Borrowed money from my mum

[Finallyoutofthewoods]

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

This.

I’m appalled at your mother. And at the small minded people here who can’t see past ‘it was a loan, you need to pay it back’

i can’t think of anything better to spend any money I don’t need than on my children

If my daughter had been abused by some arsehole man, who left her with tons of debt, children, and fuck all support - I would give her everything I could afford to help her out, even if it meant I had to go without myself!! Isn't that what parents do???!

This x1000

The responses to this thread are insane.

pastaandpesto · Today 11:26
Your wealthy mother stood by and watched her own daughter and grandchildren rely on food banks??? WTF?

I'm all for encouraging financial independence but I'm sorry OP your mother sounds utterly selfish and heartless. What is your relationship like in general?

^
THIS

Your wealthy mother stood by and watched her own daughter and grandchildren rely on food banks??? WTF?

She didn't though. She gave her £10,000. Did you miss that bit? She gave her TEN THOUSAND POUNDS.

For heaven sake, what is your problem???
Even in a family, a loan is a loan. You should address it. She agreed to your request for a loan to help you out in a bad situation. In the end it did not work out quite as you expected but it is now up to you to address it and not expect her to bring it up.
Remind your Mother of the loan she kindly made you, and suggest that now things are easier for you you are able to start paying it back now you have a bit left over every month. If you are lucky she will waive it, or maybe substantially reduce it. If she doesn't, be grateful that you were given the loan in the first place, and you are now standing on your own feet without becoming a bankrupt with no credit rating.
Please don't think that I do not greatly sympathise with your unfortunately difficult financial past. You married a sponge of a man with debts, and now you are living with a man who is taking money from you to service his mortgage despite the fact that you have hefty debts of your own. It may seem so unfair when you stuggle so much that your Mum is so loaded and mean with it; however, it is also important that you show her that you are mindful of the debt you took on and can be trusted with not forgetting it and being prepared to pay it back as promised.
You should ask your new man to relieve you of your mortgage contribution until you are financially straight again, and offer what you can afford to your Mother. Also cut out unnecessary expenditure, treats and holidays until you are more secure.

When your mother feels you are hard-working and prudent with money she may likely to be more understanding and generous to you and your kids. Good luck anyway.
P.S. how much was your car? If money is tight you should find someone who knows about cars to suggest a suitable model that is presentable, comfortable and reliable. Then get him to help you buy one from a private owner or dealer and ensure it is in good order and reliable. As long as it is clean and has some kerbside appeal it will do fine for sales. Reliability and cheap maintenance is far more important than strict fuel economy. Forget the badge and avoid anything foreign, research the price, try and give garages a miss and do not get a diesel unless you do a lot of long-distance motoring (25miles +). I suggest a Ford or Vauxhall. Around £2000 is fine if you can run to that much. I have never ever bought a car unless I can pay for it all in cash, and learn how to do the easy maintenance jobs yourself and you will save a bomb. Spares for popular cheap cars are easy to obtain through scrap yards and ebay. Nice though cars are, they are not an asset, they are a highly depreciating liability when money is tight!

I agree with this. You've done so well up to now. At least until she asks, she may not. I take my hat off to your for getting as far as you have money-wise

You have to pay it back and you have to do it now. IT IS NOT your money to keep, it was hers and she was good enough to help you in your time of need, which was brought about by your poor decisions, not hers and your fathers. It's absolutely none of your business how much money she spends or how, if she lights it on fire in the backyard, it's none of your concern. It's outrageous to consider for a minute not paying her back when and how you said you would. Shame on you for stiffing your mom.

What's mum finances got to do with OP? Very entitled and none of her business.

You need to pay it back. It was a loan. You said that you have a sister, has she had a loan from your mother too? If not, how would you feel if she had and then it was written off? My brother was lent money by our mother. He didn’t seem to remember it was a loan. I can remember being with my mother when she very nervously phoned to discuss repayment. As a previous person has said, it is called financial responsibility. She generously lent you money, so now you need to pay it back. We lent our son a large sum for a deposit on his flat. He has now sold his flat, and repaid us the loan with interest which was his own suggestion.

I think this shoukd be paid back. Whatever your mom spends her money on,e.g.blinds for the conservatory is none of your concern as she does not owe you money. Sadly,wwe owe people money they may be likely to scrutinise our expenditure . I think you need,possibly an uncomfortable,chat with your mom.where u start to make arrangements about repayment. If you can afford a particular amount tell her,agree an amount and stick to it. This way u pay her back,you can still live,save and plan for the future.

What have you learned from your past financial mistakes?

You borrowed money that you knew had to be paid back and now you are expecting that debt to be forgiven because you borrowed it from your mother, don’t get me started on the crassness of asking it to be taken off money from a ‘potential’ inheritance.

Pay your mother back! Make a debt repayment plan and stop being so dam entitled. Seriously OP, crowing about how you’ve nearly paid your debts off to someone you borrowed ten grand off is beyond crass.

Take financial commitments seriously, not doing so is partly responsible for the financial mess you got yourself into in the first place.

