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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a house with my boyfriend of one year?

143 replies

Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 16:13

That's it, really.

We are both in our 40s. He's super kind and stable, no red flags. This is the best relationship I have ever had.

We are worried about being priced out of our area if we don't buy soon, as prices for family homes continue inexorably to rise, regardless of inflation or interest rate hikes.

We would go in totally 50/50 and I would make legal arrangements so my daughter would inherit my share if the worst were to happen.

Is it too soon? Is there something I am missing?

OP posts:
IClaudine · 02/03/2023 18:37

strives to be an equal contributor to household tasks'

This would earn a no to living together for me. Why does he need to strive?

We are worried about being priced out of our area if we don't buy soon

How will you be priced out? You both own properties which will go up in value if prices rise.

Honestly, I would not do this. A year is nothing, you are still in the honeymoon period. You don't know each other well enough.

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 02/03/2023 18:39

I'd live in your house for a few months and prep his to sell. If you have two homes in single names you won't lose out financially as you'll be staying in the market. Split food. Get him to contribute a bit towards your energy costs and neither of you should be out of pocket compared to the current situation.

I wouldn't let timing the property market be a driving factor here when you have a child to think of.

Snowpaw · 02/03/2023 18:40

It sounds a bit like the worry about being priced out of the area is being put above your actual desire to live together? A rushed decision that is about the price than the desire to live together.

I would absolutely not tie myself to someone in such a big financial decision, after a year.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/03/2023 18:42

There is a massive difference between living with a 6yo occasionally and full time.

Just as for a 6yo there’s a big difference between sharing your mum a few nights a week to sharing her full time.

To not trial that scenario for a decent period would be madness

Nosleepforthismum · 02/03/2023 18:43

If you didn’t have a child OP I’d be saying go for it because it’s only you that will be affected if it all goes tits up.

As it stands, I think you are getting carried away with the idea of a lovely family home and are basing these plans on a romanticised version of how you imagine living together will be without having any experience of the reality. When you have a child you no longer have the luxury of following your heart over your head with these things.

The reality is that after 12 months you don’t really know this guy and I think it would be irresponsible to do this so quickly when you have your six year old to consider. Other PP’s have given some good suggestions about trialing living together without losing your individual assets straight away.

pilates · 02/03/2023 18:47

You won’t be priced out as both your properties will be increasing in price too.

Angliski · 02/03/2023 18:48

I did this. Actually we bought in my name in the end but it was a 50/50 and we are still together the years later

Livinghappy · 02/03/2023 18:49

Are you in the UK? Have you considered what the financial costs would be if it didn't work out.

What would be your exit strategy? Could you afford to buy another property?

Personally I think a year is too soon - it takes 2 years to know someone. Most toxic people only show their true colours when there is commitment- such as buying a property.

What's his relationship history?

billy1966 · 02/03/2023 18:51

Another thread, another bunch of posters giving comparisons that are unconnected 🙄.

She has a child, so it is hugely more complicated🤦‍♀️.

A year?

Takes two years for the mask to drop.

You don't know this man, you only know what he has chosen to show you.

@Clymene as usual, has nailed what we all can read clearly.

As @OriGanOver writes you sound like you have made up your mind and intend to crack on.

95% likely you will bitterly regret this, so god love your daughter whom will be collateral damage.

Two childless adults moving in together into a rental after a year, no problem.

Two adults, one with a child buying after a year, when he refuses to rent out his home? Disaster.

He has stronger boundaries about his home, than you do about your daughter.

Think about THAT.

Re think this while you can, she deserves better than this.

haveyoutriedturningitoffandthenonagain · 02/03/2023 18:57

Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 18:27

@haveyoutriedturningitoffandthenonagain

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I could test my boyfriend in this way. I think that he would easily pass the test.

I'm inclined to insist that we try living in mine for a while soon even though he would maintain his own household for this period

I think that's a good idea.

IneedanewTV · 02/03/2023 18:59

In my 20s I moved in with a boyfriend very quickly. He became my husband, had children and got divorced.

I then started dating a fella. My youngest was 6. He had a child of 8 and I did too. There is no way either of us would have considered living with each other a year into the relationship. IT IS VERY DIFFERENT WITH CHILDREN compared to having no children. It’s not even comparable. Our children come first before us and before living together. We are still not living together as the timing has never been right but we will do one day. To be honest I think we both like our freedom. Our kids all get on and infact the two eldest are going travelling together soon.

Coyoacan · 02/03/2023 19:02

OP, living with other people's children is hard. Your bf may be perfect and your dd wonderful and they may love each other, but that is not the same as the day-to-day, getting ready for school, dealing with bouts of misbehaviour, etc.

