 39 before he will TTC.

He won't even commit to going on a basic holiday with you.
He'd rather live with mummy & daddy than you, he'd rather holiday with them than you, & if you wait until 2025, he will concoct another excuse not to move in with you. He does not want to get married & he does not want a baby.

Florida is a perfect excuse (he reckons) because OBVIOUSLY planning a fortnight abroad in 2025 means that he cannot possibly cohabit, marry, or start TTC ...
Can you not see how thin his reasoning is?

He is going to carry on living at his mum's.
It's horrible for you to have invested so much love & hope, but his excuse not to progress the relationship one jot is bloody ludicrous.
I would ditch him for the dishonesty alone.

YukoandHiro · 04/03/2023 09:11

One piece of advice (which I mainly give out related to women's careers): never make plans based on an as-yet unconceived baby.

Tiga2 · 04/03/2023 09:13

ChubbyMorticia · 04/03/2023 08:07

You’re incompatible. You want a child, he wants to continue to live as one.

🤣

YukoandHiro · 04/03/2023 09:14

Also: if you're in your mid 30s and been together for two years and you already have a place of your own, why hasn't he moved in? Either 1) you're reluctant for some reason to ask him (why is that? Ask yourself...) or b) you have asked him and he's said no or is delaying. Which given that he lives at home simply means he isn't serious about you.
Either way I wouldn't TTC until both of you have committed to the relationship. Seems like maybe neither of you have at the mo.

bamboonights · 04/03/2023 09:15

Your maturity levels seem to be way off. You are mature and ready, he's not. He wouldn't be the first man to feel awkward discussing children - can't say my husband and I did much, it was just a foregone conclusion once we were married that we had kids.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/03/2023 09:17

If he was making plans to move in with me and TTC, given my narrowing window of opportunity, I'd be happy for him to make plans to go on holiday alongside that. It's the fact that he digs his heels in and either refuses to talk about it-he often skirts around the issue and then complains that he feels uncomfortable talking about babies and stuff.

OP, why are you flogging this dead horse?
HE DOES NOT WANT A BABY.
He doesn't even want to cut his mummy's apron strings.
Chuck him back. He'll still be living at home in a decade, & your life will have moved on without his Future-Faking arse dragging you down.

ApricotLime · 04/03/2023 09:19

Has he never lived away from home? I'd be worried that even if you did have a baby he'd be running home to mum and dad if the baby was waking him up at night etc.

passionpackaged · 04/03/2023 09:23

@clairelouwho I was thinking about this again. If he really did want to marry you and have children with you, you would know about it. I really wouldn't waste any more time on giving him deadlines etc, as he will just dawdle along and you will end up having wasted even more time.

Targetted · 04/03/2023 09:24

All I'd say is don't pin your hopes of being a mother on him. That's not what he's planning, whether he goes on the holiday or not.

Daffodilsandbeer · 04/03/2023 09:24

Wtf? You will agree to tentatively go if he commits to having. Child with you? Bloody hell.

the two issues are separate. You cannot force this man to have a child with you when he doesn’t feel he’s in that place yet, and of course he can go in holiday with his family, what’s wrong with you you’d even consider otherwise

KettrickenSmiled · 04/03/2023 09:27

I've considered telling him that we can provisionally book up to go on the holiday, so long as we're taking the steps we need to build a family alongside that and then let the chips fall where they may. If he agrees to doing that and moving in and TTC, and I do get pregnant/have a young child I could either cancel my side of the holiday and remain at home with child or take the child with us.
But you said you couldn't afford to both save for a baby AND go to Florida.
So you are planning to haul him into cohabitation, & as you mentioed upthread, pay the lion's share of living costs so that he can still go on his family holiday?

I think the holiday is definitely a red herring though-I've just worked out what I think would be a suitable and reasonable compromise-it's the fact that he doesn't want to move in the direction that I want us to as a couple. The fact that he struggles to discuss what I think are reasonable topics at our age to talk about-tells me everything.
Of course it's a red herring.
After the holiday, it will be that he can't possibly do what you want until he's ... been to cookery school, or bought some new blue suede shoes, or been to Florida with his parents in 2027 ...

