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Original poster

DH cheated - do I forgive him?

527 replies

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 11:14

Looking for some advice as I'm stuck at what to do.

Me and DH got married a year ago, he is close friends with a woman that he met at uni, they've always been close but I've never had a problem with this as she was in a relationship and I know her but we aren't close.

She's recently split with her partner so DH has been there to support her and help with her toddler.

DH has admitted that they slept together but has said he didn't mean for it to happen, it was a mistake and won't happen again etc.

I'm not sure what to think, do I forgive him? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
BishopRock · 03/03/2023 14:39

After a year? No, that'd be it for me.

I suspect with this amount of self control, and your forgiveness, it won't be long before he does it again.

OopsAnotherOne · 03/03/2023 14:39

An accident is dropping a glass or leaving the fridge door open, having sex with a friend of his and cheating on you is not accidental. People don't just have sex, there is a lead up, both parties have to indicate they are interested in each other in that way, there is flirting, it doesn't just accidentally happen. He made the decision to be unfaithful to you so soon into your marriage, that (to me) would be unforgivable.

Would you ever find yourself in the position of accidentally having sex, OP? It's unlikely right? Because sex doesn't happen by accident - you wouldn't go for coffee with a male friend you have no feelings for and then end up shagging before proclaiming "shit! How did this happen! Why are we shagging?! What an accident this was!" because you know, as well as he does, that's not how things happen. Hugs OP and best of luck in sorting this out x

MyOtherUsernameIsDave · 03/03/2023 14:40

So he seems a bit sorry, wants to pretend it never happened and won’t cut contact.

And, you’re just going to put up with that? Confused

NotyourMrs · 03/03/2023 14:42

MyOtherUsernameIsDave · 03/03/2023 14:40

So he seems a bit sorry, wants to pretend it never happened and won’t cut contact.

And, you’re just going to put up with that? Confused

This sums it up.

ConcordeOoter · 03/03/2023 14:45

No, he hasn't said he won't cut contact but he would probably refuse if I asked

Yeah, this shouldn't even be an option if you are married and have cheated with that person - something is very wrong.

Frankly it's best to nip this sort of thing in the bud before you walk down the aisle, you voluntarily give up friends of your partner's sex being "priority one" when you get married, not to mention women who are disapproved of or who would be disapproved of if she knew what you really get up to with them! A bit of forsaking all others at the start goes a long way to preventing the tragedy of "accidental" infidelity.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 03/03/2023 14:47

NO NO NO he disrespected you and is trying to make it seem like he did something small. He broke your vows and disrespected the trust you had in their friendship. To hell with them both. Move on as you will never be confident in your relationship ever again or be able to trust anything the lying cheating scumbag says.

StickofVeg · 03/03/2023 14:47

So sorry

StickofVeg · 03/03/2023 14:50

So sorry you are in this situation OP. I would cut my losses and run. If he can't stay faithful you'll always be on edge and nervous. Every time he works late, goes to a conference, has to work away you'll wonder. Don't do that to yourself would be my advice.

Hiddenvoice · 03/03/2023 14:50

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s easy to say walk away but when it’s happening to you, it’s not as easy and clear cut.

I think there might be more to the story than he is letting on. He cheated, he did something wrong and should be begging for your forgiveness. He should be telling you that he will never see her again and will cut contact because he values your marriage and doesn’t want to mess up again. The fact that he has said that the two of them have discussed it and will pretend that it never happened is just not enough.

Yes he was a supportive friend in her time of need but as you said, she has other friends and family to care for the child, he didn’t have to go. That to me, sounds like an excuse and he was always planning to go and hang out with her.

I think you need to take some time to think about what you want. Tell him to sleep somewhere else for a few nights. Do you have anyone in real life that you can talk to about it? He has broken your trust, he has been with another woman. I’m sorry but take your time to think everything through.

singer15 · 03/03/2023 14:52

He knew there was a risk of this and instead of putting an end to it, allowed it to happen. That's no mistake. He then tried to minimise the situation and expects you to trust him again (Why? He has shown he's unworthy of your trust!) and simply pretend it never happened while he continues to see this woman. He's trying to have his cake and eat it, too. He's not a faithful man.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 03/03/2023 14:53

So sorry this has happened to you OP.
He has been a traditional cheating bastard and you had the right to expect much better of him.

If sex happened 'accidentally' this time... then of course it could happen 'accidentally' again at any time. One cannot prevent an accident easily or permanently without changing things.
In order for this 'accident' not to recur he would need to take precautions: e.g. never meeting her without you again. If this isn't in his plan - then he is allowing himself opportunities for other 'accidents' .

