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Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
Carlycat · 03/03/2023 14:15

After a year's marriage. What a twat

BadNomad · 03/03/2023 14:17

There are also two children being messed around by this man.

Bookworm20 · 03/03/2023 14:18

OP, you seem so calm.

He has told you about it, not because he feels guilty, but because he has discovered there was a chance you might have found out. Perhaps she has told him she will tell you, so he got in first.
This whole scenario is about HIM.
And his line about 'he didn't mean it'. My god, I'd of seen red at that. What a pathetic line to trot out, he couldn't even be arsed to come up with an actual excuse for his shitty behaviour.

Most men manage to refrain from having sex with their friends. And honestly, the whole way he is going about this just makes me think, this is not the first time.

He expects you to just forgive him and carry on as normal?
He expects you to be fine with him still hanging out with her?
He expects not to give up either her or you? And if you asked he'd still see her?

That is showing zero remorse OP, he is absolutely not remorseful for what he did.
So he says he is sorry and it won't happen again. Is he actually for real? This guy should be begging your forgiveness for being a total cheating piece of shit. He should be - without being asked - immediately cutting this friend from his life.

So what if he has known her longer? You are HIS WIFE. You are not simply a 'newer' friend OP. He married you! You should trump everyone and everything in his life. Including his new little side piece.

80s · 03/03/2023 14:19

How did you feel about it when he told you, OP? How did he react to your feelings?

HowcanIhelp123 · 03/03/2023 14:22

It's a nope from me. I have seen before a similar circumstance. Female friend fancied male friend, clear to everyone else bar him. Her and her DH broke up, he was the person she turned to for help with kids etc, snowballed in her head how they were a perfect family unit etc and they would be her happily ever after. Tbh, she was emotionally manipulative and woe is me, getting drunk and fishing for compliments of how she felt no one was going to want her because she was 'used goods' etc, always around him. One night he drove her home when she was in that state and they had sex, fucking idiot. He had a wtf have I done moment, she immediately told him she was telling his wife so he had to fess up. Wife kicked him out, he was devastated and woman was delighted. Smile wiped off her face when he was clear he wanted nothing more to do with her though, she had an almighty tantrum about how there was nothing in their way now, he was devastated at the loss of his marriage and no longer living with his kids. He is still single, and I do believe for him it was a stupid mistake and it was only his existing relationship with her and the situation that led to the cheating (to be clear, not excusing him, still very much in the wrong).

In your situation, you've only been married a year, I'd cut your losses. If he was sorry he'd be on his knees grovelling and he'd have already cut contact with her. I'd tell him outright that if he was sorry he would have blocked and deleted her, because if you cheated on him with a male friend, he certainly wouldn't accept it if you continued being 'close friends' after. He has already chosen her over you.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 03/03/2023 14:23

Is this a big deal to you OP?

I ask because you don't seem especially hurt, shocked or upset in your posts but I appreciate that not everyone pours their heart out on here.

If it isn't, then forgive and move on with an understanding that it'll probably happen again.

If it is a big deal, you pretty much have to end it. It sounds like he'll end up with her in the long run anyways since the only thing stopping him from shagging her before was her partner. Your role in his life wasn't important enough.

Anyone can say they are sorry and appear to mean it. It's so, so easy. If he won't even cut her out of his life he is essentially choosing her over you anyways.

bananaAgogo · 03/03/2023 14:24

Yeah she is a long time friend, and he has hung around until she is single again.

What guy helps another women with the baby?

To be fair, he did this with you didn't he. It looks like his modus operandi doesn't it? Lone woman with baby. Check
No daddy around. Check
Has somewhere to live. Check

It's a perfect scenario for him, all the benefits with no ties really

NowAAT · 03/03/2023 14:25

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 03/03/2023 14:23

Is this a big deal to you OP?

I ask because you don't seem especially hurt, shocked or upset in your posts but I appreciate that not everyone pours their heart out on here.

If it isn't, then forgive and move on with an understanding that it'll probably happen again.

If it is a big deal, you pretty much have to end it. It sounds like he'll end up with her in the long run anyways since the only thing stopping him from shagging her before was her partner. Your role in his life wasn't important enough.

Anyone can say they are sorry and appear to mean it. It's so, so easy. If he won't even cut her out of his life he is essentially choosing her over you anyways.

You read my mind.

OP you seem so laid back about all of this?

IcedPurple · 03/03/2023 14:25

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I've done quite a few silly things in my life, but one thing I've managed not to do is find myself naked in bed with someone other than my partner.

SinnerBoy · 03/03/2023 14:25

HowcanIhelp123 · Today 14:22

In your situation, you've only been married a year, I'd cut your losses. If he was sorry he'd be on his knees grovelling and he'd have already cut contact with her.

I think that's a very accurate assessment of her situation.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 03/03/2023 14:25

Her relationship (ironically) ended as her partner had also cheated

Or he found out she was having a relationship with your DH?

I wouldn't forgive him. He's not going to "give her up".
I'd keep quiet, and would be finding a bloody good divorce lawyer.

MaireadMcSweeney · 03/03/2023 14:25

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 13:56

No, he hasn't said he won't cut contact but he would probably refuse if I asked. He has apologised and does seem remorseful but I'm unsure if he actually would be if I didn't know.

