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Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
Feraldogmum · 03/03/2023 13:15

He’s been friends with her for years, there’s already an emotional bond,now there’s a sexual attraction.
Shes been in a relationship for years and the second she’s single he has sex with her, looks very much like he’s been waiting for the opportunity.
It may well be rebound sex for her and he is taking advantage, as well as being unfaithful to you this makes him a sleazebag .
Alternatively, this is going to be hard to hear, but you may be the rebound relationship for him ,when he realised that he wasn’t going to get her back then.
It may be that he did harbour feelings for her in the past and wanted to see if he felt the same today, but after sleeping with her he realised how much he loves you and that it was a mistake ,that’s why he confessed. That you can maybe work through but you need to know if and why he questioned your relationship in the first place just a year into marriage.
He has to sever all ties, she may be a friend but you are his wife, this is the very least you deserve. You deserve to be number one, not some consolation prize and should be worth the sacrifice, if he refuses then you do not want to spend your life with someone whose feelings are so lukewarm, you won’t be happy and the marriage won’t last.
You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t waste it.

Kois · 03/03/2023 13:15

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 13:01

Thing is op, if she lays on her back so easily for a married man, then how many others were there before him.
If you fancy a trip to the GUM clinic and a course of antibiotics, courtesy of him and a slapper, then continue the marriage.
She won't be the last.

OP said she is single.
It is DH who has caused the OP’s upset.

She is not the slapper as she is single, her DH is the one that’s in the wrong and the male equivalent.

It doesn't matter if she's single or not. She laid on her back with a married man, both have the morals of alley cats.

ChunkaMunkaBoomBoom · 03/03/2023 13:17

Cut your losses, divorce him and move on. Your DS is till young enough to not remember this man. The fact that you don't even think he'll cut contact wit her is telling.
A year into a marriage, this shouldn't be like this. It's not an accident, unless he tripped and fell into her open vag getting out of the sower maybe?

CatJumperTwat · 03/03/2023 13:19

Forgiving a cheater just gives them permission to do it again.

Sheitgeist · 03/03/2023 13:19

If you did decide to forgive and move on (you shouldn’t!) that could only be possible if he cut all contact with this woman.
If he’s not prepared to do so, then it’s over. Please realise, OP, that this woman is more important to him than you are.

Im sorry you’re going through this Flowers

Goodread1 · 03/03/2023 13:20

Hi Op
Sorry you going through Nasty shit like this,

Personally myself I would really struggle to Comprehend how after being married for just over a year !!!), that he could be faithful towards you in any way,

At this stage of a marriage its should / supposed to be the honeymoon stage,
Where you can't keep your hands off each other etc,

There's no excuse for him to do this,
There's one thing helping his friend out, but why didn't she need to lean in for so much support from him in the first place ?

Why didn't your husband put in appropriate boundaries in place with her as a friend?

I know, she obviously knew he was married,

She was vunerable to any type of attention from any man, Cause her relantship was obviously on rocks subsequently split up,

ColdHandsHotHead · 03/03/2023 13:22

He was hanging around her because he knew she fancied him and she was newly single and probably a bit vulnerable. He slept with her 'by accident'? It wasn't an accident, he thought he'd try his luck. I'd bet he has now told you because she's threatening to.

You've only been married a year, you are still young. Get rid and find someone who deserves to be with you.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 03/03/2023 13:22

When you say they slept together, did they actually have sex.

Because the only way I can understand you being so calm about this is if all they actually did was sleep.

Kinniewins · 03/03/2023 13:25

I don’t believe in the ‘once a cheat always a cheat’ saying, sometimes people do make a decision that they regret massively and it shows them that they can and will never do it again. How they deal with it afterwards is just as critical.

Non emotional sex I’d be able to consider getting over, but these 2 have a personal relationship and he’s spent time with her too.

The fact that he is not the one saying that he will never have anything to do with her again would be the deal breaker for me. You as his wife should be the woman that comes first, no matter how long he has known her. It is absolutely ridiculous to even want to continue his friendship with her after it has risked his relationship.

nats2010 · 03/03/2023 13:26

IfYoureGonnaBreakMyHeart · 03/03/2023 11:19

Also 'he didn't mean for it to happen'??
He didn't trip over and fall into her did he?

🤣 LMAO. I could have written this about my ex husband. That's what he said and that was my response to him too 🤣🤣. On a serious note though, OP I am sorry you are going through this. I tried to make a go of things after I found out my ex husband had cheated but I kept getting more and more snippets of information, he tried to blame me (of course its always someone else's fault they cheat 🙃) and then started to go through my phone to try and find something that would take the blame off him. I say this with genuine care......a leopard does not change their spots. Save yourself the heartache and step away from the table now. You deserve so much better than to have this happen to you. Take care x

Kidsandcat · 03/03/2023 13:26

I would not have him back unless he broke ties with her. There is no way you would want to be socialising with her like nothing's happened or even worse him continuing to meet up with her on his own.

