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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks he should come on my work trip

313 replies

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 20:32

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5.

I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June.

He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday.

My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too.

None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
Anniissa · 03/03/2023 23:06

I think it probably depends on your industry and what is generally expected. Sounds like in academia, travelling with your partner is fine (although im
not sure that is usually for such a long time) but other industries maybe not so much. I’ve travelled to Japan a lot and it’s been very full on with expectations you work very long hours and network in the evenings. Weekends also either working or networking. Also in Japan often it can be difficult to guarantee a double room rather than a twin so you need to be aware of that. In my experience, it’s very much ok to tack some time on at the end to spend time with a partner but very odd if they came along while you were there for work. That would make it very awkward for you and your colleagues!

HamBone · 03/03/2023 23:09

Ugh, I don’t like this possible jealousy of your career , that’s not healthy at all.

I still think that if you were able to add on some holiday to the end of your trip, it could be fun for him to join you for 10 days perhaps- just the holiday though.

If he’s new to his job, taking three weeks off so soon isn’t the best idea anyway.

toucaninjapan · 03/03/2023 23:11

No. I work in Japan and if the company knew an employee did this, they'd go wtf, it's really inappropriate.
I would expect to be invited to lots of after-hours drinks with your Japanese coworkers. They might also organize some sightseeing events for you on the weekends, so yeah, no place for DH there.
Anyways how did he imagine it, you're working for 5 days a week, potentially coming home around 10 p.m. or later after all the socializing, and he's having fun traveling around? Who's the unreasonable one here?🙄

Justanotherlurker · 03/03/2023 23:12

A lot of responses blows a hole in the partner/them earning 6 figure salary, what the Husband is wanting isn't unique nor uncommon, many partners have got to see the globe on the back of business trips. Someone getting a paid trip to japan /totally ignoring the fact they said they will be working 12 hours a day, this post is a larp, and if they did have some headquarters in Japan would be well aware of first/second visitors latching on.

MrsPinkCock · 03/03/2023 23:14

Im sorry, you’re working 72 HOURS A WEEK?!

gwrachod · 03/03/2023 23:15

I missed that he's not speaking to you. Fuck that!

He's behaving like a child, don't stoop to his level.

He needs to shape up quickly and support you in your career. If he can't do that, you need to have a think about if he's really on your side?

Woopzies · 03/03/2023 23:17

StClare101 · 03/03/2023 21:17

Why?

OP does your company travel policy even allow for extras in your room, sharing cabs with you etc? The Japanese culture is very different. You’ll be out all the time and never actually see your DH. Won’t your colleagues think it’s weird?

Show quote history

Because if my partner actively didn't want me somewhere, I'd be rather offended actually. The colleagues don't even have to know he's there - she'd be with him late evening and at no other point.

She's already there, he might as well go too and make a holiday out of whatever little time they can get together. And again, if my partner didn't want this - I'd be rather concerned their priorities weren't right.

Justanotherlurker · 03/03/2023 23:26

@toucaninjapan

No. I work in Japan and if the company knew an employee did this, they'd go wtf, it's really inappropriate.

As a counter, no they wouldn't, they would just not expect they where already there for drinks but after it all got flowing would welcome them all in drunken arms, why are some trying to imply on some cultural sensibility?

If you work for a multinational you expect someone to bring along a spouse for the first/second visit, and I will remind all the Japanese coming to the UK that it is weird how they brought along their wives, I am taking out a South Korean colleague tomorrow with her husband that is very high up in a Japanese company, can't wait to tell her the overall narrative is 'WTF' why is he here...

It is going to play havoc with the train of thought that I have to meet a man from India who is bringing his wife and children to see the UK

Justanotherlurker · 03/03/2023 23:34

MrsPinkCock · 03/03/2023 23:14

Im sorry, you’re working 72 HOURS A WEEK?!

No she won't, if she was working for a multinational based in Japan she would know that they don't impose those work hours onto UK staff, especially those that they would pay for all inclusive come and spend a week with us but don't bring along your partner type companies.

It isn't some vague anti asian rant, it is some muddled anti man rant that a lot of people have taken the bait on.

echt · 03/03/2023 23:36

It isn't some vague anti asian rant, it is some muddled anti man rant that a lot of people have taken the bait on

And how is this anti-man? Do tell.

Blossomtoes · 03/03/2023 23:38

The colleagues don't even have to know he's there

How does that work? Is he going to wear an invisibility cloak on the flight?

tempusername1234 · 03/03/2023 23:39

YANBU. As pp have said, in Japan your partner tagging along can be really frowned upon. They expect you to be dedicated to them / the company and not to think this is some kind of holiday. Accommodation is often also very small.

billy1966 · 03/03/2023 23:43

Absolutely not.

He's sulking, jealous and doesn't trust you.

Christ, what a prize🙄

Have a real hard think about the ass you married, before its too late.

