Borrowed money from my mum

[Finallyoutofthewoods]

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

I'm the mum in this situation. We lent a similar sum of money to one of our children a few years ago with the proviso that it would be paid back when they were in a better financial position. We also helped out with smaller amounts when they were struggling, which were gifts.

They are now in a better position but no offer of repayment has been made. We can write off the money (and fully intended to do so) but it's the fact that the offer hasn't been made that rankles. The fact that we can afford it is irrelevant. It's disappointing that no offer has been forthcoming.

OP you borrowed the money and your mum was generous enough to lend it. She didn't have to. Don't make her the villain here and offer to pay it back. And if she chooses to write it off that's great but if she doesn't there is nothing wrong in that. It was a loan. If you'd borrowed it from a bank you would have to pay it back. It's her choice about whether it's paid back not yours and you should respect that.

@Finallyoutofthewoods I've been 100% behind you.

Now you are back and posting...

are you sure that your mum gets £60K pa as half your dad's pension?

I won't give my own figures, but that is a huge amount and your dad would have needed several £million in a pension pot if £60K is what she is drawing down annually from it.

Was he always a very high earner?

If your mum never worked, and he was earning a LOT, then it's clear she has no understanding of the emotional turmoil you have been through.

Posters are saying she was generous but quite frankly, £10K is peanuts when she has so much income.

That's not what the OP said happened @mewkins.

@Finallyoutofthewoods

Your Mum should be so proud of you finally clearing your debts through sheer hard work. If I were her, I'd be saying 'scrub the debt and while you're at it here's another £10K, I am so proud of you,'

I have adult children. I have helped them out from time to time. I give them the money apart from once, when eldest DC had a loan from me and once she got a better paying job, she paid me back over 2 years. However, she was never in the financial straits you were.

I just can't imagine being in the position of your DM with all that money and not giving some to you during such difficult times.

*she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension , my late father's pension"

Nonsensical remark. If she receives a £60 K private pension, why call it "the equivalent of a salary"?

• well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s -

I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension.*

Your mother receives a full state pension because your father had one. Widows of her generation who never worked outside the home "inherit" their husbands full state pension. Despite having no history of NI contributions.

And I don't think anyone can assume that op's mum can afford to write off £10k.

She receives a generous pension but won't be able to touch the capital.

She owns her house outright, as many retired people do, but that isn't the same as cash in the bank either.

OP doesn't know how much she's got in savings.

She obviously uses her income to save up for things she wants - a new car, conservatory blinds - but that doesn't mean she can afford to lose £10k.

And apart from anything, mn is vilifying this woman who actually hasn't - and may not - ask for it back.

Pay her back. She helped you out in your time of need, why wouldn't you pay her back now when you're in a position to do so? Don't take advantage of your mom like that.

It's irrelevant whether her mum can afford to part company with 10k or not.
The fact remains that the op borrowed the money.
If she had borrowed 10k from a bank, would you be telling her not to bother repaying it became 10k to a bank is peanuts, or castigating the bank for asking for repayment? Of course you wouldn't.
There is no difference, she borrowed the money, it needs repaying and until it is, then it's a debt.

This. I certainly wouldn’t be expecting my own child to repay anything if I could afford to help out. I think it’s an awful thing to do to your struggling child. Well done to you OP for sorting yourself out. I hope your mum does the decent thing and forgives the loan.

I'd pay back the money I owed. Why would you treat this debt differently to any other?

I'd prioritise paying Debt back to my family over days out etc.

obviously paying it off in one go might be impossible but surely you can pay whatever you were paying to the other debts?

Her financial standing doesn't have any relevance. You borrowed the money and agreed to pay it back

@GoodChat but op did learn because she cleared her debts.

Except she wants to not pay back 10k worth of her debt?

But would she have done if her mom had given her money for bills and food etc as others are suggesting?

To be fair I don’t think this a judgemental comment, it’s a factual one. It was her late dads pension.
OP, Well done on turning your life around.
As another poster said, you could have a conversation with her and ask her if she’d leave you less in her will. She may be waiting for you to speak to her about it She might write it off but you’ll never know until you ask her.
We’ve lent both of our daughters significant sums of cash over the years, and will always be happy to lend it but they always pay us back.

It doesn't really matter how the OP came about using a food bank does it? Would you knowingly have your child and grandchildren rely on a food bank if you afford to provide food for them? Regardless of whether you had previously leant them money to clear debt/stay in their home? I wouldn't. I guess some would consider it a life lesson.

