Borrowed money from my mum

[Finallyoutofthewoods]

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

Not when they have the attitude and behaviour of the Op
It's called enabling irresponsibility.
That's not being a good parent

You sound like you are trying to justify why you shouldn’t pay her back the £10K. She spends lots of money on things she doesn’t need so she shouldn’t have the 10K back. FACTS - it is her money and she can do whatever she wants with it , whether you agree /disagree or approve etc. she might want to spend it all before she dies and good luck to her.

when you borrow from someone you pay them back - regardless of their financial situation.

They weren’t your partners debts. Or your debts. They were marital debts.

Pay her back. Don’t pay her back. But don’t expect a bail out ever again. You wreak of entitlement.

@Blueink because this is Mumsnet - you know where people often live in their own realities instead of the real world 🤷‍♀️😂

She hasn’t asked for it back. The original has decided that she knows that her mother was thinking about it 🙄🤷‍♀️

Whether you have asked for the advice or not, I think people are being incredibly rude on here, telling you to get some independence and financial responsibility.
If having the courage to leave an abusive marriage, raising your children alone through severe depression and getting rid of 30k worth of debt isn’t independence and financial responsibility, I don’t know what is.
Good on you for making it through those dark times and being a survivor!
As a daughter I would have a planned conversation with your Mum asap. Write down the points of what you want to say and then work out what can be done.
As a mother I would write it off and hug you with pride xx

I would tackle it head on with her, set out you still have some debts to clear but are getting there, that you need to contribute to the house deposit with new partner but you recognise you need to agree you should try to pay her back. Then Pause and see what her reaction is, if she’s going to write it off then this is her moment to do it, if she wants it paid back, set up a DD, £100 pm.

and well done you for turning your situation around and clearing that debt, massive achievement, all done by you, I would be so proud if you were my daughter. (And I would write off the £10k)

When I was struggling my mum would give me some money, never expecting anything back. But then when she had some financial difficulties I was more than happy to help her. That's love - I'm here for you and you're here for me. It's not a heartless financial transaction.

Genuinely quite sickening that OP herself and other posters are making her mum to be the bad guy here. Your mother didn’t have to give you 10k, instead she could of given you nothing, so the fact she did is a massive privilege within itself.

You also come across as entitled. You whine and complain you want holidays/dinners out but clearly show no actual desire to pay your mother back and I bet you never actually did. This is HER money, you don’t get some free ride ticket just because you paid back debt to companies and she is your mother so therefore she gets nothing back, it’s beyond cheeky.

To those calling her mum an absolute piece because OP and her kids went to the foodbank- grow up. She got 10k and the occasional money here and there, it isn’t the mums responsibility to feed her grandchildren. It’s very, VERY irritating that people on this forum always expect support from family when tbh, that is rarely a thing in reality. It’s such a false and entitled narrative to believe your family owe you because well, they’re family. Pay the money back OP before there is sour blood between yourself and your mum.

Oh do unwind your sanctimonious neck!!!!

Life is short - the OP has been through hell for a few years and omg, to want to enjoy a little of the fruits of her hard work is completely reasonable! Her children are growing up and it would be nice if they could actually live a little.

@Finallyoutofthewoods, you've received some very bitter and twisted responses here. Fair play to you for getting out of your abusive marriage, holding your life together in spite of the debt he left you in (don't see anyone berating your ex here!!)

I'm one who, if in your mother's fortunate circumstances, I'd be making a gift of the money. She doesn't need it. I'd take pleasure out of my child enjoying some happiness in her life. I don't know how the hell she sat back and watched you use foodbanks. She's been incredibly lucky to have been married to such a high-earning man - she's extremely comfortable on the back of his labour, and she can't take the bloody money with her.

I wouldn't be saving money for a care home - if a person can't pay, then the state steps in. I'd far rather my family got the good of their father's success.

Pay her a token amount if she wants it back. Is your sibling also paying her back for her cars etc? Expect not.

Well done for what you have achieved - you deserve to have some happiness. Just hope your mother can find it in her to see that too. Best wishes x

Wow there are a lot more people who press their kids to repay debts than I would expect. My parents have been generous to me and my siblings and their grandchildren and I believe they were really pleased to be able to do it. We are aware that we've been lucky and we are - I hope - grateful for their generosity. But clearly the result is that I am astonished by scenarios like this one.

It just seems sadly lacking in empathy or motherly kindness to prioritise money over your child's happiness.

OP, if it makes her unhappy for you not to pay her back, pay her back at a reasonable rate. Money is never about just money. But it seems fair that you might expect her to take the money back a bit more slowly than the other debt, so that you can have a decent quality of life while you pay her back.