I've shared houses with other mothers and it has been hard.

NotQuiteUsual · 02/03/2023 19:03

I've seen it work out about as many times as I've seen it destroy relationships. Either way it very much accelerated the process. So in every way but financial it's a big win.

Slimjimtobe · 02/03/2023 19:04

I got married without living with my husband after 18months together - were are still together. 😂 12 years married

I think if you know you know

EyesOnThePies · 02/03/2023 19:05

After a year, without having lived together, and with a 6 yo, I would not buy a house together, no.

Staying 4/7 and going on hol together isn’t the same as living together. Especially wrt parenting.

And I don’t get the rush. If you both own properties they too will be rising in price.

And once you have combined and bought one property, that will never then )should you split up) raise enough to buy two separate properties of the value you had before (because % price rises aren’t the same as the value in absolute cash terms).

I wouldn’t do it, but having asked the question you seem hell bent on going ahead. In which case I wish you the best and hope it works out. Many risks do🙂

BaroldFromEastenders · 02/03/2023 19:12

its quite lucky your DD is telling you what you want to hear isn’t it? She’s 6 for crying out loud, she doesn’t know what it will be like living with the boyfriend - how can she?

put her first, put the brakes on and live together first without tangling your finances up in a house purchase. You barely know him.

whoever said he has stronger boundaries around his house than you do around your DD has it spot on

percypercypercy · 02/03/2023 19:16

She is always upset when he doesn't stay over in fact.

This would be reason enough for me to be taking a step back actually. He isn't her Dad, you have known him a year. Your child should not be having these feelings about him staying over.

Autumndays22 · 02/03/2023 19:24

Lockheart · 02/03/2023 17:10

I don't think it's that crazy an idea. It wasn't all that long ago that people wouldn't move in together until they were married, and they'd have bought a house to move in to.

I would make sure you have lengthy discussions about what would happen in the event of a breakup. You should both take independent legal advice and make sure you both have an exit plan. For example, say you buy a house and move in, but then it isn't working for him and he leaves. Do you sell the house? How does he extract his equity? Can you afford to buy him out? Will you be putting in equal equity and meeting the mortgage equally? Could you service the mortgage on one wage?

If you can cover all bases should the relationship end and you know what you will do then you'll have set yourself up pretty well.

Good advice in this post

Iwonder08 · 02/03/2023 19:26

Why does he have to rent his place out? Let him move in with you, contribute to his share of the utility bills/cover the increase. This way he can keep his current property and you will get an experience of living together. I would give it a year before you make a decision.
Parking all of it aside, most importantly, watch carefully how things are with your child. Her getting so attached to a strange bloke she met recently is concerning.

Addymontgomeryfan · 02/03/2023 20:07

My opinion is influenced by past experience of mine, but there is no way on earth would I consider buying a house with someone I had only been with for a year, and definitely not if I had never lived with them previously.

Schmusimausi73 · 02/03/2023 20:20

If he’s not good enough to marry, he’s not good enough to buy a house with.

That’s just how I see things.

Been married for 24 years.

Beignet · 02/03/2023 20:45

If I were a single mum, I wouldn't put myself in a potentially complex financial situation with a man I had known for just a year. The risks are too high.

Atm You are an independant woman who is financially and home secure.

Of course you should carry on the relationship but the rush incase you are out priced in the housing market isn't a big loss compared with being out priced trying to get a another home on your own if you split.

Original poster
Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 20:54

@BaroldFromEastenders "whoever said he has stronger boundaries around his house than you do around your DD has it spot on"

No. My daughter is very well-protected and loved.

OP posts:
Digimoor · 02/03/2023 20:55

I fail to see how you will be priced out given you both own properties already.

Carry on dating. Don't rush things.

Original poster
Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 20:59

percypercypercy · 02/03/2023 19:16

She is always upset when he doesn't stay over in fact.

This would be reason enough for me to be taking a step back actually. He isn't her Dad, you have known him a year. Your child should not be having these feelings about him staying over.

I think that her feelings are influenced by stuff her dad says to her. He's gotten his girlfriend pregnant and is on a big propaganda campaign about how they are all a family now. My daughter has complex emotions about that situation.

My boyfriend and I have taken things easier than this and I am very clear that he doesn't live with us and he has his own house. But it's just a nicer place with him in it. He's lots of fun and she appreciates him.

It's something I have kept an eye on but I don't see it as a reason to step back. We both love him. I love him because he's shown himself to be a thoroughly decent and reasonable person. She loves him because he is kind and attentive and nice to me also. Her point of comparison is her narcissist father, whom she has never liked.

OP posts: