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Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
User678945 · 04/03/2023 09:35

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. If you don't have any children with this man yet, you can leave and never look back. It's much much harder to try and forgive and stay than to leave, and just not worth even trying if there are no children involved in my opinion.

Hope you have someone in real life who can support you through this horrible shock.

Original poster
ch91566 · 04/03/2023 12:02

I'm still unsure on what to do. I don't think he is the toddlers father. He is a good stepfather to DS, and our relationship was really good until this.

I spoke to him last night and he doesn't find it an issue as he's admitted to it etc and he doesn't have any feelings for her

OP posts:
Cosyblankets · 04/03/2023 12:11

You are his wife
He had sex with another woman
He won't cut contact with her
He doesn't see it as an issue because he admitted to it...
Read those sentences back to yourself and ask yourself if your sister or friend said all that about her own husband what would your advice be?

SinnerBoy · 04/03/2023 12:15

FiddleLeaf · Yesterday 20:11

The cheating husband is always solely response for his own cheating. Men are not children.

Yes, that's entirely true, he's solely responsible for his own actions. OW is also blameworthy, she knows he's married, she knows the OP, but still she had sex with him, despite her relationship breaking down, because of her partner's infidelty.

SinnerBoy · 04/03/2023 12:17

ch91566 · Today 12:02

I spoke to him last night and he doesn't find it an issue as he's admitted to it etc and he doesn't have any feelings for her

I'm sorry, I know it's an awful shock for you and you don't want to be left alone and unsupported, but:

He's lying to you. He wants to maintain his friendship with her. Is that the behaviour o somebody with no feelings for her?

ProfessionalWeirdo · 04/03/2023 12:17

You are his wife
He had sex with another woman
He won't cut contact with her
He doesn't see it as an issue because he admitted to it...
Read those sentences back to yourself and ask yourself if your sister or friend said all that about her own husband what would your advice be?

Or ask him how he would feel if it was the other way round? Would he forgive you as readily as he expects you to forgive him?

Italiandreams87 · 04/03/2023 12:21

I understand your emotions are probably everywhere and you’re thinking about all the positives he brings but if he can’t do the bare minimum and be loyal to you and your son, all them positives are outweighed by what he has done. Risked loosing his family over a good time.

”He doesn’t find it an issue”
He’s got more front than Brighton!!!

He’s down playing it so he can make you think you’re over exaggerating and be dramatic and then day by day it will slowly return to normal and he would of got away with it once, meaning in his head he could get away with it a second and third and fourth!

CleaningOutMyCloset · 04/03/2023 12:26

I spoke to him last night and he doesn't find it an issue as he's admitted to it etc and he doesn't have any feelings for her

Oh well that's ok then Confused I'd clarify with him then, that's is ok for you to have sec with another man, as long as you tell him and you don't have any feelings for him - what an utter selfish cock!

Merryoldgoat · 04/03/2023 12:30

So he told you to alleviate his own guilt and now he feels better you need to get over it immediately.

He’s a treasure, isn’t he?

SinnerBoy · 04/03/2023 12:34

He’s a treasure, isn’t he?

This may be treasure: 💩💩

icefishing · 04/03/2023 12:37

He would be okay if you had sex with someone else? Presumably yes if it is such a small thing.

He is being quite ridiculous, on what planet is it okay to have sex with people outside of your marriage just because you don't have feelings for them?
Why wouldn't he keep on doing it if it is such a non issue.

He is treating you with such contempt that I would be wondering if he is trying to get you to end the relationship for him.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/03/2023 12:39

Like everyone else I'm horrified by this:

I spoke to him last night and he doesn't find it an issue as he's admitted to it etc and he doesn't have any feelings for her

He seems to have no appreciation of your upset and his betrayal. He's all right, therefore you should be. He can fuck off.

If i were continuing a relationship with him I would also expect him to cut off all 1:1 contact with her.

BadNomad · 04/03/2023 12:39

Cool. He doesn't find it an issue. What about you? Or do you not matter?

Also, he's not a good stepfather. Good fathers don't risk destroying their family for a quick shag with someone they don't have feelings for. That's how low his bar and boundaries are.

Growlybear83 · 04/03/2023 12:45

I don't understand how you can possibly be considering staying with him. He had sex with another woman while married to you. Whilst I generally think that people don't take marriage seriously enough and break up with their partners far too easily, There's not really any greater betrayal than having sex with someone else. He clearly doesn't see it as being anything particularly significant so it's highly likely he will cheat on you again - if he hasn't already. How can you have so little respect for yourself?

