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Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/03/2023 13:56

"God knows we all get carried away sometimes."

Really? We 'all' get carried? Maybe when it comes to something simple like having a 2nd piece of cake or impulsively buying an expensive item, but not when it comes to infidelity. That's in an entirely different class of behaviour and is inexcusable.

If someone has such a lack of self control that they 'get carried away' and cheat then perhaps they shouldn't be in a monogamous relationship in the first place.

Cheating is an absolute and conscious decision. No one cheats 'by accident' or 'because they got carried away'.

slowquickstep · 03/03/2023 13:56

Your decision but having been in your shoes i can only say you will never forget and it will sully every special moment and occasion.

Original poster
ch91566 · 03/03/2023 13:56

No, he hasn't said he won't cut contact but he would probably refuse if I asked. He has apologised and does seem remorseful but I'm unsure if he actually would be if I didn't know.

Her relationship (ironically) ended as her partner had also cheated

OP posts:
TallulahBetty · 03/03/2023 13:57

Accidentally? To quote Friends, what was he trying to put it in - her purse?

Bigmummaof2 · 03/03/2023 13:57

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 13:56

No, he hasn't said he won't cut contact but he would probably refuse if I asked. He has apologised and does seem remorseful but I'm unsure if he actually would be if I didn't know.

Her relationship (ironically) ended as her partner had also cheated

You shouldn’t even have to ask to cut her out. He should be on his knees begging you for forgiveness and cutting her out anyway!

whatadayforadaydream · 03/03/2023 13:57

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 12:44

She had always been in a relationship for as long as I've known DH, she got into her relationship just before me and DH met.

He was helping with her toddler as he wanted to be supportive and let friend have time on her own, I was a bit Hmm at the time as she has other friends/the dad/the dads family etc that could be doing that but I wasn't suspicious of DH, I just found it odd.

I'm unsure whether DH has feelings for her but he did say before they slept together she had admitted to fancying him in the past. I don't think he will cut contact as he has known her longer than me, but apparently they've both agreed it won't happen again and to pretend it never happened

Well, that's just not good enough is it? If you cheat on your wife with someone and want their forgiveness you need to be prepared to choose. At least that woul dbe the absolute minimum for me if I were to forgive. But I don't think I could.

You should very relaxed about all this I must say. Almost blaze.

VikingsandDragons · 03/03/2023 14:01

He wouldn't cut contact. If this is the case then values his relationship with her over the one with you. You should be nobody's second choice.

Growlybear83 · 03/03/2023 14:01

I'm really sorry you've been treated like this. There is no way I could ever forgive any kind of physical cheating, no matter what the circumstances. Could you ever have sex with him again without imagining him with the other woman?

tempusername1234 · 03/03/2023 14:03

Have to say - and remember this is up to you - that if you think he'll refuse to stop contact with the person he's already cheated with, then I'd be divorcing. Though I'd be divorcing anyway.

SinnerBoy · 03/03/2023 14:03

ch91566 · Today 13:56

No, he hasn't said he won't cut contact but he would probably refuse if I asked.

Well, there you go. He sets more store in his relationship with her, than he does with you. He's already cheated, a short time into your marriage. It's not as if you'd only known each other for a few weeks and he wasn't sure and decided to cut the other woman out, in favour of you.

He's untrustworthy and conniving, especially shown by the fact that he wants to keep in contact with her, after they've had sex. Behind your back. Despite her knowing you and full well that the pair of you are married. He's a damned sleaze, maybe trying to salve his conscience, but more likely, telling you before someone else did, confident that it'll blow over for him.

icefishing · 03/03/2023 14:04

If he won't cut contact after "accidentally" having sex with someone I can't see how your relationship is sustainable.
It would be the absolute minimum I would expect.

You are his wife and should be his No1 woman.

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/03/2023 14:05

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 13:56

No, he hasn't said he won't cut contact but he would probably refuse if I asked. He has apologised and does seem remorseful but I'm unsure if he actually would be if I didn't know.