Her relationship (ironically) ended as her partner had also cheated

You've got no chance of repairing the relationship if he isn't cutting her out before you even mention it

Inertia · 03/03/2023 14:26

I would not forgive this. Sex us not accidental: your husband expects you to shut up and carry on being a prop in his life while he maximises his chances with the one that got away.

This is the blueprint for the rest of your life. A lifetime of dealing with him behaving like this will never get easier for you .

Italiandreams87 · 03/03/2023 14:26

Firstly I'm so sorry this has happened to you, one of the worst feelings in the world and ill say what i wish i heard all them years ago and decided to ignore.

Run for the Hillsssss!! The fact he has said it didn't mean to happen and it wont happen again, but he wont cut contact means he has no respect for you. How the hell he can think of anyone else's feelings? Especially after he has just broken your heart, it is flabbergasting. Its happened now ,and I'm pretty confident to say that if they want it to happen again, like the first time chances are high that it will.

Someone's out there ready to treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Go through this rubbish time with your self respect and dignity in tac and come out the other side feeling amazing.

With all that being said, its you and your relationship. You do what you want to do, its just my personal opinion from a personal experience. Sending you all the strength in the world xxx

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/03/2023 14:27

God knows we all get carried away sometimes! I’ve never accidentally fallen on an erect penis
Never got that carried away, sometimes or anytime

bananaAgogo · 03/03/2023 14:28

Her relationship (ironically) ended as her partner had also cheated
**
So she won't care what she does to your relationship

SinnerBoy · 03/03/2023 14:30

bananaAgogo · Today 14:28

So she won't care what she does to your relationship

She's already proven that beyond any doubt, as has he.

ConcordeOoter · 03/03/2023 14:32

I'm all for forgiveness.

I think "accidentally" would be a bit much. Did someone forget to put out a sign after mopping a floor and he tripped?

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 14:32

Is this a big deal to you OP?

I ask because you don't seem especially hurt, shocked or upset in your posts but I appreciate that not everyone pours their heart out on here.

I think OP sounds very much in shock.

MzHz · 03/03/2023 14:33

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 12:05

We were together for 2.5 years before we got married, I do have a DS but he isn't his bio father but apart from that, he acts like he is as he's been in his life since he was 10 months.

I didn't suspect anything, he admitted it which makes me more unsure of what to do as he was obviously feeling guilty enough about it to tell me.

So he makes a habit of forming relationships with women with toddlers?

bin him. Seriously.

Sunshinegirl82 · 03/03/2023 14:34

So, is he expecting that everything will carry on as before with him meeting up with her, popping round to help etc. and you'll just be ok with this and trust that nothing will happen because they've "agreed" it won't?

Your relationship doesn't sound very balanced OP, do you think your DH genuinely fears losing you? Based on what you've said so far, I'm not convinced he does?

Italiandreams87 · 03/03/2023 14:35

"I don't think he will cut contact as he has known her longer than me, but apparently they've both agreed it won't happen again and to pretend it never happened"

I'm sorry but … I get men have female friends I'm good with that but she's going to be part of your life, she'll be my friend as well and she will not come before me. Regardless of how long he has know her, you and your son should be his number one priority.

Please don't let him continue to disrespect you and insult you anymore , he's been unfaithful and then to rub salt in the wound - he wont cut contact. Is this just in case he's wants to repeat his "mistake" in the future. Surely it would be awkward for them now unless the relationship was still going on.

Tophy124 · 03/03/2023 14:36

I’m so so sorry OP. Are you young? Still being so close with Uni friends makes me think so.

Him going to stay with her is the first red flag. Him being so close with her and provide this level of emotional support is another. The sleeping with her is the nail in the coffin.

You have to at the very least temporarily separate so you can get some head space and he can see what he has done. He needs to leave your shared home and I’d go no contact for a few weeks so you can work out what you want to do. Speak to people in real life too. Please don’t keep this secret for him. My friends have had cheating DH and I didn’t judge them for staying, but I am glad they trusted me to emotionally unpack everything for them. I will see each of them did temporarily seperate for their husbands to feel the full weight of what they had done.

One year is nothing in a marriage and it shows a deep level of disrespect for you. I’m so sorry. I think you can do so much better as anyone can. I also know it’s not so easy to just get rid of someone you’ve built a life with and it sounds like he’s emotionally manipulated you into hearing the full sob story of her, they are just friends etc. None of what he’s done is ok.

Tophy124 · 03/03/2023 14:38

If he wont cut contact you get rid of him. This is outrageous!! Find your rage OP! This is unacceptable. Would your husband be ok with you going and shagging a random guy?

ShippingForecastMeditator · 03/03/2023 14:39

All I can say is think very carefully about how it’ll affect you in the future if you decide to forgive him. Total forgiveness is impossible in my experience. There are days when you do but then suspicion creeps back in and you’re back to square one. My DP cheated on me eight years ago, I thought I’d made peace with it and trusted him, but now it turns out I don’t. Feel like a paranoid shell of my former happy self.

My advice would be to end it before you have a kid and are tied to him forever. ‘Accidents’ happen all too easily to some men and they only apologise when they think they might get caught out.