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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are you bothered if people do not like you?

178 replies

monno · 02/03/2023 13:12

Some people (me) have this weird way that feels like they want everyone to like them.

If I get a sense that someone doesn't like me, it feels as though I should try harder to relate to them, rather than just letting it be.

I'll waste time thinking about it. Feeling bad that a person may think bad of me.

This could be due to a perception that I'm too loud, too quiet, too nice, too anything

How do you feel if someone doesn't like you (or you get a sense that they don't)?

Does it bother you?

If not, how do you not let it bother you?

OP posts:
MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 02/03/2023 16:39

Nah. If get the sense that someone doesn't like me, I'll do a bit of soul-searching and ask myself if I've given them cause to dislike me. If I have, then I'll try to make amends and improve the relationship.

But if I haven't, and they just dislike me for some reason? Fair enough. Not everyone has to like me, I'm not everyone's cup of tea. It's their issue, not mine, and I don't need to make it mine.

In short, what other people think of me is none of my business.

BlooDeBloop · 02/03/2023 16:43

If I get the sense someone doesn't like me, yes it is a little upsetting. If I like them then it is very upsetting of course. But I usually find if someone doesn't like me, I don't like them.

I don't dwell on people not liking me. I'm quite a loner and I often find myself pushed to the edge of groups. That I find very upsetting. I now realise that if I avoid these events, I am fine. I'd rather miss out. If you like, I've largely come to terms with my character and what makes me happy.

I do however try and treat people with kindness, go out of my way to return favours and be polite even with people I don't like. That isn't the same as trying to please. I don't get upset overly if my kindness isn't returned. That's on them 🤷

chirrpy · 02/03/2023 16:50

The behaviour you've described is usually instilled in you as a child. To be a chronic people pleaser, to feel like you're responsible for others emotions and reactions, to feel as if you must squash your own feelings so others' can fill up the room.

I'm all of these things; unfortunately I was raised to constantly people please and I really feel it if someone doesn't like me. I also ruminate over conversations hours after they've happened and think I've sounded silly etc and therefore that person won't like me anymore.

DesertRose64 · 02/03/2023 16:53

No. Not at all.

JustStopOilyPoshKids · 02/03/2023 16:54

Not really

Elphame · 02/03/2023 16:56

Not in the least.

I don't like many of the people I have to meet so it stands to reason that they probably won't like me.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 02/03/2023 16:58

It really depends on context. In particular what value I assign to that person and what influence they might have. There are some occasions where it would bother me, particularly if their feelings might cause me a problem or maybe if they touched a nerve. At the other end of the spectrum, there are people who I think badly of whose dislike would amuse me and possibly even function as a compliment.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 02/03/2023 16:58

How do you feel if someone doesn't like you (or you get a sense that they don't)?

Totally unbothered. People who take dislikes to others for no particular reason are typically arseholes themselves, so I put it down as a net gain if they unveil themselves early on and I can avoid them.

Does it bother you?

Not in the slightest.

If not, how do you not let it bother you?

I can't regulate what other people think, or how other people feel, especially not when it comes to esoteric, intangible things like whether or not someone is the type of person who classifies others as 'friends and enemies'. That's a completely off-putting character trait and screams of emotional immaturity. I don't live for the purpose of making other people like me, so whether they do or do not is wholly inconsequential. In any given day I honestly spend more time worrying about 'use by' dates on whatever happens to be in my fridge.

IHeartGeneHunt · 02/03/2023 16:59

No. The people I love, love me back, and that's all I need. If other people like me it's a bonus. I treat everyone the same, I'm polite, I'm kind. Up to them what they do with that.

MrsRosieBrew · 02/03/2023 17:01

I know I’m a nice person and I’m told that everybody likes me. It would bother and upset me if someone new didn’t like me because I know it’d be a preconception of me. Once they know me, they like me. But yes, until then, it’d upset me!

pompomdaisy · 02/03/2023 17:06

Strangers- couldn't give a shit. Work colleagues- mostly don't give a shit. Family- barely give a shit. Friends- yep I care if they don't like me.

Guis · 02/03/2023 17:11

Depends if I value their opinion.

ArianahX · 02/03/2023 17:22

Work colleagues- yes I'm too bothered about what they think. I get very paranoid.

WonderingWanda · 02/03/2023 17:23

I used to care way too much when I was younger and spent too much time trying too hard to make people like me who clearly weren't invested. It wasn't good for my mental health. I have realised as I get older that I am not everyone's cup of tea in the same way that I just don't like some people. This is fine and I no longer take it personally.

Fairislefandango · 02/03/2023 17:28

Yes tbh it would really bother me if I thought someone disliked me (unless they were someone I myself really disliked, which isn't many people!).

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/03/2023 17:28

I do, if I'm honest. With people I consider to be arseholes I only care because it may impact interactions I can't avoid having with them. But with other people, especially ones who seem generally friendly and pleasant, it does bother me a bit if they look at me and clearly think "Nah." Only in the moment though, then I think "Ah fuck it, I have plenty of friends already".

Wherethewildthymeblows · 02/03/2023 17:29

This is an interesting read. Because I care desperately about whether people like me or not, and I am convinced that no-one does. I am always trying to be everyone to everyone, and yet at the same time, I keep everyone at a distance because I don't believe anyone truly likes me.

I know. I am extremely screwed up. But it is interesting reading that so many people don't care one way or another, because I thought it was normal to want people to like you.

PlinkPlonkFizz · 02/03/2023 17:31

Not at all. I dislike lots of people I meet but I always remain open to changing my mind about them. Sometimes people change their minds about me too.

IHaveaSetOfVeryParticularSkills · 02/03/2023 17:34

Wherethewildthymeblows · 02/03/2023 17:29

This is an interesting read. Because I care desperately about whether people like me or not, and I am convinced that no-one does. I am always trying to be everyone to everyone, and yet at the same time, I keep everyone at a distance because I don't believe anyone truly likes me.

I know. I am extremely screwed up. But it is interesting reading that so many people don't care one way or another, because I thought it was normal to want people to like you.

People would of course prefer others to like them but you simply cannot like everyone so everyone cannot like you. Such is life.

Some of us get that and are happy with it.

As long as people are polite, I genuinely wouldn't care about strangers and many others. That must drive a person crazy

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 02/03/2023 17:35

Nope. The only one who obviously dislikes me is my pervy married boss (who I rejected) anyway.

JungleBoobies · 02/03/2023 17:37

Once I hit my 30s I stopped giving a stuff. I have enough people who like me and I don’t have the bandwidth to add anymore 😊

Haraebo · 02/03/2023 17:37

It used to bother me alot. Now couldn't care less, providing that the other person isn't being unkind.

hookiewookie29 · 02/03/2023 17:38

Nope. I'm 54 years old. I used to care.....but as I've got older I've realised that if they don't like me, it's their loss, not mine.

RudsyFarmer · 02/03/2023 17:38

I rather enjoy it when people don’t and am surprised when they do. I do have low self esteem though and often consider myself pretty unlikeable. So it’s no skin of my nose if they think the same.

declutteringmymind · 02/03/2023 17:38

I used to be like this. Now I'm not.

If I get a minute later I'll tell you my own personal journey