Unless you have a history of borrowing from your parents and wasting money on alcohol/drugs or simply reckless overspending, then I think it would be strange if your mum didn't help you out. 10k is alot of money to some, but not to your mother with her income and circumstances, as she is very well provided for by your Dad. Well done to him!
I would definitely have a relaxed discussion with your mum regarding your current situation and plans, and when she would like you to repay the loan (should have been firmly stated at the time of lending in hindsight) - but definitely talk to her about it and do not avoid the subject - which would most likely be interpreted as abusing her trust. Ask if it could be postponed for a year or 2 - when you'll hopefully be in a much better position to make larger payments monthly without it affecting a reasonable standard of living for you and your children. With the current COL increases that would seem acceptable to me.
You must not expect her to just write it off as it was a loan agreement between you both arranged in good faith. So being completely open and honest is your best way forward I feel.
Having said that, if I was in your mum's situation I'd do all I could to help my daughter and grandchildren.
Can you think of any reason she wouldn't? If you can you have to face up to it.
And, as others have said, be sure to have proper financial advice re setting up home with new bf.
Good luck.

Could your mum give your siblings £10k each so things are then even?

It is neither wise nor polite to make assumptions about inheritance. Your mother might leave her estate to her best friend or to a charity, or she might remarry.

You win today's award for being generous with someone else's money.

Any money that is borrowed should be paid back. You can’t ask for money and not pay it back. It’s taking advantage of peoples generosity, whether they’re your family member or not.

I hate the thought of borrowing money from family or friends. So if it were me, I would want to be paying it back as soon as I could.

However, I do understand that you have worked really hard to get back to the position you are now in and feel your family deserve a few treats going forwards. In your OP you referred to not wanting to pay your mum back at the rate you had been paying your other debts but unless I've missed something, you haven't agreed a rate of payment with her so don't have to stick to the same rate. If you have cleared everything to this point in 2 years you have been paying an awful lot a month OP. You could pay your mum half of what you have been paying every month and still have the debt cleared reasonably quickly.

Leaving an abusive marriage and working to clear her debt...?

It seems a fair question, and while OP deserves every credit for getting out of (most of) her debt, there's a lot of detail missing here - like how it arose in the first place

In all fairness it's not really our business, but if poor judgement was involved it's just possible the mum may have views on this
She might even appreciate an offer of repayment - even if she's planning to turn it down - just so she can feel confident that one loan's unlikely to be followed by another

You have done brilliantly to clear off so much of your debt through hard work. If I were in your shoes I would also feel like I wanted to enjoy some of the new financial success, but owing my mum would make me feel bad if I hadn’t spoken to her about how I was feeling and would she be alright if I started to pay it back in x months time?
So just have that honest conversation about it and hope that you can either repay it in small increments that will allow you to live a better lifestyle or postpone the repayments for a bit…but it’s your mum’s decision on that I think.
Also…with the will idea… £10k in whatever year she lent it will not be the same value at all as £10k when you inherit, so inflation needs to be taken into account, otherwise it’s really unfair on your siblings. All the best! Hope she is generous and in a good mood when you talk to her x

The mum is not in the wrong. She lent the money. The OP doesn't want to pay it back. For all we know when she offers the mum might write it off.

I'm in a very similar situation. I'm upset that no offer has been made to pay it back but I fully intended to write it off anyway.

The mum is not a villain in any way.

The money she owes her mum is included in that debt.

in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

but you still had the things that you technically couldn’t afford as you had to go into debt. Even with a 10k bailout you’ve still had > 25k of debt to pay off. That’s massive. Your perspective is that mum is being a bit mean and you’re over paying back and want to relax a bit, but hers might be that you’re somewhat financially feckless and need to take accountability. Forget the resentment and behave responsibly, make the same effort as you have with your other debts and you might find she’ll write some of it off. Based on the history you’ve given I’d want to see you taking the commitment seriously before offering.

I genuinely can’t believe that some people think that her mum is in the wrong - her mum has lent her a large sum of money, hasn’t actually asked for it back and hasn’t dictated any repayment terms - for example, it has to be paid back within x amount of time - to let her daughter get back on her feet.

If we all lent to family with the attitude that it’s fine to not pay it back then a lot of people wouldn’t have money for themselves. At the end of the day, her mother is an older lady - if she suddenly had a cash flow problem or her expenses suddenly shot up (needing care of some sort etc) she’s not able to go out and make any extra money for herself - what she’s got now is what has to last her for the rest of her life - and who knows that the pensions won’t stop at some point?

Whereas the OP is still young and has more opportunities to earn money for herself and able to work etc.

The OP hasn’t even asked her mum so a lot of people on here are just assuming - maybe that would be the first place to start!

I also am going against the tide here it seems. If she can splash £8k on some conservatory blinds, lend someone £10k and still live well without any financial concerns, then surely she can see the benefit of her daughter and grandchildren being more comfortable because she is lucky enough to be able to help. You were using foodbanks while your mother lived what sounds like a very well off existence. I suspect because she has never had to worry about money, she cant empathise with the reality of what you would give up to pay it back to her.