Borrowed money from my mum

[Finallyoutofthewoods]

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

I find it odd that your Mum would want this money back from you, rather than just being happy to make it a gift, seeing as she is so comfortable financially.

If I was your Mum, I'd have said from the outset that it was a loan, and helped you more when you were struggling.

The fact that she didn't help you more when you were struggling, makes it even more impressive that you have paid off so much debt, all from your own hard work.

I think given you speak freely about wills and so on, I would have that conversation. Let her know that you finally feel like you have your life back and that if you were to start paying off her loan, you would be struggling again. Maybe she doesn't realise how hard this would be.

I know a lot of people have different opinions and money is a tricky one, but I do think perhaps have the conversation about Wills, and otherwise, offer to pay back at a small amount a month. You never know, the offer of being paid back might actually make your Mum say not to worry about it.

Good luck and well done for getting back on track financially. It sounds like it's been really hard.

Thanks everyone for nice and not so nice comments

Im going to ask Mum if we can have a chat about it all. Ultimately what I would like to do is clear this last part of credit card debt and discuss how or what she would like to do regarding the £10k. I am more than happy to set up a payment plan to her BUT would also like for the first time in my adult life to feel some financial freedom - I’d like to go on holiday, I’d love to go out for dinner without it being that I feel guilty afterwards. I want some savings so I have something to fall back on - and I’d like to start doing all that now really. So I’ll see what Mum is happy with.

I would offer 50 a month if its the principle for her.
I totally get it OP. We expect our patents to help if they can.

Oh dear!
It doesn't come down to " I want" though.
Wouldn't we all like xyz?
That's not how financial freedom works.

This is it - if it had been one of my kids I would have written it off.
Except you wouldn't and won't have done this as you don't have a spare 10K
Time to be realistic

OP you've done well to get out of so much debt and with young DC.

Explained like that I cannot imagine your mum insisting on the lump sum being paid back asap or at all.

I meant to say that if I was your Mum I would have said from the outset it wasn't a loan - not was

It sounds like you just took not intending to pay it back. You paid off tens of thousands in only about 2 years are so paying off the final 10k really shouldn’t feel that bad.
You can go on holiday and spend freely after that.

BUT would also like for the first time in my adult life to feel some financial freedom - I’d like to go on holiday, I’d love to go out for dinner without it being that I feel guilty afterwards. I want some savings so I have something to fall back on - and I’d like to start doing all that now really

But you are £10,000 in debt. Christ Almighty. You want savings and holidays while you owe your Mum ten grand that you promised you would pay back. Just because it is your Mum and not a financial institution does not give you a get out of jail free card. The entitlement is unreal.

Sorry - I meant to quote my own post not yours when I was correcting myself!

I think the plan you mention is a good one. You deserve some financial freedom and to feel the benefits of your hard work.

See what your Mum says - if she was hard up herself it would be different but you not paying it back won't make a difference to her day to day at all.

And yes - I actually do pay more than half of all outgoings in my DPs home. And solely pay for extra things such as streaming subscriptions, have updated all the bedrooms etc etc

Maybe your mother finds it exhausting that you still haven’t learned financial responsibility. Why are you doing things like redecorating your boyfriends house when you are still in debt? But at the same time crying poverty about not being able to have a meal out or go on holiday.

The issue is that you haven't discussed it with her.
I'd offer to repay her very slowly at an interest rate of 1%.
I'd suggest 10 or 15 years or even 20yrs, depending on how old she is!
Make some suggestions and give her some figures and then give her time to think about it.
Don't make it a decision there and then.

I have read most of the thread but not all of it so this might have been said already but first of all have you acknowledged what a big personal achievement it was to go from the position you were in to the position you are in now - almost free from debt. That alone should be a source of pride. I think that having paid of the remaining other debt, paying of or making a plan to pay of the debt to your mum would be a good thing to do- if only for the weight of your mind. That's why a plan to pay make the debt by increments would be good - it might be a drop in the ocean to your mum but would be freeing for you.

Giving money to a sibling is a very different dynamic to parent and child (albeit adult child). I lent my sister a few hundred pounds once with a promise by her to paying it back, which never materialised but had I given it to my mum I would have waived it anyway. Ironic really as my mum wouldn’t waive it for me.

Yeah, I think talking to her about is the thing to do. Morally, you do need to pay it back, but if you tell her what you’ve said here - that spending every cent on clearing debt results in a fairly miserable life - hopefully she’ll be flexible about a repayment schedule that will enable you to live life a bit while still meeting your obligation.

well done on clearing your other debts. People don’t think about that aspect of financial abuse, how it hangs around long after the relationship.

There are some really unpleasant people here today.

The OP was left penniless after an abusive marriage failed. She's paid back a HUGE amount of debt by her own sheer hard work.

In the meantime, her mother sat back and watched her go to foodbanks, so she could feed her children, but was happy to support her sibling who lived at home, and buy them brand new cars every now and then (not as a loan- as a gift!)

There is clearly some favouritism going on here by the bucket load.

I've given both my DCs a LOT of early inheritance - far more then the OP's 'loan'. Yes, I could have kept it for myself, for a care home, but I'd rather my DCs used it now for their own homes. Nothing makes me happier TBH than seeing my DCs have their own homes and me feeling I've helped them. (They both have huge mortgages.)

I don't see how any parent who is well off like the OP's mum can be so mean as to insist on repayment, when she's given away far more to another child, and the OP has been through a hell of a time with her abusive ex.

Her mom might tell a very different story. There are a lot of red flags in Ops version of events. Her mom helped her out at a time when she needed it and she has had an interest free loan for 5 years. Asking for money from someone as a loan when you have no intention of paying it back...is a really awful way to treat family.

This!

A lot of people bashing the mum, she might be thinking 'oh when OP mentions the £10k I will write it off'.

Just speak to your mum OP, thank her, tell her what you can afford monthly whilst still being able to enjoy life, and see what she says. She probably just wants to know it's not been taken for granted.

I'd probably not mention the will, that doesn't sit well with me personally but you know what your family is like in regards to this stuff.

But the Op isnt showing financial sense.
She's paid back the money but now thinks she shouldn't have to pay her mother back because she wants meals out and holidays.

There is zero talk of securing her future financially, she's spent money on redecoration for a house that isn't even hers.
Like heck would I be enabling this.

Just remember op to think about how grateful you felt when your mother gave you the 10K because she didn't have to at all, she's not the bad guy here, keep that in mind during your conversation.

If the OP is declaring herself debt free before even discussing repaying the 10k to her mother then it’s easy to see why that could be extremely aggravating for her mother. Even if she doesn’t intend the OP to pay it all back that would be irritating that it’s not even viewed as a debt.

You're being disrespectful to your mum. You've paid off other debts but are trying to get out of repaying her. She helped you out when you needed it. Now you are in a place to repay, so do so, monthly if must. Do not assume she's going to leave you anything in her will, that's rude. Who knows, your mum may say that you don't need to repay, but whatever happens, it's a debt, you accepted the money, said you'd repay when you could, you now can.

Pay her back.

Dont even mention the will, its disgusting.

Theres a good chance she just wants to see you pay it back and she might well just gift it to you back as a lump sum.

Yeah, this doesn't really make sense to me either.

You got into debt, you borrowed money, you need to sort it out and repay it.

When you owe money it’s not about what YOU want unfortunately.