To buy a house with my boyfriend of one year?

[Cicchetti]

That's it, really.

We are both in our 40s. He's super kind and stable, no red flags. This is the best relationship I have ever had.

We are worried about being priced out of our area if we don't buy soon, as prices for family homes continue inexorably to rise, regardless of inflation or interest rate hikes.

We would go in totally 50/50 and I would make legal arrangements so my daughter would inherit my share if the worst were to happen.

Is it too soon? Is there something I am missing?

Does your child want to live with this man?

@OriGanOver renters can cause absolute chaos. I honestly and truly don't blame him.

What a weird comment

@haveyoutriedturningitoffandthenonagain yes, she would love to live with him. She is always upset when he doesn't stay over in fact.

Are you planning to get married?

We didn’t live together before buying a house, neither of us had children and were in our 30s. We were together around 3yrs before we moved in. We would stay a few nights a week with each other and most weekends together. Has been great, now married with children!

@Dizzydebbie88 we will probably get married in the future, though I am a bit wary of this (due to marriage in general, not him)

Nope.

He's messy but promises to do better....don't they all🙄.

What is plan B?? when he gets totally on your tits with his mess and you are getting the Ick from it and him?

Your daughter is so young for the uncertainty of this.

You are too vulnerable with a child to be doing this with someone you barely know IMO.

What if your daughter doesn’t enjoy living with your boyfriend? You’ll have to stay until you can sell and find somewhere else. Nuts.

I loved one of my boyfriends so much, thought he’d be the one I married, but he was a nightmare to live with. I couldn’t wait to move out. We’d stayed over together lots, but it’s not the same. I lasted eight weeks.

Your primary responsibility is to your child, and this puts her in a very precarious position. Don’t look back and regret this rash move in years to come, and worse, risk damaging your relationship with her forever.

Why would you get married if you are wary of marriage?

I’d get married before you buy a house together.

How is it weird to say it’s too soon to buy a house together, when they’ve been together 1 year, never lived together and have a young child to consider. You may not share the same view but it’s not weird. She literally asked ‘is it too soon’

I honestly think this is bonkers.
There has to be some way for you both to live together for a year before committing to buying together.

If he's refusing to work together to try and make that happen then that would be a red flag for me.

I'd give the same advice to anyone. I know people get married without living together or even having sex but it's a very risky strategy and most that do it are bound by tradition/religion.

In addition you have a child. It's not just you that needs to be considered and protected.
What happens if you split. You own a house together and he won't leave. You then have to either live together, end up in rented whilst you sell.

Of course that could happen at any time but more likely if you've no idea if you can happily live together first.

I assume that my feelings about this will soften and we will probably want to have the legal rights associated with marriage longer term.

So you're being led by him to do things you aren't sure of.

Married to you and living with your child also means legal rights over her if he wanted.

He doesn't sound willing to make any sort of compromises in case of anything going wrong and you end up dragging your daughter from pillar to post, do you not blame him for that either?

@haveyoutriedturningitoffandthenonagain this guy is the least boundary-pushing man I have met. He would not dream of pressuring me to get married. But he does have his own boundaries, and he doesn't want to put his own property at risk. I respect this boundary.

As opposed to the chaos that this could cause to a young child's life, you sound very selfish

Surely you’d have to try living together first ideally in your property your daughters home and that’s fine. I would never just jump into living with someone ever again.

@flutterbyebaby that's really uncalled for and unnecessary. I have already been clear that my daughter loves my boyfriend. She would be delighted if we lived together.

I am obviously currently weighing the risks but it's not assured that this will end badly.

Okay but if he marries someone who doesn't really want to get married that's boundary pushing. Respecting his boundary doesn't mean marrying when you don't want to.

I think you're being manipulated OP. If this man truely loved you he'd not want to put your dds stability at risk. He'd want to take things slow. You wouldn't be feeling pressured to sell up and buy with him. You've only known him a year and he's trapping you but unfortunately you can't see it.

I expect you won't take any advice and you'll be back here on MN in a year asking how to get out of the situation you're going to put you and your dd in.

Good luck. You've made your mind up, you came here for validation as secretly you know it's not right and instead you're digging your heels in.

I really do wish you'd put your dd first in this but again I doubt it.

You cannot base this decision on whether your 6yr old likes him whilst she doesn't live with him fgs. Are you for real?

His house is worth less than yours, he has fewer assets, he's untidy and he 'strives to be an equal contributor to household tasks'.

🚩🚩🚩🚩

No way would I buy a house with someone I barely knew who (and you barely know him) when I had a child either.

And purely financial reasons are the very worst reason to buy a property together.

There’s no way I’d buy a house with someone after a year. With a kid in the mix, it becomes even more of a no go. You don't truly know someone after a year and it would be crazy to give up your security and your daughters security at this point.