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Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
SinnerBoy · 03/03/2023 19:23

You'll never trust him again, not till the day you die. It will fester and rankle and before very much time has passed, your marriage will be over anyway and he'll play the victim, on the grounds that you were cold to him.

He's a dishonest bawbag with little real regard for you and you know that, deep down.

Griefgood · 03/03/2023 19:24

@AaaaaandBreathe I was referring to a PP suggesting he was taking advantage, my point was that she knew the score and also wanted a shag.

She was victim.

Griefgood · 03/03/2023 19:25

Griefgood · 03/03/2023 19:24

@AaaaaandBreathe I was referring to a PP suggesting he was taking advantage, my point was that she knew the score and also wanted a shag.

She was victim.

She was not a victim

AaaaaandBreathe · 03/03/2023 19:33

Griefgood · 03/03/2023 19:25

She was not a victim

Show quote history

I agree the OP is the only real victim, I just think there is something very creepy about a man who will make advances on a woman who is emotionally distressed. He said she fancied him but only his word for it and next thing he's looking after her child when he should be home with the OP and her child (already stated she has family/friends, the ex and his family to help out). Just sounds a bit predatory to me.

I may be wrong and the OW has used this as her big chance but she got into a relationship before OP met her husband so it doesn't add up. If he knew she fancied him then he should have distanced himself. Wouldn't trust her but he is completely to blame.

AaaaaandBreathe · 03/03/2023 19:36

Also if he's babysitting so she can have nights out she has probably been drinking while he's sober, just gives me the ick.

OhcantthInkofaname · 03/03/2023 19:36

IfYoureGonnaBreakMyHeart · 03/03/2023 11:19

Also 'he didn't mean for it to happen'??
He didn't trip over and fall into her did he?

I am scolding myself for laughing at this.

Newstartonwards · 03/03/2023 19:37

IfYoureGonnaBreakMyHeart · 03/03/2023 11:19

Also 'he didn't mean for it to happen'??
He didn't trip over and fall into her did he?

This.

No bin him

Lampzade · 03/03/2023 19:38

I wouldn’t stay tbh.

Moxysright · 03/03/2023 19:42

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

It’s totally up to you OP but I find once the trust has gone the relationship is never the same. One thing for sure if you do forgive and take him back, he can no longer be in contact with the woman in question.

Griefgood · 03/03/2023 19:46

@AaaaaandBreathe I think there is something very vile about a woman that knows that the man she's friends with is married and shag's him.

We've no idea who ended her relationship, maybe her, because she couldn't be faithful?

OhcantthInkofaname · 03/03/2023 19:48

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 13:56

No, he hasn't said he won't cut contact but he would probably refuse if I asked. He has apologised and does seem remorseful but I'm unsure if he actually would be if I didn't know.

Her relationship (ironically) ended as her partner had also cheated

Unless he is willing to cut contact with her completely then your relationship is over. He is putting her over your family. Her feelings matter yours don't.

Griefgood · 03/03/2023 19:48

AaaaaandBreathe · 03/03/2023 19:36

Also if he's babysitting so she can have nights out she has probably been drinking while he's sober, just gives me the ick.

Oh stop it!!

He shagged her, she wanted it and possibly set it all up, so she could come in drunk with a bit of Dutch courage and pursue him.

Why are you so intent that a woman wad taken advantage of, and actually didn't want to shag him?

Most woven despite what you think, do know their own minds.

RockStarship · 03/03/2023 19:55

Of course you could work together to try and make your marriage work, however, he would need to cut ties with her. You should be his priority and yet you don't believe he would choose you over his friendship with her, and he hasn't suggested the friendship should end. That is not a good start to repairing the loss of trust.

AaaaaandBreathe · 03/03/2023 19:58

Griefgood · 03/03/2023 19:46

@AaaaaandBreathe I think there is something very vile about a woman that knows that the man she's friends with is married and shag's him.

We've no idea who ended her relationship, maybe her, because she couldn't be faithful?

OP said the OW husband cheated and that's why they ended, but again, who knows? Maybe it was her. Neither of them can be trusted.

But it was still only the OP H who cheated in this scenario and she is the one having a difficult break up. So it's not beyond the realms of possibility he planned this.

I agree with you that it's not as if she was forced and there's a good chance she was also planning this - but he is to blame because he was the only one married to her.

(And no, I've never cheated with anyone but I have been vulnerable when some people have tried to use that).

TheySeeMeRowling · 03/03/2023 19:59

If he’s fucking a woman with a toddler a year into your marriage there the relationship is over.

