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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Borrowed money from my mum

669 replies

Finallyoutofthewoods · 03/03/2023 10:56

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

OP posts:
Barbecuebeans · 04/03/2023 09:28

Haffiana · 03/03/2023 23:30

Your wealthy mother stood by and watched her own daughter and grandchildren rely on food banks??? WTF?

She didn't though. She gave her £10,000. Did you miss that bit? She gave her TEN THOUSAND POUNDS.

She didn't give her £10k though. She didn't give her anything. She lent her £10k, and thinks that expensive blinds are more important than helping out her child and grandchildren. I think someone who has been left in such a fortunate position should at least consider her own good luck, and not be in quite such a hurry to get the money back.

Also, it really doesn't sit well with me treating children so differently. Why fund her sibling and not the OP. I know the OP did get into debt in the past but has clearly worked really hard to put that right.

BellePeppa · 04/03/2023 09:37

Aesop45 · 03/03/2023 19:06

What kind of mother or grandmother lets their family struggle at a food bank when they are more than able to help out!

And spend 8k on blinds. I know she’s perfectly within her rights to spend however she wishes that’s obvious but really what is her character that she can spend on 8k on blinds whilst knowing her daughter and gc are at a food bank. She has every right to be whatever she wants to be when it comes to her money but honestly, in that position, I would happily gift the money. Hopefully the mother never needs anything off the OP in the future (time, care etc) because I’d be as tight with that as she is with her money.

AIBUNoNo · 04/03/2023 09:41

As part of your conversation about repayment @Finallyoutofthewoods it might be worth having an honest chat about her finances in the long term and issues like a care home.

I doubt that £10K is relevant considering her wealth but...

I'm going through a pension decision at the moment and know that to get a pension like your dad (£120K pa) he'd have to have earned not 'just' 6 figures but more like £300K+pa for a long time.

You confirmed she is getting £60Kpa as half of your late Dad's pension.

Looking ahead to her old age, it does depend on whether she is drawing down £60K pa from an invested pension pot, or your dad took the £250K max lump sum and she has that in the bank too.

Pigletnotatwiglet · 04/03/2023 09:47

whittingtonmum · 04/03/2023 09:28

I would ignore it until she asks. When she asks I would ask if it can be mentioned in the will instead of you paying it back.

If she refuses I would suggest a very low amount £20 per month to pay it back.

I would avoid falling out with her as she might leave you out of her will altogether.

Obviously dreadful behaviour using your email address for luxury purchases when she knows things are difficult financially. She sounds terribly insensitive. I'd keep my distance but be polite enough so you still have a chance to inherit.

Obviously if she ever needs care, support with her health (hospital appointments) I would not lift a finger and let her struggle/sort herself out. I'd visit but not put myself out to support.

In the end you reap what you sow.

How disgustingly entitled is this?
Say nothing about the money and hope she doesn’t ask.
If she does ask her to put it in the will because you are not prepared to pay her back.
If she refuses offer her something ridiculous like £20 per month to shut her up.
Don’t fall out with her in case she leaves you out of the will.
Stay away from her whilst not paying her back but be polite in case she disinherits you.
When she gets older and sick don’t do a thing to help her even though she brought you up and also lent you £10,000 to bail you out of your shit financial decision making coz that will teach her. Ohhh still visit though, show your face but don’t help.. don’t forget the inheritance thing!
Imagine having you for a daughter. Grabby, entitled, greedy freeloading behaviour. Vile.

Sally543 · 04/03/2023 09:59

We’ve two kids plus my husband has another son we try and treat them the same as much as possible. If I wrote a debt of for one then I would have to give the other the same amount. If they have borrowed money in the past for cars ( our suggestion instead of getting a loan) we always got them to pay back it’s the principal even if we then treated them later . It’s hard if you’re struggling and others aren’t but you’re coming out the other end now so well done for that. I’d say definitely speak to your mum and let her now how much you appreciate her helping you out and that your definitely going to start paying her back . Part of me wants to say I’m sure she’ll let you pay it back over a longer period of time but the other part says it’s still hanging over you . You never know what’s round the corner maybe have a few treats but get it payed off then you have a clean sheet. I think you need a proper conversation when it’s just you and her and your daughters not around so you can talk freely. Good luck

NattyNamechanger · 04/03/2023 10:05

Barbecuebeans · 04/03/2023 09:28

She didn't give her £10k though. She didn't give her anything. She lent her £10k, and thinks that expensive blinds are more important than helping out her child and grandchildren. I think someone who has been left in such a fortunate position should at least consider her own good luck, and not be in quite such a hurry to get the money back.

