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Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 03/03/2023 13:34

hes lying. He will do it again

so no - id never forgive a cheater. chuck him out

tempusername1234 · 03/03/2023 13:34

Thinking about this, some more, I'd be wondering who instigated it and also who said "we're not doing that again". It sounds like the husband was - for want of a better word - sniffing around when she was vulnerable and available. so I'd be suspecting he started it.

Consequently I'd not be totally surprised if it was the friend who said the next morning "what did we do? You're married. This can't happen again" (especially as she'd just gone through a breakup) and the husband then was left feeling a bit belatedly guilty.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/03/2023 13:34

The fact he owned up IS good ...

Only if it really was his free choice, booboo, which may be impossible to ever know
OP's already said it was known she "fancied him", so for all we're aware this could have been building a long time and she may have done the "if you don't tell her I will" thing

Goodread1 · 03/03/2023 13:34

How is your husband so weak vunerable to her in that way,
He didn't offer up much resistance to her did he,
It makes me wonder what's going on here really,

How long has he felt like this?,
Did he allways have somewhat feelings for her in the first place,
But cause she was in a relationship before, he felt it was off limits,
Why was that?

I don't think something like this just happens, out of the blue like that,

electricmoccasins · 03/03/2023 13:35

I don't think he will cut contact

He must never see her again, delete her number and block on all social media. He needs to act as if she is no longer on this planet.

Only then can the two of you discuss if your marriage can be saved. The actions that need to be taken (i.e therapy) and the timescale in which that might occur (as long as you need)is entirely in your court as the injured party. If he cannot cut all contact forever, it is over.

februarysunset · 03/03/2023 13:35

Why has he been helping with her toddler? Is there any chance he is the child's father? Why did her relationship break up?

Some serious questions to be asked here OP.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/03/2023 13:36

I've walked this mile. I'd get out now while you can. They don't change. He is not willing to cut her out of his life. How is that supposed to work going forward? How are you supposed to deal with her presence? Has she also apologised to you? If he can do this after a year, I don't think there is much hope. I'm so sorry, I know how painful it is but you deserve far better than two adults who had sex and say it was an accident Flowers

1FootInTheRave · 03/03/2023 13:36

No way I'd ever get over this.

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 13:38

electricmoccasins · 03/03/2023 13:35

I don't think he will cut contact

He must never see her again, delete her number and block on all social media. He needs to act as if she is no longer on this planet.

Only then can the two of you discuss if your marriage can be saved. The actions that need to be taken (i.e therapy) and the timescale in which that might occur (as long as you need)is entirely in your court as the injured party. If he cannot cut all contact forever, it is over.

The problem is he needed to do that off his own back and he needed to do it straight away.

Shimmermetimbers · 03/03/2023 13:39

Sounds like they like being friends who are just too tempted by each other. Star crossed lovers who will try SO hard not to do anything again but...

I'd want no part of that. You don't have children together, you can make a better life for you and your son than with someone who thinks so little of you, he's willing to risk your relationship for a mistake.

I doubt it's the first time it's happened and probably won't be the last.

Good luck to you, I hope you can find a way forward for you and your child.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 03/03/2023 13:41

He sounds pretty odious. He jumped on her first chance she was single and vulnerable from her split.
You’re only a year in to your marriage and has he actually indicated he will still be in contact with her? Don’t let him call the shots.

FrostyFifi · 03/03/2023 13:41

Oh OP, you need to finish it. I could understand, just about, forgiving if it was a long marriage, children and genuine remorse, but you've not even been together that long and he hasn't even offered to cut contact with her. You deserve much better than that shitshow.

80s · 03/03/2023 13:41

apparently they've both agreed it won't happen again and to pretend it never happened
Are you supposed to also pretend it never happened?
Is he apologetic? Crying? Desperate that he might have ballsed up your relationship just a year in?

HoleyShit · 03/03/2023 13:41

He won't cut contact? That's seriously insulting for you. What a smack in the face. Surely you can't stay with him.

Eatentoomanyroses · 03/03/2023 13:42

I hold the unpopular view on here that men are never friends with women unless they are attracted and hoping she’ll come aground at some point.
You’re onto a loser here op. My guess is he wants her

electricmoccasins · 03/03/2023 13:42

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 13:38

The problem is he needed to do that off his own back and he needed to do it straight away.

Show quote history

@GoodChat you’re correct. He didn’t. Op, I would walk.

BingoBonus · 03/03/2023 13:42

My dh of 16 years cheated and told me, I wanted to try and save our marriage. He agreed to cut all contact with her..... he didn't.
In your situation I would be ending things if he wanted to maintain the friendship with the woman he cheated with...... actions have consequences.

Isthisit22 · 03/03/2023 13:43

Even if you could forgive him cheating, this situation is just not survivable. He would have to never see her again otherwise it will eat you up. Value yourself more- you deserve some one who doesn’t cheat. Even 3.5 years together is nothing. Then to accept that he will continue to be friends with his affair partner? Hell, no

JackiePlace · 03/03/2023 13:47

As Margaret Atwood phrased it, perhaps he wasn't being disloyal to OP, he was being loyal to something that pre-dated her.
It could have been a blast of nostalgia or perhaps it was their "final goodbye"... who knows why people do what they do.
God knows we all get carried away sometimes.

Travelfan2021 · 03/03/2023 13:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Bigmummaof2 · 03/03/2023 13:51

He didn’t mean for it to happen? So his penis accidentally flew into her vagina then?

Im so sorry, OP. But I couldn’t ever get over that.

x

FourFour · 03/03/2023 13:51

He must think you are a complete fool for believing that, don't prove him right. Not sure why you are asking.

StrawberryJam4Ever · 03/03/2023 13:55

What a bastard! He has no respect for you OP, at least have some for yourself.

SinnerBoy · 03/03/2023 13:55

ch91566 · Today 12:05

I didn't suspect anything, he admitted it which makes me more unsure of what to do as he was obviously feeling guilty enough about it to tell me.

OK, out on a limb here, but he's confessed, because you were about to find out from someone else and he wanted to pre-empt that. 99% certain.

Backstreets · 03/03/2023 13:55

One year, flipping hell.

I know women who stayed after early cheating and proceeded to get cheated on for the subsequent twenty years. Just throwing that out there.

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