Her relationship (ironically) ended as her partner had also cheated

Fact that he wants to retain with her contact speaks volumes. They both crossed a line and can’t be friends. They have had sex, and it’ll always be there between them. You’ll be aware of it too it’s caused heartache in your marriage

Prioritise yourself ,your son. Take time to think what do you want

Uhave2changethings · 03/03/2023 14:05

they've both agreed it won't happen again and to pretend it never happened

Well, that's very noble of them! Seriously, he values a continued relationship with her above his marriage and he's minimising. There's a chance if you break up he'll run straight to her door and maybe they'll become the couple he's always dreamed of. Or maybe, curiosity satisfied, they'll be back to being platonic friends and hope you'll just go along with it. Up to you but it's not great after only a year married and less than three years total.

Greatdomestic · 03/03/2023 14:06

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I'm also of the view that he told you for one of 2 reasons:

Someone else was going to tell you and he got in there first

Or to manipulate you to ending it, so he can get together with her.

I think people generally "confess" to progress their own agenda. It's not normally for the benefit of the person they are confessing to.

After only a year, it isn't great. If you were my friend I'd advise leaving. I don't think his heart is in your marriage. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do.

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 14:07

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 13:56

No, he hasn't said he won't cut contact but he would probably refuse if I asked. He has apologised and does seem remorseful but I'm unsure if he actually would be if I didn't know.

Her relationship (ironically) ended as her partner had also cheated

No but OP the point is you shouldn't even have to ask.

He should have said "I'm so sorry, I promise I'll never have anything to do with her again" when he confessed.

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 14:08

No, he hasn't said he won't cut contact but he would probably refuse if I asked.

You shouldn’t need to ask though!

He should on his knees begging you for forgiveness and swearing that he’ll never have anything to do with her again to prove that it will never happen again.

If you won’t ask because you know he’ll refuse to put you above her, then you already know how he sees you and you already have your answer.

Youwhatnowbiggles · 03/03/2023 14:09

Your decision obviously, however I think this early in your marriage you’re better off cutting your losses and moving on.

Rose424 · 03/03/2023 14:09

Only you know if you can forgive him, OP.

As for moving forward, he must cut contact with her. There's no way you should be expected to tolerate them playing at being friends and pretend it never happened.

Youwhatnowbiggles · 03/03/2023 14:09

and by that I mean move on ALONE!!

Crumpleton · 03/03/2023 14:09

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 13:56

No, he hasn't said he won't cut contact but he would probably refuse if I asked. He has apologised and does seem remorseful but I'm unsure if he actually would be if I didn't know.

Her relationship (ironically) ended as her partner had also cheated

I'd imagine he only told you inorder to off load the guilt and make himself feel better.
He'll be fine now you know.

Don't worry about your DH he'll continue doing as he pleases.

By you forgiving him it's possible he'll take it as you accepting it's going to continue and being OK with it.

UsernameNotAvailableNow · 03/03/2023 14:11

He is not a good influence on your son, and you should be working to protect him.

Where is your anger OP?

Eyerollcentral · 03/03/2023 14:13

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 13:56

No, he hasn't said he won't cut contact but he would probably refuse if I asked. He has apologised and does seem remorseful but I'm unsure if he actually would be if I didn't know.

Her relationship (ironically) ended as her partner had also cheated

I am struggling to understand why this wasn’t the second thing you said to him after you made it clear he has broken your trust. You seem extremely passive. He has probably only told you in case she told you first. You have no idea what kind of line he has been feeding her. For all you know he has been saying things aren’t working out with my wife, we should give it a go because I’ve always fancied you. What prompted this confession?

SinnerBoy · 03/03/2023 14:14

Greatdomestic · Today 14:06

I'm also of the view that he told you for one of 2 reasons: Or to manipulate you to ending it, so he can get together with her.

I hadn't thought of that, but it's a strong possibility.

If he won't cut ties with her, it's because they want to carry on having sex with each other. I guarantee that.

spuddel · 03/03/2023 14:14

Hell no! I would no way forgive that! And as for he won't cut contact, that surely tells you all you need to know? He's prioritising his 'friendship' with the woman he slept with over his new wife. Piece of shit.

Rose424 · 03/03/2023 14:15

OP is probably coming over as passive because of the shock and not knowing which way us up at the moment.