I've made the decision to have a good sit down conversation and be prepared to face the cold, hard truth if we can't reach an agreement that suits both of us. Maybe it's simply a case of we both want different things or maybe same things, different times and there's no compromise. I'm going to try and get a discussion going, set some realistic time frames and see what he says. If he can agree to moving in within 6 months, and trying to conceive within x time, I do think we have a shot. I just don't see it happening at this stage if he's not even capable of discussing it.
The problem with this is you already know he makes the right noises to shut you up - & then does nothing to move your relationship any further forward.
At this point, you have become so invested that you are almost railroading him into the cohabitation/marriage/TTC route.
Stop & ask yourself why.
You're not even expecting him to pay 50% of your living costs, he's never lived away from home, he will be resentful & quite probably domestically useless, & the entire dynamic will be you becoming his new mummy.

Why not cut your losses, & find an adult to conceive with?
I know it must be hard to read, but you are setting yourself up for misery with this reluctant man.

TiredandLate · 04/03/2023 09:29

Stop stop stop. This man is clearly telling you who he is- a child. He still lives with mummy and daddy and goes on holiday only with mummy and daddy. He is not ready to move in and be a father to your child. He's a million miles away from being that person. Cut your losses. You'll be back on here in a few years complaining that he spends half the week at his mums avoiding real life and being a parent.

gannett · 04/03/2023 09:55

TiredandLate · 04/03/2023 09:29

The amount of sneery "mummy and daddy" comments are quite something. He's also going on holiday with his brother, brother's fiance and sister so it's clearly an extended family holiday. Yet MN hates men who are close to their mothers so much that we still get horribly unfunny jokes about being taken to Disneyworld.

And we don't know why he still lives with his parents. They have a massive house and he can live a separate life? He's saving up for a deposit? He has caring responsibilities? We have no information yet the pathetic sneers keep coming.

As someone who's NC with my family, I'd love to have parents who I liked enough to go on holiday with in my 30s.

All that's an aside though and OP has worked it out for herself:

LAMPS1 · 04/03/2023 09:57

I think you already know you are flogging a dead horse with him.

He still lives with his parents …his excuse is presumably, to save money. But that saved money doesn’t help you save for a baby as a couple, it only helps him save as a single man to go on expensive holidays.
If he lived with you, he would be no worse off financially but it would help you with your baby planning instead of helping him and his parents with their Florida planning.
He won’t make that commitment or even say when he might be ready to make that commitment because he just doesn’t want to do it. If he did, after two years he would have already moved in.
He is mid 30’s but point blank refuses to even discuss baby stuff as it makes him uncomfortable.
With Florida dangling in front of him, he simply doesn’t care about your narrowing window of hope and even when you keep on pointing it out to him, he still doesn’t care.
He wants Florida. He doesn’t want a baby. He’s still a baby himself.
He isn’t brave enough to say …no! I don’t want to move in with you or make family plans with you ..because he risks losing having it both ways. He knows he’s on to a good thing as long as you stop hassling him.
Don't waste your fertile years on him.

PS. Maybe you get along and don’t argue because you aren’t even living together.

Freddiefox · 04/03/2023 10:02

He’s allowed to go on book day with his family without being sneered at or belittled. You have been included in the holiday you are choosing not to go, and that’s fine too. You’ve mentioned that cost, but have you had an open and honest talk about finances with him and whether as a couple you can pool money so you can both go?

However you are both at different stages in life and really you both need to recognise that you are incompatible.

TiredandLate · 04/03/2023 10:02

@gannett if the OP drip feeds that he is caring for his disabled parents I'll take back my comment.

I don't have an issue with family holidays, if you read the other posts he won't go on holiday with OP, it's Florida with family (without OP) or nothing.

Yes I find it weird and childish, you disagree and that's fine.

Whataretheodds · 04/03/2023 10:05

He doesn't want the same things you want.

He doesn't want to go on holiday with you, he isn't trying to progress conversations about moving in together, he's not interested in talking about having kids. 20 years, 2 of which together.

He's not the one, OP. Throw him back.

Thatenough · 04/03/2023 10:09

It's a terrible plan OP, you're potentially going to waste another 6months. Then in 6months he'll say I'm not ready and then what? You've wasted 6 months and you'll be no further forward.

It's just not how it works. I've seen friends time and time again give ultimatums and deadlines and every single time have been left standing and faced with either issuing another 6months or leaving.

If you say to him, 'listen i probably was unreasonable about the holiday but ultimately it's because im tired of waiting around to start our life together and can only see that as a reflection of your feelings towards me - so I'm out' - he's got a choice then and there and you have an answer. I wouldn't issue an ultimatum I'd just say this relationship hasn't got legs.

He'll either be banging down your door in a couple of weeks ready to move in, or he'll bail on the relationship and say 'ok' but at least you'll know - and you can move on.

You're just dragging things out you way.

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