Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Borrowed money from my mum

669 replies

Finallyoutofthewoods · 03/03/2023 10:56

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

OP posts:
pantherrose · 04/03/2023 14:19

@NattyNamechanger

I know nothing about conservatory blinds having never bought them (thankfully if that's what they cost 😱) but OP was perhaps clumsily using them to illustrate that they were expensive and that her mum is financially comfortable. No where did she say that it was wrong for her to have bought them.

If she was feeding her kids from a food bank and my mother was dropping 8k on 2 blinds, regardless of the fact that she has every right to do so, it would be normal to feel a little sad as she watched her grandchildren doing without ( food, not blinds...)

Op has not said she won't pay her mother back, but after 5 years of struggle, Its understandable that she'd be yearning for a respite for herself and particularly for her children.

Perhaps her mum would be amenable to monthly repayments starting 6 months from now, which would give OP a little breathing space and mum the reassurance that OP hasn't forgotten her and is acting with integrity. As other posters have said, she may be surprised by her response and at the very least it demonstrates her appreciation.

pantherrose · 04/03/2023 14:21

Her mother not mine!

NattyNamechanger · 04/03/2023 14:25

pantherrose · 04/03/2023 14:19

@NattyNamechanger

I know nothing about conservatory blinds having never bought them (thankfully if that's what they cost 😱) but OP was perhaps clumsily using them to illustrate that they were expensive and that her mum is financially comfortable. No where did she say that it was wrong for her to have bought them.

If she was feeding her kids from a food bank and my mother was dropping 8k on 2 blinds, regardless of the fact that she has every right to do so, it would be normal to feel a little sad as she watched her grandchildren doing without ( food, not blinds...)

Op has not said she won't pay her mother back, but after 5 years of struggle, Its understandable that she'd be yearning for a respite for herself and particularly for her children.

Perhaps her mum would be amenable to monthly repayments starting 6 months from now, which would give OP a little breathing space and mum the reassurance that OP hasn't forgotten her and is acting with integrity. As other posters have said, she may be surprised by her response and at the very least it demonstrates her appreciation.

She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

Here

pantherrose · 04/03/2023 14:51

@NattyNamechanger

Yes I read it. She doesn't say it was wrong but says the price of them is beyond her. The inference is that they are very expensive (presumably top quality) and illustrates how financially comfortable her mother is, enabling her to be an enthusiastic spender.

firsttimelondonmummy · 04/03/2023 15:10

@Ineke you raised your son well 👏🏻
This is what I’ve promised my dad if he helps me with my house deposit and what I will expect from my son (all being well) if he ever did need to loan money.

JudgeRudy · 04/03/2023 15:14

It's a difficult one. You're mum new you was struggling and offered to loan you money. I'm guessing you both agreed on this amount on the understanding that it would help you get back on your feet and save your home. It didn't and when you sold up (it seems) there was little/no equity. I don't know if something changed but I'd have thought this could have been predicted.
You're now in a better situation due to a better job but also because you're living sith your boyfriend. I'm sure sharing with him isn't insignificant. Now you're talking about your plans to buy a home dish him but you still have significant debts. Does he know this?
Would you even get a mortgage.

You sound like an over optimistic person to the point of unrealistic.
When you borrow money from friends or family I don't think it's unreasonable that they get involved/ask prying Qs about your finances. Are you prepared to do that with your mum, so sit down with her, talk through you incomings/outgoings and your future plans with your partner? Maybe she might say give me the £10k back and I'll let you have it back as s depidit for new home. There might well be strings. If not just propose your own payment plan but £100 a month is ridiculous. That's over 8 years....on top of the years you've had....assuming no interest!
She isn't obliged to give you money. She may feel it wasn't used well. You may have not told her yhe full picturec at the time. Either way you owe money and dhould not be taking on further debt or 'saving'.

NattyNamechanger · 04/03/2023 15:26

pantherrose · 04/03/2023 14:51

@NattyNamechanger

Yes I read it. She doesn't say it was wrong but says the price of them is beyond her. The inference is that they are very expensive (presumably top quality) and illustrates how financially comfortable her mother is, enabling her to be an enthusiastic spender.

