Am I missing something? Having friends over

[Mob2011]

Post lockdown my group of friends have made a bit of a habit of nights in rather than nights out, these seem to have ended up being mostly at my house. Our friendship group is

Friend 1- fairly newly moved in with partner, small house with small garden, box room is an office.

Friend 2 - single mum, 2 kids age 4 & 5, 3 bedrooms but one is office as works from home. Kids no set routine with their dad as he is a shift worker.

Both live 25min ish drive away in different directions.

Friend 3 - 3 kids, 5, 7 & 9, safe walking distance of my house (well lit, populated, within a couple of minutes walk), husband is wfh and around a lot- space at home but no spare room.

Me- 2 kids 8&10 and 15 yo SS around 50% of the time but often out with friends or at his pt job near our house, husband away a lot with work, abroad 3ish full weeks a month.

We have the largest house (not to brag, but feel this is relevant) and are well set up for having people/younger children over as I have small nephews so never got rid of the smaller kids stuff, have spare rooms and it’s pretty easy to keep everyone happy. I have absolutely no issue with having everyone here and it’s easier to put the kids to bed together and then the adults can have a glass of wine and dinner and actually have a conversation, older kids can do PlayStation in the playroom or whatever. It also saves me getting a babysitter or trying to manage bigger kids bored/squeezed in at someone else’s house, not leave SS by himself for too long if he’s with us or sort taxi if I want a wine. Friend down road will generally run her kids back at bedtime and then pop back for a drink with us. Everyone will bring a dish, bottle, something for the kids etc so doesn’t leave me out of pocket and everyone is respectful of the house and will tidy up if there is any mess.

I have arranged a catch up in a couple of weeks and my husbands gone off on one about why is it always here, why does no one else host and it’s not fair on our kids that other people use their stuff. He’s always funny about it and I cannot think of a single reason for it to be an issue. He’s not here, the kids enjoy it and it affects him in no way.

Am I missing something?? I want to understand his feelings as it’s his home also so don’t want him to feel like his space is being invaded but going elsewhere would just make it far more stressful for me or involve me going alone on his very limited time at home. When I ask him he just says he doesn’t think it’s fair on me.

Sorry, longer than I intended this to be but didn’t want to drip feed

I hope you're going to carry on the way you are happy with, OP. It sounds lovely.
Your DH may be controlling, jealous of the fun, concerned about you, or the house, but he isn't there and it largely doesn't affect him, so he will have to accept things as they are. You're allowed to have a life.

I do think it’s poor form the others are not taking a turn op. You might be more central etc etc but it would be nice for your dc to go elsewhere to play occasionally.
Also nice for you to put your feet up and someone can host the night.
You sound generous and kind hearted. I imagine he is looking at for you if he is a decent person.

I get the impression he’s feeling hard done by, taken advantage of in some way as though he’s doing all the work & sacrifice & you & your friends & their kids are all getting the benefit & use of all his labours & he’s resentful of it.
He isn’t saying it because he knows it’s unreasonable & not true so but is still feeling hard done by in some way so is using the kids’ belongings argument to justify it. Interestingly the underlying theme is people using things & it not being fair.
So either he’s not 100% happy working abroad, maybe he feels he works more than he relaxes, maybe he feels he’s missing out of fun going on in his home that he physically can’t be a part of, maybe he feels other people spend more time in his own home than he does. Presumably it’s his choice to work abroad but maybe it takes a toll being away for so long nonetheless. I don’t think he’s being reasonable to make you feel bad for enjoying yourself but he maybe isn’t happy about his situation & it needs addressing.

He’s not here, the kids enjoy it and it affects him in no way.

Am I missing something?? I want to understand his feelings as it’s his home also so don’t want him to feel like his space is being invaded

Don't pander to the twat.
He's feeling territorial, & is coming over like Victorian Dad fun-sponge.
Just laugh at him & ask WTF effect it has on him when he's not even there.

We had house guests and I couldn't believe the wear and tear on the house an amount of broken toys.
Is he a more material things kind of person than you? Neither is wrong, but I wonder if he sees carnage / stuff to sort out, that you do not.

Have to talk about it really.

I'm also in the not pandering to this camp.
When people work away from home for the majority of the month, they have to accept that life goes on without them - you can't exist only when he's home. You are entitled to a social life and a support network. I think it's a good thing if women don't have all their eggs in one basket.
There's something very selfish and wrong in trying to make you feel bad about having friends and a nice life. Particularly when it has zero negative impact on him.

The only thing I would say is to keep your bedroom or his office (if he has one) out of bounds to guests and keep your children's special toys separate because people do tend to mind about certain possessions. But other than that, this is really your decision

Totally agree, @ImAvingOops

This is only happening once every couple of months. OP's friends have not moved in!

It soudns absolutely fine, and your h is being weird.

Is he controlling in other ways?

Agree with this

It sounds a lovely arrangement, and loads of fun, I've got to admit though - and this is probably completely irrational - That I would feel a bit anxious about lots of people being in my house whether or not I was there. Even if I knew and liked them all! I just feel that my house is my refuge from the world. I would love to be a hospitable person with lots of guests popping in but I'm too uptight. He may be similar but if he is he should really be honest with you about it. But whatever the reason, its you're home too to enjoy as you wish!

So, from OP's latest update it seems they do visit each other for playdates etc, they only use hers for the overnight ones because there's more space, and do help with food and tidying up. That seems entirely reasonable to me.