It sounds to me as if he has actually been a bastard to you and OW. He cheated on you and has set things up for himself to be free to do so again. YUCK

He went round to this friend when she was distressed and vulnerable and alone and no doubt feeling unloved and insecure due to her own partner cheating. (Accidental? I suspect not. You did note that he was offering more 'support' than seemed necessary from him. ) She is to blame for her own actions of course but he does seem to made her misery his opportunity.

Wheresthebeach · 03/03/2023 14:53

Nope. Cut your losses and run. Cheating after a year is just gross.

FartSock5000 · 03/03/2023 14:54

@ch91566 absolutely not.

You are worth more than this. There is a saying "we accept the love we think we deserve" and it's true. Please love yourself enough to reject a lying, cheating wanker who KNEW he was going to cheat the moment he answered the ex's pitiful woe-is-me message about her split. He knew driving over there to 'support' her he was going to do more. It was an opportunity and he targeted a vulnerable woman while lying and disrespecting your marriage.

He is utter trash and you should kick him out and move on or you'll regret it so hard down the line when he's done it again and again.

DrManhattan · 03/03/2023 14:54

No. If you take him back it will always be there and he will know that you are a walk over. I'd move on.

ButterCrackers · 03/03/2023 14:55

That’s nasty of your dh. Get an std check up. Do not put up with this cheating. You deserve better. Time to move on and find someone who respects you.

Lambchop1 · 03/03/2023 14:56

I would end it, as honestly I couldn’t live in my home with him knowing he had done this, all trust would be gone. He has most likely always fancied this friend and then took the opportunity when it came along . The sex was probably awful and he has now fessed up as it’s no longer what he wants.

lobeliasb · 03/03/2023 14:58

He couldn't even stay faithful during just a year of marriage? I'm sorry but that's just pathetic. He's pathetic. If you stick with him, the cheating will continue for the rest of your lives together.

Divorcedalongtime · 03/03/2023 14:59

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 12:05

We were together for 2.5 years before we got married, I do have a DS but he isn't his bio father but apart from that, he acts like he is as he's been in his life since he was 10 months.

I didn't suspect anything, he admitted it which makes me more unsure of what to do as he was obviously feeling guilty enough about it to tell me.

He admitted it to ease his guilt, so he feels better and now you feel shit.
he doesn’t sound like a person you can trust, it will happen again and again I say.

Scottishskifun · 03/03/2023 15:00

ch91566 · 03/03/2023 13:56

No, he hasn't said he won't cut contact but he would probably refuse if I asked. He has apologised and does seem remorseful but I'm unsure if he actually would be if I didn't know.

Her relationship (ironically) ended as her partner had also cheated

I think it's asking him the question does he value the friendship over your marriage.

If he refuses then you have your answer straight away to its not worth your emotional and mental health trying to move past it.
If he agrees then you can decide if you want to work on it.

Mumsgirls · 03/03/2023 15:00

Forty years ago I had this in a two year marriage. I thought then and still do that you don’t risk what you truly value. Hence in both our cases husband was prepared to risk losing us, so could not truly love us. I divorced and never regretted it for a moment. I am now a happy grandma from a second marriage. Please don’t settle for this, you are worth more.

whatadayforadaydream · 03/03/2023 15:04

Also the fact he is down playing it as an "accident" is worrying. It means he doesn't hold himself accountable for it in any way. If he doesn't consider himself responsible for it now what would stop it happening again? That's the thingabout accidents, they aren't intentional so you have no real control over them hppening again. Run OP.

mybunniesandme · 03/03/2023 15:07

Mumsgirls · 03/03/2023 15:00

Forty years ago I had this in a two year marriage. I thought then and still do that you don’t risk what you truly value. Hence in both our cases husband was prepared to risk losing us, so could not truly love us. I divorced and never regretted it for a moment. I am now a happy grandma from a second marriage. Please don’t settle for this, you are worth more.

Wonderfully put

No one accidentally cheats. And the fact you don't think he'll cut ties with her indicates where he places you in the hierarchy

Bogofftosomewherehot · 03/03/2023 15:07

You're only a year into your marriage.
You doubt he'll cut off contact.
It was a "mistake".
He's only sharing as he feels guilty.

Run for the hills. If he's this selfish after a year and you forgive him, what happens in 5, 10, 20 years?

I'm sorry this has happened to you but I would cut my losses now. He's shown his colours and no matter how much they try to "pretend it never happened" it actually did! Plus, she's admitted to fancying him... she can't be trusted either.

larkstar · 03/03/2023 15:08

Is he the father of her toddler?

Zizz · 03/03/2023 15:10

Rose424 · 03/03/2023 14:15

OP is probably coming over as passive because of the shock and not knowing which way us up at the moment.

Well, we can't accuse her DH of not knowing which way is up!