DH cheated - do I forgive him?

[ch91566]

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

I agree with other posters about the knee-jerk LTB type of posts but I’m finding it difficult to say anything else. I suspect that they have been friends with benefits for a long time and have paused this when she became unavailable and carried on with it now her situation has changed. It reads like you are the extra in this situation and that’s not good enough.

To accept that sleeping with her was an accident you’re going to have to ignore all the micro decisions and lies that led up to it and continued after the event. And why tell you? To relieve his guilt? To grab the narrative before someone else tells you? It’s certainly not about you and your feelings @ch91566 and it’s not at all clear that this won’t happen again.

I’ve been married 25 years now and if I look back at the challenges life throws up and the adjustments that happen and have to be made in a relationship over the years, I think it would be hard to overcome them on such a wobbly foundation. I really feel for you and I think it’s very tough but in all honesty I would call it a day, especially as he isn’t contrite enough to tell you without prompting that he’s severed contact with her.

To the bin with him.

The fact you are asking this leaves me wondering what other stuff is wrong with your marriage ?
No hun , you should not forgive him , you have been married 1 year and he is already cheating , this is coming from someone who deals with divorces daily , he will do it again and again and he doesn’t love you or he wouldn’t have done it .
throw him out . Move on with your life and don’t waste more time of your life on someone who doesn’t love you at all .

I dispute that he doesn't love her or he wouldn't have done it - that's very black and white thinking and surprising from someone who deals with divorce and all it's nuances everyday.

He made a dick move, which he's owned, but it's the kind of dick move that ends marriages and there's no way around that.

This.
You will get virtually all the same answers, especially stating if he’s done it once he’ll do it again, but that isn’t always true.
For a balanced view my OH had an affair 30 years ago, we’re still happily together and absolutely nothing has happened since.

did he fall??
you dont accidentally sleep with someone.how very noble of him to share his achievements.
forgive him if you want.
Take a look in mirror. focus....and ltb. work on yourself.why would anyone dare treat you so poorly. no

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Your h is showing you clearly where his priorities are - and it's not you. He's putting himself and her above you.

In a year-old marriage?

I'd LTB. You're worth more than this.

Maybe what you call love and what I call love is different. But in 99% of the divorces I deal with if there were issues early on with cheating then they only got worse . I often hear one side saying “ I did it because I don’t think I really loved her as I should “ or “ we shouldn’t have gotten married as I knew he / she wasn’t the one “ .
So maybe you are also right , maybe he does love her but clearly not as he should

He made a dick move

Well he certainly moved his dick ... Inside someone else ... Within a year of marriage .. with a "friend" he was "helping out".

He absolutely cannot be trusted.

And he probably won't even cut ties with his ow, he'll probably string them both along for as long as they both let him. He didnt just shag this woman; he crossed a hundred lines before they fucked.

A year married and yes cheating, can't have boundaries, can't act decently ..... Fk you'd be insane to stay with this dude let alone invest further and esp. not have kids.

What's the point of continuing a marriage with someone so untrustworthy, with such low standards, such a lack of integrity, such shit boundaries and such a lack of loyalty?

You need a decent loyal partner in life full stop, let alone for having kids with.

He's a dud.

I'd like to see his reaction if you fucked a male friend you were "supporting" within a year of being married to him.

I'd doubt you'd stay married long.

"Whoops! I had sex with another woman!" What a fucking cliche. Men don't 'help' a female friend out fo the goodness of their heart. They have a reason to 'help'. Obviously well rewarded. Selfish fucker.

I wouldn’t. You’re young, married a short time, no kids with him.

Divorce should be straightforward.

Go and be free and find somebody decent.

Sorry they can’t sleep together and then keep in contact. He is on two relationships side by side and having the best of everything. You have to leave.

(She is also either extremely vulnerable and/or a right scumbag too, to fuck a man she presumably knows is married. But she's not your problem, he is.)

The only way I would ever consider staying with him is if he cut all contact. If he refuses to do that then he does not value you at all.

