Borrowed money from my mum

[Finallyoutofthewoods]

I know this thread will potentially get a lot of negative comments - please be kind

About 5 years ago I was in the worst financial position I had ever been in. Single parent, trying desperately to take on a mortgage alone after a family breakdown, in massive debt as I ended up saddled with the debt from my marriage as it had all been put in my name - anything we had done to our house, holidays, kids stuff, the lot had all gone in my name as my ex had a dreadful credit rating

My mum on the other hand is extremely financially well off - her house paid for in cash, she paid for her brand new car in cash, she receives the equivalent of a £60k salary in a private pension - my late fathers pension - as well as full state pension. My mum has not worked since she was in her early 20’s - I know Dad paid off her NI contributions so she would get full state pension. She has decent savings and literally doesn’t and never has had to worry about money. She spends money like it’s water though - she uses my email address for any large purchases she makes and for example she spent £8k on blinds for a really small conservatory a few months ago. The conservatory literally fits 2 small chairs and a cafe table in it, so why the blinds were £8k is beyond me.

5 years ago I asked if I could borrow £10k off her in an attempt to clear some of the debt so I would be able to cover the mortgage application to keep our family home. She lent it to me with the agreement that one day if I’m ever sorted I would start to pay it back

As it is, I ended up having to sell the property at a massive loss as I was just short on the mortgage amount and ended up taking on a further £12k credit card and loan debt to cover the mortgage shortfall, solicitors and estate agents fees - essentially wiping out the £10k that she had given me to help out.

I moved into a rented property and had around a total of £25k of credit card debt plus a £5k loan I had to take out to pay the mortgage shortfall off. Really struggled - had to feed my kids from a food bank. Lived an utterly miserable life truth be told and I honestly at my low points struggled to soldier on, especially through covid when I was furloughed and bringing in every less. She knew how low I was and at most, would pass me the odd £20 here and there.

I turned my life around 2 years ago through hard work. My debts are in a completely different place now - I’ve got £2k left on a credit card and my car - which I bought with a loan last year as had to have a decent ish car for work (sales job, car allowance and I cover around 20k miles+ per annum) I live with my new partner in his mortgaged house and pay towards that, we are hoping to buy a house together at some point but wont be doing until I actually have some savings to be able to pay towards the deposit

Anyway, I happened to mention to my mum that my debts were almost cleared and I could tell what she was thinking - that it was time to start paying the £10k back to her

Now I do appreciate that I did borrow this from her in good faith and she was so kind to help me out but Im finally at a stage where I can start to do things with my kids too as well as start a savings account. It’s like our lives have been on hold for over 5 years and she knows how much I’ve struggled. So for me to pay her back at the rate that I had been trying to clear my debts, it would mean that our lives are on hold for quite a bit longer

I have managed to clear my debts purely through commission I receive through my sales job - so it’s not guaranteed each month either. I’ve just worked hard and been lucky

I have considered asking if the debt could be factored into her will - so whatever the amount is, that my sibling would receive £10k more than me. Ive also considered proposing paying her back at a rate of £100 per month - equally I do feel like £100 is a drop in the ocean for her, she literally does not need it. I’m certainly not going to ignore the fact that the debt is there but I know she’s going to ask soon. What would you do?

Start paying her back, it will put you in a good light.

If it was me I would pay the loan back at the rate of between £150/200 per month on standing order over 10 months each year

I'm sorry OP but can you not see how entitled this comes across?

You've unilaterally decided that you deserve that £10k more than your Mum does.

This is despite her doing a very nice thing by lending you it in the first place and not chasing you about it for how ever many years.

