Can’t take much more of this!

[Violetrose1]

Long story short but my husband had an affair with his work colleague for a year. When I found out I was completely traumatised but he was so upset and begged me to forgive him (yes, yes I know.. im stupid to have fallen for that crap). He had to continue working with her but he swore to me he didn’t speak to her anymore as just before the affair ended he had been trying to end it with her anyway and only sees her as a platonic friend now.
2 months later he is now saying he wants to meet up with her and her two friends (a couple) for drinks sometimes as he misses his friendship with her. he is refusing to let me meet her as he thinks it will cause drama.
when I got very upset last night about him wanting to pursue a friendship with her again he got very defensive with me and made out I was being unreasonable.
I need to end this marriage don’t I?! He is completely overstepping any boundaries I needed him to adhere to. Even if he’s telling the truth and it is 100% platonic (which I very much doubt as she was/is in love with him and he definitely had strong feelings too) then am I wrong to still think it’s not ok for them to hang out together after everything?
sorry I just need someone to mull all of this over with as I have no one in real life to discuss it with.
it’s as if my self esteem has been destroyed and I’ve been manipulated over and over again to the point I now don’t know what is ok or not ok in a marriage anymore

It's because he has zero respect for you and don't think that anything he does should be a problem. I actually believe that he's not shagging her any more - that's why he's not keeping it a secret. But that isn't actually the point and he's too self absorbed and selfish to even realise that his behaviour isn't okay.

Why don't you have anyone in real life to talk to? I'm starting to suspect there's a lot more going on here and that this man has probably been emotionally abusing you for a long time.

PS you're married so it might be his house on paper, but don't think you have to walk away with nothing. What are the finances like? I'm guessing he's probably been financially abusing you too.

It says a lot about her too. She found out what a cheat and a liar he is, ended her relationship because of him, yet she still wants to be friends with him. They both have terrible boundaries.

This 👆👏

Very suspicious activity

OP at the end of the day it doesnt matter what he says and you trying to figure it out,it really doesnt. The fact is He is. He is showing you how important this woman is to him and he feels your feelings are not important and he is going to keep putting his feeling for her first. I dont mean to sound brutal I am sorry but it is true.He is not going to stop he is telling you that,he is showing you that. I know for you it must seem unreal and you cannot get your head around it but please sit down and grab a pen and paper.write down all he has done,what he is asking you to accept,how he is hurting you then write down your reasons to stay with him,what you get out of the relationship. I promise you the reasons to stay will be less than the reasons to go. This man is destroying you and he doesnt care. I am so sorry.

Before you do anything please consult an expert to work out your position. You are not obligated to move out and the house belongs to you both as a marital asset. Now it might not be 50:50 due to length of time together, no children and what you both brought to the marriage but please don’t leap to assumptions. If you decide to separate you must know exactly your position and not be persuaded to anything rash. He sounds like a complete utter numpty and you deserve so much better. Marriage is a partnership which you have each other’s backs. He doesn’t have yours. You sound like a lovely forgiving person and you can’t say you didn’t try. But as everyone is saying, this is 100% not acceptable .

So that he can tell her you're ok with it, probably,

She needs her head looking at, even contemplating talking to him again after she knows how he lied and deceived her. And sorry to say, but if you put up with this you need yours looked at too. He will never change, he has shown you exactly who he is and you will never be able to trust him. Divorce him. How does the prospect of this happening again and again for the rest of your life sound, as that is what will happen?

Yes. And I suspect he also thinks that if they rekindle things, it'll actually be easier for him to deny it. The whole hiding in plain sight thing. Surely they wouldn't do that when they're being so open about meeting up!

You can tell a lot about people by their choices. You can see what they're prioritising. What's he prioritising?

I do believe that some marriages can be repaired after infidelity depending on circumstances, so please understand I am very much not coming at this from a flippant "once a cheater always a cheater" position. I don't think you were necessarily foolish to try again with him at all.

But you've given him a chance, and he's made a total, utter mockery of that chance by even suggesting meeting up with the OW. I honestly can't get over the audacity.

He does not respect you or your marriage. You don't have children with him, so you can be shot of him with a clean break - I really, really think you need to take this opportunity to better your life by getting rid of him.

If you were a friend of mine IRL, I'd be marching you down to the solicitor's office myself!

OP. Stop, just stop. Re-read your own posts, in particular the one where he says he wants to go out with her & ANOTHER couple.

He and her are the couple. You and he are over, I suspect he's been getting his ducks in a row & also enjoying the lower he has over you.

Yes, he's been emotionally manipulating you, but you know that now.

Time to stop the naval gazing & get to a shit hot divorce lawyer. Do it NOW.
Your marriage is over.
Do not move out.
Get std checks.

Play along. Let him go out with her & their mutual pals. Emotionally disengage.

use the evening to
Copy all bank statements, pensions, mortgage paperwork, Isa etc EVERYTHING you can think of, rummage through where he may have hidden anything (new accounts, etc)
Pack away anything special.

Head over heart until you have a lawyer in situ. Then serve him the papers.

You're only 35
Let her have him.

You really really are better off & young enough to. Start over.
Don't get older & more manipulated & insecure whilst he shags his tart on the side.

Take back control

🙏🏻 keep posting if you find yourself wobbling.

This is ridiculous. I have a lot of male friendships but this is a definite no.

He should be putting you first and he can't.

But this has done you a favour. It shows what he really thinks. Get out now.

You will bounce back and deserve so much more

As others have said - he’s hiding in plain sight 🤷‍♀️ This way, he can literally meet up with her and explain every times he’s with her as you’ve allowed it 🤷‍♀️ He can blatantly have his affair as you’ve condoned it 🤷‍♀️

He’s a lying, manipulating cheat OP. Save your self respect and dump him, you deserve SO much better than this!

It doesn't matter whether he was transparent, or even if he never has any plans of cheating again. The point is HE had the affair, HE should be bending over backwards trying to compromise his feelings (wanting to be friends with her) to keep you happy. YOU shouldn't have to compromise anything. YOU shouldnt be the one who is uncomfortable. You didn't do anything bloody wrong. What a fucking nasty piece of work.

This is disgusting! You poor woman. You must leave him, no matter how hard it might be. You deserve better, surely.

Hiding in plain sight.

How are you to know if they are in the pub as platonic friends or in her friend's flat shagging - you can't. It's a way of resuming his cosy little affair and you accepting it. And your mental health will be destroyed in the process - don't do that to yourself! Imagine every friday night watching the clock wondering how their night out is going, driving yourself mad, hunting for signs of his infidelity off him when he does finally land in the door - and all the while he'll hold your behaviour up as unreasonable.

Honestly now, if there was a man you were shagging at work who you wanted to go on double dates with because you missed his 'friendship' how quickly would he dump you for it? Or would you have even gotten a second chance?

Quietly, sort out a solicitor appointment and take every last penny out of that shitshow of a marriage that you are owed.

Because he’s a prick, OP.

Leave him! For your own sanity.

You are 35, you have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve better than this and deserve someone who loves and respects you.

Your H wants the best of both worlds. He wants his cake to eat it. Don’t allow him that satisfaction.

Leave the bastard.

He's abusing you, OP.

It's not even the affair, it's the deliberate gaslighting, lies and manipulation. He's doing this to control you.

You can talk to women's aid and they can help. It can be hard to see clearly when you're in the midst of it.

Take heart, OP. A better life awaits you. ❤

Jesus, this isn't even a year down the line when you've had time to repair your marriage and rebuild the trust, this is two months later the dust has barely settled! You've barely processed what's happened and he's already on to his next game. God for him getting over it so fast, is he even sorry? Leave him. Even if he agreed to your very reasonable terms, he's shown he has no respect for you. Love and respect come hand in hand.

Her ex has had the right idea!

Your husband sounds a real catch (not). Taking his wedding ring off with her, telling you they're just friends now.

Do your self esteem a massive favour and leave him.

At the end of the day OP, it really doesn't matter what his intention is. He may well be being totally honest, he might really not see her that way, and he might truly be totally committed to being faithful to you - I have to be honest, I think that's unlikely but it is possible.

The thing is that even if all of that is true, it is still absolutely reasonable for you to be uncomfortable with him being friends with his ex-affair partner. To suggest it's unreasonable is absolute madness to me.

As your husband, he should be more concerned about your happiness and his marriage to you than any other friendship - let alone a friendship with someone he betrayed you with.

To be clear, obviously a partner insisting their partner cuts ties with friends can be controlling and abusive. This is nothing like that. Do not allow him or anyone else to convince you that you are trying to be controlling. I cannot believe this even needs to be said: it is totally and completely reasonable to expect your partner to cut ties with their affair partner.

This is ultimately about your mental health and well-being. Your partner should be more concerned about that than going on double dates with a woman he has not long stopped sleeping with!

Message the other woman. She thought you were separated last time. Maybe he has told her you have again? Why else would he be able to hang out with her and you know? Either way he is playing you and possibly playing her. No one would be ok with this.
Perhaps he wants to try before he buys with her. If it doesn’t work you are still there. Perhaps he wants you to end it and be the unreasonable one as he only wanted a friend! You definitely need out of this relationship.

Message the other woman.

Why? The marriage is between OP and her husband. Nothing OW can do if the husband chooses to stay faithful.

If you've got anything to say, OP, say it to him. He's the one married to you so the choice is his. Even if she's no longer interested in him, as long as he's prioritising seeing her over mending things with you, it's a hiding to nothing.

Fix or end it with him. She's honestly got nothing to do with it.

When he was sneaking around, you found out. So he's trying a new tactic.

Ultimately, he doesn't want to keep away from this woman. They will definitely resume sleeping together soon. And your responses will get less effective at holding him back, because he will think he can talk you around - again.

He said she was initially a friend and it just got out of control and he got too deep into a situation where he was scared to cut things off with her incase she made things difficult for him at his job.

And.

he made her believe for most of their affair that he and I had split up but were still living together until I could find somewhere else. He was taking his wedding ring off every day at work

These cannot both be true.

And if the first one were true, why would he want to be friends with someone awful enough to pressure him into an affair and cause trouble at his workplace?

He's a cunt and you can do better. Get rid.