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Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 03/03/2023 17:16

*about their spouse

Gemls3123 · 03/03/2023 17:20

@ch91566 NOPE. But I think you asking is your insecurity. No one can tell you how you’re feeling. It’ll happen again I think. Be brave x

TicketBoo23 · 03/03/2023 17:20

Buildingthefuture · 03/03/2023 16:54

Well, people can and do change. But if he’s refusing to cut contact with her after he’s shagged her and you’ve only been married a year? Big NOPE from me.
But, (and this is absolutely not a popular opinion here on MN) so many men just do not think things through. I’ve no idea how or why but consequences, repercussions and empathy seem to be lacking in a lot of men. I would GUARANTEE if you sat him down and explained it from your point of view…..If you, after only a year of marriage had somehow “accidentally” fallen on another man’s cock, oh, but ooops, it was all a mistake and now you were just going to spend time with said om, alone as a “friend” how you he feel? He will see it I think. But, too little, too late. Bin him, he’s a plank.

This is really letting men off the hook.

Sorry but there should not be different standards for decent behaviour for men and women. If you've got a man who "can't" behave decently, then get rid of him (especially if you're not stuck with kids by him) and find one who does. There are women who don't have cheaters for husbands. You don't have to settle for a cheater for a husband

Oh and they'd empathise and understand just fine if they were on the receiving end.

TicketBoo23 · 03/03/2023 17:21

"But, (and this is absolutely not a popular opinion here on MN) so many men just do not think things through. I’ve no idea how or why but consequences, repercussions and empathy seem to be lacking in a lot of men. I would GUARANTEE if you sat him down and explained it from your point of view"

That part, I meant. Not the rest of your post

gonnabeok · 03/03/2023 17:22

He's done this so early in your marriage. I bet he saw his moment and took advantage of it. You will never be able to trust him again. Men don't accidentally put their penises in a woman.

TicketBoo23 · 03/03/2023 17:29

but consequences, repercussions and empathy seem to be lacking in a lot of men.

That's a sig of a sociopathic personality in a man or a woman ... Yes, more men are thought to be sociopathic than woman but that doesn't mean you throw yourself away on a sociopath. You ditch them and try to find someone who's not.

I'm surprised if behaviour like this has come out of the blue . .. I have a feeling he had previous of some sort.

Schnooze · 03/03/2023 17:40

He admitted it and he didn’t even have to tell you, that’s a point in his favour. It is up to you if you want to give him one more chance if he’s truly repentant.

If you do forgive then don’t have kids until he’s proved himself, and for goodness sake don’t ever let him get away with it again.

luckystarg · 03/03/2023 17:46

I would forgive in this situation, we aren’t infallible. The reason I would is that he told you straight away.

I would ONLY do this if he cut contact with her voluntarily.

Straightsidedcircle · 03/03/2023 17:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Buildingthefuture · 03/03/2023 17:56

@TicketBoo23 not at all about letting men off the hook. No one should tolerate shitty behaviour, men or women. Merely an explanation of my experience in that a lot of men just somehow….don’t get it. Does that make it right, forgivable, should you stay? Hell no. But, IME, a lot of men just don’t think things through, and then are seemingly baffled by the consequences which they are quite rightly left with! I’ve seen it so many times and I do not understand it. It’s not popular on MN but I think men and women are, in general, very different.

BungleandGeorge · 03/03/2023 18:00

Positives- he actually told you rather than lying and covering up

negatives- you’ve only been married a year, it should be the honeymoon period and I’d be worried if he’s cheated so soon

tbh if you don’t have children and want them in the future I’d think seriously about leaving. Pregnancy/ children put a lot of strain on a relationship and if he’s cheated a year in he’s fairly likely to do it again. If there are children already I’d try and work it out with counselling etc.
if you decide to try again I’d go to counselling, sort out some ground rules because trust will have to be earned. It’s quite a difficult job to trust again though and what’s a relationship without trust

strawberry2017 · 03/03/2023 18:00

I could never forgive that, it's clear there are underlying feelings between them both and I think for me all trust would be gone for good.
Good luck whatever you decide to do x

BungleandGeorge · 03/03/2023 18:02

If you try again he must cut contact. If he won’t he’s effectively prioritising her over you

Gazelda · 03/03/2023 18:02

You say he's apologised. That stood out to me - I'd have expected you to say that he begged for forgiveness, it didn't mean anything, he's cut contact, he'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you etc.