If I were in your position I would have a frank conversation with her. Tell her you are grateful for the money she lent to you while you were in that situation but explain you still have another £2k to pay off before you are free of your other debts. Explain what you would ideally like to do (save to buy a house with your new partner) but also explain you would like to begin paying her back once the £2k is paid. If she really doesn't need it then you may be surprised. She may just write it off however, if you don't offer to pay her back (however small amount a month) then she will probably feel you have taken her for granted and it will make her want the money back more so?
I would be honest with her but be careful not to assume it would all come to you when she passes (or say that?) I am sure the last thing she wants reminding of is her mortality. Who knows, she might plan to leave what you believe to be your inheritance to a charity?!
On the flip side, if she had helped you more when you had needed it, it might not have given you the push you needed to find a decent job and pay everything off yourself. It must be a great feeling to know you have accomplished that yourself?
Don't assume that just because your Mum didn't work that she had an easy life. Maybe your Dad didn't want her to work and maybe caring for you and your sister was work in itself? Don't give her a hard time just because she's living her best life now.

Are you fretting about this because of a sense of guilt or is she really thing it?

If you can comfortably pay back £100 pm do so. Easier said than done but see if you can talk to her. These things are desperately difficult. One hopes she says she'll factor it in to the will x

You are in debt to your mother and it's not fair to ask her not to pay off the loan you owe. Why put the responsibility on her to have to have to ask her daughter to do what is right? Get off the sofa and out to work and do the right thing by returning her £10k

Definitely ask if it can come out of inheritance. Be ready with a payment plan if she demurs. Tell her what you’ll pay and wait for her to push back.

Although you might feel fed up with being in debt, you have to honour your debts. At least she didn’t charge you interest! With inflation she’ll be receiving 10-15% less than she lent you.

Fabulous to have worked your way out this far! X

Pre-empt the discussion with your Mum and assume whole-heartedly that you have to pay it back. Do not wait for her to be the one to raise it with you. Offer a sum equivalent to half of what you have been paying off the credit card debt - from the month after the credit card debt is gone so you don’t suddenly feel flush only to have that change shortly thereafter. There is personal credibility with your Mum at stake. Just because you were badly off before does not mean that’s as bad as it will ever get (I know this from my own experience) and should that be the case again at some point in the future, your conscience needs to be clear. She needs to know that if you ever need help again, she can do so without jeopardising her own future. It’s also not a good feeling long term knowing you are the child who needed bailing out and didn’t pay it back. You will be 10 feet tall if you get all square with her and then your money truly is all your own. Phenomenal that you have done so well already - keep pushing right until the finish line xx

It’s insensitive and cruel to ask her to just leave you less when she dies - you need to offer to pay back you owe. You borrowed it and you must offer to pay it back at a rate you can afford.

I have ‘lent’ my adult children numerous amounts over the years, rent deposits being one reason. I never expected to get it back. And didn’t! If I’m ever in financial trouble, I would hope they would help me back. Should be a mutual trust between parents and offspring. But realise that is often not the case. You should sit down with your mum and have an honest conversation about the loan.

The greatest respect to you for turning your life around , BUT your mum deserves the offer of her loan back, that was your agreement when she helped you out .

100% this. It must hurt like hell. We'd do it without thinking for our kids. My mother in similar position while I went bankrupt, single mum, useless dad for our kids. Did nothing. I turned it around too. It hurts more when you get a chance to breathe in again. I hope she does the right thing. Your sis should be backing you up. My sister and I would back each other any way we could. I hope you're ok. X

Tell your mum where you are at and ask her if she still wants the £10k back. She may be so happy you've achieved so much through shear hardwork she may say no, the not knowing will eat at you, so just ask. Good luck

I don’t think you can, in all conscience, consider yourself debt free until you’ve paid back the money to DM.

As it was agreed as a loan, honour the terms. It’s not fair to change the goal posts and expect her to write it off or take it out of future inheritance, despite her fortunate financial position.

It would be disappointing if you started to have any conversation with her, other than one agreeing the repayment plan.

There’s a vast difference between living from food banks and luxury spending on restaurant meals and holidays.

Set an amount for as much as you reliably can pay back each month - ie minus your commissions.

You borrowed the money. ie you acknowledged it was a loan and you would repay it. It makes no difference if she is well off, that is her business not yours. In the same way you wouldn't borrow money from a bank and say they have more money than you therefore you won't pay it back. You seem like a spoilt brat.