Sugarfree23 · 03/03/2023 23:48

HamBone · 03/03/2023 21:06

I’d suggest he comes over during the final week and then you take a week-10 days’ holiday at the end to go sightseeing. Why wouldn’t you want to explore the country together?

That's exactly what I was thinking. Proper holiday together after the work trip.
Your company change your flight home and he pays his.

Who do you work for - I want a job that will pay me to visit Japan 😊

Bayleaf25 · 03/03/2023 23:48

Corcory · 03/03/2023 22:09

How about suggesting that he come out at the end and both of you have a week or so together as a proper holiday if you can get your flight changed to later.

Agree with this

theministerscat · 03/03/2023 23:51

God no. I went to a week long conference in New York a few years ago with a partner and it was a rubbish experience. I needed to be fully immersed in the event every day and then there were meals, drinks and evening social events at night. I got up early and got back late. All I wanted to do when I got back to the hotel was collapse and not interact with anyone. But he'd spent the day looking around New York on his own so when I got back at night, he wanted my company, which was completely understandable but I just didn't have anything left to give. Which made him sulky. So no one was happy. What we should have done was have him fly out for a few days at the end so we could have some post-conference holiday time together - that's what I would recommend for your Japan trip for sure!

MajorCarolDanvers · 03/03/2023 23:56

I'm going to the US on a work trip.

My DH is flying out at the end of my conference to join me and we will have a weeks holiday together.

Means we get a holiday where we only pay for his flights and the additional hotel nights.

CosyFanTucci · 03/03/2023 23:58

I would totally want to go because Japan is top of my travel wish list and I'm very happy doing my own thing all the time. But it would be totally unacceptable if he was expecting to tag along on work dinners etc. It would also be massively distracting for the OP to be trying to work while he's in holiday. And it's not really a cheap holiday: only one of you is having a holiday.

Appleblum · 04/03/2023 00:04

I think it's fine and a pretty common practice, isn't it?

I used to join my husband often on his business trips pre-kids if the location interested me. There was the understanding that I'd be on my own during the day and not to bother him and he'd join me for the occasional dinner if he was free. We may or may not extend the holiday after his work ends.

In your case your DH doesn't have to join you for the full 3 weeks. He could fly out later and explore the city on his own. You can extend your trip at the end if you'd also like to travel after that. IME unless your company books you in at those cheap business hotels aimed at single travellers, the rooms at 4/5/6 star hotels will all be able to accommodate 2 people.

Murdoch1949 · 04/03/2023 00:05

I think it would cause you a problem while on the trip, knowing that he was in the hotel, or out & about, while you were working with colleagues. Although he may say he'd leave you alone, really, for 3 weeks? You'd be totally committed to meals with clients & colleagues while he was eating alone etc, he's bound to get fed up and transmit that dissatisfaction to you. No matter what promises he'd make, it would fall apart when away. Get him to join you at the end of the work period for a week there together.

ZiriForEver · 04/03/2023 00:13

Nothing generally unprofessional or inappropriate, actually it is slightly encouraged for longer stays at my job. I did it and it worked well.

However, you don't want him to come, so that's it.

NC1234561 · 04/03/2023 00:19

No absolutely not, you won't be doing 8 - 8, you won't finish till at least 11pm each night as they'll insist you all have dinner together and they go on for ages! The weekends they'll have traditional activities set up for you, you will have no time for your DH.

SqueakyDinosaur · 04/03/2023 00:29

Madness. One of my best friends does a lot of business in Japan and it's always absolutely gruelling - not only back to back meetings, but breakfast lunch and dinner can all be business-oriented, and there can be some drinking at lunch and a LOT of drinking at and after dinner - it's part of the culture. He's due back tomorrow, I spoke to him yesterday and he is absolutely exhausted. And he LOVES Japan and has been there many times.

Catspyjamas17 · 04/03/2023 00:30

I just want to know how on earth people can stand spending three entire weeks with colleagues? Mine are lovely but for a meal or a few drinks of an evening.

Spending all day and then every evening with them for three weeks would drive me potty! I'd have to go and do my own thing in the evening, some evenings at least.

I haven't had that much time with DH since our honeymoon, I just think that's totally weird to have to spend so much time with people you work with.

Catspyjamas17 · 04/03/2023 00:32

SqueakyDinosaur · 04/03/2023 00:29

Madness. One of my best friends does a lot of business in Japan and it's always absolutely gruelling - not only back to back meetings, but breakfast lunch and dinner can all be business-oriented, and there can be some drinking at lunch and a LOT of drinking at and after dinner - it's part of the culture. He's due back tomorrow, I spoke to him yesterday and he is absolutely exhausted. And he LOVES Japan and has been there many times.

Bonkers. Would love to go to Japan but not on those terms. I'd be peopled out after a day of it.