QforCucumber · 03/03/2023 13:26

they've both agreed it won't happen again and to pretend it never happened

this would be the end of the relationship for me, he has absolutely 0 respect for YOUR feelings here, he may want to pretend it never happened but what about you? No chance in hell would I remain with someone who expects me to just sweep this under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen. He needs to own it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/03/2023 13:27

It doesn't matter if she's single or not. She laid on her back with a married man, both have the morals of alley cats

I agree, although TBF it's not her who made promises to OP so the "D"H is at greater fault

Clearly, though, neither of them attach much importance to marriage vows so an STI check would definitely be sensible

Moveoverdarlin · 03/03/2023 13:27

If you’re only a year in, with no children, I would cut your losses. I’m usually one to see the bigger picture, but this wasn’t a one night stand on a stag do in Benidorm that you can sweep under the carpet, it’s his best mate. If you let him stay, surely you won’t be happy for their friendship to continue? If he can do this in the honeymoon stage of your marriage, I worry what he’ll do when you’ve been married 15 years, with a dwindling sex life and a few kids.

FloydPepper · 03/03/2023 13:27

Make your own decision, not the decision that most of mumsnet want you to make.

if you do decide you can work through this I’d expect a number of things from him. Complete acceptance of what he did, total honesty with no minimising, cutting all contact with her, accepting you need time to build trust.

you’d have to accept that you couldn’t use this as a stick to beat him with in future arguments, that yes it’ll be hard for you to trust again.

it’s your life and your decision, just make it with your eyes open

booboo24 · 03/03/2023 13:27

Not a cat in hell's chance would I forgive him! The fact he owned up IS good in that you've not had to feel your instincts bubbling, not therefore had to try and find out by digging around etc, but it shouldn't give him a pass. You won't trust him ever again (rightly so). I couldn't live with that

Tinkerbyebye · 03/03/2023 13:29

A year in! I am not sure I would be forgiving, and if I was I would be insisting he cut all contact

booboo24 · 03/03/2023 13:29

What a cow the best friend is too. If he's her best friend and there's a sexual attraction there then that leaves you where?

bonzaitree · 03/03/2023 13:29

In a word OP no I don’t think you should forgive him.

Youre so early into your relationship and marriage I don’t know why you would do this.

Frabbits · 03/03/2023 13:30

For me, cheating would absolutely end my marriage. Ultimately only you can decide where your red lines are though.

Workingwithchildcare · 03/03/2023 13:30

What a crap position they have put you in. You are now forced to either leave and deal with that, or forgive and deal with that. Neither a position you wanted to be in.

It sounds like they’ve had fun and now want to sweep it under the carpet. The aren’t in the same torturous position as you. The fact he won’t even stop seeing her ‘because they have known each other longer’ properly tells you everything you need to know about where you come in terms of his priorities. Yes it was odd that he offered to support you. And I don’t doubt that he had feelings for her too.

But really none of that matters now. You have two choices. You might be able to move on but you’ll never trust him or them again. Marriage is hard. It needs respect and trust to get through everything life sends. You’ve been in it a year and it failed you.

Sadly it’s clear he is a complete coward. He’s burying his head in the sand and leaving you to make the decisions. Surely you want someone who puts you first?

SquanderedAgain · 03/03/2023 13:31

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 12:44

She had always been in a relationship for as long as I've known DH, she got into her relationship just before me and DH met.

He was helping with her toddler as he wanted to be supportive and let friend have time on her own, I was a bit Hmm at the time as she has other friends/the dad/the dads family etc that could be doing that but I wasn't suspicious of DH, I just found it odd.

I'm unsure whether DH has feelings for her but he did say before they slept together she had admitted to fancying him in the past. I don't think he will cut contact as he has known her longer than me, but apparently they've both agreed it won't happen again and to pretend it never happened

They've both agreed? Agreed fucking what? She'd be getting TFO of my life if I had plans to reconcile this.

About 'agreed'. You're not even in the picture hun!! And as for him- what the hell is he playing at? He's in charge of a child and married and can't last a year without having sex elsewhere????

Aldith · 03/03/2023 13:32

I’m so sorry your going through this OP and sadly this is a decision only you can make.

My DF had an affair around 1992 and my DM did eventually forgive him though you never forget. He has remained faithful ever since and they will have been married 44 years later this year. My DF would also be the first one to say that a man who marries his mistress creates a job vacancy.

Unless your DH gets rid of her for good he is showing how little respect he has for you and there is no coming back from that.

BadNomad · 03/03/2023 13:32

He's a bit gross, isn't he? He knew she fancied him, then as soon as she was vulnerable after her breakup, he was straight in there, got involved with her child, acted like her saviour, then shagged her.

Poscapen · 03/03/2023 13:32

Why would you forgive him? You've only been married a year FFS.

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