Borrowed money from my mum

[Finallyoutofthewoods]

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

Aprilx and DoorstoManual How very high and mighty the two of you are.
The OP did not 'set the scene' she was explaining that her mother was very comfortably off with the different pensions she received. Also DtM obviouslyher mother was well aware of her daughter's financial hardships and what her and her childrens' lives were like like when she was working so hard to clear the debts (not all of which were of here own doing). What mother or grand mother who is financially secure could sit back until her daughter was forced to ask for a loan. Let's hope your wonderful 21 year old does what he promises.
Aprilx This young woman has proved to be 'financially responsible' and if her mother can't see how she came financially responsible she cannot be a very observant mother.

People who post your kind of remarks are so up themselves judging others rather than trying to understand the situation.

So if it changes how the OP might feel about it then it's worth saying then.

There are many interpretations on sorted. Still owing an additional £2k and having had no chance to build any more savings isn't sorted in my view.

anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

So Mum knows that your financial savvy is not the best, your ex had a bad credit rating yet you whacked holidays, home improvements etc on credit cards.

I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work

But I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE to have a nice car.

I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that
What happens if you break up? Out on your ear with nothing. Stupid.

DP doesn’t support me financially at all
No you just pay half his mortgage and a load of other shit. Stupid.

I actually do pay more than half of all outgoings in my DPs home. And solely pay for extra things such as streaming subscriptions, have updated all the bedrooms etc etc
You owe you Mum 10,000, pay more than half your wages to a house you don't own, pay the streaming subscriptions and decorated all the bedrooms.

And THIS is where poor financial sense comes into it. Your Mum is obviously aware of this. Remember she HAS NOT asked you for the money back. People are vilifying that poor woman as if she has demanded it. She has not even brought it up. The entitlement is just horrific and her Mum KNOWS this.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

She is fucking sorted. This was the arrangement. She lent it WITH THE AGREEMENT that is would be paid back. This was FIVE years ago. FIVE and OP has not mentioned it since. Absolutely MORTIFIED for her.

if you say so. OP having her aggrieved feelings reinforced doesn’t change the fact that she’s expected to repay it. What that’ll change is how pissed off she feels about it, which is more upset than she already was. You are of course entitled to say it though, for what good it will do 🤷🏻‍♀️

and yes, OP said it’s coming up to the time when she’ll be expected to start making payments. No one is saying that she should pay it back right this second, but that she should pay it back.

I haven't RTFT because when I clicked on it i didn't realise it was 440 posts long and I don't have time but this with bells on it. My parents kindly leant me and DH £5k a few years ago as a deposit, we weren't at the point where we had saved enough but a house came on the market that was too good to turn down. 6 months after purchasing I told them we were ready to start paying them back and at this point they told me they didn't want me to pay them back and it was a gift. My parents are more than financially comfortable with quite a lot of savings but I never expected to not have to pay it back. Once you show intent to start paying her back she might surprise you.

@Pigletnotatwiglet

According to your own list op is very very far from sorted.

But I agree with your summation of ops paying for stuff in this house which isn't hers.

Sorted in regard to getting her bad financial planning debt down to £2000.

Not sorted in regard to her paying dead money on a house she doesn't own which is more bad financial planning.

I'd say the mother has a pain in her arse with her ridiculous decisions at this point.

This, in a nutshell.
Op's Mum would be an absolute fool to write off the £10k to facilitate op funnelling her money into new cars and houses she doesn't actually own.
Fucking hell. And there are posters berating the woman for not further "paying towards op's kids"!

I wouldn't respect anyone who lives very comfortably whilst their child and grandchildren rely on food banks

This. I was once in the same position as the OP. I finally left my abusive ex husband after he nearly killed me by throwing me down the stairs. It was seen by our 4 year old and 1 year old.

He was financially abusive also in that he insisted that as soon as I was paid (I was working in the pharmaceutical industry so wasn't badly,off) I had to transfer almost all of my salary to him. It had been that way since we married when we were straight out of university at 21. I was only allowed to take 3 months mat leave each time as he wanted me back at work and earning. His mother looked after the kids.

When I left that marriage I was £40K in debt because he had taken out credit cards and loans in my name by forging my signature. I couldn't ever prove that however, so over the next few years I had to pay it all back. Some of the debt I only knew about when I found I had a CCJ.

It took me 10 years to rebuild my life. I even had to take a lower paid job because it was more family friendly than my previous one. I also met a new partner, now my husband and, like the OP I started living again.

There's a lot of judgement about OP and her debts. The fact of the matter is that it is fucking hard work climbing out of debt, with young children, and needing to feed and clothe them and provide adequate housing for them. It doesn't actually matter how the OP got into drbt, but I assume it is the sa,E way as I did. The abusive ex husband is the only villain in this story - as in mine - not the OP. She deserves respect now, not from random people on the Internet, but from her own family. An acknowledgment that she has fought her way out of a bad place. I would also argue that a woman who has done that, worked her arse off to do that, is more financially responsible than a woman who has not worked most of their adult life and now lives off her dead husbands pension.