Saying sorry wouldn't be enough for me.

Siennahh · 03/03/2023 18:07

Unless he fell over while he was naked and so was she, and he happened to have an erection and she happened to have her legs wide open, then this didn't happen by accident OP!

Crimeismymiddlename · 03/03/2023 18:25

Op, you sound more worried about your husbands friendship with the women he cheated on you with than anything else. You have been married a year, he cheats on you, tells you all about it then thinks you will all move on and forget about it.
I would seriously recommend leaving him.

WhineWhineWINE · 03/03/2023 18:30

No. Absolutely no. He will do it again. And again.

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 18:31

@Passthechocolatesplease I actually think an affairs different to just sex, and presumably your OH didn't want continue going to the OW's house, looking after her child etc, like nothing ever happened?

Dotcheck · 03/03/2023 18:40

Thing is, he knew she fancied him. He still chose to swoop in and spend evenings with her when she was vulnerable

AaaaaandBreathe · 03/03/2023 19:07

Sorry but him admitting it means nothing. What was he hoping to achieve? For you now to be worried about this other woman?

If he told you for the right reasons he'd be devastated and would have cut contact with her immediately, suggested counselling and/or to move out temporarily to give you space to make a decision if that's what you wanted.

If he hasn't done that and you believe he'll refuse if you asked then he is not treating you (aside from the cheating) as his WIFE. You are supposed to be a team. Sorry if I sound harsh but you deserve better than this. The fact he can just apologise and you're ok with it plus adamant he'll refuse to cut contact is awful.

How is your self esteem generally? He has met you as a (vulnerable?) single mother then has swooped on another vulnerable single mother. He is not remorseful from what you've said. He even already planted the idea that she fancied him! You have no idea is it was the other way about and he was simply testing your reaction.

Flowers for you @ch91566

Griefgood · 03/03/2023 19:07

Dotcheck · 03/03/2023 18:40

Thing is, he knew she fancied him. He still chose to swoop in and spend evenings with her when she was vulnerable

He is a total cunt, but she is just as much to blame.

She knew he was married.

They're both as bad as each other.

To say she doesn't know what she's doing is so demeaning of her as a woman. She knew what she was doing, she's not a fucking victim.

Only one victim in this scenario.

AaaaaandBreathe · 03/03/2023 19:14

Griefgood · 03/03/2023 19:07

He is a total cunt, but she is just as much to blame.

She knew he was married.

They're both as bad as each other.

To say she doesn't know what she's doing is so demeaning of her as a woman. She knew what she was doing, she's not a fucking victim.

Only one victim in this scenario.

Show quote history

Only one is married to the OP, only one took vows. You hear time and time again about 'the script' (telling the OW they sleep in separate rooms, forced into getting married. 'she doesn't understand me like you do') so who knows what he's said - particularly when he's caring for her child. She obviously shouldn't have done it but yes, she was in a vulnerable state. Only person to blame is him.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/03/2023 19:19

Schnooze · 03/03/2023 17:40

He admitted it and he didn’t even have to tell you, that’s a point in his favour. It is up to you if you want to give him one more chance if he’s truly repentant.

If you do forgive then don’t have kids until he’s proved himself, and for goodness sake don’t ever let him get away with it again.

How is that a point in his favour? He made himself feel better by telling her, it didn't help her feel better. He could have just kept quiet, dealt with his own conscience and made sure it didn't happen again.
There's an agenda to telling her. Either he feels bad and wants her forgiveness, doesn't care that it will hurt her because he likes to see himself as an honest kinda guy, or he's setting the tone for the marriage, he'll know that OP will in fact tolerate infidelity. Or he likes the drama. There's no benefit at all to OP.
OP, you're only a year in, I think you should dump him and find someone better.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/03/2023 19:22

In fact, having read OPs second post, maybe he told OP because he wants to engineer a split so that he can be with OW who he has fancied for a while.
The fact that OP thinks he won't cut contact with OW suggests that OP is not his first choice here.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 03/03/2023 19:23

Staying uncontactable g with her would be a game changer for me. He doesn't have the luxury of this after what happened. He can't just shag someone's apologise and expect everything to go back to normal