Yeah it's funny how few men help out males who aren't their close friends (usually with some reciprocity involved) or females who aren't around their age or younger & attractive, isn't it.

Is this guy seriously suggesting he not even go NC with this woman he's cheated on you with?

He's taking the absolute piss. He was taking the piss when he insisted on pursuing this "friendship" that he knew was crossing lines well before they actually had sex.

Other men would let her find support from her family, friends, agencies etc etc. That's whose job it is..... Not a married man who's not even related to her. The idea he did it because he's just such a good Samaritan is disproven by the fact he's ended up fucking her. And if he's so keen to be charitable why doesn't he volunteer and help a range of people, not just newly single women he's clearly attracted to enough to shag??!!

He's dodgy as fuck.

The fact he did this let alone that he's now not begging on his knees to stay in the marriage and cutting all contact ... Says a lot about your marriage and about him.

Well, people can and do change. But if he’s refusing to cut contact with her after he’s shagged her and you’ve only been married a year? Big NOPE from me.
But, (and this is absolutely not a popular opinion here on MN) so many men just do not think things through. I’ve no idea how or why but consequences, repercussions and empathy seem to be lacking in a lot of men. I would GUARANTEE if you sat him down and explained it from your point of view…..If you, after only a year of marriage had somehow “accidentally” fallen on another man’s cock, oh, but ooops, it was all a mistake and now you were just going to spend time with said om, alone as a “friend” how you he feel? He will see it I think. But, too little, too late. Bin him, he’s a plank.

You may be able to forgive him, but will you ever be able trust him again.

I know my comment might come across a bit harsh but I think you’d be a fool to stay with him. I do agree with the comments that LTB isn’t as easy as it sounds but I can’t think of any other advice.

Myself and DH have been married for almost a year and if he had slept with a female friend and then told me he wouldn’t cut contact as he’s known her longer and just wanted to pretend it didn’t happen I’d probably be speechless and wouldn’t be able to look at him the same.

How would your marriage continue? I can’t for the life of me imagine just forgiving my husband and then him still be texting this woman or seeing her occasionally. I’m sorry but no.

The fact that he felt at liberty to pursue this "friendship" - which must have crossed lines begged they ended up fucking - while married to you, and is now not even offering to cut all contact (?) suggests a power imbalance that had been going on in your marriage for quite a while. He evidently thinks you're off, thinks he's not going to lose you easily ot at all and thinks he can do what he likes and you'll swallow his bullshit and not challenge him or give him ultimatums (like this friendship.... He shouldn't have been the person supporting her, and he most definitely shouldn't have been continuing it when things started going in the direction that culminated with his adultery). There is a incredible disrespect, cavalier attitude and lack of fear of losing you/this marriage coming across here.

As well as his fundamental lack of integrity.

Most people take a few decades to "forget" their wedding vows.... He hasn't even got past a year, and one female "friend" becoming available.

*He evidently thinks you're soft

No, he hasn't said he won't cut contact but he would probably refuse if I asked. He has apologised and does seem remorseful but I'm unsure if he actually would be if I didn't know.

Not that bloody remorseful then is he.

'He didn't mean it to happen'.

Did they both just happen to be somewhere private and take their clothes off for some reason not related to intending to have sex, and he just happened to have an erection and then I presume he slipped and he bumped into her and his penis accidentally penetrated her vagina - once that had happened he didn't like to stop incase she was offended so he stayed to boost her self-esteem.

'Didn't mean it to happen' 😂😂😂😂😂

Chuck him out now. He's a lying cheat and he expects to get away with it. He couldn't care less.

Op, if I heard any man couldn't get past one year married without cheating with a "friend" who'd become single: I'd think they either shouldn't be married to their wife, or they shouldn't be married full stop.

Both those case scenarios include their wife.

And saying they shouldn't be married to their wife is being very kind indeed - because a decent person wouldnt cheat even if they didn't feel the right way about they'd spouse, they would separate and then pursue other relationships.