PinkButtercups · 04/03/2023 12:45

I mean it's not like he accidentally got hard and then fell into her vagina is it?

They're both to blame. Personally, nope I wouldn't forgive.

PinkButtercups · 04/03/2023 12:49

I don't think he will cut contact as he has known her longer than me, but apparently they've both agreed it won't happen again and to pretend it never happened

🚩. The fact he doesn't think he's done wrong because he's admitted it.
They will continue having sex, trust me.

I think you probably are quite soft OP and he and she know that and have completely walked all over you knowing you will probably forgive.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 04/03/2023 12:51

Don’t let fear of being single stop you from ending this relationship with this scumbag. You will be fine on your own. A good stepfather doesn’t lie, cheat and disrespectful his partner. He’s a terrible role model for your DS.

FabFitFifties · 04/03/2023 12:56

I spoke to him last night and he doesn't find it an issue as he's admitted to it etc and he doesn't have any feelings for her. Big red flag slapping you in the face OP. It's all about him. What about your feelings? He's prioritised her feelings and needs, over his WIFE and stepson too. He would have to be begging, wringing his hands, sobbing, declaring he'd never see her again, for me to take him seriously. Even then I doubt I would trust him. Unfortunately, men who confess, tend to be economical when they do so.

ChunkaMunkaBoomBoom · 04/03/2023 13:02

‘I spoke to him last night and he doesn't find it an issue as he's admitted to it etc and he doesn't have any feelings for her’

ah, it would be a LTB from me.

winterbegone · 04/03/2023 13:04

He's only been her friend because he obviously fancies her and now she's single and then shagged her, I don't see how you could ever trust him again. He's a chancer that will take any opportunity.

HowcanIhelp123 · 04/03/2023 13:09

ch91566 · 04/03/2023 12:02

I'm still unsure on what to do. I don't think he is the toddlers father. He is a good stepfather to DS, and our relationship was really good until this.

I spoke to him last night and he doesn't find it an issue as he's admitted to it etc and he doesn't have any feelings for her

I'd tell him in that case you'll be propositioning his best mate for sex, it's clearly not something he'll have a problem with since you don't have feelings for him and you're even telling him in advance rather than afterwards. Then kick his ass out.

Sheitgeist · 04/03/2023 13:10

I spoke to him last night and he doesn't find it an issue as he's admitted to it etc and he doesn't have any feelings for her

He doesn't find it an issue? He doesn't find it an issue?

I nearly exploded with fury reading that!
Of course he fucking doesn't: he's having his cake and eating it too. It's not up to him to forgive himself on your behalf. Any semi-decent human being knows it's a massive issue to cheat on and betray the trust of your partner. It's a huge issue.

Dump him yesterday. He couldn't give a fuck about you.

Sheitgeist · 04/03/2023 13:11

Unfortunately, men who confess, tend to be economical when they do so.

Also, 100 x that ^^

callthataspade · 04/03/2023 13:11

@ch91566 all I hear is what he thinks and feels. How about you?

Has he even asked if you're okay?

I've your thread and I'm angry for you

Angry that he can lie, chest but then have the audacity to treat you with even more disrespect by continuing the relationship with her

It is possible for some couples to heal after an affair. But not like this.

He has to own the fact he has hurt you. Lied to you. Cutting out the woman he 'accidentally' had sex with would be relationship salvage 101.

The fact he doesn't want to, can't be bothered, doesn't care how this makes you feel says this relationship can't be saved.

He's shown you where you are in his priorities. And it's way down the list.

You say he's a great father to your kid. I strongly advise you to read all the threads from posters who as kids watched their parents be cheated on and lose their self esteem. Your child will pick up from this. And this is how they will learn adult relationships. Is that what you want?

Like many I'm picking up on what I assume is just shock in your posts. I hope the strength of all of us behind you will kick you into action.

You're worth more than this. Get angry with him. For treating you like a simpleton he can simple say 'oh I didn't mean' as he continues seeing her and playing happy families

MyOtherUsernameIsDave · 04/03/2023 13:12

OP you seem very passive about this.

He might as well have shrugged his shoulders and said ‘meh’ to you.

He doesn’t care. He’s essentially telling you to get over it, as he has.

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