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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are you bothered if people do not like you?

178 replies

monno · 02/03/2023 13:12

Some people (me) have this weird way that feels like they want everyone to like them.

If I get a sense that someone doesn't like me, it feels as though I should try harder to relate to them, rather than just letting it be.

I'll waste time thinking about it. Feeling bad that a person may think bad of me.

This could be due to a perception that I'm too loud, too quiet, too nice, too anything

How do you feel if someone doesn't like you (or you get a sense that they don't)?

Does it bother you?

If not, how do you not let it bother you?

OP posts:
Btjdkfnn · 02/03/2023 14:44

I couldn't give a fuck if anyone dislikes me.

I used to feel bad if someone didn't like me, despite me having tried to be pleasant/polite etc. The menopause cured that people pleasing shit.

thecatsthecats · 02/03/2023 14:44

Moonicorn · 02/03/2023 13:44

No. Weirdly people like you more when you stop caring

Definitely this.

I describe myself as "not very nice". By which I mean, I don't go out of my way to be effusive, complimentary, overtly friendly. I find it fake and exhausting. Nice is a non-description that basically means that someone observed basic manners in your presence. So I don't make friends immediately.

But I am 100% myself, and what I am is principled, honest, loyal, pragmatic, fair. And interested in lots and lots of things.

If people are exposed to me long enough, they tend to end up sharing everything with me, because they know that I'm trustworthy.

ChefsSalad · 02/03/2023 14:48

IHaveaSetOfVeryParticularSkills · 02/03/2023 14:25

Also an important question.

Is that about being actively disliked or just people being neutral and not caring actually as in "meh, who? Oh X, yeah, never really spoken" shrug shoulders and go.

This is true. Huge difference between someone being actively hostile and you just not being their cup of tea.

oneyouknow · 02/03/2023 14:50

No matter who you are there will always people you meet who take a dislike to you or people who are not keen, that's life were all different.

If people don't like me either don't speak to me or only deal with me if you have to on a professional/polite way or you can jump of a cliff.

I don't try to make people like me, either you do or you don't, I won't lose sleep over it. I find it sad people need constant validation, it's usually people who post their life story on social media or daily inspirational quotes ect. My DH likes me that's all I need as I choose to be with him.

SwimmingAgainstTheTides · 02/03/2023 14:50

As long as you like yourself that's what matters. Alot of people are very fake and fickle, nice to your face etc. You set yourself free when your not bothered about other peoples opinions of you.

WilsonMilson · 02/03/2023 14:51

God no, I couldn’t care less. The only people I care about liking me are my family and some close friends, basically the people I care about. Everyone else can do what they like.

Truth is, most people just don’t care about you one way or the other unless you are a close friend or relative - people are usually too busy worrying about themselves to give you a second thought.

Water off a duck’s back to me. I had a secure childhood with lots of love, so a good sense of self. I find people who had less secure attachments as children often struggle with needing to be liked and accepted externally because for whatever reason they struggle with feelings of worthlessness or an insecure sense of self.

FilthyforFirth · 02/03/2023 14:52

If it is someone I like then I am curious as to know why, but it doesnt hugely bother me. Probably because I am quite a marmite person, people tend to love or hate me, I dont have many who sit in the middle... I am quite a confident person though (outwardly at least!)

Tiddlywinkly · 02/03/2023 15:07

Same @percypercypercy

TedMullins · 02/03/2023 15:17

thecatsthecats · 02/03/2023 14:44

Definitely this.

I describe myself as "not very nice". By which I mean, I don't go out of my way to be effusive, complimentary, overtly friendly. I find it fake and exhausting. Nice is a non-description that basically means that someone observed basic manners in your presence. So I don't make friends immediately.

But I am 100% myself, and what I am is principled, honest, loyal, pragmatic, fair. And interested in lots and lots of things.

If people are exposed to me long enough, they tend to end up sharing everything with me, because they know that I'm trustworthy.

Show quote history

Love this! This is me too. I don’t think I’m particularly nice, nor do I strive to be. I’m not nasty - I’m polite, I care about social issues and people’s wellbeing and am happy to help out where I can, I’m not malicious (unless someone really pisses me off). But I’m also honest, assertive, confident and know what I want in life. I’d rather be described as those things, or even intimidating (I get a little thrill if people call me intimidating lol) than “nice”. It’s so bland.

gamerchick · 02/03/2023 15:21

No I don't care. If some people dont like a person it means they've got a good balance. Who wants to be a people pleaser? plus I'm nearly 50 and couldnt give less' of a shiny shite than I used too.

whumpthereitis · 02/03/2023 15:22

No. It wasn’t a conscious decision I made, I just never found myself caring whether someone dislikes me. Both my parents are the same, as is my brother.

