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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are you bothered if people do not like you?

178 replies

monno · 02/03/2023 13:12

Some people (me) have this weird way that feels like they want everyone to like them.

If I get a sense that someone doesn't like me, it feels as though I should try harder to relate to them, rather than just letting it be.

I'll waste time thinking about it. Feeling bad that a person may think bad of me.

This could be due to a perception that I'm too loud, too quiet, too nice, too anything

How do you feel if someone doesn't like you (or you get a sense that they don't)?

Does it bother you?

If not, how do you not let it bother you?

OP posts:
BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 02/03/2023 19:00

There’s one person who actively dislikes me, has smeared me to others but then she dislikes and smears most people so it doesn’t bother me at all. I almost see it as an honour to be disliked by her. 😊

Moofart · 02/03/2023 19:05

I'm sorry if this has already been said as I've not read all the posts yet but I too have always struggled with worries about what people think of me. But over time this is what I've learnt...

If you care what people think of you, you're valuing someone else's opinion of you above your own and that person doesn't know the intracacies of what makes you YOU, They haven't walked in your shoes, they don't know every moment of your past, your hopes, dreams, internal monologue... so it doesn't make sense for you to give so much weight to their opinion does it? Their opinion of you is not a fact or a truth. What matters is what you think of you.
And it's all tied in with self esteem. If you care what they think of you, it suggests you have to love yourself a little more. So take care of yourself, look after yourself and do the things that make you happy, big or small. You owe yourself that.

Don't chase, don't beg, don't try and influence their opinion... be you. Know your worth.

furryfrontbottom · 02/03/2023 19:06

No, not a bit.

TinyCactusInAPot · 02/03/2023 19:07

It may bother me, if it’s a person I like and it’s based on a misunderstanding

but if people don’t like me I basically think it’s fair enough 😁 and not everybody likes everybody

the other day I met a lady who instantly disliked me (friend of a friend), when I ran into her a few days later she blanked me. It amused me tbh.

clearly something about me triggered an instant dislike with her.

it’s life. It happens. Animals are the same, my dog may meet a new dog and instantly like/hate it 😄 for no reason I can see

Fairislefandango · 02/03/2023 19:09

I think worrying that people don't like you is a self esteem problem.

I'm not sure it necessarily always is. I'm polite, nice to people, very even-tempered etc. I think I generally have pretty good self-esteem. If someone seemed to dislike me, I would probably think maybe I'd unknowingly done something specific to offend them or something they disapproved of, and I would fret for quite a while about what it was. I wouldn't think that they were right or that I was a bad or inherently unlikeable person!

BellePeppa · 02/03/2023 19:26

No it doesn’t bother me. There’s only been two people who have ever made it obvious they didn’t like me, though I don’t know why they didn’t like me as I didn’t do anything but you can’t expect everyone to like you.

Soozikinzii · 02/03/2023 19:26

This used to bother me when I was younger but I think.as you get older you realise that some people won't like you Whatever you do . We don't like everyone and everyone doesn't like us . I think once you realise that it's like a weight has been lifted off our shoulders and you can relax .

BuddhaAtSea · 02/03/2023 19:27

Not wanting to sound flippant: I grew out of it.
I had a really abusive childhood, so I thought, for years, that it’s up to me to change/be/act so people like/love me. Because when you’re 2-3-4-5 and your needs aren’t met, you think it’s because you’re bad.

I became an adult and in my absolute desperate quest to be loved/liked, I spent a lot of time consumed by the how and the why. I was expecting/wishing/working damn hard on being loved/liked. And one day I thought: hang on, I’m desperate to be liked, to belong, but…do I like myself? Who exactly am I? I realised I still act like the poor 5 years old little girl, and to ask a stranger to bend over an imaginary 5 years old who’s world was off kilter is a bit too much of an ask.
HTH

Funkyslippers · 02/03/2023 19:30

I very rarely dislike someone but I often dislike things about people. But nobody's perfect, even me 🤣. There's a couple of people at work who I don't trust but I wouldn't say I don't like them

TheChosenTwo · 02/03/2023 19:30

When I was younger this did bother me when I felt people didn’t like me as I always tried
to be a good person and never knowingly
went Out of my way to make trouble or piss people off.
Now I’m nearly 40, I genuinely don’t give a crap who does or doesn’t like me. There are plenty of people in the world, not everyone will like you, you won’t like everyone either, that’s fine. There are enough people in my life who do like me and that’s enough for me.
Anyone who dislikes me isn’t any business of mine. I couldn’t care less. I know I’m a nice person who works hard and enjoys my family and make an effort with my friends. I now have a higher sense of boundaries and tolerance, keep my walls high and my circle tight.

