Am I missing something? Having friends over

[Mob2011]

Post lockdown my group of friends have made a bit of a habit of nights in rather than nights out, these seem to have ended up being mostly at my house. Our friendship group is

Friend 1- fairly newly moved in with partner, small house with small garden, box room is an office.

Friend 2 - single mum, 2 kids age 4 & 5, 3 bedrooms but one is office as works from home. Kids no set routine with their dad as he is a shift worker.

Both live 25min ish drive away in different directions.

Friend 3 - 3 kids, 5, 7 & 9, safe walking distance of my house (well lit, populated, within a couple of minutes walk), husband is wfh and around a lot- space at home but no spare room.

Me- 2 kids 8&10 and 15 yo SS around 50% of the time but often out with friends or at his pt job near our house, husband away a lot with work, abroad 3ish full weeks a month.

We have the largest house (not to brag, but feel this is relevant) and are well set up for having people/younger children over as I have small nephews so never got rid of the smaller kids stuff, have spare rooms and it’s pretty easy to keep everyone happy. I have absolutely no issue with having everyone here and it’s easier to put the kids to bed together and then the adults can have a glass of wine and dinner and actually have a conversation, older kids can do PlayStation in the playroom or whatever. It also saves me getting a babysitter or trying to manage bigger kids bored/squeezed in at someone else’s house, not leave SS by himself for too long if he’s with us or sort taxi if I want a wine. Friend down road will generally run her kids back at bedtime and then pop back for a drink with us. Everyone will bring a dish, bottle, something for the kids etc so doesn’t leave me out of pocket and everyone is respectful of the house and will tidy up if there is any mess.

I have arranged a catch up in a couple of weeks and my husbands gone off on one about why is it always here, why does no one else host and it’s not fair on our kids that other people use their stuff. He’s always funny about it and I cannot think of a single reason for it to be an issue. He’s not here, the kids enjoy it and it affects him in no way.

Am I missing something?? I want to understand his feelings as it’s his home also so don’t want him to feel like his space is being invaded but going elsewhere would just make it far more stressful for me or involve me going alone on his very limited time at home. When I ask him he just says he doesn’t think it’s fair on me.

Sorry, longer than I intended this to be but didn’t want to drip feed

Not everyone likes having company regularly, I’m very lucky in that my husband are very similar in the way we like seeing friends but having parties or large get togethers that we can’t escape easily from are a huge no for us. I totally understand where he is coming from. You are forcing him to socialise in his own home quite regularly it would drive me batty.

Is it a control thing perhaps rather than jealousy?
I once had a partner who automatically disliked all of my friends... it put me off inviting anyone over so I never did. He would make sarcastic comments about them when we were on our own, or say "her again?" if they phoned up.
Once I got away from him I was surprised at how many friends I made!

She’s not forcing him to do anything of the kind. He’s abroad for three weeks of every month.

Is your h controlling about other friends you see, about you seeing family or working, for example?

Another vote for him being jealous that you're enjoying yourself without him. What an arse.

He’s not there, he’s working abroad.

@Mob2011 my dh was a bit like this. I was raised in a house where anyone could drop in and stay. My df ran the local folk club and often I’d get up for breakfast to find some group members sat at the table.

My dh however never once had people to stay as a dc because all his family lived nearby.

We moved away and his family visit all the time.
He is used to people staying now but initially he just couldn’t understand why I allowed anyone to stay and would also complain that I was being taken advantage of although it didn’t affect him much as I did everything because he worked long hours.

I love a house full of people.

It is not fair enough if it does not impact him at all, but would negatively impact op if they didn't come. That is really selfish.

Tell him you need adult company and you are not getting much of it from him, so he can accept the presence of your friends when he is not around or change his job.

Maybe he thinks...
Maybe hes upset because...

Maybe if he just bloody vocalise his actual thoughts instead of coming up with wish washy words about how unfair it is to...the children, you...when what he actually means is that HE doesnt like it but wont tell you why.

As long as you always have them when he’s not there I don’t see a problem. If you have them when he is there then yes that could irk someone in their own home.

hes projecting.
and now that hasnt worked hes upped it and is trying to now make it seems like your the problem and ITS a problem when it all just his problem
unless there is something hes feeling or thikning that your not writing here this is just him.him.him.
some people really dont like successsful people,some good looking,some having fun,some happy in themselves. its all becasue they are lacking (they think) so they dont like other might possibly have and be ok with their lot

They live 25 minutes away, I don’t understand why the entire family has to stay at yours on a regular basis. Why don’t they go home? To be honest, I wouldn’t like so many people being in my home and sleeping over on a regular basis either.

I think when one person in a group has a significantly grander house with more hosting space - might it be that the any of the rest of the group feel self conscious about their smaller homes? You've provided a very specific room count -
I know people will say that they shouldn't but I think people feel judged by their home size/location.

Or, should I say, many feel self-conscious

Does he think they are taking advantage of you?

Other than that I can't think of one reason why he feels aggrieved by it. What does he say when you ask him why its an issue?

Exactly! Here we have yet another thread of mainly, I assume, women, trying to figure out the reasoning of a man.

It doesn't matter.

He’s always funny about it and I cannot think of a single reason for it to be an issue.

Stop thinking about it. Honestly. If he can't tell you why he's being funny about it, just leave him to be funny about it and ignore him. He's not at home and he doesn't get to dictate what happens when he's not around.

what isn't fair on you is that he chooses to work away from home three weeks out of four, leaving you with all of the childcare, not just of your own children but his son as well.

It's not fair that Other people will use the kids stuff? What's does he mean by that?

Probably just plain old meaness and doesn't like to think of his lovely property being used as a club house so much. Dressing it up as concern for you.

Sorry just to clarify that this isn’t every weekend. Probably every couple of months when we all want to get together as a group and he is away.

We all meet up separately at each others houses for play dates, days out and whatever so it’s not everyone is always in my house.

It’s not significantly grander. It’s significantly larger than 50% of the group so just trying to explain why it makes sense to meet here. This is not an issue at all.

He’s jealous 100%. God forbid you have fun whilst he’s away working!

Have you asked him why he doesn’t like everyone in your house? You’ve mentioned kids things being used, but that’s probably an aside rather than the main reason.

This.

Probably this.
I guess he wants to “ be involved” but can’t. So he’s invented an issue so he can help.