Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t take much more of this!

254 replies

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:35

Long story short but my husband had an affair with his work colleague for a year. When I found out I was completely traumatised but he was so upset and begged me to forgive him (yes, yes I know.. im stupid to have fallen for that crap). He had to continue working with her but he swore to me he didn’t speak to her anymore as just before the affair ended he had been trying to end it with her anyway and only sees her as a platonic friend now.
2 months later he is now saying he wants to meet up with her and her two friends (a couple) for drinks sometimes as he misses his friendship with her. he is refusing to let me meet her as he thinks it will cause drama.
when I got very upset last night about him wanting to pursue a friendship with her again he got very defensive with me and made out I was being unreasonable.
I need to end this marriage don’t I?! He is completely overstepping any boundaries I needed him to adhere to. Even if he’s telling the truth and it is 100% platonic (which I very much doubt as she was/is in love with him and he definitely had strong feelings too) then am I wrong to still think it’s not ok for them to hang out together after everything?
sorry I just need someone to mull all of this over with as I have no one in real life to discuss it with.
it’s as if my self esteem has been destroyed and I’ve been manipulated over and over again to the point I now don’t know what is ok or not ok in a marriage anymore

OP posts:
BadNomad · 02/03/2023 12:56

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 02/03/2023 12:52

He said she was initially a friend and it just got out of control and he got too deep into a situation where he was scared to cut things off with her incase she made things difficult for him at his job.

And.

he made her believe for most of their affair that he and I had split up but were still living together until I could find somewhere else. He was taking his wedding ring off every day at work

These cannot both be true.

And if the first one were true, why would he want to be friends with someone awful enough to pressure him into an affair and cause trouble at his workplace?

I took that to mean he is senior to her at work and so their relationship was inappropriate because of that. She could have got him into trouble at work if she wanted to.

neilyoungismyhero · 02/03/2023 12:57

I would say he's welcome to hang out with her as you walk out and close the door behind you.

Original poster
Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 13:01

Yes he is a lot more senior to her and he was worried she would spread round the office what he had been doing. All of their other colleagues believed he and I had separated and he was dating the OW

OP posts:
Justmeandthedog1 · 02/03/2023 13:01

and it just got out of control and he got too deep into a situation where he was scared to cut things off with her incase she made things difficult for him at his job.

Biggest load of bullshit ever. It just got out of control and he couldn’t stop himself shagging her?
LTB, he’s worthless.

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2023 13:02

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 13:01

Yes he is a lot more senior to her and he was worried she would spread round the office what he had been doing. All of their other colleagues believed he and I had separated and he was dating the OW

You've had lots of advice OP.

What do you think you're going to do?

TheHouseElf · 02/03/2023 13:03

You are 35 and you still have your whole life ahead of you. Lose this man and then you at least have the chance to be with someone down the line who will love you, respect you and cherish you.

You know this in your heart already. Its over. Why he is doing this doesn't matter - he's doing it. Get rid OP.

Do you have someone you can go to in RL. If so contact them, pack and bag and go. Today.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 02/03/2023 13:03

LTB

PicnicBunny · 02/03/2023 13:04

He sounds like a psychopath. How would he feel if it was you who had had an affair and is now meeting up with your lover to be friends again?

He is gaslighting and has lack of boundaries - so you have to set them for yourself.

Either you decide you turn a blind eye (like I’ve seen people do which doesn’t end well either)
Or get your self respect back and tell him it’s over. Do you still love him? Or is it habit and safe and you stay for the kids?

I don’t mean to sound heartless in this, but you have to get out of this logically and use your heart less.

BishopRock · 02/03/2023 13:07

All of their other colleagues believed he and I had separated and he was dating the OW

Fuck's sake OP!

The man is scum.

GabriellaMontez · 02/03/2023 13:07

He's extremely disrespectful of you. He's disgusting. The sooner you can move on the better.

Don't move out. Go in the spare room. See a solicitor. Make some plans.

Ponderingwindow · 02/03/2023 13:07

Even if he stopped sleeping with her, the affair never stopped.

if he was serious about fidelity, he would have found a new job.

you need to move on. You are never going to get to a point where there can be trust in this marriage.

ChickenDhansak82 · 02/03/2023 13:09

Your husband clearly thinks you are a complete mug!

Not talking to her?? Then how did this drink thing get planned?

And if he thinks you are unreasonable for not wanting him to go out for drinks with someone he had an affair with for a year and is supposedly not speaking to any more then clearly your marriage is over.

I would tell him yes, of course he can go, but he needs to pack his bags and not return.

whynotwhatknot · 02/03/2023 13:10

I doubt the affair ever stopped really op-you are entitled to something even if it was his house get some legal adivce

ReneBumsWombats · 02/03/2023 13:10

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 13:01

Yes he is a lot more senior to her and he was worried she would spread round the office what he had been doing. All of their other colleagues believed he and I had separated and he was dating the OW

Pah, she would be much more at risk than he is. He's pretending he's the one who'd be vulnerable?

Justalittlebitduckling · 02/03/2023 13:10

Without a doubt, a condition of you staying in this marriage after his affair has to be that he doesn’t see this woman outside of completely necessary work encounters.