Two things OP...

Anyone saying you aren’t being financially independent / are responsible for your own situation are the very ones to pipe up with LTB. Do they have any idea how hard it is to actually do that? No a fucking clue! You’ve worked your way back from oblivion. Well done!

I’m in the same boat with my parents. They are sitting on stacks of money. My dad did very well out of a career that way not much hard work (Civil Sevice), retired early & became a consultant on big bucks. Fair play to him. My mother went back to work when we finished school.

I’ve always worked. Not the kind of career that many of my friends / their friends children have. I’m in a creative field that ebbs & flows. I take on seasonal work between gigs. My DH isn’t rich, either. Most of my mates have gotten their education / house / car with help from the Bank of Mum & Dad.

Like you, any help I’ve had (when desperate), I’ve paid back. They don’t need the money. But I’m too proud. My sister isn’t like me. She’s more than happy to stick her hand out. They paid for Uni, she’s bought two homes, they gave her a car & paid for her gap year. None of my business, but Dad told me.

Dad & I often talk finances / tax etc (he helps me with my freelance work, he’s an accountant). He frequently worries about what he’ll do with his money. They get new kitchens / garden / bathrooms / curtains etc just to offload some cash. Mum looks at my place & says it’s pity we don’t own it or can’t do it up nicely, like they do.

They go on several holidays per year (cruises etc) & bemoan the cost of this or that. We haven’t been on holiday for five years, but got away for a little break recently. Much needed... But Mum & Dad kept asking how much we’d spent on this or that. And that haven’t we got bills to pay? We’re eating our kitchen bare, because we went away.

Dad actually said that DH must have the “life of Riley” as he went to the pub to see the football last week. They are good to us in so many ways, but these comments really upset me. We both work hard. We’re just at the wire most months because of COL. Mum & Dad are so-called Boomers. I love them, but they just don’t get it...

I took a loan out for my car since long run this works out cheaper than car finance with the interest rate being better - car finance would have cost thousands more. I HAD to do this as my old car with 130k miles on the clock cut out on the motorway twice and was deemed uneconomical to repair by our garage and unsafe for me to drive long distance anymore - massive electric failure. I also receive car allowance from my new job to pay for a suitable car that is capable of covering the 20k+ motorway miles per annum - and the entire car allowance payment pays for my car. So what’s the problem with this? It’s a loan, that is in my name but essentially paid for by my job.

Not that I need to justify to anyone as to why I moved in with DP but as you are so desperate to know - he has a home that suits all of ours, his children and my children’s needs with also being close to their respective schools. And yes - I actually do pay more than half of all outgoings in my DPs home. And solely pay for extra things such as streaming subscriptions, have updated all the bedrooms etc etc

I know if I was in your Mum's very fortunate financial position I would write off the 10k. In fact I would have helped you to hang onto your house.

I would be so proud of how hard you have worked to get yourself out of debt I would tell you to forget the loan. But, I would make sure I gave an equal amount to my other DC either by way of a cash gift now or via my Will.

If I had £80k pa in pensions without no mortgage I would definitely be helping my DC now, when they needed it and when I had the pleasure of seeing how it impacts positively on theirs and my DGC's lives.

Offer to pay her back £100 a month. Then you can live and pay it down. Maybe say you will pay bigger amounts when you can.

Why do you respect random companies enough to repay what you owe to them but not your own mother?

yes she absolutely gets this much - my dad was on a 6 figure salary for much of his career

"with NO mortgage" that should say.

It isn't just about money. It is about having yourself on the major bills and utilities to rebuild credit. You are effectively paying him rent - you have no ownership in this house and are not building equity. It is about creating stability for your kids - something they don't appear to have ever had.

You really need to talk to a financial advisor. This relationship could end in months or a year or two and you are going to be right back in a position of residential and financial instability.

You should also talk to a therapist.

Some of these comments are so nasty.
OP you’ve done so well to get your life back after abuse.

Maybe have a chat with your mum and see what she’d be happy accepting as a payment plan to repay it?

You’ve done really well to clear so much debt, and I really do sympathise with your feeling so fed up about the sacrifices you’ve made.

But your debt now isn’t £2,000, it’s £12,000. You’ve worked hard and decreased your debt from £38,000 to £12,000. You borrowed it from your mum with a promise to pay it back, you need to honour that promise.

Your mum may decide to write it off, but that’s her decision to make, not yours.