She's criticising her DM choices though -none of her business.
Pretty rich when the Op is planning on holidays and meals out if her DM doesn't want the money back
It's none of her concern what her DM spends her own money on
Don't understand how people just don't get this
Beak out and concentrate on your own life.
It's not a surprise that all those watching other people's money have none of their own!

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 15:29

NattyNamechanger · 04/03/2023 15:26

She's criticising her DM choices though -none of her business.
Pretty rich when the Op is planning on holidays and meals out if her DM doesn't want the money back
It's none of her concern what her DM spends her own money on
Don't understand how people just don't get this
Beak out and concentrate on your own life.
It's not a surprise that all those watching other people's money have none of their own!

Show quote history

Well, quite. The amount of "well, she spent 8 grand on blinds, she doesn't need the money back" is dumbfounding.

sammylady37 · 04/03/2023 15:43

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 15:29

Well, quite. The amount of "well, she spent 8 grand on blinds, she doesn't need the money back" is dumbfounding.

Show quote history

People are very quick to criticise the DM for having the audacity to spend her own money while expecting her to be happy to have the OP spend it for her. Unbelievable.

NattyNamechanger · 04/03/2023 15:43

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 15:29

Well, quite. The amount of "well, she spent 8 grand on blinds, she doesn't need the money back" is dumbfounding.

Show quote history

It's such a poor attitude and you always see it in folk who make poor financial choices.
-They have got money so I want XYZ from them.

Op needs to carry on, pay the money back and then focus on saving THEN when she has a good amount of savings consider a holiday.
Stop making financial decisions including other people's money.
Trust me they will be very different decisions!

NattyNamechanger · 04/03/2023 15:45

sammylady37 · 04/03/2023 15:43

People are very quick to criticise the DM for having the audacity to spend her own money while expecting her to be happy to have the OP spend it for her. Unbelievable.

Show quote history

I know!
Some people are on a different planet.

Liorae · 04/03/2023 15:50

NattyNamechanger · 04/03/2023 15:26

She's criticising her DM choices though -none of her business.
Pretty rich when the Op is planning on holidays and meals out if her DM doesn't want the money back
It's none of her concern what her DM spends her own money on
Don't understand how people just don't get this
Beak out and concentrate on your own life.
It's not a surprise that all those watching other people's money have none of their own!

Show quote history

The OP is planning holidays and dinners out without regard to paying her mother back.

NattyNamechanger · 04/03/2023 16:03

Liorae · 04/03/2023 15:50

The OP is planning holidays and dinners out without regard to paying her mother back.

Show quote history

Yes?

Tabitha1960 · 04/03/2023 16:07

"I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her"

She didn't say it then? You just read her mind? That is why I voted YABU

pantherrose · 04/03/2023 16:08

@NattyNamechanger

"It's not a surprise that all those watching other people's money have none of their own"

That's one heck of an assumption to make isn't it? On what basis can you be so certain? You might be surprised that not everyone who is comfortably off would rather sit back feeling superior and blaming rather than put their hand in their pocket and help out.

Or are you poverty shaming for those lesser souls who may be struggling and therefore by your reckoning are all feckless, greedy, entitled and jealous.

Let them eat cake eh!

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 16:10

pantherrose · 04/03/2023 16:08

@NattyNamechanger

"It's not a surprise that all those watching other people's money have none of their own"

That's one heck of an assumption to make isn't it? On what basis can you be so certain? You might be surprised that not everyone who is comfortably off would rather sit back feeling superior and blaming rather than put their hand in their pocket and help out.

Or are you poverty shaming for those lesser souls who may be struggling and therefore by your reckoning are all feckless, greedy, entitled and jealous.

Let them eat cake eh!