Also, it really doesn't sit well with me treating children so differently. Why fund her sibling and not the OP. I know the OP did get into debt in the past but has clearly worked really hard to put that right.

Show quote history

The Op got into debt for holidays and stuff for her kids, knowing that her DH had a bad financial record and so wasn't going to pay .

Yes she has paid it back but still owes 10K.

It's her attitude and ongoing behaviour that's the issue and no doubt the dm is aware of it.
I've just spent 10K on a bathroom.
My business, my money and no-one elses yet the Op is sniping and griping at her DM.
This thread is a fantastic view of how Cheeky Fuckers work.
"I WANT" rather than "I can buy what I can afford"
" She doesn't need it"
Anyone who stands in their way is " mean" " nasty" and will be abandoned when they are elderly.
Nice!
I had no idea I should be viewing my parents as a cashpoint and expect them to give me their last penny.
Shamefully that's CFery for you!

Crumpetdisappointment · 04/03/2023 10:08

absolutely pay her back, set up a payment plan
whatever you can afford
and set up a plan to save for a holiday.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/03/2023 10:11

Foulksmills

”Well excuse me, Sky, we don't all have extremely wealthy drug kingpin husbands to fund us yano!”

True.

Standrews · 04/03/2023 10:12

I would just tell her you are now in a position to pay off the debt at say, £150 per month and ask her how she would like you to pay it, by cheque or bank transfer. This happened to me when my son ran up an enormous debt at University and I paid it off rather than him paying large sums in interest. After paying me back for about half, because he was so willing to make good by sticking to our agreement, I gladly let him off the rest and haven't thought about it until reading your story.

ThinWomansBrain · 04/03/2023 10:21

Probably better that you broach the subject than she has to initiate the conversation.
Even if she is comfortably off, £10k is a large sum, even more so a few years ago when she made the loan - to hear you speak about being nearly debt free and no mention of her £10k is probably a bit goady.
Sounds as if it's been a tough few years, congratulations on getting through it, the £10k is just the last leg.

Bbq1 · 04/03/2023 10:23

As a mum I wouldn't expect it back. My own mum has helped us out enormously in many ways and it was never ever a loan. If you can afford it, loaning money to your own child is callous. Op, you have literally worked hard to get where you are - well done - and rather than being pleased for you, your comfortably off mother has seen an opportunity to extend your debt.

pantherrose · 04/03/2023 10:25

@letthemalldoone
Very well said and I agree with both your recent posts 100% .
There are some deeply unpleasant and unbearably smug and sanctimonious posters on this thread.
Life can change for anyone at the drop of a hat, if any of those wagging a finger and tut tutting at OP need help in the future, I do hope that doo

pantherrose · 04/03/2023 10:28
  • Doors are slammed in your faces. Ignore them OP, smartarses who need to learn some of life's lessons before they judge others.
CelestiaNoctis · 04/03/2023 10:38

Nah I'd just skirt around it and never pay. She sounds extremely well off and doesn't need it at all. I wouldn't have even told her I was debt free tbh. I definitely think the will idea is a fair compromise considering she really does not need that money.

SouthernComforter · 04/03/2023 10:46

Absolutely well done for getting through such a difficult time, keeping your head up and paying off your debts. No mean feat at all!

You can either wait until your mum actually asks, or you can pre-empt her asking and bring it up. This may be more favourable to her as she probably doesn't want to ask. Say you still have some debts and would she be willing a) for you to pay a small amount on a regular basis - say £50 a month, or b) a larger amount in, say, five years. Or c) (your option) take it off your inheritance. If you tackle it head on, she'll know you haven't forgotten and aren't evading the question. You could also tell her you'd like to treat your kids a bit, seems perfectly reasonable that you do so after what you've all been through.

whumpthereitis · 04/03/2023 10:48

CelestiaNoctis · 04/03/2023 10:38

Nah I'd just skirt around it and never pay. She sounds extremely well off and doesn't need it at all. I wouldn't have even told her I was debt free tbh. I definitely think the will idea is a fair compromise considering she really does not need that money.

It doesn’t matter if she needs it or not. She lent it to OP with the agreement that it would be repaid. OP skirting around the issue isn’t going to make her mother forget about it.

What it may well do though it bite her on the arse long term, if her mother’s response to the skirting around and never paying it back is to write OP out of her will entirely.