That he would have the audacity and disrespect to think his need to have a friendship with this woman outstrips your need to be able to rebuild trust in him, and to be afforded respect and dignity as his wife is frankly astounding. If he sees this woman socially, the marriage is over, that is if him even expressing this wish hasn’t already killed it.

qazxc · 02/03/2023 13:11

There could be many reasons that he is telling you:
-To gaslight you
-Because she or someone else might spill the beans.
-To get you and her to perform the pick me dance.
-To get you to end it so that he can play the wide-eyed "innocent" party. "But she told me she was ok with us having a friendship and then she just left"

No reason is good. He cannot be friends with someone that he has had an affair with if he wants to stay married. He is showing you that he is at best a selfish prat that puts his want of a friendship above your need for him to back away. At worst he is still having or has rekindled the affair.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 02/03/2023 13:13

Violetrose1 · 02/03/2023 10:57

No children.
it’s his house so I will have to be the one to leave and buy somewhere else when we divorce.
I did initially say that if I could meet her one to one then I could potentially be open to the idea of them being friends much further down the line once we had fixed things and I could see it really was just platonic between them. I made it clear this wasn’t a given though and I would probably find it too difficult. He accepted this and agreed it wasn’t fair on me for them to continue a friendship. Two months later and he’s now behaving like this and also saying he doesn’t want me to meet her. I feel absolutely fuming! He is going to her house on Saturday apparently to borrow some stuff for the garden too.

If you are married - it is your house too.
Assets should be shared as it best suits you both. (If you both want the house - it will have to be sold.)

He will hate losing power over you OP. Be careful. The love-bombing ones can be dangerous when thwarted.

TheCatterall · 02/03/2023 13:14

I think I’d be turning up everywhere or going with him. I mean she’s a friend right so surely they won’t object to you coming along?

I think she’s deluding herself that he’s going to leave you and he’s letting her think that he’s working on her and him being together and these little acts are his way of showing that he still wants her.

would his or her work be impacted if the gossip mill found out they were having an affair?

Freedom2023 · 02/03/2023 13:19

What the fucking fuck!!!!!
You need to find your anger OP!

Kamia · 02/03/2023 13:19

He is really pushing your boundaries. If he had regrets he would stay away from that woman. I think you should walk away from this mess before you get hurt even more.

ClawedButler · 02/03/2023 13:21

Ick. Preposterous creep of a man.

EVEN IF the affair truly is over and he only wants friendship - he is prioritising a friendship over your marriage and your peace of mind.

EVEN IF the affair is over, he spent some time telling her and his colleagues the lie that you and he had separated. He maintained that lie. And he wasn't sorry when you didn't know.

He's perfectly at liberty to be friends with whomever he likes. He's entitled to have his own priorities in life. What he can't do is make you go along with anything and everything. He cannot decide what you should or should not feel.

He also cannot stop you making your own decisions about what your boundaries are, what you will and won't accept, or whether you want to remain married to him.

spuddel · 02/03/2023 13:21

I can't believe this is real.

Freedom2023 · 02/03/2023 13:21

Sorry posted too soon.

I know from experience how it becomes normal to underreact to keep the peace and pretend everything is normal but THIS IS NOT NORMAL OR ACCEPTABLE and you really need to start reacting and getting anger before you end up completely broken.

dustofneptune · 02/03/2023 13:24

Oh god. He's trash. Get rid. You're only 35. Divorce him, start fresh, and live your life.

Once you're actually free and single, you'll look back on this and realise how insane it was. And better yet - you'll literally never let someone treat you like this again, because you'll only accept someone better than how good it feels to be free.

You can't understand how good it feels to be free until you actually experience it. So go ahead and give yourself that chance. Trust me - once you do it, you gain a built-in bullshit filter that's rock solid. It's amazing.

Source: Someone who went through something similar to you, and now looks back and thinks "wtf was I thinking?!"

EekGoesTheBaby · 02/03/2023 13:25

beachcitygirl · 02/03/2023 12:36

OP. Stop, just stop. Re-read your own posts, in particular the one where he says he wants to go out with her & ANOTHER couple.

He and her are the couple. You and he are over, I suspect he's been getting his ducks in a row & also enjoying the lower he has over you.

Yes, he's been emotionally manipulating you, but you know that now.

Time to stop the naval gazing & get to a shit hot divorce lawyer. Do it NOW.
Your marriage is over.
Do not move out.
Get std checks.

Play along. Let him go out with her & their mutual pals. Emotionally disengage.

use the evening to
Copy all bank statements, pensions, mortgage paperwork, Isa etc EVERYTHING you can think of, rummage through where he may have hidden anything (new accounts, etc)
Pack away anything special.

Head over heart until you have a lawyer in situ. Then serve him the papers.

You're only 35
Let her have him.

You really really are better off & young enough to. Start over.
Don't get older & more manipulated & insecure whilst he shags his tart on the side.

Take back control

🙏🏻 keep posting if you find yourself wobbling.

This is really good advice. Just want to make sure it is seen.