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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Borrowed money from my mum

669 replies

Finallyoutofthewoods · 03/03/2023 10:56

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

OP posts:
butterfliedtwo · 03/03/2023 20:43

adorablecat · 03/03/2023 19:25

You win today's award for being generous with someone else's money.

Show quote history

It's always so easy to spend other people's money.

Clarabell77 · 03/03/2023 20:50

takealettermsjones · 03/03/2023 11:23

You can't ask for it to be accounted for in her will, imo. I can't believe anyone would ask a living person about getting money in their will, to be honest. You're assuming that there will be money to pass on and that some of it will be coming to you. Neither of those things are guaranteed. Your mum would be well within her rights to spend every penny of her money cruising the world in her final years.

I totally agree. I’m shocked that quite a few people think it’s a good idea, sounds awful to me.

Mumof3confused · 03/03/2023 20:57

Well done for coming out of your divorce and working your way out of the debt. I’d be interested to know how your ex managed to get away with not sharing your debt. That seems so wrong, how can that be allowed?

Pinkfluff76 · 03/03/2023 21:03

Holy shit I’ve only read the first page of comments and I can’t believe how mean most people are being! Ignore the haters. Firstly congrats on your amazing hard work. secondly your mum sounds horrible. Why would anyone watch a child suffer and not help?! Even after the loan you couldn’t pay the mortgage and had to sell, surely she knew this and did nothing to help. My mum would give me the shirt off my back!

SallyB392 · 03/03/2023 21:07

Has it crossed your mind that it might be the fact that you appear less than willing to repay a debt than that the money is needed?

You seem to feel very entitled, you are not debt free, you still owe £10k and I would expect you to pay it back. I may decide at a future point to forgive you a proportion of your loan but I'd want to see you making an effort first.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 03/03/2023 21:17

Talk to her and be open. Say you have almost managed to get straight. Tell her you are happy to start paying it back if she wishes but can you do so at an affordable rate rather than every last aware penny so you can start saving. Point out at present you have no security as you are not on the mortgage until you have a deposit and can start providing towards it. Say if you carry on at the current rate it will be ....until you can even start saving which leaves you in a jam if this relationship brakes down as you have no backup.

Snowpixi · 03/03/2023 21:26

I don’t feel that’s fair. Her point is that her mum has not had to work in a job outside of raising her family. She’s then on top of her own pension, was fortunate to also receive her fathers pension.

OPs in an entirely awful opposite situation so it’s completely reasonable for her to state what’s going on and feeling a little envious. Have some empathy.

LoisLane66 · 03/03/2023 21:28

If an earlier poster was correct in her calculations re the rate at which you've cleared your debts, then repaying your mum over 9 months means that by Christmas you should be debt free and able to relax and enjoy life to the full.
I do admire the fact that you got stuck in and lived frugally, in order to get on your feet without the shadow of debt keeping you awake. It really is commendable for anyone to make the effort when life seems unliveable and tough. Well done 💐
I wish you all the very best going into the future.

caringcarer · 03/03/2023 21:37

Your Mum kindly let you borrow money on agreement you would pay it back once you were no longer in debt. You have worked hard to clear large chunks of other debt. Why do you see the debt you owe your Mum as different? Once you have repaid other debt then start repaying your Mum. Repaying debts should always come before more spending, which it sounds like you want to do. Offer your Mum £200 per month. See if she will agree to that.

Cazsle · 03/03/2023 21:38

In your mums position I wouldn’t ask you to repay it. I think your idea that it could be covered in her Will is a fair one.

Haffiana · 03/03/2023 21:54

If I was your mother OP, I would sit you down and give you the hard word about paying your boyfriend's mortgage and decorating a house that isn't yours, quite apart from wanting to go on holidays when you are £10k in debt.

As it is I suggest that you post about that in the Relationships board because you may be falling out of one financially abusive relationship straight into another.

Atsocta · 03/03/2023 22:04

I think you should pay her back with the interest she’s lost
your an adult after all … that was the agreement after all.
land she was kind enough to help you.

Lorry10 · 03/03/2023 22:05

Re : Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Maybe she wasn't thinking that. Maybe she was noticing that you had excluded the debt to her without discussing it with her.

I think you should keep your word and tell her you will start making monthly repayments. of say £100 per month. If she asks can you afford that, then negotiate it down.

Cardiffwales · 03/03/2023 22:12

I would have helped you out a lot more if I was your mum. Sounds like a tough time. Glad to hear things are improving.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/03/2023 22:27

Point out at present you have no security as you are not on the mortgage until you have a deposit and can start providing towards it

Not sure I'd risk this one; unless it becomes a long term relationship, the DM would probably point out (correctly) that the new DP would be ill advised to add a girlfriend to his current mortgage - just as a girlfriend would be ill advised to pay towards it herself

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 22:31

changeme4this · 03/03/2023 20:23

As “your” sibling I want you to start paying mum back.

See, I'm also "OP's" sibling and I don't care whether the money is paid back or not as that's between her and my parents. What I do care about is that they're respected and she's grateful and willing to stick to the agreement they made.

If the OP says to her mom she'll pay back £200 a month and mom says no, don't worry, that's fine. But she needs to at least try. And if mom does want the money back, then good on her.