Nanny0gg · 03/03/2023 20:00

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 13:56

No, he hasn't said he won't cut contact but he would probably refuse if I asked. He has apologised and does seem remorseful but I'm unsure if he actually would be if I didn't know.

Her relationship (ironically) ended as her partner had also cheated

Even if I was inclined to forgive (big if) If they didn't cut contact he'd be gone.

AaaaaandBreathe · 03/03/2023 20:01

Griefgood · 03/03/2023 19:48

Oh stop it!!

He shagged her, she wanted it and possibly set it all up, so she could come in drunk with a bit of Dutch courage and pursue him.

Why are you so intent that a woman wad taken advantage of, and actually didn't want to shag him?

Most woven despite what you think, do know their own minds.

Show quote history

I never said they didn't. If you don;t think there is a power imbalance generally and some women can be taken advantage of then I don't know where you've been.

You are adamant she concocted the whole thing. I'm saying either way HE is to blame for cheating. And he did it while in a 'happy' marriage with someone in emotional distress.

But it's always the woman's fault, eh?

FiddleLeaf · 03/03/2023 20:11

AaaaaandBreathe · 03/03/2023 20:01

I never said they didn't. If you don;t think there is a power imbalance generally and some women can be taken advantage of then I don't know where you've been.

You are adamant she concocted the whole thing. I'm saying either way HE is to blame for cheating. And he did it while in a 'happy' marriage with someone in emotional distress.

But it's always the woman's fault, eh?

Show quote history

Hah exactly! Even if she got the finest wine out and fancy lingerie he has free will.

The OW is single and can do as she pleases. Although personally I do think he pounced when she was low & finally single. Her self esteem would have been low following the infidelity in her own marriage.

The cheating husband is always solely response for his own cheating. Men are not children.

AaaaaandBreathe · 03/03/2023 20:32

FiddleLeaf · 03/03/2023 20:11

Hah exactly! Even if she got the finest wine out and fancy lingerie he has free will.

The OW is single and can do as she pleases. Although personally I do think he pounced when she was low & finally single. Her self esteem would have been low following the infidelity in her own marriage.

The cheating husband is always solely response for his own cheating. Men are not children.

Show quote history

Indeed.

Griefgood · 03/03/2023 20:55

@AaaaaandBreathe I agree it's solely his fault, but I don't agree that the OW is a victim, she's not, she was a willing partner IMO!

But your previous posts seem to think she was a victim? She'd had a drink blah blah.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/03/2023 21:05

I think relationships can work after cheating but only if-

  • there is full disclosure
  • there are full and honest discussions about all the issues in the relationship, through counselling if necessary
  • the cheater accepts that their behaviour will have a profound and long lasting effect on the trust within a relationship, acknowledges this and does everything they can to lessen this effect eg avoids the situation that gave rise to the cheating (eg drinking, or changes job if met at work), cuts all ties with the affair partner, is completely transparent eg keeps phone on, enables tracking apps etc to provide extra reassurance
IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 03/03/2023 22:17

No, I couldn't forgive this. I think I'd struggle to forgive any cheating, but this type of cheating smacks of arrogance on your husbands part and of knowing it was going to happen but not stopping the runaway train anyway. I would also question whether he always wanted to shag her and never could, so has bided his time waiting for her to be vulnerable and then taken advantage. Which is even grosser than just cheating. I'd be kicking this wanker to the curb. I'm sorry that this is happening to you @ch91566. After a year of marriage you should still he starry eyed, not going through this.

tolerable · 03/03/2023 22:56

i'm back.only cos av read through other replies.tbh,they just annoyed me. I can only imagine youre pretty devestated. Unlike some,i dont think his honesty is commendable. When people treat you like you dont matter(to them)no matter how unexpected,just believe them. i hope youre ok

TicketBoo23 · 04/03/2023 08:22

He isn't going to cut contact as 'he's known her longer than me'

So "friendships" that aren't actually true friendships - because he's had sex with her, committing adultery while doing so, within a not long time if her becoming single .... Are more important than his spouse and marriage.

Any cheater who wants a hope of reconciliation/continuation after adultery needs to go NC with their affair partner ...... Not that I believe anyone should contieith a cheater anyway.

His priorities and his utter gall, the neck of him, in staying them - suggest a very big problem with the dynamic in your relationship. He appears to think you are a doormat and he is very much in charge.

TicketBoo23 · 04/03/2023 08:23

*Not that I believe anyone should continue with a cheater anyway.

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