You mentioned she lent it with the agreement to pay it back when you're sorted. That's very vague, not stating once your debts are paid off. I wouldn't say you're sorted yet. In my eyes you being sorted is when you basically have the 10k to hand again. Or are able to do normal things aswell as being able to start paying it back. So right now isn't the time to pay it back. Also find it crazy she can waste 8k on blinds, but not help her struggling daughter with the 10k and write it off, like she did with her blinds. I dno what sort of mum wouldn't go to the end of the world for her kids. Like for example i can imagine yourself, you would rather go poor and give your kids the luxury and the good life, seeing your kids happy is what life is about. So she is strange.

You're trying to force her hand here. You can't do that. You need to go to her with a proposal of how much you can afford to pay a month and ask if she's ok with that.

I feel sorry for people on this thread who clearly come from families that treat each other like strangers.

My parents died young. I had no inheritance. For various reasons, FiL was scammed and had no pension (not even State) and MiL's pension is mostly based on Married Women's Contributions.

My DH has been made redundant multiple times with negligible payouts or none.

Despite this, the family to whom we lent money told themselves and everybody else that we didn't need the money repaid to us. And that's why they've had multiple holidays, decent cars, lots of help and assistance.

And why we've nursed along 2 cars into lasting >20years, had no holidays, and never been able to book people to maintain our house but had to do whatever we could do ourselves.

I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. I'd feel it's a good outcome if people take away the lesson that it's not up to the person who received the loan to decide it should be a gift. And it's not always true that somebody is correct in their estimation of your financial circumstances.

You asked your mum for a loan when you got yourself into a financial pickle, your mum generously lent you £10,000 with no strings other than pay back when you are clear. Sounds like she hasn't even mentioned it since.

Now you are in a position to pay it back, you conveniently forget about or dismiss her generosity and gripe at her perceived privilege instead. Charming. She hasn't even asked for it back!

Do the grown up thing and speak to your very generous mum about your position now and see what her expectations are.

I feel sorry for families where their adult children are so irresponsible to get into serious debt, beg for loans and STILL think they are entitled to their parents money and deserve nice things and holidays whilst owing 10K!
Shocking attitude,some people never teach their children this or expect them to grow up and take responsibility.
Aaaand here we go again
Op is buying streaming services, decorating and paying towards another man's house and thinks she deserves financial freedom aka spending what she likes !
Wooo!

This is incredibly harsh. To the point of being unpleasant.

Your son only has himself to be responsible for. The OP had DC to feed and house. Your son was also not saddled with debts from an abusive ex.

If I had a daughter who'd managed to keep her family afloat and pay off £30k of debt I'd be incredibly proud of her and certainly wouldn't be trying to get her to immediately pay off a debt to me that I could manage very well without. I'd also be thanking my lucky stars that my husband had been able to support me, my children and accrue a big pension that I'm living very comfortably from.

You aren’t being unreasonable. Sadly, you don’t have a mothering, caring mother who gladly helps her children. Some parents can’t bear to see their children/grandchildren suffer - others don’t care and justify their decision not to help too much.

Perhaps your relationship with your mother has always been strained - perhaps your father thought she would share and care. Whatever the case, as far as she’s concerned, it’s her money and your tough luck, if you’re struggling.

Try not to resent her inability to give but ABSOLUTELY ENSURE you set a better example for your own children. You’ve done well! Be proud of yourself! 🥰

I have only read the first page of this...
As a Mother..... and a Mother in an incredibly, privileged position thanks to the Father. I would most certainly write this debt off as a good will gesture to her precious daughter and grandchildren. Plus, maybe give the other sibling the equal amount, to make it even.

I would also be proud of the way the OP has provided for her children, worked hard and has turned her life around.

But maybe that's just me... a MOTHER!

That's in response to @DoorstoManual

In your dm's position I'd write it off & if she has the means I don't understand why she'd want it back.
But if she does I'd just agree an affordable amount a month