Poppydot3 · 04/03/2023 10:48

I can’t believe the number of posters saying it’s right you should pay it back. But then I don’t understand why it was a loan in the first place. If you were my child, I would’ve been pleased to be in a position to help you. As you say, your mother is very comfortable. If my child was in your position, I would either give the same amount of money to my other child now, or adjust the Will so you receive the equivalent of £10,000 less when I passed away. Some parents ……

DancingDaughter50 · 04/03/2023 10:49

Op does she pay anything towards your children!
I. Can't believe how mean people can be.

Our children did not ask to be made. We are responsible for them!!. It appals me, that someone so comfortable would allow their child and grandchild use a food bank.

NattyNamechanger · 04/03/2023 10:53

pantherrose · 04/03/2023 10:28

  • Doors are slammed in your faces. Ignore them OP, smartarses who need to learn some of life's lessons before they judge others.

LoL most of us learnt early on in life that spending money on holidays and stuff for our kids on credit cards is a bad idea if we don't actually have the money.
Op is still in debt to the tune of 12K and already eyeing up holidays and expensive meals out.

DancingDaughter50 · 04/03/2023 10:54

As pp pointed out unfortunately she has clearly absolutely no idea what you have faced and can't understand or empathise with it

Barbecuebeans · 04/03/2023 10:55

NattyNamechanger · 04/03/2023 10:05

The Op got into debt for holidays and stuff for her kids, knowing that her DH had a bad financial record and so wasn't going to pay .

Yes she has paid it back but still owes 10K.

It's her attitude and ongoing behaviour that's the issue and no doubt the dm is aware of it.
I've just spent 10K on a bathroom.
My business, my money and no-one elses yet the Op is sniping and griping at her DM.
This thread is a fantastic view of how Cheeky Fuckers work.
"I WANT" rather than "I can buy what I can afford"
" She doesn't need it"
Anyone who stands in their way is " mean" " nasty" and will be abandoned when they are elderly.
Nice!
I had no idea I should be viewing my parents as a cashpoint and expect them to give me their last penny.
Shamefully that's CFery for you!

Show quote history

You completely swerved the different treatment because it doesn't serve your narrative. And the OP hasn't said they're going to abandon her mother. And you don't know that the OP was certain her ex would default. People make all sorts of promises, and life is not as black and white as you paint it.

And the absolute hyperbole about parents giving their last penny when the OP is the sibling that didn't expect hand outs. And the mother is very comfortably off and the OP isn't asking for any more money, just a bit of respite before paying the rest. It's not CFery to expect your parent to recognise the great effort you've made to pay back massive debts by giving her a bit of grace before expecting the money back.

As I say if I were the mother I'd be thinking of how lucky I was to have married someone who earned such a good income, not berating my children for not being so fortunate. But not everyone is as self-absorbed as you are to think that everything comes down to their oh so perfect judgement.

ReadersD1gest · 04/03/2023 10:55

DancingDaughter50 · 04/03/2023 10:49

Op does she pay anything towards your children!
I. Can't believe how mean people can be.

Our children did not ask to be made. We are responsible for them!!. It appals me, that someone so comfortable would allow their child and grandchild use a food bank.

Op is now living with a new partner in a mortgaged house - why would her mother "pay anything towards her children!"?

NattyNamechanger · 04/03/2023 10:58

Barbecuebeans · 04/03/2023 10:55

You completely swerved the different treatment because it doesn't serve your narrative. And the OP hasn't said they're going to abandon her mother. And you don't know that the OP was certain her ex would default. People make all sorts of promises, and life is not as black and white as you paint it.

And the absolute hyperbole about parents giving their last penny when the OP is the sibling that didn't expect hand outs. And the mother is very comfortably off and the OP isn't asking for any more money, just a bit of respite before paying the rest. It's not CFery to expect your parent to recognise the great effort you've made to pay back massive debts by giving her a bit of grace before expecting the money back.

As I say if I were the mother I'd be thinking of how lucky I was to have married someone who earned such a good income, not berating my children for not being so fortunate. But not everyone is as self-absorbed as you are to think that everything comes down to their oh so perfect judgement.

Show quote history

It was a summary of things said by people on the thread .

DancingDaughter50 · 04/03/2023 10:59

@ReadersD1gest...

Of course her mum could help out now but I was wondering what ops mum did whilst they were going through turmoil? Paid for any lessons? Treated them?

Got clothes, sports gear, paid for weekly lessons?

Did she not do a single thing for her grandchildren??

Barbecuebeans · 04/03/2023 10:59

NattyNamechanger · 04/03/2023 10:58

It was a summary of things said by people on the thread .

Show quote history

Therefore irrelevant to the OP.

Still swerving.

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