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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a house with my boyfriend of one year?

143 replies

Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 16:13

That's it, really.

We are both in our 40s. He's super kind and stable, no red flags. This is the best relationship I have ever had.

We are worried about being priced out of our area if we don't buy soon, as prices for family homes continue inexorably to rise, regardless of inflation or interest rate hikes.

We would go in totally 50/50 and I would make legal arrangements so my daughter would inherit my share if the worst were to happen.

Is it too soon? Is there something I am missing?

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 02/03/2023 16:14

How long have you lived together?

Namechangedagain20 · 02/03/2023 16:15

How old is your daughter?

Nagado · 02/03/2023 16:15

Have you lived together already?

Do you have similar ideas on finances and parenting roles?

Will you be using a solicitor to ensure that you and your daughter have as much protection as possible?

Whataretheodds · 02/03/2023 16:16

Are you buying as joint tenants or tenants in common?

Do you live together now? Have you discussed housework, bills, etc?

Magenta65 · 02/03/2023 16:17

I did it, just made sure all paper work noted we were 50/50 owners etc in event of a sale

Original poster
Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 16:20

We have never lived together. We both have properties to sell.

We have remarkably similar ideas about parenting and finances. He's probably less tidy but he strives to be an equal contributor to household tasks.

My daughter is 6 and is very fond of him. He's great with her.

I will put legal protections in place but obviously it's impossible to mitigate all legal risk.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 02/03/2023 16:21

We have never lived together.

So yes it’s obviously too soon!

Original poster
Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 16:23

@Coffeellama I am not sure why this is obvious? Do you need to live together before living together...?

He will probably sell his property first and then we will live together while sorting my sale/the purchase. But obviously then the pressure is on.

OP posts:
crochetcrazy1978 · 02/03/2023 16:25

I did this. I made sure we bought as tenants in common rather than joint tenants. This meant if one of us died our share could be willed to whoever we wanted rather than pass automatically to the other tenant

We also got the solicitor to draw up a deed of trust which stated that in the case of us separating and selling the house we each would get back the deposit we had put in and any remaining equity would be split 50/50

We were unmarried at the time. It worked out ok for us been here 8 years now and my boyfriend is now my husband 😊

Namechangedagain20 · 02/03/2023 16:26

My daughter is 6 and is very fond of him. He's great with her

I wouldn’t be moving in with a man after you’ve been together only a year when you have such a young child. It’s not fair on the child if it all goes wrong. You’ve only known each other a year, it’s quite soon to buy a house together anyway, let alone move him in with your daughter!

Original poster
Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 16:26

Oh yes, I would plan for us to be tenants in common for these same reasons @crochetcrazy1978

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 02/03/2023 16:26

Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 16:23

@Coffeellama I am not sure why this is obvious? Do you need to live together before living together...?

He will probably sell his property first and then we will live together while sorting my sale/the purchase. But obviously then the pressure is on.

That’s a really immature way of putting it OP. It’s obvious that it’s sensible to live together before selling your homes and buying a house together. What if you don’t enjoy living together? You are essentially trapped until the house is resold etc. Especially as you have a child to consider.

Nosandwichfilling · 02/03/2023 16:29

You can love someone as much as you like it doesn’t mean you can live in the same space.

MavisMcMinty · 02/03/2023 16:31

Keep your own property, is the best advice I can give. Rent it out, but don’t give it up. Yes I’m a cynic, but financially it pays to be. It’s much easier to leave someone when you have somewhere to go.

Original poster
Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 16:31

@Coffeellama the problem is that I don't know how we can trial living together when we have our own properties. He will be staying with me for a month soon but it's in my house (not crowded with his things) and we will both know it's temporary. But neither of us is going to sell without a plan, nor do we want to rent our homes out. And both our current houses are too small anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 16:32

@MavisMcMinty houses here cost over a million. I need to sell to have a deposit.

OP posts:
crochetcrazy1978 · 02/03/2023 16:33

Just to add he did move into mine after we had been together 18 months, (his house left empty) lived in mine for about 3 months then we felt happy to buy together and sold our house to but this place. Ended up moving in after being together 2 years. I had primary age children at the time too. It worked really well for us and the kids loved him. Maybe it was quick but it just seemed right

pilates · 02/03/2023 16:33

Can he come and live with you for say 6 months to see how you get on? It seems quite quick to jump in and sell both properties when you haven’t even lived together.

MavisMcMinty · 02/03/2023 16:34

My advice remains the same. Living with people is hard. Don’t get trapped.

Poscapen · 02/03/2023 16:39

I don't think you should do this without first having a trial period of the 3 of you living together.

sunlovingcriminal · 02/03/2023 16:39

We rented together when we first started. It was a good way of seeing if we/the kids got on. I rented out my (owned-too small) house. We've now bought a house together.

However, it was an expensive way of doing it. I had to pay tax obviously to rent out my house, and has to make changes to make it fit for rental. The income only just about covered my mortgage, tax, maintenance etc. It wasn't a money spinner.

I would say to this, you know what he's like, and what the relationship is like. In a perfect world you'd trial another situation first, but that isn't usually the case for most people. So go with your gut. Everything is a risk in life. With hindsight I wish we hadn't rented first, as it was massively disruptive when our landlord decided to sell the house we were renting and we all moved twice over the course of three years.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 02/03/2023 16:41

If you haven't lived together yet, it's a massive leap into buying a property together imo
The saying goes " you don't really know someone until you live with them" is true, in my experience.
I'd suggest he moves in with you, renting his place for at least 6 months first
After only a year and with a 6 year old child, I really wouldn't rush it

Minikievs · 02/03/2023 16:44

Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 16:23

@Coffeellama I am not sure why this is obvious? Do you need to live together before living together...?

He will probably sell his property first and then we will live together while sorting my sale/the purchase. But obviously then the pressure is on.

No, but you need to live together before BUYING together

B0g · 02/03/2023 16:44

Only been dating for a year and you want to make your child live with this new boyfriend? How does this prioritise her? Do you need to live together? Why not retain your independence and security?
Not questions to answer for anyone, just basic things that would’ve surely already been considered.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/03/2023 17:01

I think you're mad to buy a home with someone that you haven't lived with for at least a year. You've only been dating him for a year and there's your child involved. You're only rushing into this because you're concerned about housing prices.

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