I don’t need to seek anyone’s approval, and I’m not a people pleaser. Some people like me and think I’m a good person, and some people dislike me and think I’m a cunt. I’m fine with that.

mast0650 · 02/03/2023 15:23

Well, it depends. If I don't like/respect someone and can see they probably have different values to me, then I don't care.

If I like and respect someone a lot and would love to have them as a good friend then I care a lot! Probably too much.

Then there are the cases inbetween. People I basically quite like but don't have very strong feelings about. Again, I do care. Not as much as in the second case, but probably a bit more than I should.

I think I am a nice person, but I also fear I don't always come across well and am not the most easily and immediately likeable person for a lot of people. I think I have learned to come across better and it may not be much of an issue any more in reality. But I have a lot of bad memories from my childhood and early adulthood that very easily come flooding back!

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/03/2023 15:24

Younger me would have cared immensely. 39 year old me couldn't give less of a shit!

hryllilegur · 02/03/2023 15:25

I used to care a lot more.

Age and life experiences have taught me that it doesn’t matter.

Sometimes it’s a good thing if some people don’t like you. There are a lot of people whose default is to take the piss and they really, really don’t like people with boundaries. They’re the problem, not you.

Mentalpiece · 02/03/2023 15:27

It's never bothered me. I'm a take me or leave me type.
There's plenty of people who I don't like.
We can't like everyone.

Houseplantjungle · 02/03/2023 15:30

For me it depends on whether I have to interact with them. I have an activity that I do once a week that involves signing in with the prefects. They couldn’t be more hostile and unwelcoming if they tried. I don’t see them behaving like this with anyone else.

I found the experience so upsetting this week, I felt like walking straight back out. I didn’t thought because I love the activity, couldn’t do without it, and find everyone else really friendly and the activity is such a boost to my wellbeing.

I don’t know why it’s happening and I feel ashamed that they seem to feel the need to direct their hostility towards me.

lieselotte · 02/03/2023 15:35

AllOfThemWitches · 02/03/2023 13:52

Not really and definitely not on mumsnet ;)

Yes this!

It's more of an issue at work because you need people to like you or you don't keep your job. If enough people actively dislike you, you'll end up being let go eventually.

Undermyumberellaellaella · 02/03/2023 15:38

I don't like everyone so why would everyone like me.

sealon82 · 02/03/2023 15:53

No, couldn't care less. My husband is really bothered by people not liking him, it's exhausting to watch sometimes.

newfence · 02/03/2023 16:20

Nope! I know some people who don't like me but I couldn't care less. That's their problem, not mine.

Oblomov23 · 02/03/2023 16:21

No, I don't mind, I don't expect everyone to like me, I'm a bit wierd and geeky. I don't like it if people don't like me though.
I rarely meet anyone I don't like. Most people I meet are ok but I don't like them enough to be any more than a hello. Not many people do I wish to be close friends with though either, but I fo have a handful of very close friends and that satisfies me enough.

NotTerfNorCis · 02/03/2023 16:27

What I've realised is, the vast majority of people I know, I don't like or dislike... I'm just neutral. And I assume most people feel that about me.

HappiestSleeping · 02/03/2023 16:32

I work on the basis that 10% will, 10% won't, and the other 80% will actually get to know me a bit and decide based on evidence. This approach can be applied to most things I find.

I would much prefer to focus my efforts on the 10% that do and those of the 80% who also do than to worry about the ones that don't. The only exception would be if I did something to upset someone, then I would want to know in order to make amends.

As others have said, I don't like everyone, so don't expect everyone to like me.

Everyotherone · 02/03/2023 16:34

Both.

On a rational level it doesn’t bother me - friendships and relationships are a numbers game and it takes all sorts.

But I also struggle with rejection sensitivity dysphoria and feel a physically painful reaction to even a perceived rejection.

Benjispruce4 · 02/03/2023 16:35

I get along with most people. I’m quite upbeat and smiley by nature and I think that is related to being brought up to smile and say hello. I’m not scared to voice an opinion though and that’s always been the case. I’m aware sometimes that others don’t agree and shy away from voicing an opinion but I think debate and discussion is healthy.

I don’t worry about being liked anymore unless I think someone has misunderstood me, then I will try to make my feelings clearer because disliking me isn’t a problem as long as they know what they’re disliking.