Funkyslippers · 02/03/2023 19:31

Meant to also say I don't know why someone wouldn't like me per se. They might not like something about me but I'd have to be pretty horrible or for them to have issues to not actually like someone!

fugly1 · 02/03/2023 19:54

Nope, their loss!!

Cats246 · 02/03/2023 19:56

I don't care.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 02/03/2023 19:57

Couldn't give a fuck whether anyone likes me. What they think of me is none of my business.

Anjo2011 · 02/03/2023 19:59

The older I get the less I care. I don’t go out of my way for people to like/not like me. If they don’t that’s fine. I don’t give it much though tbh.

Hbh17 · 02/03/2023 20:01

I really don't care. As you get older, you realise that it doesn't matter in the slightest whether anyone likes you.

HappyHealthy23 · 02/03/2023 20:15

I can't say I've ever particularly noticed someone actively not liking me, not since I was a teenager anyway.

I mean, if I think about it, probably a lot of people don't, but I'm generally a bit oblivious. I only spend time with people that I think do actively like me, or at least tolerate me in a polite fashion.

There is one girl at a hobby I go to that would probably say she doesn't like me, but she's a bit odd anyway and I don't think she likes many people, so it doesn't feel personal. 🤔

Chubbhamstercheeks · 02/03/2023 20:16

No not as I’ve got older

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/03/2023 20:17

I’m terrible for wanting people to like me. Really working on it though, with some success. I do seem to manage to piss people off despite best efforts so is probably best if I do get used to it!

MySugarBabyLove · 02/03/2023 20:31

I tend to find that the people who don’t like me are generally people I don’t like anyway so it matters not.

Even people close-ish to me, there was no love lost between me and my SIL for instance but that was just that.

My DP’s brother dislikes me and the feeling is mutual. He dislikes me because he thinks I’m an attention seeker, has accused me of bringing about my own life limiting heart condition by not believing in God, and I dislike him for all the above, and the fact he’s a judgemental arsehole on so many other levels.

But we never see each other so it’s all good.

There are obviously going to be people who I e.g. work with or deal with on a superficial level who don’t like me and vice versa, and I couldn’t give a shit about those.

But I can’t remember ever desperately liking someone and them taking a dislike to me.

IHaveaSetOfVeryParticularSkills · 02/03/2023 20:33

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/03/2023 20:17

I’m terrible for wanting people to like me. Really working on it though, with some success. I do seem to manage to piss people off despite best efforts so is probably best if I do get used to it!

Sorry but you are most likely pissing them of by still trying. I hope it gets better, but this is probably it.

MySugarBabyLove · 02/03/2023 20:34

From a different perspective though, if I dislike someone from the outset, it is pretty much unheard of for my opinion of them to change, so no amount of trying would change that.

So what would be the point of trying to make people like you, first opinions are powerful.

whumpthereitis · 02/03/2023 20:42

People can tell if you want them to like you. It doesn’t make them like you though, if anything they’ll dislike you more, consider you obsequious, and have no respect for you. Ime people don’t like people pleasers, they like using them.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/03/2023 20:45

IHaveaSetOfVeryParticularSkills · 02/03/2023 20:33

Sorry but you are most likely pissing them of by still trying. I hope it gets better, but this is probably it.

Show quote history

I knew someone would think that from my badly phrased first post but couldn’t be bothered to rephrase!

That isn’t my problem. My problem is I occasionally stop masking and say something blunt, which I later realise I needn’t have said.

I’m pretty sure I don’t come across as “try hard” - it’s not evident that I don’t like being disliked, it’s just an internal thing.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/03/2023 20:46

For instance I never get used by CFs and have pretty good boundaries.