AIBU not going to my nephew's christening?

[headlessduck]

Hey, my sister has just had her first baby and they have decided to christen him. None of our family is religious, but my BIL's parents are quite religious. I think they are mostly christening him because of them. I think that raising your child to be religious is deeply unethical. I think it is wrong to teach kids their ludicrous beliefs which there is almost no evidence for as if they are facts. It actively discourages critical thinking. You are facilitating a religion that is deeply misogynistic and homophobic, even if you conveniently ignore these parts of the Bible. Christenings are promising to do just that. At best it is a hypocritical promise. In this case, I think this is all it is. I feel uncomfortable supporting this, and I find religious ceremonies infuriating and boring. I told her I would not be going for these reasons. It is their choice. I am not trying to stop them from doing this, I just don't want to go myself. However, she told me this was "ridiculous" and "pathetic" and that it was "mostly just an excuse for a party." What does everyone think of this? AIBU not going to my nephew's christening?

I have a relationship with my brother where I can say if I think he’s being a bit of a dickhead

Same. If either my sister or I decided we wanted to convert to <insert name of religion> we'd both be comfortable enough to ask 'wtaf is everything OK with you?'

Right, so the OP said that she thought her sister was being a dickhead for having her child baptised, the sister replied that she thought the OP was being a dickhead for being so rude, and now the OP is posting on Mumsnet asking if she is being unreasonable.

Yes, she is. There are many less offensive ways she could have turned down this invitation. But she couldn't resist putting the boot in, apparently.

All of it. Because these are opinions, not facts.

I think it is wrong to teach kids their ludicrous beliefs which there is almost no evidence for as if they are facts.

I mean, OP has a good point here.

OP knows the relationship she has with her sister, and how they normally talk to one another. I doubt it’s the first time the sister has heard OP’s views, and for all we know she’s shared them. I also imagine she shared her views because simply declining would likely prompt her sister to ask for an explanation.

It appears the sister isn’t having a christening because she earnestly believes in it, she’s having a christening for the sake of her husband and in-laws, and for the party. OP isn’t attacking a faith she believes her sister to hold, and nor is she trying to stop her sister. She just doesn’t want to be involved, and gave her reasons as to why.

Either she knew her sister would be offended by her comments and made them anyway, in which case she's not a nice person, or she doesn't know her sister as well as she thought and should apologise for being so rude.

Oh no, not the ‘not a nice person’! It’s also entirely possible that she does know her sister as well as she thought, and that’s why her sister has reacted as she has.

She could just let her sister get on with being butthurt, or they could talk it out and agree to respect one another’s views. Someone being offended by what you said does not mean you automatically owe them an apology.

It’s their baby! Thousands of people have christenings every year, it’s hardly an unusual decision. Go and join in a happy and joyous occasion welcoming your new nephew to the world rather than imposing your views.

Remind me how deliberately saying something she knows will offend her sister is respecting her sister's views then?

If this is how you go about treating the people you care about with respect, I have to wonder how many friends and family you have fallen out with.

You mean the religious views her sister doesn’t actually hold? The ones she’s paying lip service to? Okay then. Arguably she’s respecting her sister by being honest with her.

Haven’t fallen out with any of them, incidentally, so no need to cast aspersions. These views are indeed ones I tend to hold in common with my friends and family. I’d find it far more offensive if someone I respected didn’t speak plainly with me, even if I didn’t necessarily like what they had to say.

this is how you go about treating the people you care about with respect, I have to wonder how many friends and family you have fallen out with.

Are you really so precious that you would actually fall out with a relative for expressing a very valid opinion? That's sad tbh.

@MyLittlePonyWellies
why wouldn’t you attend a satanist ceremony? How is it different than any other religion?

If the only purpose of their expressing that opinion was so that they could piss all over my perfectly valid life choices then yes, I would reassess our relationship and act accordingly.

Not saying everything that is in your head because the only thing it would achieve is to hurt the other person's feelings is an important social skill which the OP needs to learn. (As do you, apparently.)

Whether the OP's sister actually holds those views or not, or is baptising her child because it is important to the other side of the family, is absolutely none of the OP's business.

I got married in a church by a priest. I'm not religious. I'd go as far as to say I'm atheist.
But it was important to my partner and mattered to him. Our DS was also baptised. Again it mattered to his dad. To me it's a few blessings and a bit of blessed water. Why would I get my knickers in a twist about it?

If anyone had tried to make our wedding some sort of crusade or hijacked the baptism to further their own agenda I'd be dug out of them just for being an absolute arse.

Do you not go to weddings if they're in churches ?

Your sister is christening her child, whatever her reasons are aren't really your business. At the end of the day, if you don't believe it's just water on a babies head. I also don't think making grandparents happy is the worst reason in the world.

Your sister invited you and loves you. To make a big deal about why you're so against it and not attend is just a bit much.

But it’s her business if she’s expected to show up, or to explain why she’s not attending.

Siblings talking with one another about things that may or may not explicitly be ‘their business’ though, what a weird concept.

As has been said numerous times, there are many ways of politely declining an invitation, which is not what the OP did.

And has as also been said, some people have a sibling relationship where it is normal to speak plainly, even if some would consider it rude.

OP hasn’t tried to stop her sister from having a christening, but equally she shouldn’t be expected to attend an event she has such views about. Regardless of whether you think her rude or not for how she expressed herself, her choosing not to attend is in itself not unreasonable.

Thank goodness not everyone agrees with abandoning your principles to be a people pleaser.

Most christenings I go to are more for the traditional aspect than being overly religious. It's not about you but your sister and kid. They'll likely be an open bar? So go and enjoy?

Thank goodness most people have more social skills and are more fun than you and the OP at parties.

No one actually cares about any silly assumptions you make about strangers online, it's actually quite odd.

The OP clearly doesn't have that kind of relationship with her sister, since she posted on here giving a detailed account of how her sister was upset by her being fucking rude speaking plainly and she was upset by what her sister said in response.

She’s the best judge of what her relationship with her sister is normally like. Not you and not me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway, we’re going round in circles now. Pointlessly. We disagree, that’s it.