Ops dm has purchased blinds that cost 8 grand through ops own email.

I can't begin to list how insensitive and dreadful that is.

Her daughter is struggling and is in a precarious situation and she's rubbing 8 grand in blinds in her face.

Is that a financially savvy move when your grandchildren need help??

Thank god!
Common sense at last !

Op has bought a fancy car she can't actually afford and is paying half the mortgage on a house she has no ownership of.
If that's your idea of financial nous it's a wonder you ever managed to become debt free.

Just keep working as hard to clear the 10k debt. If you borrow money, you have to pay it back. As for her will, she might not be leaving you a penny. I'd just pay it all back, along with a big bouquet of flowers and a huge thank you for helping me out. I know because I've been in that situation. A loan isn't a gift unfortunately. Brilliant work by the way working yourself out of debt, it's good feeling isn't it. Good luck.

@coeurnoir

Absolutely.

It amazes me how sheltered some people's lives are. How settled and secure they think they are, very few of us are immune to tragedy completely knocking us off our feet

I probably wouldn't even ask - asking presupposes you want her to write it off. I'd save it and then return the full amount unprompted.

Considering her financial position, what a tightwad she is. But, yes, you do have to clear the debt, as that was the agreement. How awful that she witnessed you using food banks.

You've done really well clearing your debts.

@NattyNamechanger
You need to read OP's post again before making assumptions about the whys and wherefores of her previous spending and where she also makes it clear that she is not ignoring the debt - If she was she wouldn't have posted in the first place.

Your posts are self righteous, intransigent and show zero empathy or humanity towards someone who has clearly been through a rough time and through effort is turning things around. That kind of black and white thinking is counter productive to problem resolution due to human fallibility and circumstance hence those that are actually qualified to pass judgements in a court of law will usually take into account mitigating circumstances before pronouncing a verdict.

I suspect you're just here for the wind up, if not and you are genuinely this unpleasant, then it'll be a long fall from your perch.

@ReadersD1gest

The OP has to have a car for work, why are you assuming it is a 'fancy' new car?

YABU, sorry.

I havent read all the posts OP. I stopped at the hysterical MN’s so heavily invested in your issue they are hurling abuse at eachother ! ( snigger )

OP you have done well to get out of these dreadful debts. I think the key to this is when your mum said “ when you get sorted”

As a mum I would say when you and your fella have bought a house together and all other debts have gone. Thats a long way off yet.

My two children mean the world to me. They got new cars at 18, Vegas holiday at 21 and at 25 I bought one a house to live in and gave the other money for a deposit and I pay his mortgage. Thats because I can.

I personally would never dream of calling in a £10k loan for circumstances like this. I’d just be glad you were out of a vile marriage and terrible situation and it would be money well spent.

Hopefully your mum will feel the same and let it go x

Your mother sounds financially quite vulnerable.
£8k on blinds is crazy and she has been massively ripped off. Are you sure she spent it on actual blinds though, and didn't get co-erced into diverting it to another of your siblings or some online fraudster?
Did she tell your siblings she was giving you the £10k loan? If not she may have loaned to them and not told you!
Maybe she's owed a lot of money by a lot of people.

@Pigletnotatwiglet totally agree.
Seems like there is less and less personal accountability.

No I don't
Yes it's probably tough to hear that Op is responsible for her own financial mess, sadly she hasn't learnt and is still heading in the same direction.
I have every sympathy for people who learn their lesson and change but the Op is displaying an entitled attitude.
I suspect that many of those stating the DM is evil, nasty etc are in debt themselves.
Sometimes it's circumstances sadly but often it's just sheer entitlement.

Bizarre that the Op is getting support for wanting to spend money on luxuries whilst she owes 12K and the DM is getting a walloping for spending her own money that she actually has.
It's a symptom of a gimme now society.
What's terrible here is that the entitled prop up their attitudes and encourage that mentality in others in the belief that it's right to scam off others so they can get what they WANT and if you are talking about unpleasant attitudes, we'll it's right there.
Disgraceful

This, all this, OP is not financially responsible in any way despite paying back the majority of her debts, which I'm sure was difficult, she still has an appealing attitude to money.

Reading this thread I can only come to the conclusion that the majority (not all ) of people slamming the mother here have never been in the position to generously lend 10K and most likely are the types to take the piss out of friends and family "borrowing" money themselves Or feel a grudge at not being offered cash gifts from people they think are better off and don't need it.

The level of pure greed and lack of personal responsibility here is distasteful.

Op said she would pay it back and she should stick to her word.

👏
You will get a bollocking for being " unpleasant"now though!😂