Borrowed money from my mum

[Finallyoutofthewoods]

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

I am so sorry for what you have been through. It is hard to imagine a grandmother not intervening to help feed her DGC when the alternative is food banks.

The convo you are about to have is a good idea, but the tone matters. I agree that you still owe the £10K and it is your mum’s decision whether to forgive it. Given the extra support you say your parents have provided your sister I hope she will, once you show willing.

If she doesn’t it could it be about the fact that you are investing in your DP’s house? You are helping with the mortgage and have invested in decorating. Will you see a return on those investments? If not, ‘helping with the mortgage’ is a form of rent enriching only DP. The decorating and also the streaming services are just acts of generosity.

If DP isn’t providing a degree of home equity to match your mortgage contributions, maybe you could scale back there to pay your mum? Because he could have been doing something savvy with your ‘mortgage contributions’ (ie rent) for all this time, such as accelerating his own payments to increase his equity.

If you have been gaining equity in DP’s house with your payments, maybe you can cut a break with him to pay off your mum?

Also if you go the route of loan forgiveness in the will you will need to keep in mind that if we have another significant period of inflation forgiving 10K of today’s money could mean foregoing double or triple this amount in the long term future. Solicitors and accountants have formulas.

TL;DR. If your mum really does not want to forgive this maybe DP would help, because it sounds like you have been helping him.

Just pay her back. I get it, you want nice stuff again. But you've cleared 30k in 2 years and you're making a whole situation about paying back 10k, which at your current rate you can do in less than a year. Less if your 30k had interest on top and the 10k doesnt.

Its not on to ask your mum to wait 2.5 years from now to get it back.

Yure currently paying about £1200 per month. Pay her £1000 if you really want a few treats and you can still pay it back within a year. Dont take the piss out of her generosity as it's a slap in the face to prioritise her when she was there for you..its about respect.

Wow what have I read. You got into debt not her. You can go out for dinner and holidays when you aren’t in debt. How come you can quite happily pay other debt companies off but you can’t pay your mum back. Shocking. You don’t have any intention to pay her do you.

Picking up on something else you said OP, what are you doing to protect your financial position now? What if you and your partner break up and you’ve been paying his mortgage off? You’ll be out of pocket and homeless

I think if I was your Mum I’d probably just let it go. But on paper, and if I didn’t know your Mums circumstances I’d say the general rule applies that if you borrow money then you repay it. I think your comment about not being happy about not being able to “live” is a bit 😳 given that’s life if you owe money - you simply have to live within your means. Maybe your Mum is picking up on this and that’s actually what’s nagging at her - she knows you still owe her the money so she feels you aren’t actually in the clear yet.

This too. If I was your Mum I’d be more concerned about this.

Completely agree - she sounds massively entitled - like just because her mum has money that she won’t miss the £10,000 that she borrowed from her.

My advice would be, speak to your mum and suggest the deduction in the will. Worst that can happen is she says no and you will have to start paying her back what you can afford.

Also big congrats on getting yourself out that awful situation, I bet it’s not been easy at all and I feel like that needs to be said

You've done incredibly well to haul yourself out of the extreme debt situation that you were in.

It's sad to read that your mum has financially favoured your sister for quite a while yet has allowed you and your children to need to use food banks. (Im assuming she knew about this.)

Certainly ask your mum to deduct the money from your potential inheritance but , remember, you asked for a loan and you promised to pay it back.

I'd not be asking for it back as I'd be wanting you to enjoy some financial freedom and want you to be able to treat your family accordingly, particularly after the storms that you faced.

See what she says.

I think you are being really unfair to your Mum by not making an effort to pay her back and by expecting her to give you the money. If she wanted to give you the money she would have done so it's unfair of you to have dragged this out.

You said you've done up bedrooms and that you pay for streaming services so, maybe, from her point of view you are choosing to spend your money of other things and not pay her back.

My Mum gets pestered for cash by some of my siblings and it's really awkward because the more she gives the more they ask.

Your Mum is going to give her money to you but not now.

I think it's really shady of people to borrow money and to not make any effort to pay it back.

Also, I don't think it's unusual to sort out POAs and to talk about willls etc. I know not ever family does but plenty do.

Paying it back at £100 a month will take ages. By not paying any interest you will effectively be paying a lot less than you borrowed.

Have you booked a holiday recently?

You sound like my sister, incredibly entitled. Everybody would like to be able to spend more and have financial freedom - but that's not how the world works. You are 10K in debt - do what everyone else does and wait until you are not 10K in debt to go on a holiday.

My sister spent irresponsibly her whole life and now resents having to pay back my mum 10K, when I have done a fraction of the things she has (haven't been on holiday, haven't bought expensive things) and as a result don't owe my mum 10K. However, if you asked her she'd play a sob story and say she needed it and I didn't (which is rubbish, her lifestyle is more expensive than mine, because I am realistic).