Feraldogmum · 03/03/2023 22:38

Grow up and take responsibility for your actions,you are a parent and adult.You got yourself into debt because of money you spent on the house and holidays, if you could not afford the house and lifestyle after a breakup,you sell up,downsize and live within your means. You spend a great deal of time bleating about how well off your mum is and basically saying it was your dads cash, well guess what, marriage is a partnership. Your mum raised you whilst your dad earned, they both fulfilled their duty to you and left you to make your way in the world , it is not your mothers fault that you overspent and married a man that did not provide. Your mother is a pensioner, has supported her husband,raised children and fulfilled her role as wife and mother and should be free to enjoy what life she has left. Frankly you are acting like a self entitled parasite , would you be so open to supporting your mum in her dotage if she were the one in need?Doesnt sound that way. It seems you have very little respect for your mother and you automatically assume that whatever she has , you are entitled to because dad earned it, a tad misogynistic and hypocritical ,as you seem to think you are entitled because of your marital status.

letthemalldoone · 03/03/2023 22:43

ohdelay · 03/03/2023 20:41

There are some proper entitled takers on the thread and I'm including the OP. Of course you'd all write off your imaginary 10k loans. Great thought exercise. OP doesn't seem to like her mum very much despite hitting her up for 10k when she needed it and tbh it's probably mutual. Also starting a thread when she hasn't even asked for it back yet because she wants to be financially free and go on holiday. SMH

There are wayyy too many nasty, bitchy posters on this thread!!!

WTAF kind of parent wouldn't want to make their child's life easier?? WTF is actually wrong with you people????!!

If my daughter had been abused by some arsehole man, who left her with tons of debt, children, and fuck all support - I would give her everything I could afford to help her out, even if it meant I had to go without myself!! Isn't that what parents do???!

God I hate humans sometimes! Is it any wonder I prefer cats!!!

Helswatts · 03/03/2023 22:44

Hi it would have been nice if your mum suggested that you don’t pay back your debt, but have 10k less than your siblings.

Where you married, as if you where although the debts where in your name, they are classed as matrimonial debts and should have been split in half.

letthemalldoone · 03/03/2023 22:49

Feraldogmum · 03/03/2023 22:38

Grow up and take responsibility for your actions,you are a parent and adult.You got yourself into debt because of money you spent on the house and holidays, if you could not afford the house and lifestyle after a breakup,you sell up,downsize and live within your means. You spend a great deal of time bleating about how well off your mum is and basically saying it was your dads cash, well guess what, marriage is a partnership. Your mum raised you whilst your dad earned, they both fulfilled their duty to you and left you to make your way in the world , it is not your mothers fault that you overspent and married a man that did not provide. Your mother is a pensioner, has supported her husband,raised children and fulfilled her role as wife and mother and should be free to enjoy what life she has left. Frankly you are acting like a self entitled parasite , would you be so open to supporting your mum in her dotage if she were the one in need?Doesnt sound that way. It seems you have very little respect for your mother and you automatically assume that whatever she has , you are entitled to because dad earned it, a tad misogynistic and hypocritical ,as you seem to think you are entitled because of your marital status.

You, lady, are a piece of work. Nasty nasty nasty! I guess you are perfect and never made a mistake in your life? Shocking post, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself!

I am willing to bet the OP's dad would not have left her to seek food from a foodbank for his grandchildren, or expected her to pay back for a leg-up she needed when her parents didn't actually NEED it!!!

How cruel can some people be??? Take a good, long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. Do you get pleasure out of kicking people? Absolutely disgusting.

letthemalldoone · 03/03/2023 22:50

I actually can't follow this thread any more - I can't believe how hateful some posters are!!!!!

Haffiana · 03/03/2023 22:51

Ooh socks have arrived! I smell socks!!

Donkeyotey · 03/03/2023 22:54

Kittykat9070 · 03/03/2023 11:13

Probably totally different to what others may think but I’m going to go by what I would do if I was your mother in this situation..

It would give me pleasure to say don’t worry about the money, I can’t understand how a parent is in a position to take pressure off their daughter and not be affected and not do it.

She also had financial support from your father to be in the position she is today, so I really can’t see why she’d think differently of you. I wonder what your dad would have done in this situation?

Well done on clearing your debts, when you were at your lowest you pushed yourself and came out the other side. You should be very proud

I complete agree. I couldn’t bear to see my children and grandchildren struggle while I was comfortable. I’d give my children every last penny I had if they needed it.

KarmaStar · 03/03/2023 23:02

You need to talk to your mum.
Please don't find excuses,it won't help at all.be honest and open but acknowledge the fact she's helped you out a lot and tell her you intend to pay all the money back and would she please accept £100 a month.
it reads that the money she lent you doesn't count in your mind as a debt and you are entitled to an inheritance pay out,that's quite cruel and calculating.
You borrowed the money promising to pay it back.it's not your mum's fault the loan didn't get you the house,you still owe her.
please stop justifying yourself and work things out with her.if you treat her as intelligent adult she will respect you far more.

KarmaStar · 03/03/2023 23:02

..it's NOT your mum's fault!