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Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 03/03/2023 15:13

Don't forgive. Ditch his ass. Move on.

FiddleLeaf · 03/03/2023 15:19

She was in a vulnerable position and he swooped in like a knight in shining armour. It sounds pre meditated & he took his shot as soon as she became single.

I couldn’t get past it but many can.

samqueens · 03/03/2023 15:21

Whatever you decide to do and in whatever timeframe you decide to do it make sure you are in full control of contraception. And don’t be tempted to get pregnant for at least a year if you do decide to work through this and see how things go…

DeeCeeCherry · 03/03/2023 15:22

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler

Not a chance I'd forgive him. He's a creep, at a vulnerable time when her relationship broke down he's swooped in to play the saviour, the end game being he wanted to fuck her. 1 year - you're still in your honeymoon period yet he's done this. He's no respect for you and marriage. I bet he's spinning her some lines too.

If you feel you want to forgive him, then do. It's your marriage after all. Just remember there's no value to spending your life with an idiot, you just end up being a fool for years. Just a case of whether you can cope with that or not.

NowAAT · 03/03/2023 15:28

larkstar · 03/03/2023 15:08

Is he the father of her toddler?

No

MrsRandom123 · 03/03/2023 15:30

sorry not read all of the posts - only you can decide what to do but i wouldn’t forgive my DH now after 15 years of marriage and 3 kids together anymore than i would have after a year of marriage. I’d walk away personally as the trust is gone but relationships can and do recover if you both want to put the work in.

in your case after a year, with a friend who he is meant to be helping? I wouldn’t even consider forgiving him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/03/2023 15:31

NowAAT · 03/03/2023 15:28

No

Show quote history

I think the PP meant is he the father of the other woman's toddler?

cadink · 03/03/2023 15:34

He probably always liked her and then when he got the chance to act on it he did. You deserve so much better than this - you're a year in your marriage I would absolutley divorce him. Find someone you deserve rather than this muppet who will erode your self esteem

Ludo19 · 03/03/2023 15:35

So his cock accidentally slipped into her vag and now he's sorry?? Fuck that OP. You don't just go in shag and sweep it under the carpet. There's what's called a build up and he's not remorseful if he was he'd be taking more accountability.

cadink · 03/03/2023 15:37

Also he won't cut contact, your his wife you should be his priority! He should be begging for you back. Get well rid of him

OhwhyOY · 03/03/2023 15:37

@ch91566 my advice would be to go for some counselling (individual, not couples) to help you process this and decide what you want. You don't need to decide instantly. Counselling will help you manage whatever decision you make in the best way, and if you do decide to try again then you could go for couples counselling. But like others I agree that if he refuses to cut contact with her then that suggests he is prioritising her over you, his wife, which is not acceptable. As others have said, he made a deliberate decision to do what he did, even if it was spur of the moment (which TBH from what you've said I doubt). Don't let him spin it any other way. He made a choice.

Dinersaur · 03/03/2023 15:39

Probably had feelings all along awaiting his chance the dirty fucker.

GG1986 · 03/03/2023 15:40

I wouldn't forgive him, he will do it again if he knows he got away with it and can continue to play happy families. You will also struggle to trust him again. Ultimately though it is your choice x

PolyannaHanna · 03/03/2023 15:40

Go ahead and 'forgive' if you're Ok with being married to someone who is also in love with someone else..because thats how it comes accross..
I wouldnt want to be anyones back-up choice, but we're all different. I think its realistic to expect him to stray again.

Choconut · 03/03/2023 15:42

If he's not prepared to cut all contact then it makes it an easy one to me. How are you going to feel every time you know he's seeing her?

You seem to be saying that if you made him choose between your marriage and his 'friendship' with her then he'd choose her. Surely that tells you everything you need to know?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 03/03/2023 15:50

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 14:32

Is this a big deal to you OP?

I ask because you don't seem especially hurt, shocked or upset in your posts but I appreciate that not everyone pours their heart out on here.

I think OP sounds very much in shock.

Ah well, I interpreted it differently.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 03/03/2023 15:52

Why has he been helping with her toddler? Is there any chance he is the child's father?

That was my first thought too.

If you cheated on him with a male friend, he certainly wouldn't accept it if you continued being 'close friends' after.

^^ This.

Total forgiveness is impossible in my experience.

You might be able to forgive, but it's much more difficult to forget.

Tgif2023 · 03/03/2023 15:57

I would ditch his arse.
I hope you are managing ok @ch91566 💐

IamnotSethRogan · 03/03/2023 15:58

He doesn't get to stay friends with the women he cheated on you with.

I don't think everything is very black and white and only you know if you can move past this. But I don't know how you could move past it if she's still in both of your lives.

zingally · 03/03/2023 15:58

If you've only been married a year, and he's already been unfaithful... It doesn't exactly bode well for the future now, doesn't it?

Murdoch1949 · 03/03/2023 15:58

The only possibility for forgiveness would be if he agreed to never see or contact this woman again. Even so, it's so early in your marriage that it indicates his lack of respect for you. I'd end it.

MrsMechanic · 03/03/2023 16:02

From experience, he won't really cut contact even if he says he has. She'll still be there somewhere in the background. You won't fully trust him like you did.
You are worth more than this. You can't accidentally have sex with someone. And he's only confessed because of guilt.

Justalittlebitduckling · 03/03/2023 16:02

How can you not mean to sleep with someone? Sounds like a very unfortunate accident!

Im sorry, but it doesn’t sound like he’s taking responsibility for his behaviour.

Duckswaddle · 03/03/2023 16:04

Seriously? These pricks are always so sorry aren’t they.
Cut him loose or you’ll be back in the same place after another “accident”. And probably with the same person.

Hearmeout · 03/03/2023 16:07

I kissed someone I didn't know whilst very very drunk and during an awful time of life last year, I admitted it to my DH immediately, I'd never looked at another man for all the time we've been together and to be fair didn't really look at this one either it was a stupid, selfish, drunken thing to do in a reckless moment that I owned immediately. Six months on he is still struggling to forgive me though we're trying to work through it...there's no way in hell he would forgive me if I'd slept with anyone and I wouldn't him either - particularly somebody he has been close to all these years and who will still be in his life. At best he's an opportunist who took his chance to have extra marital sex when the situation presented itself, at worst he planned/orchestrated it and is interested and invested in her. Sadly this is a no win.

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