Your mother may be exasperated from years of watching you make bad decisions about money and other things. Picking the wrong man can be an expensive mistake; mistakes cost money; the person who made the mistake generally gets to pick up the tab for it.

Yes absolutely 100%

To be fair, i sense a feeling of entitlement here. She’s your mum so she should write it off or deduct it from what you get in her will. Agreed that as your mum she should have helped you and your kids when you needed help. Now the agreement when you borrowed this money was to repay her. Would you have this mindset if you borrowed the money from the bank or a friend? £100 a month? WTH?! Thats 1200 a year! It will take you about 8 years to pay it all back! No interest too. If you can pay back about 28k in 2 years, make such effort with your mum’s.
you never know, she might decide to write it off herself. But keep your end of the agree!

Agreement *

You sound like you've made some pretty crap life choices and now you expect an elderly lady to fund them. Well done for clearing some of your debts but you still have 10k to clear. If you need it again she wouldn't offer because you didn't pay back.

Yep.
I really despise the attitude some people have to those they deem as wealthy and not in need of money- they seem to think they can make financial decisions for them and spend their money… comments like ‘she doesn’t need it’, ‘she can do without that, it’s a drop in the ocean to her’ etc.

I’ve experienced this at work and also with a friend. At work, I take my team out at Christmas for dinner and drinks. One year I was approached by a very junior team member asking me to invite three others in the department to the night out ‘as they don’t really have a team to go out with’. I said that they weren’t on my team, and I wasn’t extending the invitation to them because if I did, there were others who would then expect to be invited, and where would I draw the line etc, so the invitation was for my team only, not others in the department. Later, I overheard her bitching to someone else saying that I could easily afford it, “what’s a few hundred to her” etc. She just seemed to think she could decide what I spent my money on.

That’s not the only example, and it’s not on the same scale as the op, but it just shows that some people think wealthy or even just better off people should subsidise others, and that some have a real sense of entitlement towards the money other people have.

it’s also worth noting that while you may think you know someone’s financial status, you can never be sure you do, as it’s something most people keep private.

A couple of years ago I lent my Son some money. He has never ever offered to pay me back. I don't even need the money and if he'd offered I'd have said no or told him to pay back at five pounds a month. A couple of years on and He actually has savings himself now because he is saving for a house deposit but has still never once offered to pay me back. I accepted a long time ago that I won't see this money again. Big or small debts should always be repaid in my opinion. Doesn't matter the amount.

I'm in the same position. I wouldn't have taken the money and would have written it off but the offer has never been made. It's hurtful as it shows a lack of respect. They may think I've forgotten but I haven't. It's the gesture that matters. I didn't ever want the money.

What kind of grandmother is happy to let her daughter and grandchildren struggle to the point of using a food bank when she is sitting on a pot of cash?? I don’t understand? My mum and dad would give me their last penny, that’s unconditional love. I’m shocked at her attitude towards this 10k debt… I’d pay her back at the minimum amount per month. She doesn’t need it but you need to be independent as she clearly doesn’t have your back!

I think there's a few things here to consider. Firstly, I think you need to consider that you don't just have 2k of debt left, you have 12k of debt left because you borrowed from your mum on an agreement that it would be paid back at some point and she has not told you expressly that she's writing it off. I think you need to start building a savings account secondly, so that you've a safety net accruing should things with your current partner break down as you are still living in his home so I wouldn't class yourself as completely stable in that respect. Hopefully it's a lovely relationship after what you've been through but always good to have a backup for you and your children. I think you need to set a savings goal for rainy days etc so that you don't take on more debt. Thirdly I think you pay back the 2k at the rate you've been going at and then I think you agree with your mum a repayment amount and tell her what you can afford to give her while still paying into your savings and having a reasonable quality of life. I'd make sure she's happy with the repayment rate and then I'd suggest that you both keep a record of it and anything that you do not pay back before she passes, is taken out of your inheritance to keep things fair for your sibling. You say your mum has no worries about money but that she spends it like water- I'd be a bit worried that she's thinking that she can't take it with her so she's enjoying it while she has it (and rightly so if this is the case) so there may not be the inheritance there that you're thinking there will be so I wouldn't count your chickens.

Actually you shouldn't contribute to his mortgage. If you split up yu get nothing because the house is in his name and you aren't married.

The ins and outs of the DM’s finances don’t really matter. OP and her DM agreed on a loan i.e. the money needed paying back. It’s 5 years since OP received the £10k and its about time that the OP addressed the situation with her DM.

THIS!

I would ignore it until she asks. When she asks I would ask if it can be mentioned in the will instead of you paying it back.

If she refuses I would suggest a very low amount £20 per month to pay it back.

I would avoid falling out with her as she might leave you out of her will altogether.

Obviously dreadful behaviour using your email address for luxury purchases when she knows things are difficult financially. She sounds terribly insensitive. I'd keep my distance but be polite enough so you still have a chance to inherit.

Obviously if she ever needs care, support with her health (hospital appointments) I would not lift a finger and let her struggle/sort herself out. I'd visit but not put myself out to support.

In the end you reap what you sow.