You seem to have fundamentally misunderstood @NattyNamechanger 's post

NattyNamechanger · 04/03/2023 16:13

pantherrose · 04/03/2023 16:08

@NattyNamechanger

"It's not a surprise that all those watching other people's money have none of their own"

That's one heck of an assumption to make isn't it? On what basis can you be so certain? You might be surprised that not everyone who is comfortably off would rather sit back feeling superior and blaming rather than put their hand in their pocket and help out.

Or are you poverty shaming for those lesser souls who may be struggling and therefore by your reckoning are all feckless, greedy, entitled and jealous.

Let them eat cake eh!

"feckless, greedy, entitled and jealous"

Only those who constantly eye other people's money, wheedle,manipulate and demand.
When they don't get their way they insult.

People who base their financial decisions on getting other people's money make poor decisions.
Easy come easy go mentality.
Nothing to do with poverty and everything to do with being entitled and making poor decisions.

XelaM · 04/03/2023 16:15

pantherrose · 04/03/2023 16:08

@NattyNamechanger

"It's not a surprise that all those watching other people's money have none of their own"

That's one heck of an assumption to make isn't it? On what basis can you be so certain? You might be surprised that not everyone who is comfortably off would rather sit back feeling superior and blaming rather than put their hand in their pocket and help out.

Or are you poverty shaming for those lesser souls who may be struggling and therefore by your reckoning are all feckless, greedy, entitled and jealous.

Let them eat cake eh!

I totally agree with this.

Not all wealthy people are arseholes who like to polish their new blinds and watch their kids and grandkids struggle. My grandmother was very wealthy (self-made millionaire) and she would literally give the clothes on her back to her adult kids and grandkids. She even made sure her assets were split between her kids whilst she was still alive to ensure she knew they were well-provided for before she died. Not all people hate their kids and would rather ravel in their misery than help them out.

pantherrose · 04/03/2023 16:16

@NattyNamechanger

It's still a strange assumption to be making about anonymous posters on Mumsnet is it not?

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 16:16

XelaM · 04/03/2023 16:15

I totally agree with this.

Not all wealthy people are arseholes who like to polish their new blinds and watch their kids and grandkids struggle. My grandmother was very wealthy (self-made millionaire) and she would literally give the clothes on her back to her adult kids and grandkids. She even made sure her assets were split between her kids whilst she was still alive to ensure she knew they were well-provided for before she died. Not all people hate their kids and would rather ravel in their misery than help them out.

Show quote history

What has this got to do with op not wanting to pay her loan back because, in her own words, she wants to start building up her savings and going on holiday?

XelaM · 04/03/2023 16:19

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 16:16

What has this got to do with op not wanting to pay her loan back because, in her own words, she wants to start building up her savings and going on holiday?

Show quote history

Because normal mothers in OP's scenario would never expect it back

NattyNamechanger · 04/03/2023 16:23

pantherrose · 04/03/2023 16:16

@NattyNamechanger

It's still a strange assumption to be making about anonymous posters on Mumsnet is it not?

Op has said she does this -it's in the Op
Also recently countless other gimme gimme threads with a financially stable elderly parent and a grabby, entitled Op !

I think you are reading this as I am saying all poor people are entitled and grabby.
Of course not but all greedy, entitled people watch others money and think they deserve it.
There's no money because they blow it - then are baffled as to why they have none.
No financial common sense at all!

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 16:24

XelaM · 04/03/2023 16:19

Because normal mothers in OP's scenario would never expect it back

Show quote history

😵‍💫
You could also claim that normal daughters would not want to stiff their mother for ten grand because they think the money would be better spent on holidays and increasing their own savings pot 🤷🏻‍♀️

XelaM · 04/03/2023 16:26

I can only go off my own family where we're all very generous with money to each other and don't behave like debt collectors. I would rather see my own daughter enjoy her life than ensure I get my £10K back.

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 16:30

XelaM · 04/03/2023 16:26

I can only go off my own family where we're all very generous with money to each other and don't behave like debt collectors. I would rather see my own daughter enjoy her life than ensure I get my £10K back.

It's fine for you to make that call. It would be extremely high handed of your daughter to do so.