I'm reminded of my dad, who found out my mother was having neighbours round for tea, usually one at a time mind you and no kids in tow (we'd have been at school). He absolutely put his foot down about it, and as we were a very old-fashioned household, what he said went. One time I plucked up courage to ask him why. He said something about he understood DM so well and he knew the visitors would be whispering and laughing about "the state of the house" and that she would be hurt when she found out. Sounded like BS to me even as a child. And of course it was (especially as the best bits of furniture were hers, and she spent hours every day trying to keep the house to his fussy standards). The only people we were allowed to have round regularly were his extensive family, who - absolutely great people, don't get me wrong, we had some seriously fun times - were the ones most likely to have Views and not be afraid of expressing them.

My guess is he doesn’t like your friends that much - so anything they do annoys him + he has a bit of a negative personality in general

Most of us haven't lived away from their home 3 weeks in 4 and we don't know how that affects how someone might feel about their home. You're literally asking what his "logic" could be and he doesn't seem able to tell you. My guess would be something about having home as his safe place that he doesn't get very often, and these get togethers (which sound fabulous!) somehow mentally impinging on that? On one hand it's illogical when he is not there, but OTOH loads of people have illogical feelings about their home. We buy houses on "feel".

I was a boarder from a young age, and as an adult I have a visceral need to have a safe place to retreat to. Preferably surrounded by barricades and mantraps. I'm quite uncomfortable with the idea of housesitters while we're away, maybe it's a similar sort of thing. I am not sure anyone can relate unless they spend weeks at a time away from home.

However it's obviously your home too and there is nothing unreasonable about what you're doing. Maybe some sort of boundaries on making sure people are kept out of your bedroom and some sort of man cave area might help? Or reassurance about how little they are there - if it's once every 2 months, tell him it won't be more often than that. Obvs the insight can only really come from him.

Also has he been working away the whole time you've owned the house? if so I wonder if it's possible it doesn't actually feel like home to him at all, it feels like he's in your home and you having friends round without him just accentuates this. PPs will probably think this sounds daft - I'm just drawing on my own experience and I make no claim that it's logical.

Has he found something of his, damaged, broken, misplaced? Does he not like the idea of your friends having full access to the house and his stuff while he's not there?

Have you ever said anything that he might construe as you being unhappy about the arrangement just in normal conversation like, 'that child of so and so is a bit of a nightmare', or so and so dropped something, broke something. Not really meaning anything bad just chatting.

That sounds a brilliant set up, I wish my friends were close enough to do this. I'd happily host too, easier than going out with kids!

Perhaps it's just something else bothering your DH and he's just being grumpy?

This is interesting. He was also a boarder from a young age and other than lockdown when travel wasn’t possible has always been away a lot.

Pre covid we were all very much in the small children stage of softplay/park and home for the teatime, bathtime, bedtime routines by 5pm so it’s only in the last year or so now the kids are a bit older some more flexibility has come with it.

Maybe he does feel like he is just visiting when he’s here and that my friends are so comfortable here is making that worse. Our bedroom and his office are out of bounds and other than the usual things of having our own 3 boys in the house nothing has been lost/broken that would cause an issue.

Thanks for all the input. Definitely given me some food for thought.

If he was a boarder that explains a lot. At boarding school your room, stuff and space is never your own. Anyone can and does walk in constantly into your space and your stuff gets lost, borrowed and stolen some of the time. I think it’s understandable given this update. Have a broader discussion about this. Locks on your bedroom and his study door?
Maybe the sleepovers can continue in a different way. It’s his home, he should have some autonomy about how it’s used. If your friends are more comfortable than he is in your home, to me that is a problem.

When he says ‘it’s not fair on you’, what do you say back to that?

I’m glad you got that off your chest.

But just so you know. I wasn’t condoning it which is why I referred to his excuses as silly.

I was a boarder, from overseas and cannot relate to that explanation at all. It affected me by acting like the OP, not the opposite. But then I am not a controlling arse

My exH was an only child and didn’t like me having friends round in a casual ‘drop in’ way.

He used to argue that it was just as easy to meet in a coffee shop.

l concluded that as he and his mother led a very isolated life he had never been socialized to be ok about visitors. He had never learnt to share.

He also worried about the house being damaged- he had OCD and this thought seemed to really trouble him so l could never really relax anyway.

He also seemed to resent me having a nice time with visitors if he was at work. He would make comments like ‘You all sit there drinking coffee while the kids trash the house’ He had a very transactional nature and if he thought l was getting a better deal than him, he would be moody.

He also didn’t like me working long hours at work and coming home tired and felt l was being taken advantage off. Reality was.......he wasn’t getting the attention he wanted.

There was an undercurrent of meanness running through his behaviour. Your H should be able to recognise the benefit to you from these occasions and be glad you have company.

But why should that matter if everyone is happy with the arrangement?

If the OP was ending up out of pocket or the husband was being forced to endure social stuff that he didn’t want to it would be fair.

But if the OP’s house is much larger and it doesn’t infringe upon the husband’s life why should a theoretical commitment to having equal hospitality take precedence?

He is not even there!

I much prefer hosting than staying over at others or getting a taxi as I can start feeling sick after too many wines in a taxi.

Have you asked him what his actual problem is?

Fair point I just assumed he was complaining in a round about way about it happening when he was home.

If he does have issues around having been a boarder, it's up to him to sort them, without dumping those issues on his wife and making them her problem.
He might need to stop working abroad, for example, or plan in more fun, social activities when home, so he feels like a participant in the leisure.

To me, I think he sounds resentful that he's away working and you are having fun without him (which you are perfectly entitled to do. As I said, life doesn't stop). But he's dressing it up under the guise of thinking about you!
He's also ignoring that you are taking on the bulk of the parenting and keeping the home ticking over, even for the child which isn't technically yours! Without you doing that, his child wouldn't be able to spend anywhere near as much time in his dad's home. This is something your dh ought to be appreciative of.