Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a house with my boyfriend of one year?

143 replies

Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 16:13

That's it, really.

We are both in our 40s. He's super kind and stable, no red flags. This is the best relationship I have ever had.

We are worried about being priced out of our area if we don't buy soon, as prices for family homes continue inexorably to rise, regardless of inflation or interest rate hikes.

We would go in totally 50/50 and I would make legal arrangements so my daughter would inherit my share if the worst were to happen.

Is it too soon? Is there something I am missing?

OP posts:
flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 18:17

Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 18:11

@flutterbyebaby that's really uncalled for and unnecessary. I have already been clear that my daughter loves my boyfriend. She would be delighted if we lived together.

I am obviously currently weighing the risks but it's not assured that this will end badly.

How does she love him? You are basing taking such a risk because you think your child loves him, that's terrible tbh

flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 18:19

If you are both so invested in having a future together why not slow down, or will he not be happy with you wanting that

Autumndays22 · 02/03/2023 18:19

My husband and I bought together when we first decided to move in together. We had a long distance relationship for a few years and then both wanted to move in together and buy rather than rent. No regrets here!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/03/2023 18:20

Risking your daughter when he’s not prepared to risk his house is not an equal gamble.

Buying without living together for a decent period would be madness imo.

haveyoutriedturningitoffandthenonagain · 02/03/2023 18:21

You've been told straight on here.

By the way, I'm not better than you. I'm just in the middle of reaping the consequences of a similar decision.

I let my child down, got manipulated, used, and now untangling it has almost killed me.

Don't do it. If I could tell myself this five years ago I would give anything to have that opportunity.

Tell him you don't want to put your child in that position. Even if you've made your mind up to do it, tell him you're not doing it and give it a month or so to see his reaction.

Test him now, see if he stays even though you won't do this.

Original poster
Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 18:21

OriGanOver · 02/03/2023 18:15

You cannot base this decision on whether your 6yr old likes him whilst she doesn't live with him fgs. Are you for real?

Are you being deliberately obtuse and insulting? I have never said this is the reason, just that my daughter's happiness is not obviously definitely going to be negatively impacted.

OP posts:
flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 18:21

Autumndays22 · 02/03/2023 18:19

My husband and I bought together when we first decided to move in together. We had a long distance relationship for a few years and then both wanted to move in together and buy rather than rent. No regrets here!

Did you have a child from a previous relationship?

flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 18:22

Kranke · 02/03/2023 17:48

We didn’t live together before buying a house, neither of us had children and were in our 30s. We were together around 3yrs before we moved in. We would stay a few nights a week with each other and most weekends together. Has been great, now married with children!

You weren't risking a child security in that case

GettingStuffed · 02/03/2023 18:22

I moved in with DH after 4 months, we were married 9 months after that. The first thing he did was put me on his mortgage.

Cockle1234 · 02/03/2023 18:22

We had been together a year, never lived together, and bought a house (or at least started the process) - when everything went through we'd been together 18 months. This was five years ago. We get married in the summer. I don't regret a thing - only you know if it's right. I didnt listen to anybody at the time telling me it was a bad idea, and I am so grateful to myself for that.

flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 18:23

Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 18:21

Are you being deliberately obtuse and insulting? I have never said this is the reason, just that my daughter's happiness is not obviously definitely going to be negatively impacted.

Show quote history

Are you psychic?

Original poster
Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 18:25

Clymene · 02/03/2023 18:15

His house is worth less than yours, he has fewer assets, he's untidy and he 'strives to be an equal contributor to household tasks'.

🚩🚩🚩🚩

No way would I buy a house with someone I barely knew who (and you barely know him) when I had a child either.

And purely financial reasons are the very worst reason to buy a property together.

You are reading what you want into this. My boyfriend actively wants to buy 50/50 and to ensure that we can be financially stable with our budget. He is constantly helping me without being asked. He is not interested in being a drain in any way.

It's not a purely financial decision by any means.

OP posts:
flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 18:27

GettingStuffed · 02/03/2023 18:22

I moved in with DH after 4 months, we were married 9 months after that. The first thing he did was put me on his mortgage.

Unless you had a child that wasn't his, how is this relevant. No children do as you want, when you want. Children? Be cautious before jumping in feet first.

Autumndays22 · 02/03/2023 18:27

No it was just us. Perhaps that changes the dynamic. Everyone is different. I sometimes think that too much suspicion and mistrust could potentially ruin a good thing. The OP is intending to take sensible precautions around protecting her assets. She is in her forties and feels this is the best relationship she’s ever had. People never used to live together before marrying or buying their first home.

BeckettandCastle · 02/03/2023 18:27

We did this. We're now 20 years later, have 3 kids, got married, moved & i font regret a thing.

Go for it!

Original poster
Cicchetti · 02/03/2023 18:27

@haveyoutriedturningitoffandthenonagain

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I could test my boyfriend in this way. I think that he would easily pass the test.

I'm inclined to insist that we try living in mine for a while soon even though he would maintain his own household for this period

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 02/03/2023 18:28

Hi OP,

Does your boyfriend have his own child/children, too?

You say he has similar parenting styles.

Emmamoo89 · 02/03/2023 18:28

Way too soon

Clymene · 02/03/2023 18:30

I am reading what you've written @Cicchetti. You've moved this man very quickly into you and your daughter's lives.

And you barely know him. The first year of a relationship is often lovely and it's only in years two and three that cracks begin to show.

Get to know him. Then decide if you want to become financially entangled.

flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 18:31

BeckettandCastle · 02/03/2023 18:27

We did this. We're now 20 years later, have 3 kids, got married, moved & i font regret a thing.

Go for it!

But you didn't have children to start with. I give up! Sorry op if I'm being pushy, this is something very close to my heart, I'll lay off. Hoping everything turns out well for you x

Sirius3030 · 02/03/2023 18:32

Sounds like a good plan. You both sound sensible enough for it to work. I would go for it!
And ignore the usual MN brigade who are convinced that every man is a bastard.

flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 18:33

Sirius3030 · 02/03/2023 18:32

Sounds like a good plan. You both sound sensible enough for it to work. I would go for it!
And ignore the usual MN brigade who are convinced that every man is a bastard.

Taking a few precautions does not mean a woman thinks every man is a bastard. I rather like them tbh. Don't spout untrue clichés

thecathasbeenfed · 02/03/2023 18:34

In the minority here but I'd do it. Sell his first then you all have some time living together before moving to the new house.

I did exactly that years ago. Had a DD who was 8 when we started living together after a year of being together.

Now been together for 17 years and have two DSs too.

It helped that we both had the same amount of a deposit to put in a new home. We made a will together leaving everything to my daughter plus any future children we had together.

We also had a joint bank account and shared all finances as we still do now. He was on more than me back then but we now earn the same.

blackbeardsballsack · 02/03/2023 18:36

I did this. My boyfriend was lovely, generous, attentive, great with my DC who thought he was great in turn.

Within a matter of months I was stuck in a house with an absolute bastard who was suddenly no longer the wonderful boyfriend he had been for the honeymoon year. He stalled the sale, he disrupted viewings, and I lost loads of money. And my DC was traumatised.

littlebirdieblu · 02/03/2023 18:36

All the op's saying 'we did this and it was fine' didn't already have children with other people. It's very easy to to be reckless when you only have yourself to think about. Having a small child that decisions will affect is completely different. Sensible parents think about that child first, and do not make rash decisions about things their child has no say in.