Borrowed money from my mum

[Finallyoutofthewoods]

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

My dad is on 35k a month and I’m still paying him back a 5.5k loan he gave me.
He’s also charging me rent in a house he’s paid off and I’m not the slightest bit bitter.
Simply put it’s his money not mine.
I really hope I can raise my son to have the same beliefs as me as I can’t stand that my sister feels entitled to my parents money because my dad is rich.
I’m in no way entitled to it and it was given to me as a loan.
Does he need it, no, do I need it more as a pregnant mum to be on >50k a year yes but I’m certainly not entitled to it so I’ll be paying back every penny.

You borrowed the money and your mother lent it to you on the agreement that you would repay it. What has changed that you want to go back on your word? You have done brilliantly to repay outsiders so why don't you want to do the same for your mother? You were happy to have her money and really ought to be happy to pay it back. Why should she write it off? Her financial situation is not relevant. You promised.

"Mentioning" that your debts were almost cleared when you know full well you owe her £10k was a bit provocative, why did you do that?

I just want to say that I’ve just read the thread and been behind you the whole way. The conclusions some people have jumped to are ridiculous.

I’m so sorry you were in an abusive relationship and I’m so very pleased you managed to remove yourself and you children from that life.

That you’ve nearly cleared the debt is amazing. It take grit, dedication and a huge amount of sacrifice, not just for you but your kids as well. You also become very savvy with money very fast!

I borrowed £30k from my dad for a deposit on the house - he said a few years later that he was shocked I paid it back, bit by bit.

So I’m glad you’re going to talk to your mum - I’d have advised you to do three repayment plans: a super low one, a middling one you wouldn’t mind paying and a higher rate one that would hurt but be doable, and include the ensuing household budget of each and how it would impact each one on your and your kids’ lives. With each of those, even the harsh one, ensure you keep room for deposit savings (as that’s equally important for your future).

Then let your mum pick which one she would prefer.

She may write it off. She may pick the harsh one. It’s a gamble. But she’ll appreciate the gesture and will hopefully work with you to find something that works for all of you.

And whatever she chooses - when it’s finally all sorted, you’ll feel amazing. I did!

Good luck, and glad your life is turned around with a better relationship, blended family and a future ahead of you now ☺️

It would cost your mum money to edit the will, over a hundred pounds. Why not just start now? I would set up a standing order of £50 per month.

Your mum may not need it back right now but she lent you money with no strings attached when you needed it, on the condition you pay it back some day. I would suggest you ask her if it's OK for you to hold off paying it back for a while longer. At least pretend that you intend to reimburse her. Don't take her generosity for granted.

It sounds like a loan to me, if she wants it back I think you need to accept it needs to be paid back, maybe do it at a slower rate and build some savings up first or in parallel. That said there is no harm in asking if she would mind considering it an advance on your inheritance, or asking her to give the same to your siblings (sounds like she has the cash) and then if she survives 7 more tax years they get it free of IHT and lots of people are very happy to do anything to screw the government out of money!

First of all, what a huge story, and thank you for sharing. Kudos to you, you have had it tough, and come out the other side, as hard as it is, it is always important to pay your main bills and have food and a roof over your head, well done, you are on the road to recovery.

So your Mum and her repayments. Please do not go through all the struggle again, if your Mum loves you, and I am pretty sure she does, she wouldn’t want that for you either. Over the years my daughter has borrowed bits and pieces from me, always paid back however long it takes. Sometimes she has done jobs for me, I hate, to repay me that way too.

What about a savings account that you can pay into, so your Mum can see money going into, plus gives not much I know, but some interest. That way you can always see the total. Perhaps have in joint names so that both parties have to be present to withdraw, so no dipping in?

You cannot pay what you do not have especially in todays age of living. Yes it may take years to repay Mum, but at least you are trying. Please do not get out another loan or anything if you are feeling guilty, your Mum isn’t charging you interest. An ISA maybe the best bet, one you cannot dip into and fixed.

A couple of suggestions there, but whatever you do keep a paper trial of everything.

The best news is you have worked hard getting yourself out of debt, well done🙂

How is DM getting a pasting, despite having lent £10,000 to her DD interest free to support her in a crisis?

Many of us would’ve loved to be in the position to have been able to borrow from family when we had nowhere else to turn and now be close to paying it all back.

Yes, and ask her whether your siblings also paid back all the money paid for them.

The agreement was that you would pay back the money when you were able (which are quite generous terms to be honest). Now you are saying you don't want to pay her back in her lifetime.

Because some people bleed their parents dry !

Raise it with her before she raises it with you, or raise it with her rather than knowing she is thinking about it.

Talk to her openly about how realistically you could pay it back in instalments, or could you in all innocence maybe say “what arrangement did you come to for sibling repaying her car? I could try and match that? Would that be fair?”. And say you wondered how she might feel about evening it out in her Will to make it fair”

Have the discussion.

She is far more likely to write it off if you approach her offering repayment, than if she is looking at you doing well, talking about house deposits but conveniently neglecting to talk to her about her loan. That will just make her feel taken for granted.

If she was struggling financially, then yes, it would be the right thing to start paying her back, but she's very comfortable financially. Honestly she could easily write it off. I'd never do that to my children.

Firstly, I hope you are seriously proud of yourself for achieving what you have after such a terrible time and I hope you have now got the happiness you deserve :-)

Having recently been through a will dispute situation, I wouldn't even mention any will. You can't possibly predict what will happen in the future.

I would simply get on and offer my Mum the repayment now that things are better to save any potential resentment later on from any side. Maybe she will offer to write it off, maybe she won't but the original agreement was that it was paid back.

I know what I would do as a parent, but I would just get it out of the way, regardless of how well off she is or isn't, that's irrelevant.

This is so difficult. On one hand she had a right to ask for it back as it was agreed as a loan.
Personally if it was me in a good financial position I would write it off completely on the agreement that there were no more lends in the future.

if it had been one of my kids I would have written it off.

You have done really, really well to clear most of your debts. Don't loose sigh of how well you have done.

It sucks when you are left with debts from getting out of a relationship and when you have DC.

I'm not sure that it really is fair to say that you would have written off such a loan to your DC. The sad truth is that you are not currently in a position to actually lend your DC that amount.

Could you have a serious conversation with your DM. I really wouldn't ask about her will - no one wants to think about their own death benefitting anyone. Agree a repayment plan with her, maybe one that lets you spend some on your DC while continuing payments to DM, maybe split that 50:50.

And then stick to it. Your DM will respect you so much more for living within your means.

I'd expect DC to pay back if they asked for a loan. We have given that level of support for specific purposes because we can afford it. If they asked for a loan I would do what my parents used to do for me. Provide the loan and save what they pay back, and give them the total once they have paid it back.

If you write off a loan, there is always the risk that they come back and ask for more which puts a parent in a difficult position.

It's also IMO unfair to suggest that your DM has not 'earned' or does not deserve her inheritance from your DF's estate and pension.

Realistically, how are you going to save a deposit when the first thing you want to do when you have some extra cash is to blow it on holidays and dinners out?

You need to pay her back. Even if it's £100 a month so you can build up a 'buffer' in terms of savings for an emergency. You borrowed the money clearly understanding it was to pay back. Your mum might not leave everything to you and your sister either. It's time to take responsibility.

I'm shocked at some of the messages on here. Surely you always support your children to lead happy, fulfilling lives whatever it takes. You've been through a lot and your mum sounds privileged and selfish. How can she justify living such a luxury life while you are struggling.

Firstly, you said “I know what she was thinking” (that she wants you to start paying her back). You don’t know what she was thinking unless she tells you. She may well have been thinking it would be nice if you now offered to pay her back! You should be offering to pay her back. Your attitude is poor. YABU

What kind of mother or grandmother lets their family struggle at a food bank when they are more than able to help out!

I don’t think you came off badly…. I’d have a frank convo with her and say that in order not to further deprive your children of a childhood and to save against future financial storms, you can pay back £100 a month like you suggested.

if she goes for that then great, if she wipes the debt even better. If she insists on more you could offer £150 and/or that the will is updated to consider the balance

good luck

100% agree with you etcher70. It's a mother-child relationship, not a bank loan.

YADNBU
I can't believe she wouldn't write off the debt.