And you're probably not actually privy to all the details you think you are. If your mum has a giant house it's probably 600+ per month on just bills. And are you 100% certain her pension continues until she dies? It sounds unlikely.

(That doesn't take away from your achievements clearing the rest of your debt - you've done amazingly, and deserve congratulations. But that doesn't change the situation now!)

You are not being unreasonable, but and this being said , she expects it back and you know it’s there . I would offer her a token payment of £84 a month ( roughly £1000 a year ) and tell her how much you appreciate her help and that you own up to it , but that although you have paid your debt you don’t have much spare cash and you don’t want to deprive the children for god knows how many years .
My grandmother was like this towards my dad , despite having no other kids . Ended up loosing al her money in old age through a scam and my dads ended up having to sell her home to pay for her care in her last few years . It’s sad really as I don’t have many good memories of her , if any . All I remember is she had so much and gave so little .
Contrary to her , my maternal grandmother would give you anything she could , she worked her whole life after my grandad passed away when she was just 40 and helped her children and grandchildren in anything she could . she passed away in my early 20s and I’m in my 40s and I’m yet to meet someone else go didn’t love her . I still miss her dearly and appreciate immensely everything she has done for me .
Unfortunately some people were not born to be parents or grandparents, you where unlucky to have one as a mum

@Mum23amazingkids she’s unlucky to have a mum like that? The fact that her mum lent her £10,000 in the first place and hasn’t mentioned her paying it back yet gives her bonus points I reckon 😂

Yes it’s nice for parents to help out their adult children if and when they can, but it’s not an obligation. OP got herself into debt, it’s not her mum’s responsibility to get her out of it.

I’m a mum myself and personally I would never let my child or grandchildren use a food bank . So yes , think what you wish , but her mum doesn’t come across as very caring or maternal .
I know nobody has an obligation to help their grownup children , but what kind of mother allows them to go without so badly either ?

This.

I feel sorry for people on this thread who clearly come from families that treat each other like strangers. It's weird to me as I come from a family where you absolutely help each other out whenever possible. It's simply impossible to imagine that my parents would happily watch me use a good bank with my kids while they spent £8K on blinds.

food bank*

Some harsh responses on here. I think you deserve a medal for picking yourself up and rebuilding your life, clearing debts etc. It’s definitely relevant that your mother is evidently not short of money ( nor seems to have ever been) - but perhaps that partly explains her apparent lack of understanding or sympathy ( even the fact you had to ask for the loan seems odd to me!!). It would be wonderful if she could be generous and write the loan off , and I also think the Will idea/ suggestion is good. I do think it would be worth explaining how difficult things have been and how much you appreciated her help though , as that might sway things/ help her to view it differently. Ultimately though , as you have acknowledged, if she wants the money returned you will have to do so ( perhaps at £50 a month?!) Good luck.

and I quote..

I feel sorry for people on this thread who clearly come from families that treat each other like strangers. It's weird to me as I come from a family where you absolutely help each other out whenever possible. It's simply impossible to imagine that my parents would happily watch me use a good bank with my kids while they spent £8K on blinds.

I agree with you 100%, my family is like this also, well was, both parents now no longer here but they would never ever have chosen blinds over me or my sister going to a foodbank, good god!

Isn't this all hypothetical? the OP has not actually asked her mum about the money, I am hoping her mum says she doesn't want it back.

“I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that”

Why are you paying towards his mortgage rather than saving up towards the deposit for the future joint house mortgage?

Tell her you’ll pay her back £50 a month. At least it’s something. She could write it off if she wanted to be nice, but that’s her call.

Your so sure their will be any will for you .....if she becomes ill and needs to be placed in a care home they take the lot to cover costs.

I'd be surprised if she left anything in a will as she hasn't helped much while alive. My parents wouldn't even allow me to ask for money, they would have offered straight away.

I feel sorry for people on this thread who clearly come from families that treat each other like strangers. It's weird to me as I come from a family where you absolutely help each other out whenever possible. It's simply impossible to imagine that my parents would happily watch me use a good bank with my kids while they spent £8K on blinds.

100% agree with this. I am genuinely gobsmacked by the general consensus of this thread, and the cold, transactional attitudes.

It would of course be completely different if the OPs mother was struggling herself, or has finally grown tired of a lifetime of feckless, irresponsible behaviour by the OP. But the idea that as a mother I wouldn't do absolutely everything in my power to make life better for a grown up child - and grandchildren - who had been dealt a shitty hand by life is genuinely inconceivable to me.

Could you offer to pay back but add interest to the 10k? if you want to pay a lower monthly amount. it could be like an investment for her but give you a chance to get on with life more. Or the will idea. I think it depends what she accepts but hope she will find a compromise with you