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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I missing something? Having friends over

100 replies

Mob2011 · 02/03/2023 21:29

Post lockdown my group of friends have made a bit of a habit of nights in rather than nights out, these seem to have ended up being mostly at my house. Our friendship group is

Friend 1- fairly newly moved in with partner, small house with small garden, box room is an office.

Friend 2 - single mum, 2 kids age 4 & 5, 3 bedrooms but one is office as works from home. Kids no set routine with their dad as he is a shift worker.

Both live 25min ish drive away in different directions.

Friend 3 - 3 kids, 5, 7 & 9, safe walking distance of my house (well lit, populated, within a couple of minutes walk), husband is wfh and around a lot- space at home but no spare room.

Me- 2 kids 8&10 and 15 yo SS around 50% of the time but often out with friends or at his pt job near our house, husband away a lot with work, abroad 3ish full weeks a month.

We have the largest house (not to brag, but feel this is relevant) and are well set up for having people/younger children over as I have small nephews so never got rid of the smaller kids stuff, have spare rooms and it’s pretty easy to keep everyone happy. I have absolutely no issue with having everyone here and it’s easier to put the kids to bed together and then the adults can have a glass of wine and dinner and actually have a conversation, older kids can do PlayStation in the playroom or whatever. It also saves me getting a babysitter or trying to manage bigger kids bored/squeezed in at someone else’s house, not leave SS by himself for too long if he’s with us or sort taxi if I want a wine. Friend down road will generally run her kids back at bedtime and then pop back for a drink with us. Everyone will bring a dish, bottle, something for the kids etc so doesn’t leave me out of pocket and everyone is respectful of the house and will tidy up if there is any mess.

I have arranged a catch up in a couple of weeks and my husbands gone off on one about why is it always here, why does no one else host and it’s not fair on our kids that other people use their stuff. He’s always funny about it and I cannot think of a single reason for it to be an issue. He’s not here, the kids enjoy it and it affects him in no way.

Am I missing something?? I want to understand his feelings as it’s his home also so don’t want him to feel like his space is being invaded but going elsewhere would just make it far more stressful for me or involve me going alone on his very limited time at home. When I ask him he just says he doesn’t think it’s fair on me.

Sorry, longer than I intended this to be but didn’t want to drip feed

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 03/03/2023 00:33

If I was in your husband's shoes, id be jealous! Imagine working away 3 weeks a month while your other half is at home chilling with the kids and mates.

Tell him even though it's fun, you'd much rather spend the time with him. Maybe open up a conversation about is the fact he is away a lot bothering him?

Lavender14 · 03/03/2023 01:01

Do you still have the same get togethers during the week he's at home in the month or do these only happen when he's away?
I'm thinking if he's only home for a week and you're more social than he is then he might want more quality time to be with you as his family. Alternatively if he's working away does he feel that he can't catch up with you by phone or facetime easily because there are others there in the background?

If it only happens when he's away does he know all your friends and has he met them? Does he feel strange about people he doesn't know being in his space without him there.

Maybe he is worried you're left to clean up before/ after or that electricity is always being used at yours with the cost of living going up etc. Or maybe as others have suggested maybe one of the kids has made a comment and got him thinking. If he's not otherwise controlling then I wouldn't automatically jump to that conclusion. Why not sit down with him next time he's home and ask him to explain what specifically he's concerned about and see if you can reassure him that things are done fairly and you enjoy it. Maybe he's worried about the idea of his home being known as the party home and feeling obliged to host if he was at home more.

EyesOnThePies · 03/03/2023 01:07

So it’s fair on you that you look after his son (which is all fine, not saying you shouldn’t look after your Ds’s) while he is away, but not fair on you that you load the dishwasher after your mates have been round?

SunshineAndFizz · 03/03/2023 01:30

Maybe he just doesn't want people in his house all the time, even when he's not there. Totally fair enough, it's his house too.

SweetSenorita · 03/03/2023 01:52

SunshineAndFizz · 03/03/2023 01:30

Maybe he just doesn't want people in his house all the time, even when he's not there. Totally fair enough, it's his house too.

It doesn't sound anything like fair enough to me.

cantley · 03/03/2023 01:53

Husband is away 3 weeks every month and he doesn't want you to have friends over?
He's a knobhead.
He sounds jealous to me.
Sounds like it works perfectly with everyone pitching in on the night.
He doesn't want other kids playing with your kids toys? How old is he? Five?
Maybe he's hating being away so much and this is how he's expressing it.
He has absolutely no right to control you or comment if there's no impact on him.
No you aren't BU.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2023 02:23

"I just dont think its fair on you that them being here makes so much more work for you"

"Ok, I will cancel next month."

"Great!"

"Oh, have you booked a flight and arranged with school for StepSon to go with you when you are at work? Obviously him being here is to spend time with you and if you are not here it just makes more work and pressure for me, which I know you dont want and I know you want to spend time with him"

"What?!!!! Thats totally different....ermm....."

singer15 · 03/03/2023 02:24

Some people feel anxious about having people in their home. It could be as simple as that. Or perhaps he would resent becoming the default host for gatherings and thinks you 'should', as well. Does he think that the house is at risk of damage with so many visitors?

If he can't at least come up with an actual reason, he should make an effort to stop being difficult.

Sleepless1096 · 03/03/2023 02:31

I would tell him that it's nice of him to be concerned but could he kindly butt out. How you and the kids spend your time and who you invite over when he is away is no concern of his. And if you depended on him for company, you'd be very lonely, wouldn't you? And would probably be asking him not to work away so much. So it's great that you've got such good friends, isn't it?

Upsidedownpineapplecake · 03/03/2023 02:49

If he is saying it feels unfair I think that is probably what he feels. But the reason he is currently giving seems most likely the one he feels would make sense to others.

Much harder to say I feel like I am missing out or why don’t our friends have bigger houses because that looks petty and irrational

The other thought I had if he is a forward thinker and is looking to stop this type of work that he wouldn’t enjoy these get togethers if he was at home

Murdoch1949 · 03/03/2023 04:19

It may be linked to the weeks he is away, and wanting peace & quiet when he's home. If the gatherings are when he's away it may be that he's sad to be missing out on his home life. You're very generous to host so often, I can totally understand why you do. Maybe chat to your children to make sure they are totally ok with it, then talk to husband. It sounds as if you have a lovely group of friends.

TerrorAustralis · 03/03/2023 04:20

Is he normally a bit protective of "his things" and tight when it comes to socialising and sharing with other people? Does he enjoy hosting people at home when he is there with you?

Some people seem to view everything in life as a zero-sum game. By that I mean, they're worried that if they give or share it really means that they are losing something. So if people come over they're wearing out your carpet, using your water every time they flush the toilet, or somehow your kids' toys become worn out and less special when other kids play with them. Even the effort, however small, that you might put in to having people over (tidying up before they arrive, preparing food, washing the dishes afterwards) represents a loss.

These kinds of people are always wary that they are being used or are somehow losing something.

NumberTheory · 03/03/2023 04:42

He may honestly have thought your friends were taking advantage of you. Maybe he'd mentioned it to a work colleague and they'd made some throwaway comment that niggled him.

Or it could be that he's feeling the strain of being away so much and he's jealous (for want of a better term) of your friends getting to relax in his home with his spouse when he's stuck elsewhere with a bunch of boring grunts.

Or he could be a bit tight/stingy/controlling.

It's hard to say from the details you've given.

How did he respond to you telling him it was way easier for you this way and you much prefer it to having to go to their houses?

Nimbostratus100 · 03/03/2023 04:46

sounds like the set up works for everyone

sounds nice

Ffsmakeitstop · 03/03/2023 05:34

Sounds lovely. Neither of us has friends like that and I'm a bit envious.
I work and DH is retired and I very occasionally do overtime and he gets all offended on my behalf. It's always "why is it always you"? Because I offer and don't mind helping out but it in no way affects him but still he has to voice an oppinion. Sorry but of a rant but your DH is being an idiot.

Bansheed · 03/03/2023 06:06

Dog in a manger mentality. Mean.

autienotnaughty · 03/03/2023 06:11

If he's concerned just say you prefer it as it's easier for you. If he's genuinely worried for you that should stop it. If something else is bothering him he needs to say so.

Zanatdy · 03/03/2023 06:13

I’d sit down with him and say you’ve been thinking hard about this but can’t understand why he’s annoyed with it. See if he will open up a bit about what it is that’s bothering him. I don’t get what the issue is, if SS doesn’t care and it’s not costing you anymore than it would if someone else hosted. If he’s working away he should be glad you’ve got a bit of company as I’m sure it can be very lonely with him away a lot

Merlott · 03/03/2023 06:18

God another controlling B of a man.

Tell him to grow up and start inviting his own mates and their kids over if he's so bothered.

gwrachod · 03/03/2023 06:23

declutteringmymind · 03/03/2023 00:33

If I was in your husband's shoes, id be jealous! Imagine working away 3 weeks a month while your other half is at home chilling with the kids and mates.

Tell him even though it's fun, you'd much rather spend the time with him. Maybe open up a conversation about is the fact he is away a lot bothering him?

Why on earth should she say that to him?

He's being an arse and trying to spoil the OP's fun, and the DC too, for no good reason. (Jealousy is one of the worst reasons).

If it is jealousy, he needs to grow the fuck up, learn to put otter people first, not be pandered to "oh, I'm having fun with people I love, but really I'd much rather be with you". Yuck.

If he doesn't like working away, then he needs to look at changing his situation or dealing with his jealousy. Jealousy is not an emotion that should be indulged.

DesertRose64 · 03/03/2023 06:28

Perhaps he’s disgruntled that everyone is having fun without him but instead of saying he is he’s plucked silly excuses out of the air instead.

Fairyliz · 03/03/2023 06:34

Do you moan to him about being tired, which wouldn’t be unusual if you have kids and a job.
He’s perhaps linking this tiredness to hosting, as he feels guilty being away a lot and leaving it all up to you.

gwrachod · 03/03/2023 06:43

DesertRose64 · 03/03/2023 06:28

Perhaps he’s disgruntled that everyone is having fun without him but instead of saying he is he’s plucked silly excuses out of the air instead.

Perhaps he is, but if his response to feeling left out is to stop everyone else having fun, this should not be indulged or normalised.

My 9 year old has more emotional maturity than that, FFS.

He's a grown man.

BHRK · 03/03/2023 06:45

He’s being unreasonable. I grew up in a house where we had people over all the time and it was great.
your friends sound lovely and thoughtful and you do have the best set up for gatherings.
carry on

Threee · 03/03/2023 06:45

He’s sounds a bit strange, you get a lot of support and connection from your friends

in the summer you could always do some garden or park meet picnics just to vary things but that’s up to you